Chapter Text
Castiel enjoyed anniversaries occasionally; some were days where he could remember a pleasant memory. Some were filled with smiling and joy as it was the special day where he celebrated something positive and happy. Those kind Castiel could handle; the one’s where there was no drinking late at a bar or sobbing in the solitude of his room.
This anniversary however; was a tragic one that intertwined with a day that was supposed to be celebrated with eagerness. His own birthday. How could Castiel enjoy his birthday when it was on the same day that came with such sadness? An empty hollowness.
Every birthday for the past four years, Castiel has spent this day in a bar or face down on his bed; drowning in despair and anguish. Alcohol is his new best friend.
He would feel horrible if he spent it laughing and forgetting about his troubles and haunting nightmares. Castiel would feel like he’d be betraying the person who was the cause of this tragic anniversary. He felt as if he had to be bitter and numb.
How could he have a blast and laugh the night away when his best friend and almost lover wasn’t with him anymore?
It was unfair.
To put it simply, Castiel’s birthday was no longer a special day. It was just a day that came with horrid memories and a broken heart. Castiel hated this day.
As he lay there in the darkness of his room, on top of his bed, Castiel’s mind wandered to four years before. Days where things were better; happier. The memories were always there, but they were worse on this day. They crashed into his mind like a speeding train not being able to stop.
He could remember him and that day, as if it had happened the day before. But, Castiel held onto the good memories, the days before tragedy had hit like a sudden storm. The storm hasn’t stopped since then.
The dark clouds over Castiel’s head seemed permanent.
His mind flashed to days when there were no clouds; just sunny days. Days when his light and fiery passion was still there, nothing was dim or dark. Everything was clear.
Four years before
Castiel was switching channels on the television when his phone buzzed. He set the remote down and picked up his cellphone to peer at the bright screen. Castiel had a text; from Dean.
Dean: Can I come over? Dad’s in a bad place right now :/
Castiel’s eyes widened. That was never good. Castiel quickly replied and told Dean that he could come over, that he was always welcome at his house. He would never abandon Dean or leave him to deal with his abusive and alcoholic father. Castiel cared about Dean too much to deny his request and ignore him.
Dean was his best friend. The love of his life. Castiel would never leave him. Nothing could bring them apart or separate the two of them, they were inseparable.
The two of them had grown up neighbors and had bonded right away. From the moment Castiel met him, he was entranced by those green eyes and freckles. There was no getting out for Castiel.
Not that he wanted it to end.
Around fifteen or twenty minutes later, he heard the front door unlock followed by heavy footsteps. He saw Dean coming around the corner into the living room.
“Hey Cas, sorry I had to drive Sam over to Bobby’s.” Dean sat down next to him on the couch and sighed deeply. He ran a hand through his short, brown and tousled hair. Cas wanted to be the one to do it.
He nodded understandingly.
“It’s okay. How bad is he?” Cas hoped that John, Dean’s father, wasn’t in one of his horrible states. Ever since their mother died, John had never been the same. Often, Dean would show up on his doorstep with bruises. His eyes would look troubled and tired.
He didn’t have to ask when that happened, he knew that John occasionally hit Dean when he was drunk out of his mind.
“Not too bad to be completely out of control thankfully. There was some yelling and ugly words thrown at each other but nothin’ too bad.” Dean shrugged then sent Cas a reassuring smile. His smile, was so bright and beautiful. Cas loved Dean’s smile.
“Good, I’m glad no one was hurt.” Cas murmured.
Dean nodded. “Yeah, guess I was lucky this time.”
Cas bit his lip and thought of something to say or do. He picked the remote back up and glanced at Dean questioningly.
“Wanna watch something?”
Dean nodded, then moved over until there was no space between them. Cas automatically wrapped his arm around Dean’s shoulders then pulled him close. He smiled as he felt Dean’s head lay on his shoulder. This was their thing. When needed comfort or a distraction from troubles and stress, they hung out with each other and cuddled.
They made each other feel better in times of distress.
Cas decided on some action movie that was playing. That’s how they spent their evening while they had their alone time. Wrapped up in each other on Cas’s small, black couch. Nothing else at that moment mattered; everything around them was nonexistent.
Cas groaned as he stared blankly at a wall in his small room. He knew he should get up; knew he needs to stop wallowing in sadness and go do something. But he couldn’t, all his energy was drained from his tired body.
Slowly, he swung his legs over the side of the bed. The mattress squeaked under his weight. He wiped a hand down his weary face. Cas stood up and walked through his cheap apartment in a zombie-like state, he was at a loss of what to do.
