Chapter Text
The members glance at each other one last time, exchanging reassuring, confident nods. The interviewer smiles at them, and turns back to face the live audience as cameras start rolling.
"Welcome back, everyone! Hope you all didn't get too bored during the break!" She says cheerily. The boys laugh along with her.
"Hiii everyone!" Seongmin greets the crowd, taking initiative as the leader to speak out first. His band mates play along with him, offering their hellos as well. The live audience cheers, clearly pleased to get back with the program.
"Hope you didn't miss us all too much!”
The audience erupts into noise again, shouts of both 'Yes we did' and 'No we didn't' to be heard all the way to the set they were sitting in.
"Of course they didn't, Hyung. Our Readers were perfectly content waiting for us, weren't you all?" Aqua teases, playing back into his role again. The audience is back to fawning over him again, those who said otherwise the first time to Seongmin quickly changing their answers for him.
Seongmin pouts, about to make a retort to Aqua, when Baekhyun interrupts him with a smirk that he knows his fans will go crazy over.
"Mhm, Our maknae here is right, Seongminnie. Aren't you understanding our Readers again?” He asks, questioning Seongmin with a lighthearted glare.
Seongmin continues to pout, and then scrambles for a quick apology.
"Ahh, I wasn't, I wasn't, I swear! Readers, you believe me, don't you? I was just looking out for you all…" He trails off, a slightly frustrated expression visible on his face. Their fans are quick to change their mind yet again, unable to pick a side in this 'argument' about them.
"Are you manipulating our fans now, Seongmin-Ah?" Saejoon asks with a face of mock disapproval. Seongmin quickly tries to defend himself, while the crowd ping-pongs around defending him or taking the others' side. He tsks, shaking his head. "That's a new low, even for you.”
“I wasn't—!” Seongmin whines, but it's of no use. The boys have picked a target, and they're not letting him go that easy.
Haoyu shakes his head in disapproval as well, ignoring Seongmin who still seems to be in the middle of explaining himself. Hiding his smile, Haoyu fakes being in deep thought. "Ohh, The hyungs are arguing, again. What to do, What to do."
He then suddenly looks up, striking down on his own palm in realisation, before turning back to look at the audience.
"My Princess and Prince Readers, Why don't I just take you all away from Big Bad Seongmin over here and we all can live happily ever after?" He says with a wink, which makes the crowd go wild, while the rest of the group lets out a collective groan.
"Now, that's doing too much."
Aqua chides, sighing. The rest of the group agrees with him, nodding their heads as they switch their target quickly.
"Yeah, Haoyu. We all know if our Readers had to pick one of us to go with, out of everyone— They'd pick me." Yuki adds on, making the crowd go wild once again, and for his teammates to go into another argument as to who would get picked.
Aqua sighs again.
"Ah, you're all hopeless. Have you considered that maybe we should let Jieun-ssi speak?" He says, his words still as blunt as before, though the lightheartedness is a bit more visible this time.The members look a bit flustered this time, but they accept his suggestion.
"Oh, No, It's fine, Aqua-ssi! I'm just glad to see that you all have such a close relationship with your fans, Haha." The interviewer clarifies, though she seems a bit relieved to go along with her script again.
"Well, anyways, The next fan question of the day goes to.."
She flips through her cards, trying to act a bit secretive before she pulls one out and announces the question.
"Saejoon-ssi!"
The man in question quickly looks up at her, looking at her with a for me? expression that causes the audience's hearts to melt all over again.
The interviewer quickly clears her throat before reading the question out loud.
“To my bias, Sae-joon.
Are there any stories or memories from your Pre-debut that have stuck with you till now? Please share them with the readers! Love you! Readers and arc:ANGEL fighting ! ! ! ( ◜‿◝ )♡ ”
Saejoon looks up at the ceiling in thought, a hand to his chin as he tries to remember anything that he could share.
"Hm.. Pre-debut? Let's see.."
Saejoon stares into the monthly evaluation paper stuck onto the pin board, chewing his lip, he looks like he's deep in thought, rereading the paper over and over again.
