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Remus has never liked himself. The way his hair was always a mess and his height made him stick out like a sore thumb but worst of all were the scars. Oh how he hated them. Jagged edges and paler skin along his torso. He’d learned at an early age to cover them up with jumpers even in the summer.
“They’re comfortable.” Was always his excuse. No one really batted an eye and he was fine with that. But then he got scars on his face. He couldn’t look at himself in a mirror for months. He looked like a freak. He looked… ugly. And for once, he couldn’t cover them up.
His friends never said anything. Of course they never did. Hell they even broke the law for him so he wouldn’t be alone during full moons. But that didn’t matter. Friends were only friends because they liked your personality, they didn’t have to find him attractive. So really, their opinions didn’t count, at least, that’s what he told himself. Because there was no way any of them, let alone anyone else, would find him of all people attractive. So he focused on school. Sure he always made time for his friends but if he was busy with school work most of the time, it didn’t leave much time to let his mind wander to anything else. Think about school. Not light grey eyes. Not long, black, messy hair held in a bun with a wand. Not delicate fingers adorned with chunky metal rings. Not a smirk that radiates trouble. No. No, nothing of the sort. That was his friend. His best friend. He shouldn’t be selfish and wish for anything more.
Sirius plops down dramatically on the couch in the Gryffindor common room. “Hey Moons! Whatcha working on?” And speak of the devil. He looks up from his homework.
“Homework. Potions.” Sirius sighs loudly and Remus rolls his eyes, going back to his work. Not that he could really focus, not since Sirius was staring at him, scrutinizing him. Suddenly, Sirius stands up and walks over to the chair where Remus was sitting and sits on the arm rest. Remus freezes at the sudden proximity between the two of them. He could feel the heat radiating off of him and smell the cologne he put on this morning. It was suffocating. And he wanted nothing more than to be suffocated by him.
“And what are you doing?” Remus didn’t look up from his paper, knowing the last nerve he had, that was holding on by a thread, would snap in half.
“Oh whatever could you mean?” He could hear the smirk in his voice. He sighed, putting his quill back on his paper. Just think about school. Not the closeness. Not the breath he can feel on his neck. Before he knew it, his quill was out of his hands. He finally looks up at Sirius to see his quill in his hands, twirling it around.
“Ok,” he holds out his hand, “give it back.”
Sirius shakes his head, smirking. “It’s Friday Moons, you can work on potions later.” Next he snatches the paper and ink and walks away with it. Remus stands up, following him as his things are set on a nearby table. He reaches for it and Sirius grabs his wrist. “Ah, ah, ah. You have all weekend, relax.”
And suddenly he’s being dragged to the dorms. He could easily pull away, insisting he needs to finish it. He should pull away. But he doesn’t. Instead he lets himself be dragged around by the man he’s been trying to push out of his mind for months. Sirius leds him to his bed, finally letting go of Remus’s wrist. Sirius lays down on the bed while Remus stays standing, confused as to what was happening.
“Well don’t just stand there. Come ‘ere.” He opens his arms.
He shouldn’t. Sirius doesn’t know what’s been on his mind. What he’s wished for. He really shouldn’t. It would be selfish. But damn Sirius and his puppy dog eyes. It makes Remus melt every time. He lets out a sigh and finally slinks down next to Sirius. Sirius lets out a hum, smiling and wiggling to get comfortable. His head was nuzzling into Remus’s neck, arm draped on his stomach. It wouldn’t be the first time they cuddled, Sirius would cuddle him after full moons and Remus would cuddle him after his nightmares. But this time was different. Sirius’s touch felt hot, burning through his skin. Everything he’d been trying to forget bubbling to the surface. Thoughts of what Sirius’s hair would feel like in between his fingers or his hands in Remus’s hair. What his lips would feel like on Remus’s skin. On his lips.
“You ok?” Sirius’s voice pulls in out of his own head.