Cas wasn’t hungry, his appetite had disappeared the moment he woke up on this dreadful day. He walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. His face had a slight scruff, his hair tousled and untouched. Cas looked horrible; haunted. His eyes, were hollow and dim.
His blue eyes that used to sparkle were now dull.
At twenty-two years old; he suddenly appeared to be older.
Cas sighed heavily and didn’t bother to clean himself up. He rubbed his chilly arms as he went back into his room. Cas knelt down and reached under his bed to grab a medium-sized box. He opened it, then looked down inside. His eyes moved over the items and photos that he’s glanced at thousands of times before.
He picked up a photo and blew the slight dust off of the image. It was a simple photo of him and Dean. Cas remembered this day; it was a good day when everything was still the same. Nothing had changed.
“Dean you’re wasting film!” Cas exclaimed, squinting at Dean who was taking photos of almost everything he came across. Though, he couldn’t deny that he liked how happy Dean looked. He laughing and snapping photos of things he thought were cool.
“C’mon Cas lighten up. One day you’ll look back on these photos and be glad that I captured these magical moments.” Dean grinned and started taking photos of Cas’s grumpy and scowling face.
“Yeah okay.” Cas muttered but let a smile slip through. Dean was right; he would cherish these moments with him and all his rather pointless photos.
They continued walking downtown and goofing around. Cas felt warm and tingly when Dean would sling his arm around Cas’s shoulders casually. Or when his arm and fingers would accidentally brush against his. It was nice.
“Hey Cas c’mere, I wanna take a photo of us.” Cas walked over to where Dean was standing in the middle of the park that they had come across.
Dean grabbed Cas’s arm and pulled him to his side, then wrapped his arm around his shoulders. Cas couldn’t help but think that this was a very couple-like thing to do. But, he figured Dean just meant it as a friendly gesture.
He felt the heat of Dean’s body pressed to his side and the tight grip of his hand on his shoulder. Dean held the camera up and snapped a few photos while he was smiling widely at the lens. Cas smiled as well. A small, shy lift of the lips.
“Perfect.” Dean muttered as he looked at the photo. Cas glanced over his shoulder and peered at it. It came out nicely, Cas liked it.
“I’m gonna make copies of these later, they’re definitely a keeper.”
Cas agreed. He wouldn’t mind having some of the photos that Dean had took. Secretly, he liked it.
Cas felt his throat close up as the memories flooded in. Cas missed him terribly. Looking through these photos was causing him to become even more emotional. Nostalgia surrounded him as he looked through the different images.
He picked up another item; a shirt of Dean’s that he had kept. Cas squeezed it and brought it up to his face. He inhaled and shut his eyes.
It didn’t smell like him anymore; it had slowly faded away.
Cas threw the shirt back into the box and got up without putting it back under the bed. If he looked at anymore items; he’d eventually have a breakdown.
He needed to get out of the apartment. Cas felt like he was suffocating; he could barely breathe. He wiped his eyes and grabbed his wallet and jacket.
The only place he felt like going to was The Roadhouse; a diner and bar up the road that he and Dean used to always go to before he left.
Cas would just drown himself in alcohol until he was numb from the pain and sorrow.
He walked out the apartment door and stuffed his hands in the pockets of his jeans. His head tilted down as he walked, his steps slow and careless. Cas pushed back the tears that were collecting in his eyes. He wouldn’t cry; he’d spilled too many tears already.
Cas desperately wished that Dean was here to comfort him now; wrap his strong arms around Cas and tell him that everything would be okay. Cas needed Dean, he didn’t know how much longer he could go on without Dean beside him.
Dean was like Cas’s strength and anchor; he picked him up when he was down.
Cas could remember a time when Dean was here to do that.
Cas wiped his eyes furiously. He hated his siblings at time and how they were so much more successful than him. He was envious of them; yet wished they had nothing. His older brother, Michael, had just visited from his big career and life.
Cas’s parents had praised Michael, their eyes shown with an emotion that Cas rarely got to see. Pride. Acceptance. They were proud of him, he had things going for him in life. He ran a business, had a girlfriend.
While Cas was in his last year of high school; not knowing what he wants in life. He didn’t have much money; he wasn’t as successful as his siblings. But that shouldn’t matter, right? His parents should still approve of him. Love him.
They were disappointed in him.
He sniffled and scowled when he heard laughing from outside his room. His parents were chatting away with Michael. Typical.
At dinner an hour before, Cas was called out for not being as successful as Michael or his other siblings. He was verbally attacked and insulted by his own parents. Cas didn’t even know if they loved him anymore. Sure they said it, but did they mean it?