Baekhyun walks into the training room, unsurprised to see Saejoon standing there by the pinboard— he almost always is near the damn thing— nonetheless, he still approaches the older boy, noting how transfixed he looks while staring into the monthly eval paper.
"What's wrong, Hyung-Ah? Rereading your perfect scores to flex on newbies again?" He jokes, trying to lighten the mood, yet, Seajoon doesn't respond, not until after a while.
Saejoon sighs, finally looking away from the paper. He looks a bit disheveled— maybe from practicing all day, but he thinks that it might be from something else, obviously related to the reason why he's been standing here staring at a piece of paper for so long.
"No, Baekhyun. I'm not." He says, trying to sound strict and firm, but he just ends up sounding tired. He sighs again, before admitting what's going on with him.
"I-I'm just.. frustrated, Alright?”
"Frustrated with your perfect scores?" Beakhyun asks almost innocently, tilting his head slightly to the side.
Saejoon resists the urge to roll his eyes at his words, feeling his frustration starting to rise again. He tries to explain his situation and defend himself, but it feels as if no words can capture the waves of emotions he's feeling.
"No, I mean..— Well, Yeah. But—"
He feels his tongue run out of words to say, and Baekhyun is still staring at him with that dumb look on his face, having the nerve to look actually confused. He sighs again, biting back on his urges to lash out.
Not right now.
Not here, with the security cameras still on. He's been in this company long enough to know where that will get him.
Not when he's so close to the finish line.
Baekhyun frowns.
"Well, then.. what's wrong?"
Baekhyun tries asking again, a lot more gently this time, realising that Saejoon is starting to get actually irritated with him.
"I just— I really am frustrated with my scores, alright?" Saejoon admits, even with how vain and arrogant he must sound, being the consistently top one trainee for so long, and even being on the debut team now, again.
For the third time.
And it's been almost a year since he has been on this third debut team.
A lot of trainees have come and gone, while he's consistent, on top of everyone, beating everyone to the finish line— which doesn't seem to be in sight. He's been on this debut team for almost a year now, and there has been no updates about it whatsoever, no news from any higher ups or producers, or choreographers— hell, not even a mere fake rumour from the side of the trainees. He was tired. Tired of hope, tired of believing that he had chances, tired of racing to a finish line that only he can never reach.
Saejoon looks back at Baekhyun, another trainee who has been there in the 'debut team purgatory' along with him. But he's different. He only even became a trainee a mere two years ago, meaning that he was talented enough to climb up in terms of scores and land in the debut team a mere year later. He still has those big, round, doe eyes—full of emotion and hope— that makes him look like a cute cartoon dog.
He almost looks like what Saejoon used to look like, bright eyed and thirteen, signing away his life into a survival show, starting the race that would eat away at his happiness.
He sighs for what feels like the hundredth time as he looks away, feeling his eyes start to burn. This was embarrassing. He was supposed to be the older one. The oldest one.
But before Baekhyun can tease him again, tell him about how he shouldn't be so frustrated over his perfect scores, there's another person already walking through the door, the sound of footsteps echoing across the practice room floor.
"Good Morning."
Aqua says as he walks in, a bit stiff and a little too polite— the younger boy still not that great with adapting into a foreign language. He quickly puts his bag down onto one of the benches nearby, before turning around to face the other two people in the room.
Saejoon bites back a groan. Just the right person he wanted walking into his pity party.
"Heyy.." Baekhyun greets back awkwardly, turning away from Saejoon, who very clearly looked pretty pissed by just Baekhyun attempting to talk to him already. "What're you doing here?”
"...Practice?" Aqua responds plainly, tilting his head. He leans slightly to try and see what's going on with Saejoon, but with both Baekhyun obscuring his view and his height not allowing him to really look over, he gives up in his attempts pretty quickly.
“..What's going on?”
He adds on, his eyes narrowing as he takes a closer look at Saejoon and the way he's standing, his head hung low and his hands clenched to tight fists at his side.
