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It’s like if he could just run that extra mile, just push out that nervous flutter in his heart, it would be over. As if he could exhaust his body to the max and crush the feeling that lie in wait, just beneath the surface. The ones that were creeping up into his dreams. The ones that were driving him so nuts he couldn’t even close his eyes, and instead pressured him to walk the halls of his own castle lost in reckless thought when he really should be sleeping. He seemed to be doing that more and more lately. ‘Well, he obviously had to avoid-
‘No. Don’t think of that! Just.. Keep.. Running..’ Yuuri attempted to shut off his own mind and pushed his body faster, running further along his path.
Conrad was following a yard or two behind him, keeping up with the Japanese teen’s steps no matter what his pace. Yuuri tried to focus on the dull pound of Conrad’s boot’s, but they were too reminiscent of what he was trying to avoid in the first place, so he tried to concentrate on his own pounding heartbeat.
His breathing was hoarse, each intake felt like tiny knives at his throat. The feeling was not unfamiliar to him, and he pressed on. He had been trying this every night for months, adding not only this nightly run, but even more physical training exercises and; to everyone’s surprise; extra fencing and sword fighting drills.
Although his skills did improve, his original mission of ‘Wearing Himself Down So He Could Get Some Sleep’ was anything but successful. If anything, he was just lying awake more often, staring off into space, trying not to move, trying not to look over...
‘Stop! Before it’s too late!’ The dark haired teen then closed his eyes so abruptly to cancel out the thought.
Yuuri would have ran straight into a tree trunk if Conrad had not swooped in and pulled him to of the way, sending them both tumbling into the dirt.
“Yuuri! Are you alright? Did you not see the tree?” Conrad looked his king over, checking for any serious, or minor, injuries. Even a scratch would send their exuberant royal advisor reeling.
Yuuri sighed. “Thanks Conrad, I wasn’t really paying attention.”
The solider hesitated before asking, “Yuuri, you know you can talk to me about anything that’s on your mind.”
“Yeah..” His voice wandered off, Yuuri looked more perturbed than before.
“I think now might be one of those times when you may need a- new perspective.” Conrad gave him convincing smile.
“Please Conrad,” Yuuri closed his eyes and raised his hands to his ears, shaking his head once, “I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to think about any of it anymore. It’s so aggravating. It's painful.”
The sky darkened above them.
“What’s painful?”
Yuuri cried out in frustration the same time a crack of lighting lit up the night’s darkness. Conrad did not flinch.
“This! This fucking thing inside me! Whatever this is! I don’t want it! I never wanted this! I wish I could rip it out of me! I don’t want to feel this way..!”
The clouds rolled in, rain began to pour. A thick sheet of rapid white water separated Conrad from his king, but he could still see the tears streaking down Yuuri’s face.
“WHY!” he groaned, punching his fist to the ground.
Yuuri wanted to beat his forehead against the wet mud, perhaps crack his skull so he could pull out the parts of his brains that were wrong. So wrong. The parts of himself that drove him crazy. The parts that wouldn’t leave him alone. The parts that made him want to cry. The parts that made him want to drown; the ones that made him feel like water had already filled his lungs. The parts that were so undeniable because they were rooted deep down, so unchanging, unwavering. He wished he could say he was confused; but he wasn’t. He knew how he felt, he just wished he never felt this way. It wasn’t a sudden feeling, but more of a tiny seed planted when he was born that had budded and grown as he had. A feeling he had been ashamed of, something to be kept secret. A burden he did not want to carry. It was torture.
But denying his own soul was another kind of torture.
And he could not decide which one was worse.
But every day he caught his control slipping. The feelings he had tried to convince himself weren’t real, were just convincing him he was a big, fat, liar.
You can only lie to yourself for so long.
Especially when your truth lays next to you in bed every night.
The rain beat down on the pair, soaking them too the bone.
“Yuuri..” Conrad spoke softly, resisting the urge to reach out and hug the teen he had known before birth. “There is nothing wrong with who you are, Yuuri.”
Thunder rumbled overhead.
“It’s true, Yuuri. There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s no shame in anything that makes you happy. There’s no shame in being who you are. You are who you were always meant to be.”
Sad, black irises pierced into warm brown ones.
“Then why do I feel like there is something wrong with me?” his voice was barley heard over the sound of the rain falling through the trees, slapping onto thick mud.
Conrad took a deep breath, there were so many things he wanted to say, but he did not want to overwhelm the boy with his own bias. “From what I've seen,” he spoke carefully. “There will be many times where you question yourself, even your very own choices. In the end, you can do nothing but follow the path that feels right.”
Conrad licked his lips, he was probably going to far, “Follow your heart, Yuuri. It will never lead you astray.”
Yuuri looked at him with a wondrous expression, as if asking himself if he should really trust those words. He continued to stare at his older friend, all his emotions overwhelming his other senses.
After some time, the downpour became a drizzle.
Eventually the drizzle stopped.
When Yuuri finally decided to stand up Conrad could see the first glint of sunlight across the horizon.
Another sleepless night for the both of them.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Yuuri sat in his office for two hours before calling it quits.
He was just too tired.
And Conrad’s words were still ringing trough his head.
He felt something inside him breaking, melting away.
Yuuri retreated to his bedchambers, snuggling into the fluffy pillows. And he slept.
And slept. Not even stirring when Greta came to wish him goodnight.
Nor when Wolfram slipped in between his sheets later on.
He awoke the following afternoon, eyes adjusting to the sunlight drowning his vision. He breathed easy, sitting up.
