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I start at his toes, kissing each one lightly. I continue to kiss up his calves caressing and massaging them as I go. I reach his knee and hesitate slightly, noting the scar that lies there as a result from a childhood bike accident. I lean down and kiss it tenderly. I move carefully up his thighs and he trembles as I do so. Moving further North, up to his navel I kiss the pale blond hair below it that trials down to...elsewhere.
Distracting myself for a moment I crawl up his body until were face to face. I kiss him gently on the lips, pulling back to see his face, I gaze into his alluring blue pools. Something's wrong. Something's there. Uncertainty.
"What's wrong?" I ask him.
"How do I know?"
"Know what?"
That things'll be different?"
"They will be. I promise." He looks away from me. I take his chin in in my hands and turn his face to look at me, "I promise you that John Paul. I love you and I don't wanna hide that anymore. I'm telling my mum today."
He looks at me as if he's still unsure I'm telling the truth. I kiss him on the forehead and run my fingers through his dirty blond hair.
"As a matter of fact, I'll do it right now."
"Really?" he says full of hope.
"Yes. Get dressed, you're coming with me."
We remove ourselves from bed and quickly get dressed. I pull on a t-shirt and jeans as he pulls on jeans and a hoodie. I walk up behind him and put the hood on his head sliding one hand down his back and down his arm until our fingers are linked together.
We walk out of his room, still holding hands. Once in the hallway I squeeze his hand tightly asking, "Are you ready?" before dropping his hand and letting mine fall to my side.
John Paul nods and smiles at me and we walk down the stairs and begin our journey. Together we walk towards the pub in silence. As we walk I notice that he's walking very close to me. Close enough so that our hands touch slightly. Walking through the small Chester town no one would probably notice our hands unless they were to look closely, but I don't want anyone to know. Not yet. As we continue walking I speed up a little and walk ahead of him.
We finally reach the pub and John Paul grabs my shoulder and stops me from entering.
"Maybe you should do it alone."
"Why?" I ask.
"I just thought your mum would take it better if I weren't there."
I think about what he said for a minute. It would be easier for me if he wasn't there. This will be hard enough as it is without him being there making me even more nervous.
"Okay, you stay here," I say to him before looking around and hesitantly placing my hand on his shoulder squeezing it tightly.
I slowly walk through the pub doors. Its pretty loud inside, but I ignore it all. I came here to make things right for me and John Paul and that's exactly what I plan to do. No more hiding, no more secrets, no more lies. It's time.
I walk through the pub to the door that leads upstairs to the flat, my home. Standing outside the door I take one last deep breath before I turn the knob.
Immediately I notice my mother in the living room.
"Mum?"
"Oh hi Love," she says to me all cheery. "You're back early. Video games. with John Paul get old eh?"
I finally work up some nerves and say, "I need to talk to you about something. Something important."
I sit down at the kitchen table and she sits down across from me. I clear my throat. My mouth feels dry and and my heart is beating so fast I can't control it. "I'm seeing someone," I manage to blurt out.
Her eyes instantly light up. "Who is she?" she asks grinning manically at me.
I feel my chest tighten up and I can no longer look her in the face. I avert my eyes and look down towards the table.
"It's not a she," I say slowly lifting my gaze back up towards her.
Confusion registers on her face. "What do you mean it's not a-," I bite my bottom lip as her expression changes from confusion to realization and to finally shock.
"Craig? Are... are you telling me you're gay?"
"Yeah," I almost whisper.
"Who is he? Who is this boy you're seeing?"
"John Paul."
She's nods her understanding.
"Are you happy with him?"
Her question catches me off guard, but when I think about him I can't help but smile.
"Yes mum, I am , I love him."
She stands up and comes across to my side of the table. Taking my hands in hers she pulls me up from the chair and embraces me in a warm tight hug. She kisses my forward and whispers softly into my ear, "I love you son. Thanks for telling me." I bury my face in her shoulder and revel in the feel of her arms wrapped around me.
A few minutes later I text John Paul telling him to meet me downstairs in the pub. I run downstairs to meet him. I quickly spot him across the bar and wave him over to me. We sit down in a booth in the back corner of the bar.
"So how'd it go?" he asks.
"Great actually! I didn't think she'd take well, but she seemed fine with it!"
"That's good then. Now we can be a proper couple!"
John Paul reaches across the table and grabs my hand. As soon as his hand comes in contact with mine, I pull away quickly as if he's burned me.
"You want a drink mate?"
He looks at me, disappointment spreads across his features. "Uh yeah sure."
I turn on my heel and head over towards the bar. After ordering and receiving our drinks I go back over to the table, hand John Paul his drink and sit opposite him in the booth.