Cas had no way to know. He figured they just said it to make him feel better about their disappointment in him.
He sat on his bed; wallowing in self-pity and despair. His room had a thick atmosphere of desolation. Cas needed to hug someone; he needed a distraction from the hurtful words said by his family. He needed Dean.
Cas sent a quick text to Dean, asking if he could come over. Dean replied immediately; saying that Cas was always welcome.
After throwing on a sweatshirt, Cas opened the door and dodged around his parents and Michael to walk out the door. They barely even noticed that he had left. His parents were too busy listening to Michael talk about his life.
They never listened when Cas tried to tell them about his life.
Cas got to the front door of Dean’s house and opened it. He found Dean in his room.
“Hello Dean.” Cas greeted, walking in and slightly cracking the door behind him.
Dean seemed to notice his dejected expression and instantly seemed concerned. Cas probably looked horrible; his eyes were most likely red from the constant tears.
“Hey Cas, you okay?” Dean sat up and made room on his bed. Cas sat down beside him and pulled his knees up to his chest.
“No… I had a spat with my parents.”
“What about?”
Cas sighed. “Well… Michael is visiting and it seemed to remind my parents on how much of a disappointment and failure I am. You should’ve seen them Dean, they were all over Michael. Congratulating him and looking so prideful. All my siblings are successful ‘cept me.”
He felt a pair of warm arms wrapping around his body.
“Cas you’re not a failure. Your parents must be blind if they don’t see the potential in you, you’re gonna do great things one day. Who cares if your siblings have a big career? They’re not you.”
Cas smiled. Dean always knew how to make him feel better. Whenever he got stressed out from his family, he’d come here to Dean’s waiting kindness and open arms. Dean would reassure him, then they’d spend the day or night cuddling and talking.
Cas appreciated and loved their closeness. It was a unique type of friendship. He just wished that it could be more.
“Thank you Dean, I know it’s silly to be upset but it hurts when they barely show an ounce of pride or approval for me.” Cas trailed off, it hurt too much to say it out loud.
“Like I said, they must be blind to not appreciate you Cas and don’t feel silly, you have a right to be upset. I’m sorry that you have to go through that, I really am.”
“Yeah I suppose. I know Dean, thank you.”
That was the last they said of the disastrous happenings. Cas relaxed in Dean’s arms, the television played quietly in the background as they lounged around and talked about anything. Cas soon forgot about his troubles, being wrapped up in Dean.
This was where Cas liked to be. Here with Dean, it felt like home.
No stress, no worries. Just pure happiness and warm feelings.
Cas walked down the street, the wind blew lightly around him. This was the same street he and Dean had walked upon four years ago. He scowled down at the pavement. He felt people walk past him, sometimes accidentally brushing into his frame, but he didn’t care.
Cas was distant from everything around him.
His phone buzzed in his pocket; he pulled it out and was surprised to see a happy birthday text from his older brother Gabriel. Cas texted back a quick thank you.
Gabriel and him had a somewhat okay relationship. As well as his older sister, Anna. Cas didn’t dislike them like he disliked his other siblings who barely talked to him anymore. Though they never had a good relationship even when Cas was a bit younger.
Cas has always been different; an outcast from his own family.
While he was walking towards the diner, he thought of his birthday four years ago. How horrible it was.
Cas woke up with a smile on his face. Starting today; he was officially eighteen years old. An adult by law. Soon he would be moving out of this toxic home and hopefully going to college to start his life. He would prove his parents wrong.
He threw on some clothes then went downstairs. Cas was surprised to see that his parents had made a small breakfast for him. It was better than nothing though.
“Happy birthday Castiel!” His mother said, pecking his cheek. Cas blinked and smiled.
“Thanks mom. Where’s dad?”
His mother fixed him a plate with food. “He left for work already, he told me to tell you happy birthday.”
Cas’s heart sunk. “Oh okay.”
Cas ate his food while his mother cleaned up the kitchen. He figured that his parents wouldn’t do much for his birthday. They were too busy and distracted these days. All he wanted was to see Dean; that would make it better.
All his days became happier and brighter with Dean in them.
He finished his food then rinsed off his plate and thanked his mother. Then, Cas was out the door and walking over to Dean’s house. He was surprised that Dean hadn’t texted him yet, but figured that maybe he was just waiting to tell him in person.
Cas knocked on the door. When no one answered, he twisted the knob and pushed the door open. The atmosphere was quiet.
“Dean?” Cas called out. No answer.
He chuckled when he realized that Dean was probably sleeping. He figured that Sam and John weren’t home since there was no other noises.