“Huh? What?”
“Are you ok? Your heart’s going really fast.” Heat creeps up his whole face. He waited for the laugh, for Sirius to crack a joke or poke fun. There was nothing. Just silence and worry lacing his voice.
“Y-yeah, I’m fine,” he sputters out. Sirius moves quickly, propping himself up on his elbow so he could look Remus in the eyes.
“You stuttered. You don’t stutter unless something’s wrong. What’s wrong?” His eyebrows were scrunched together as he stares into his eyes.
Damn it. He knows Remus too well. He should say something. But his vocal chords were frozen. He was so close. Too close even. You idiot, he doesn’t like you like that. He’s just being a good friend. He slinks back and turns his head away from Sirius. Away from stormy grey eyes that bore into his.
“Nothing, I’m fine,” he tries again. Sirius wasn’t having it. Using his pointer finger and thumb he grabs ahold of Remus’s chin, guiding him back to look at him.
“Remus.” His voice was soft. His breath hitches. He almost never used his real name, always Moony or Moons or even sometimes Rem but never his full name. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
But he couldn’t tell. He would never risk losing Sirius. Would never dare to do anything that would risk it. He would rather live his life suffering in silence next to his side than live apart from him. So what could he say instead? He couldn’t lie to Sirius.
“I hate my scars.” The words slip out and he immediately regrets it. He tries to pull away, cave inwards and away from Sirius but he holds firm even when his eye sparked concern.
“What?” He whispers.
“I hate my scars.” Tears prick Remus’s eyes as he says it again. He never told anyone about this. It was always just another part of him he learned to cover up. It was never meant to be shared. It was never meant to be known.
“Why? You’re…” Sirius pauses.
“What? Hideous? Disgusting? A vile creature?” The words spill out along with the bitterness.
“Beautiful.” The word was barely above a whisper but it was enough to stop Remus’s thoughts in their tracks. Now it was his turn to stare in shock.
“You-you don’t-I’m not-“
“You don’t believe me?” He sounded almost hurt.
“I mean… no? Not really I mean look at me I-“
“I am looking at you.” Sirius cuts in. “You’re beautiful, Remus.”
Remus nearly chokes on air. If he wasn’t blushing before he was now. He’s never thought of himself as beautiful. Average, at best but never beautiful. And to hear it from Sirius, a man he’s wanted for almost a year, it was just too good to be true. He couldn’t believe it, no matter how every fiber of his being wanted to, he just couldn’t.
“Still don’t believe me?” Remus shakes his head. “What if I proved it to you?”
Remus’s eyes go wide and his eyebrows furrow. “What? Prove it? What does that even-“
“Yes,” Sirius leans closer to his face, “or no?”
Was he… nervous? It was small, unnoticeable even. But Remus could tell, he’s always been good at reading Sirius and his emotions. Well, at least, until today. ‘Prove it’? How was he going to do that? And what was he even going to prove? “Yes,” the word slips out before they processed in his brain.
Sirius smiles softly and leans forward, closing the gap between the two of them completely. The kiss was soft, tentative. Sirius was testing the waters, afraid to take it too far. It was slow and sweet, the softest form of affection Remus had ever felt. He gasps slightly at the feeling and Sirius pulls back instantly. He sits up, his back to Remus. His hands instinctively train behind the man. Come back.
“Sorry. Sorry I should have known that you-that I-“ he cuts himself off. Sighing, he rakes a hand through his hair. “Sorry. Let’s just forget I said anything.”
Remus sits up so he’s at eye level with him again. Sirius wouldn’t look at him. He starts to get up off the bed but Remus grabs his arm.
“Please,” Sirius looks back at him, “don’t leave me.” It sounded pathetic. Remus knew that. But watching Sirius try to walk away after that, after what he just felt, he didn’t care anymore. Sirius sits back down, facing Remus this time though he wouldn’t meet his eyes.