Later after finishing our drinks I ask him to come and join me on the docks by the pond in front of the pub. I walk out ahead of him and lean over the railing. The sun beamed proudly on the soft green grass nearby. Rays reflected off the gleaming waters of the pond as it sparkled and glittered. The trees stood tall and strong as the flowers danced in the light breeze. I inhale deeply and take in the beauty surrounding me. I feel John Paul come up behind me snaking his arms around my waist and placing his chin on my shoulder.
I involuntarily tense up at his touch and try to subtly remove myself from his grasp. It doesn't work. He immediately senses that something's up.
"What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing."
"Yeah something is wrong," he accuses. "Earlier you were walking like ten feet in front of me. After you told your mum about us I tried holding your hand and you pulled away. And just then, you couldn't get away fast enough! You...you cant touch me!"
"I...I," I stutter.
"You what Craig?" he asks raising his voice.
"I.. I'm not ready," He looks at me with a confusing look on his face. "I'm not ready to be out in public yet."
"What do you mean not ready? You just told you're mum about us Craig!"
"But I don't want the whole town knowing! You know how it is around here. Something happens one day and the next everyone's in your business!"
"I thought that's what we talked about?! People knowing?!"
I look around and notice that several people are looking at us now. "Look come sit down you're causing a scene."
"I'm causing a scene? I don't care Craig! How long have we been together now? Huh?" He doesn't wait for an answer. "Five and a half months Craig!" He looks away from me, inhales and appears to calm down some. "And how many of those months have we been in the closet eh?" Again he doesn't allow me to answer. "All of them! Almost six months of me wanting you and loving you." He closes his eyes briefly and when he opens them again I can see the tears that have pooled in the corners of his eyes. "I've waited so long to be able to hold you, touch you," the tears break the dam and suddenly fall from his eyes. " to kiss you in public, let everyone know how much I love you. Now I can do that and you wont let me. I thought you loved me too."
"I do. I do love you John Paul," I plead.
"But only behind closed doors," he says turning and walking away. I grab his arm and he shakes my hand off with force. "Don't. Touch. Me."
He walks off leaving me there watching his retreating form. My eyes begin to water and my breath begins to quiver. It is when I can no longer see him in the distance that I break down and cry. Tears stream down my face in uncontrollable heart-wrenching sobs that make my chest tighten and burn. This must be what it feels like to be heartbroken.
I'm still standing on the docks crying my eyes out when I feel a pair of arms wrap around me. I open my eyes hoping that it's him, but cry even harder when I see that it's actually my mum.
"What happened?"
I squeeze my eyes tighter and shake my head. Luckily she doesn't push me for answers. She just holds me tighter and I cry into her shoulder wishing that it was him here comforting me.
A few minutes after I've calmed down she strokes my back and leads me towards the pub. She walks me up the stairs and into my room and tucks me into bed giving me a gentle kiss on the forehead.
Once mum leaves I reach over to my nightstand and grab my cell phone. I decide to send John Paul a text message.
I'm sorry. I love you. Craig
I get a response almost instantly.
You can keep your apologies.
Frustrated I throw my cell down to the floor. I roll over onto my back and stare idly at the ceiling. I've messed up big time. i think back to when I first met John Paul. It was before this summer, our summer of tasting the forbidden fruit. We were in our last year of school. He was new and was kind of an outsider much like myself. I had been ostracized because I was supposed to graduate a year early, but I had failed and ended up having to resit my senior senior year. I was teased mercilessly and bullied constantly. I'll never forget the day John Paul intervened.
"Leave me alone!"
"Shut up!" My attacker yells slamming me up against a locker.
"Leave me alone,"" I repeat.
He gets directly in my face and sneers at me. Through gritted teeth he says, "Why are you still here? You're stupid enough to fail once, you'll do it again. You're a loser and no one wants you here."
"Leave me alone," I repeat once more.
"Not a chance," he says drawing his arm back to hit me.
I close my eyes and brace myself for what's to come. A couple seconds go by and I'm wondering why pain isn't shooting through my entire face. I open my eyes and see a boy standing behind my attacker and holding his arm stopping him from hitting me.
"He said leave him alone,"" the boy says shoving the guy the of me. "You okay mate?"
"Yeah, fine."
"Good 'cause for a minute there it looked like you were about pass out from fear!" he says nudging me in the side with his elbow.
"I had it well covered before you showed up!"
"Sure you did mate. Sure you did," he says patting my shoulder and then walking off down the hallway.
I stand there watching him for a moment. "Wait up," I say running after him.
We spent plenty of time together after that. We just clicked. I knew we'd be best friends forever. Each day we spent more and more time together, getting to know each other better, getting closer. There's was just something that drew us together. Some kind of unstoppable force. It was later that I would find out what that force was.
I'm sitting on his bed watching him do a victory dance after beating me at a video game. He's jumping up and down pointing and laughing at me saying, "I beat you. I beat you." It' s so childish, yet so adorable at the same time. As he's dancing he somehow manages to trip over the game controller on the floor and goes crashing down landing flat on his back.