He was too excited to see Dean that he missed the slight dent in a wall and a broken vase lying on the floor.
Cas walked towards Dean’s room. There was no light coming from the crack of the door. Yep, sleeping. Cas opened the door; ready to be greeted with Dean’s peaceful, sleeping body.
Once the door swung open, Cas took one look inside. With just one glance at what was in front of him, his world came crashing down. Cas suddenly forgot how to breathe.
“No…” It couldn’t be real. He was dreaming, this was just a nightmare. Maybe a cruel prank.
Cas’s eyes were glued to Dean’s swinging and still form. His bowlegs hung limply from his body. A rope was tightly wrapped around his neck which lead up to a tight knot around a bar on the ceiling.
Dean had hung himself.
“No no no Dean!” Cas let out a strangled scream and ran to Dean’s hanging form and shook his body. His skin felt cold; dead.
“Please Dean wake up; you can’t do this to me.” Cas sobbed, his weakened knees wobbled. Cas felt sick, bile was rising up his throat.
“Dean c’mon you’re gonna be okay, you’ve got be okay.” Cas untied the rope and carried Dean’s heavy body over to Dean’s bed. He set him down and grabbed his cold face. He willed for Dean to open his eyes; to see his green, sparkling gaze. He willed for Dean to wake up and comfort him, hug him. Flash him that beautiful and bright smile of his.
Cas needed Dean to do something; anything but this. It couldn’t be true. Cas was seeing it right in front of him; but he couldn’t believe it. He looked too okay; too still. He had to be sleeping, he couldn’t be dead.
He had a whole life to live.
“Dean baby please… I love you too much to let you go.” Cas sobbed and flung himself down beside Dean; hugging his muscular form. Cas buried his face into Dean’s neck, his tears wetting Dean’s skin.
His birthday; was suddenly not exciting and important anymore.
“I didn’t even get to say goodbye…” Cas murmured; sobbing some more. His body trembled with anguish. This couldn’t be possible. He had just seen Dean the other day. He had looked fine, happy and alive.
Less than twenty-four hours ago he had hugged Dean; peered into his warm gaze and smelt his amazing scent.
Now he was hugging Dean’s unmoving and frigid body; willing him to be okay and wake up.
Cas knew, in that moment, that his life would never be the same. Not without Dean in it. On this today, his birthday, Dean had committed suicide. Cas had also died along with him. He was alive, but he didn’t feel that way.
He was just a walking and breathing piece of flesh.
Cas had only moved from Dean’s body when John had come home with Sam and had called the ambulance. He hung on too tight and was eventually pried off of his almost lover’s dead body.
Almost lover, because on this day, Cas was going to confess his love to Dean.
Cas felt his body slightly shake from the haunting memory. He’d never forget that day, the mental image of Dean’s hanging and deathly-looking body. It followed him into his nightmares’ and day-time thoughts.
He still hasn’t opened the gift that Dean had gotten him; but never was able to give. Cas had found it sitting on his desk. It was a wrapped package with happy birthday wrapping paper. It had been addressed to him.
Cas didn’t know why, but he couldn’t find the strength to open it. It hurt too much. It now sat in his closet at his apartment, collecting dust. Still unopened.
He hung his head as he rounded the corner towards the entrance of The Roadhouse. He didn’t want anyone to see the small droplets of tears slipping down his face. Cas suddenly thought if this was a good idea to go outside.
Cas didn’t want people to see him in this state. Weak and pitiful.
The entrance came into view and Cas took a breath then pushed open the door to step inside. The air was cool, people were eating and chatting. Laughing and happy. Cas felt like he shouldn’t be here.
He was about to go greet Ellen, who stood at the bar, when suddenly someone caught his eye. He knew he shouldn’t get excited; Dean was gone.
But, the back of this man’s head looked like Dean’s. His hair was the same brown-blondish color. His legs; seemed similar to Dean’s. For a moment; Cas’s heart sped up and pounded.
The man turned around from where he stood. Cas caught his eye, they locked gazes. He had the same bright, green eyes as Dean. Cas gasped and felt chills running down his body. Goosebumps formed along the skin on his arms. It couldn’t be; this isn’t possible.
This had to be some sick joke. Maybe Cas was hallucinating. He blinked but the man was still there. Cas felt faint. He felt like he was seeing a ghost; a haunting image from his past. He didn’t know what to feel; his eyes were wide. His body felt paralyzed.
He couldn’t look away.
Standing a few feet away in front of him was Dean Winchester; his best friend who was supposed to be dead.