"Ahhh, Right, Practice! That's what we're all here for." Baekhyun replies unhelpfully, still for whatever reason trying to hide Sae-joon away from Aqua's view.
"Mhmm. Uh.." Baekhyun trails off again, not really knowing what to say now, he glances back at Saejoon, who's still staring into the floor.
"..'m fine."
Saejoon mumbles as he finally looks up from the floor, still unable to face the other two in the eye. He takes in a deep breath as he weaves his hands through his hair, trying to compose himself.
He finally locks eyes with one of them— Aqua, his deep blue eyes staring back into his own, a flash of vulnerability shared between them, like how lightning strikes for just a millisecond in a raining storm.
He immediately looks away.
"We— The teacher will be back soon. I'll go find the others. The last thing we need to do is get yelled at."
The half assed lie slips off his tongue quickly, his eyes meeting almost every nook and cranny of the practice room that aren't the other two boys' faces. His feet start to shift beneath him automatically, wanting to run.
"—Huh? Wait, Hyung!"
Saejoon is already out the door before Baekhyun can stop him. He stares at the empty doorway for a while in stunned silence.
He turns around to face Aqua, who is looking back at him in similar confusion. He can see the other boy raising an eyebrow at him, to which he shrugs. He's still clueless as to what is making the ever resilient Saejoon to act this way.
Stupid.
This whole thing is stupid.
Saejoon's eyes continue to water and fresh salty tears are still dripping down his face, despite his efforts in trying to wipe them away as quickly and harshly as he can. Right now, he's being embarrassing and stupid. Really, he doesn't even know why he's crying. Baekhyun is right. He has everything any other trainee in the company can only wish for; Perfect scores in every category of the monthly evaluations, A designated position in the debut team, a swarming amount of fans despite the fact he still hasn't debuted yet— But, Then why, Just why is he still crying?
His steps come to a halt as he realises that he's somehow walked into a wall. He wipes his face again before turning around to see if anyone was near him to notice how pathetic he's being right now— thankfully, the entire hallway seems to be empty. He takes a step backward, considering retracing his steps and doubling down on the excuse he told the other two and going to actually go call the other trainees, but— his legs seem to give out on him, the physical and mental toll of the whole day, week, month, year, half decade catching up to him.
He's tired. Really, really tired.
For a second, he contemplates the idea of just giving up and just curling up into a ball on the floor, but ultimately pulls himself together and manages to get himself back up on his two feet. See, any security cameras still recording him? He's still dependable and pulls himself up no matter what. He sniffles. He childishly hopes that if they really do see any of the recordings, that they'll just conveniently skip over all the parts of him crying.
He coughs miserably, his body still continuing to shake with tremors. He must be going crazy. He turns himself around and leans his back against the wall, his mind still flooded with thoughts he can't seem to stop.
He should probably get up, he realises. He's screwed if someone catches him like this, and he'd rather jump off the highest floor on the building than have some producer walk on him crying. Saejoon wipes away his tears and steels himself, biting his lips to prevent any more sobs from escaping. He stands there for a while, his back pressed against the dull concrete walls as he stares out into the open hallway.
"Ah.."
He groans. He should probably actually call the others over to practice like he lied. Their dance instructor usually had a no tolerance policy for tardiness after all.
With another sigh, he pushes himself off the wall and keeps walking.
As he keeps walking through what feels like unending hallways, thoughts and memories flood his mind, with him unable to push them away.
It must've been during the survival show production, he remembers. Something that one of the producers said has stuck with him over the years, haunting every part of his mind, even if he found it cliche when he initially heard it.
To debut is like a 10k race. You might think that it's an easy feat, as an outsider. That your finish line is just a few steps ahead of you, but you keep running, sprinting, faster and faster and it only seems to be further away than when you started. At those times, you have to walk. You have to walk, because by that point, you can't run anymore. Your feet hurt and your limbs start to give out under you, but you know you can't risk stopping, so you walk. Walk and Walk, until you reach that finish line.