"See what gloating gets you?" I tease.
"Shut up and come help me."
I go over to him and offer him my hand. He takes it, but instead of pulling himself up he pulls me down on the floor with him.
He starts laughing at me. It's contagious. I begin laughing too. We laugh until tears release from the corners of our eyes and we can barely breathe. After calming down the room falls deathly silent. John Paul turns over on his side facing me. I repeat his actions and face him. We lay there staring into each other's eyes. I look over his face and notice for the first time how truly beautiful he is Instinctively I reach my hand out and I stroke his pale cheek lightly with my thumb.
"Craig," he says, whispering.
I move my thumb down to his pink lips and I trace their outline and rub over them gently.
"Craig?"
"Hmmm?" I ask still mesmerized.
"I...I...I think I'm falling in love with you."
Upon hearing this I look into his blue eyes, then his lips, and finally his eyes again. I close the small gap between us and gently brush my lips against his.
Pulling back back and looking into his eyes once more, I rest my forehead against his. "I feel the same way."
I knew from that moment that we had something special. Now I've ruined everything. I let a stupid little fear get in the way of my heart. I may have lost him. My best friend. My lover. My soul mate.
I quickly get out of bed. I know what I have to do. I pick my phone up from the floor. Thankfully it's not broken. This is my only chance. I text John Paul hoping he'll agree to my plan.
Meet me outside the pub. I really need to see you. It's important.
He texts me back.
This better be good.
I wait for him outside the pub. It's much different out here than it was earlier in he day. It's gotten a little chilly and it's also starting to drizzle. I pull my jacket around me tighter and search my surroundings for any sign of John Paul. I see him coming towards me. There are many people out and about blocking my view of him, but I keep my eyes trained on him until he's right in front of me.
"Hey," he says.
"Hey."
"So what did you want?"
"Come walk with me?"
"It's raining, " he says looking up towards the sky.
"It's just a drizzle. Besides no one else seems to care," I say looking around noticing the dozens of people walking in the rain.
He nods his head and we walk slowly away from the pub. We walk silently. I'm enjoying just being near him again and feel no need to fill the void with words. We walk along for several more minutes and I can feel the air getting colder and the rain starting to pick up.
John Paul breaks the silence. "Craig, we need to get back before we end up catching pneumonia." I don't hear his words. I focus on the fog coming from his mouth, caused by the heat of his breath hitting against the cold air. "Craig? Did you hear what I said?"
"I need to talk to you," I say ignoring him.
"Then talk."
"You know I love you right?"
"Yeah," he says looking sown towards his feet then back up at me. " You're just ashamed of anyone else knowing."
"That's not true," I protest. "Yes, I admit I was scared, but never ashamed. How could I be ashamed of something, someone, so beautiful, so right for me?"
"I don't know he says sadly.
"I was stupid...earlier. I don't know what was wrong with me. I should have never pushed you away. I've been thinking. About everything that's happened to us. I never thought I'd care for someone so much that when I'm not with I feel like I'm on top of the world, like nothing could bring me down. And when I'm not with them, like someone ripped my heart heart out and broke it into a thousand tiny pieces. That's how I felt today, John Paul, when you left me, I felt like my heart was in pieces."
The rain is pouring heavily now. My clothes and jacket are completely soaked through . John Paul's face is dripping wet. I know he's crying, but it's hard to distinguish his tears from the rain. His eyes are red and puffy, his hair's wet and matted to his head, and his nose is running. He looks like as if he's been through hell, but he's just as gorgeous as ever in my eyes.
"I love you John Paul, more than anything. You're perfect."
"I'm not," he interrupts shaking his head and sniffing.
I step closer to him and take his face in both my hands. I'm completely aware that there are people around us. There aren't may due to the rain, but there are some. I find myself not caring. All I care about right now, at this moment, is the boy standing in front me.
"Yes. Yes you are perfect. You're perfect to me and perfect for me. But you're right I am ashamed." I can feel him try to pull away from me, but I hold his face firmly in my hands. I have to finish. "But not of you John Paul. Never of you. Of me. Of myself. I claim to love you, but yet I can't touch you in public? That's wrong and I wanna make it right."
I lean into him and stop less than an inch away from his face. I can feel his heavy breathing against my skin enticing me and wonder why I couldn't do this before. My lips press against his tenderly and passionately. As our teeth and tongues clash and intertwine I feel lighter. Even though my clothes are heavy with rainwater I feel nothing weighing me down. I feel no guilt, no shame, just him. I pull back from him, biting gently on his bottom lip before releasing it.
"I love you Craig.
Hearing him say those magic words, I embrace him full on. Our wet bodies completely touching, my arms around his neck, my face buried into his shoulder. I inhale his scent. Squeezing him tighter, I whisper softly into his ear, "I love you so, so much. With all my heart. I don't wanna lose you. I wont."