He felt lighter somehow. Happier, even?
His head turned in response to the sound of the heavy wooden door opening to his chambers. There was only one person in this world who dared enter his room without knocking first. His heart flopped and shimmering blonde hair slipped into his sights. ‘Yes, definitely happier.’ he confirmed.
“Oh, Yuuri! You’re awake. Good, it’s about time.” Wolfram folded his hands behind his back politely, not looking him directly in the eye.
And all Yuuri wanted was to look into the bottomless green lakes of his eyes. The catch of his breath and speed of his pulse was clear. In a way, it was a liberating feeling; giving in.
"Follow your heart, Yuuri.”
Every intake of breath seemed to hum the first syllable of Wolfram’s name while its release sighed the last.
He needed to calm the storm stirring inside him.
Needed to at least try it.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
He went the whole day, catching himself smiling like a kid again. Everything made him want to laugh. This new feeling, the one that felt like freedom, was excuse enough for the young king to break out in a grin. It felt good to feel good; for a change.
It wasn’t just the calmness settling in his veins, it was the feeling of hope and release that was so satisfying. He knew, maybe like Conrad said, there would be doubts in his life; but today? Today, the world was more beautiful than he had ever seen it.
Something he would never take for granted again.
He spent extra time with Greta that day, asking Wolfram to come along as he entertained their daughter. She was not the little child she once was, but they all still agreed to a game of hide and seek that turned into a few hours of playful competition.
He was ushered to his study shortly after. Due to his lax work load the past two days, he had plenty of papers to approve and sign before Gwendal would allow him to go to bed.
So when he slipped past the threshold into his bedroom, it was late.
But apparently not late enough, because Wolfram was nowhere to be found.
Yuuri sat on his bed, chewing his lip. ‘What should I do?’ He had been hoping to talk to the former prince, but now he was worried..
He felt awkward in his own bedroom. I mean they were... fiancés weren’t they? He shouldn’t be this tense around his friend. Yuuri bit his lip even harder, trying to plot a next move.
Light poured on the stone floor and Yuuri lifted his head to lock eyes with a startled Wolfram caught halfway between the lit hallway and the royal bedchambers.
Yuuri’s smile was instantaneous and blinding. “Wolf!” He called, standing up,
The uniformed prince pressed the door closed behind him. “I’m sorry, Yuuri. I didn’t mean to wake you.” He took a few steps toward where the maou stood.
“No! You didn’t. I was waiting for you.”
Yuuri could see Wolfram’s pale cheeks turn a flush pink. Green eyes widened.
“I wanted to talk to you.” He added, moving closer to the lifelike angel.
“Oh~?” Wolfram’s voice tightened.
“Yes.” He cleared his throat. This speech had sounded so perfect in his head earlier. Now, if he could only remember the words! He continued to stare at the glimmering blonde in front of him.
“Well, get on with it.” Wolfram shifted uncomfortably, signature pout coming to his face.
Yuuri almost smirked at his friend’s huffy attitude. Typical.
“You’ve always been honest with me Wolfram, and I’ve always appreciated that part you.”
Wolfram’s brow furrowed. A confused little angel.
“However, I haven’t been honest with you. Mostly because I haven’t been honest with myself..” Yuuri took a deep breath, trying to retain his confidence. Wolfram’s eyes grew wider and he stared at his dark haired king.
“But I can’t do that anymore. And I can’t not do this anymore.” Yuuri slid forward and reached out to grab Wolfram’s hand. Yuuri thought the little prince’s jaw was going to fall right off. He could almost laugh. He’d never seen Wolfram so utterly dumbfounded before.
“I can’t ignore it anymore Wolfram, and to be honest, I don’t really want to.” he clasp his hands over Wolf’s, gently pulling the older mazoku toward him, closing the distance between them.
“Wolf..” He had run out of things to say.
Wolfram’s astonished gaze flicked from Yuuri’s onyx irises to his parted lips.
Yuuri’s heart skipped. ‘Now or never, wimp.’ His thoughts echoed in his head.
He leaned in, praying to every god he could think of, hoping he would be an adequate kisser.
Wolfram’s lips were softer than he thought a boy’s lips could be. It was tender and pleasant, making his heart flutter. His lips burned in the most delicious way as he pulled back, head dizzy.
The bishounen before him looked even more dazed than he did, steadying himself by grabbing onto the front on Yuuri’s jacket.
“Yuuri.”
The voice his shining angel used to speak his name was one he never heard before, and he felt goosebumps shivering down his skin. Wolfram turned those endless emerald pools on him and he forgot to breathe.
He did not get a chance to catch his breath before his fiancé’s lips came crashing back over his, greedily pressing into him, driving his hands through the thick black mane hungrily. Wolfram’s mouth devoured him, coaxing his lips apart, swiping his tongue across the maou’s teeth. Yuuri could not suppress the delighted sigh that was returned by a desperate groan from the enticing blonde.
“Yuuri.” He tasted his own name on his tongue and opened his eyes to stare at his precious prince.
“Wolf.” his voice rumbled from deep in his throat.
“Yuuri,” his voice was weak and wobbly but his eyes were fierce, “I would do anything for you, but I have to tell you, this isn't some youthful infatuation. I'm in love with you.”
“I know that, Wolfram.”
“I just want to be yours, Yuuri.”
Yuuri chuckled, as if he deserved the flawless beauty in front of him. “Well I know I’m already yours. I always have been, all this time.”