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Mike was running late. He always was. This time was serious, though. He had a date. A proper date! It was with a guy- James -in his creative writing workshop class.
He's nice.
He's not Will.
"Shit, shit," Mike mumbles, sliding into the seat opposite from James. "Sorry," Mike manages.
James just laughs, "It's fine. You apologize a lot."
"Yeah." Mike breathes out, and it's meant to come out lighter than it does.
The thing is, Mike has always been good at masking his emotions. But after everything with El and Will, he just... couldn't. It felt like every time he tried to hide his feelings; they just ended up overflowing and coming out anyways.
James raises an eyebrow, setting down his drink. His face morphs into something softer and he asks, "You okay?"
"Well..." Mike hesitates. Can he really trust James? Can he really open up?
Yeah, Mike decides, I can.
... He probably shouldn't, though.
James raises his eyebrows and he looks genuine enough that Mike just decides - fuck it.
Mike picks up his own drink and takes a large sip. "I just..." Mike groans at his inability to put his feelings into words despite literally being an English major.
James chuckles, "It's okay. Take your time."
It reminds Mike entirely too much of Will. Even though Mike is here to take his mind off of Will, the boy seems to follow Mike everywhere.
Mike stares off into space for a moment before speaking again. "It's just... Everything is shit. Everything has gone to shit. Actually- scratch that." The words tumble out of his mouth before he can stop them. "Everything has always been shit. I don't even remember what being happy feels like. And I thought that..." Mike falters.
He takes a deep breath and continues. "I thought that, if I moved to New York and got away from my small town full of bad memories and if I pursued something that I actually liked and didn't become a copy and paste of my parents, then maybe I could finally be happy. That... maybe I could even get everything I've ever wanted."
Mike is near tears now, with his mind running straight to Will when he says that last line. Of course it does. How could it not? Even after all this time, after everything that they've been through, how could it not?
For a moment, Mike and James sit in silence. That is, until James speaks up. It's clear that what he says is meant to be humorous, but it just stings.
"Well, have you ever gotten everything you've ever wanted?"
Mike laughs, but it's self-deprecating. Finally, he decides, "No."
Mike thinks of Will, again. The boy that he knew for the better part of his life. And Mike- Mike remembers everything.
He remembers that dark night on Halloween of 1984, when he'd promised that if they were both going crazy, then they'd go crazy together.
He remembers their fight of 1985, when Mike had been an asshole for no reason other than to push away his own feelings. He remembers Will's hurt face on that fateful day in the rain.
He remembers when Will gave him a painting in the back of Argyle's van. He remembers realizing that the painting was never commissioned by El. He remembers realizing that Will had poured his own heart out and covered it up just to try and save Mike's own romantic relationship that was destined to die.
He remembers watching Will come out, and wondering who the hell Tammy was, and why Tammy was so blind and couldn't see that Will was perfect. He remembers realizing that he was Tammy. Is still Tammy. Will always be Tammy.
And finally, Mike remembers the day Will died. It was only an hour or so after Mike had realized his own feelings for Will. He remembers that he never got to tell Will, "I love you". He remembers that he never got to live the life he's always wanted to with Will.
But he was so close to getting what he wanted. He was so close to being able to live and love with Will, if that was what he'd still wanted.
Even then, Mike worries that it wasn't what Will wanted. Then again, it was just fate, wasn't it? Mike is always too late.
"No," Mike reiterates, "But I once got very close."