He's been walking for so long now, hasn't he?
He returns to the practice room with the other trainees in the debut group, swiftly ignores the other two boys' who must've been waiting for you, his eyes fixated on the floor from not wanting to meet theirs.
Practice feels like a blur.
He uncharacteristically messes up a few steps and his dance instructor straight up grills him about it, but he's fine. He's completely normal, and he's on the right track. He messes up a couple notes during vocal training, and the others stare at him like he's murdered an orphan. He ignores them, because it's fine. He's allowed to mess up, because he's still going on the right track.
He decides to continue training for just a little longer, maybe till Eight. Not because he necessarily has to, but because he wants to. He wants this. The others shoot him concerned glances when he stays he'll be staying back today, But, he ignores it, because he's fine.
The clock on the wall only keeps ticking and ticking. He just can't seem to get that one dance move right, his legs just not moving along the right beat as he observes his actions in the mirror, the song on the speaker playing over and over.
It's nine now. The dance instructor finally pops her head back into the room to tell him to pack up his things and get back to his dorm. He doesn't really feel like leaving. He still hadn't gotten that move right.
It's about Nine-thirty when he starts the walk back to the dorm building, a couple of kilometres away from the company building. The streets are a bit chilly today, and he definitely regrets not having bought a coat when he came to train this morning. He shivers slightly at the cold air, his arms wrapping around himself as he seeks for warmth while he keeps walking. He's fine.
He is definitely fine.
... So what if he's hungry and cold and super unhappy right now?
Saejoon thinks, as his feet continue to carry him to his destination almost on autopilot as his mind is entirely focused on something else.
This isn't necessarily the first time he's ever stayed back at the company late, and it's definitely not the first time he's starved himself.
He doesn't get why his mind continues to betray him like this, constantly whirring with thoughts that flicker in his mind, one after the other. He doesn't know why he's so upset today, and he especially does not know why he's messing up so much today, even though he's fine with messing up. He's—
Saejoon walks face first onto the cold hard metal of a street light on the sidewalk, the metal hitting sharply against his skull.
He instantly recoils and takes a step back, wincing in pain as his eyes start to water. He gingerly rubs his forehead, cursing out loud at the streetlight, as his mouth betrays him with a sob.
How did he even end up here in the first place?!
He was walking on the right path till then. He bites his lip, staring at the street lamp as if it's the root of all his problems, sniffling.
...Alright.
Maybe he's not fine, after all.
He sobs again, suddenly angry. He doesn't know what he's angry at. Probably at that stupid street lamp and whichever architectural genius decided to place it right next to the middle of the sidewalk, and maybe even at himself, for trusting himself to keep walking without an end in sight, blindly believing his feet to take him to where he needs to be with his problems, or maybe he's mad at the dance instructor for calling him sloppy and absentminded for messing up a single move, maybe he's mad at everyone else for staring at him when his voice has very embarrassing cracked during a high note, maybe he's mad at that stupid, moron Baekhyun for asking him why he was upset about the evaluation papers, or his stupid group-mates who are so much better than him that they have solo debut offers before him.
He kicks the metal pole of the street lamp. Fuck. His feet hurt worse now. He didn't even kick that hard.
Saejoon sighs as he looks up into the sky, which looks black and empty, dark clouds and smoke covering whatever stars that might be present in it from his vision.
He sniffles as he continues staring, ignoring the fact that he might look a bit crazy, or as if he just went through a really bad break-up as he stands there in the middle of the street as he looks up into the sky, tears streaming down his face. He continues to wallow in his own misery for a while, his malicious thoughts winning out against him as his mind continues to curse at him for acting so uncharacteristically stupid today.
"Saejoon is supposed to be the oldest now,"
His mind echoes the words that he heard one of the instructors say a year back, something that he heard whilst he stayed hidden by the corridor separating them.
“If he isn't going to be responsible and get his act together, he's never gonna debut.”
He sniffles, and kicks the pole again for good measure. It only makes his foot hurt more.