The sun was starting to set now, casting a glow over Sirius’s face. He looked softer in this light. All of the shadows and sharp cheekbones were gone, replaced by a golden light that was a stark contrast against his black hair. Beautiful. Slowly, he put his hands on Sirius’s face, cupping his cheeks in his hands. “Did you mean what you said?”
Sirius finally looks up at him and nods. “I meant every word.”
That was all he needed.
Very slowly, Remus crept closer to Sirius, stopping right before their lips touched. As much as it was killing him, he couldn’t move any further. His lips lightly brushed Sirius’s as he asks the question. “Can I?” was all he asked. And that was all Sirius needed.
It was soft and slow, both holding back for now and just allowing it to happen. Allowing themselves to feel it out. Sirius’s hands trail up Remus’s arms, stopping at his neck. His thumb runs along the rough patch of skin from a scar and Remus instinctively jerks back. Sirius recoils, looking at Remus.
“Sorry I just-“ Remus couldn’t finish the sentence, his hand subconsciously going to his neck and covering his skin. As much as he was giddy from the idea of what just happened, he still couldn’t grasp it fully. The idea of someone wanting him. And it wasn’t just someone, it was Sirius. A man from The Most Noble and Ancient House of Black. He had power and money and was well respected, well, as long as you didn’t count the teachers he pranked. He could have anyone he wanted so why? Why him of all people?
“It’s ok, take as long as you need.” Sirius nods. Gods he was so sweet, it made Remus want to melt into a puddle on the floor.
Remus sighs, “I’m sorry, I just… I find it hard to-” what was the word? “-understand, I guess, as to why?”
Sirius’s eyebrows scrunch, “why what?”
“Why you… why you like me.” He glances around the room, not wanting to look at the face full of confusion.
Sirius just smiles, taking Remus’s face in his hands again, making him look in his eyes. “Because you’re you. You’re smart, serious in school but you know how to take and make a joke.” Remus blushes at the words and tries to pull away and Sirius keeps going. “You’re soft, literally and physically, you’re like a big ol’ teddy bear-“
“I’m a werewolf,” he cuts in. A monster.
He rolls his eyes, “ok Mr. Technical.” He fakes annoyance but has a fond expression. “You’re always warm, like a personal heater. Your hair looks like copper when the sun hits it just right. And-“
“Ok! Ok, you don’t have to keep going,” Remus covers Sirius’s mouth with his hand. After the mumbling from the man stops he removes his hand.
Sirius pouts, “You asked a question and I answered.” He moves closer, “and oh how I could keep going.”
Remus thought he was going to kiss him again but instead Sirius moves to his nose. He had a scar there, lighter skin and a slight groove of the gash that used to be there. He presses light kisses across the bridge of his nose, following the path made by the scar. Remus closes his eyes at the sensation, soaking up every second of it. Sirius doesn't stop there, he moves to another scar that sat on his cheek, then down to his neck where he had touched with his hand only a few seconds prior. He gently kissed every inch of the scars, not leaving any part untouched. Remus had to bite back a sound that threatened to escape him. He could feel Sirius’s mouth curve into a smile which was not helping his current situation. Eventually, the kisses stop and Sirius looks back up at Remus.
“Do you still hate them? Or do I need to continue to explain why I love them?”
“I-I um-it-yo-umm,” his brain wasn’t working. In fact, it had stopped working the second Sirius’s lips touched his.
Sirius just smiles softly, “looks like you still need a few more reasons.” He leans back down and continues to kiss every scar that littered Remus’s body. He never let up, kissing softly and gently like he was the most precious thing he’d ever held.
Sirius knew this wouldn’t fix things. There would still be days where he couldn’t look in the mirror. There would always be moments where he couldn’t fathom why Sirius loves him. Moments where he still thought of himself as a monster. The mental scars wouldn’t heal in a day, Sirius knew that. But for now, he’d let it be known to Remus how much he loves him.