Well, If he's not going to debut, what then? He thinks. It's not like he has to. Sure, maybe he's not the best student in class, but he's done well enough in his studies for him to have somewhat of a backup plan, right?
(Deep down, he knows he could never not debut. He was far too close to the finish line just to quit and start walking back to the start of the race. Because, it would be a long walk back, on sore and bruised limbs and blistered feet. He just wants it to end already, even if he won't get first place.)
He sniffles again. He feels cold. Maybe he should just—
He hears someone sigh from behind him. “Are you just gonna stand there and kick the street lamp again?”
Startled, Saejoon whips his head around so quickly that he almost loses his balance. “—Huh?!”
Aqua grips his arm so he doesn't fall over. “Careful.” He replies, his voice stern. “It’s just me.”
“You startled me!” Saejoon huffs, his voice hoarse. “Can you give a warning next time? God— You're like a horror movie jumpscare!”
“..I have experience.”
“That was not a compliment!” Saejoon barks out, and suddenly remembers how rough he must look, a scratch on his forehead, tears running down his face and blood red eyes— God, if a fansite caught sight of him like this— He pauses. He sighs, looking down at the ground. He catches his breath, and looks back up to the boy standing ahead of him. “...What are you doing here?”
Aqua rolls his eyes. “Shouldn't I be asking you that?” He replies. “The others were worried when you didn't come home past curfew. Do you have any idea what time it is?” He scolds, looking straight at him, with an almost… concerned look?
Saejoon blinks.
“I.. Sorry.” He mumbles out an apology, caught off guard by the fact that the others were concerned about him, and even more surprised by the fact that Aqua was concerned enough to go out searching for him this late.
He stands there wordlessly for a while, waiting for Aqua to pry and ask him questions as to why he was standing out here in the first place, why he looks like such a mess and why he's been acting like such a huge dick to everyone this whole day. Why the hell he’s so self-centred that he's sobbing over one stupid off hand remark, despite being perfect.
But, even after what feels like hours of silence, the questions never come.
Finally, Saejoon breaks, unable to handle the silence. “Aren't you gonna ask me what happened?” He snaps, somehow irritated.
Aqua only sighs beside him. “Do you want me to?” He asks in reply. Saejoon doesn't have a response, continuing to look down at the ground. “..No.” Saejoon mutters back, a bit unsure.
He feels a bit crazy. He knows he shouldn't, but he does. He doesn't want to be questioned, but it does feel like he needs to be shaken around and interviewed until he can spill his guts out on the matter.
“Well, why are you even here?” Saejoon sighs, finally looking up at the younger boy.
“I came to get you.”
He scoffs. “They couldn't find anyone else to send?”
Aqua shrugs in response.
Saejoon almost wants to walk back into the lamp-post again. What the hell was his life now? He's nineteen years old getting scolded by a fifteen year old for staying out late past curfew, and getting irritated because he won't ask him what's wrong. In the end, his dance instructor was right. He does need to get his act together.
He sighs, dragging a hand across his face, before just accepting this was just how he was going to live now. That this was what his life was, this was probably how he's going to spend the rest of his life and that, miserably— he's stuck here, whether he likes it or not, to watch others pass the finish line while he trails behind, despite how much of a promising start he had. Because maybe, he was destined to live out this sisyphean nightmare—
“... Aren't you going to come back to the dorm?”
Huh.
“Huh?” He breathes out, having forgotten about the fact that there was someone else standing there, waiting for him while he spiralled. He sucks in a breath. God, was he only going to make this day more embarrassing for himself?
“Y-yeah. Uh- I'll follow you.” Saejoon manages to reply, stumbling over his words. Aqua doesn't provide much of a response as always, only nodding before turning his heel and walking along with him, on the way back to their dorm.
They both just keep walking for a while after that, Saejoon’s mind completely blank now, maybe from all the embarrassment. Maybe about 10 minutes into their walk, he feels something poking into his arm. He blinks, looking down to see a bottle of water being pressed against his arm.
“Drink this.” Aqua mumbles. “You're probably dehydrated.”
Saejoon would like to argue, but he doesn't. He snatches the bottle, quickly cracking it open, and takes a sip. For some odd reason, that helps alleviate his mood. Neither of them talk as they make the walk back home.
For an even more odd reason, they stick closer together than they ever have during their detour, and Saejoon likes the closeness a lot more than he'd like to admit.
He's never been close to Aqua before. Not physically or emotionally, hell— he barely knows a thing about the guy who he's been training with for maybe about three years. To think of it, Saejoon had almost always found him annoying.
Don't get him wrong— He didn't find him annoying the same way he did Baekhyun. Aqua was never a nuisance, quite the opposite. But, still annoying on the basis of Saejoon being unable to understand his motives. Even Baekhyun, who was perhaps the most annoying thing on earth, so clearly wanted to be an idol that it bled through into his efforts in training.
But Aqua didn't seem to have any clear wishes on being an idol— even with how good he seemed to be in the trainee charts, trailing close behind him these days. From his observation, everything he did seemed too practiced. Like a perfect replica of someone, yet lacking the soul or depth of the original, meticulously crafted to lure people in— the high waves of an ocean ready to pull someone in and never out.
To someone whose entire life has been devoted to wanting to be an idol, people who so clearly don't want to be, admittedly, get on his nerves.
(And maybe a small part of him is scared of the threat of being replaced, someone younger, more perfect, more flawless. He shakes his head. That can't be right.)
But, right now, he can't quite be annoyed by Aqua's presence, though he'd like to be. He doesn't mind his presence, and maybe, he even likes it. Though, that could just be his brain being happy about receiving the warmth of another person close by in this cold. He doesn't know. Up close, Aqua looks a lot different than he usually does, tucked away in a corner of the practice room, rehearsing to himself. Saejoon hadn't noticed how much taller he's gotten this past year. It's strange. Just two years ago, he was barely as tall as Baekhyun, the youngest.
“Yah,” Saejoon starts for some reason, his mouth opening before he can think. “Did you walk here?” He asks dumbly.
“Yeah,” Aqua replies. “I came to get you.” He repeats.
“Yeah— I-i know that.” He reports. “Just—” He stumbled for his words. There's a lot of questions on his tongue. Why did you come out here looking for someone who doesn't care about you, out in this cold? Why walk across metres in the night to find someone who isn't even your friend— not even anybody's friend for that matter, his mind supplies, paired with memories on how harsh he is with the other members—Why bother looking for him? But all that comes out is a measly, “How'd you even find me?”
Aqua just shrugs, in his usual, nonchalant way that would usually get on his nerves. He repeats the same words he did as before, Saejoon doesn't know whether or not it's because he's still unaware of the language or because he's persistent on instilling the message to him.
“I came to get you.”
And for some reason, after that, he doesn't ask any more questions. They just keep walking, walking out through the cold, until they reach the dormitory, far too late, just in time to get scolded.
“Hmm..” Saejoon drones on, leaving the others on edge as they wait for a response.
“Oi, are you gonna give us a response sometime within this year?” Aqua quips from his seat.
Saejoon smiles as he replies. “Ah, Of course, Aegi-yah. It just reminded me of a fond memory with you.” He ends on a wink, causing the younger to roll his eyes while the audience loses their minds yet again.
“Will you stop with that nickname?”
“Never!” Saejoon replies, his tone chipper but completely serious. The audience laughs with him yet again.
“Ah, Well, So the story is…”
“One winter, me and Aqua walked all the way out through the dorm to get to our form, right? But we got home so late we got scolded by our manager and we caught a cold from staying out.”
“Eh?” The interviewer replies, giggling at the anticlimactic story. “Is that so?”
The crowd laughs yet again, teasingly booing at him. Saejoon laughs along.
“Ah, come on, you guys know I'm the worst to ask stories to!”
“No one was expecting you to be this bad at storytelling though, Saejoonie Hyung.”
“Shut up, Baekhyun.”