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When a group of dwarves are gathered for a while, they start taking bets on almost anything. Princes were no exceptions, and Fili and Kili were always ready to bet on anything, even when money was not included. They had nothing better to do when riding their ponies all day long after all, and Thorin would get angry each time they’d go too far ahead due to pure boredom, and exhausted their mounts while doing so.
They were discussing whether or not there was something going on between their scribe and their burglar when Kili turned around to look at Ori and Bilbo. Then noticed that both of them were happily chatting with Bifur.
“Hey Fee, I thought that Bifur didn’t talk?”
Fili glanced behind them too to have a look, then looked back in front of him. “Must be talking old Khuzdul with Ori, he knows it. And the hobbit must be staying because of his crush for him, I guess.”
Kili took another look, looking puzzled.
“Fee?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you think Bifur knows why he’s here?”
Fili arched a brow. “What do you mean?”
“Well you know, he’s always looking up at butterflies and so on, and looks a bit crazy to me. And when we’re talking personal matters, he doesn’t move an inch.”
The blond prince chuckled.
“I’d bet that, were he to be courted by someone just as subtle as our uncle, he wouldn’t even notice it.”
Kili grinned. “Is that a serious bet?”
“Yep. Yep it is. The one losing has to steal Bofur’s hat and hide it for a week without getting caught.”
“Deal. But, Fee?”
“Mh?”
“How do we get to know if Bifur is likely to guess he’s being courted? I mean there’s no one in the company who’d be likely to do that.”
When Fili’s smile said ‘isn’t the answer obvious’, Kili knew he could begin to worry.
“The last one waking up next morning gets to court Bifur.”
Kili snorted. “You are so going to lose.”
Apparently it was never mentioned that Fili was forbidden to ask Nori to wake him up at dawn the next morning. It felt like the two of them were plotting against him, and Kili did not like that at all.
But in the end, that could have been worse, he just had to prove Fili that Bifur would not react if being courted not subtly at all, and he’d win. Easy as pie.
Except he shouldn’t have been so nervous about it.
“So, what are you guys talking about?”
Bilbo and Ori turned their heads towards Kili, apparently surprised to see him there. Bifur just stared blankly in front of him. Well, at least that was what he seemed to be doing. Kili saw him move his hands to say something in Iglishmek, but did not get the opportunity to read it. Nor the strength to read it. If he were to be honest, Kili was really bad at reading Iglishmek if the person signing was not doing it slowly, and he was even worse at signing himself. So he never bothered.
“I’m teaching the basics of Iglishmek to master Bilbo,” Ori answered. “Master Bifur is helping me explaining and giving him some examples.”
How was he supposed to show some interest in that, really.
“I don’t see the point,” Kili answered. “Besides, isn’t that something we shouldn’t share with strangers?”
Bifur signed something again. He was actually really quick at it. Kili was definitely not jealous. Princes were not jealous. Not even when scribes seemed to understand every single sign of it, and smiled afterwards.
“You’re right, master Bifur.”
“Why is he right? What did he say?”
Ori turned towards him again, looking sincerely surprised.
“Funny, that should be my line,” the hobbit said with a smile which Kili did not like at all. Which was why he glared at him.
“You mean you don’t know Iglishmek?” Ori continued.
“Eh, I’m a prince, I can say things the way they are. Besides, my brother knows it, he can translate private conversations to me later.”
“Don’t you want to learn it?”
“Don’t see the point.”
“I don’t know about you,” Mr Boggins started again, “but the first point I see in it is being able to talk to master Bifur.”
When he saw the smile on the warrior’s face, Kili suddenly remembered why he was there. Fili was so going to pay for this.
Bifur and Ori were damn good at Iglishmek. Not to mention that Bilbo seemed to learn it rather quickly. Kili, on the other hand, felt more ashamed than ever. When Bifur made quick signs for him and the hobbit to recognize, Bilbo got them right every time.
“Oh forget it, I just suck at this,” he finally snapped, looking away from Bifur’s hands.
“You know,” Ori began, “Iglishmek is a complex language, even though the words used are rather simple… I mean, it takes weeks and weeks of practice to be able to read it…”
“Yeah, tell that to the burglar, he’s even better at this than me. I’ll see if anybody else needs company, see you later.”
Before any of them could protest, he made his pony quicken to ride next to Dwalin. What he needed at that time was some time alone, and he knew Dwalin was just the best at remaining silent when Thorin or Balin weren’t talking to him. And he did not want to go anyway near his brother, who’d surely make fun of him. And when ashamed, he’d rather be left alone.
Being left alone was not so difficult in the end, for Fili seemed to be having a pretty good chat with Nori for the whole evening.
Kili wasn’t jealous. Just wondering why chatting with Nori had suddenly become more important to Fili than spending time with his brother and making fun of him about their bets. He just wanted Fili to come to see him to tell him the bet about Bifur was over because there was no way he was spending more time showing off how stupid and unable to learn he was. Even a hobbit understood Iglishmek better than him. That was not how things were supposed to go.
And as if things could go even worse than that, Bifur chose that particular evening to come sit next to him during dinner. He had chosen the more isolated tree stump of the camp on purpose. Nobody was supposed to come sit next to him. And especially not Bifur. He made his best to ignore the warrior, but was forced to look at him when a hand was kindly pressing his arm. He glared.
“Did you come to make fun of me?”
Bifur simply shook his head, and raised both his hands, staring at him. The prince was about to get angry again, ready to spit at him that he did not know more Iglishmek than a child would, but was surprised to notice the warrior was taking his time to sign it slowly. He was even more surprised when he restarted after three signs, as if he was waiting for him to try and read it.
Kili was not really sure why he tried.
“ ‘Do…no… worry?’ What shouldn’t I worry about?” he frowned.
He did not expect Bifur’s face to brighten in a smile. He did not expect to think that the dwarf looked rather normal when not staring into the void. A dwarf with an axe in his skull did not look normal.
But Bifur kept signing, so he had to focus, and went on murmuring every word he recognized. Occasionally, Bifur would start again for him to understand. That way, the dwarf told him that Iglishmek could be rather hard for some people to learn, and that his own cousin Bofur needed months of practice before being able to exchange simple sentences with him.
“But it seemed oddly easy for Bilbo,” Kili mumbled.
/Ori teach him/, Bifur signed. /Today not first lesson/
Kili shouldn’t have looked that relieved, and he knew that. But he couldn’t prevent himself from smiling.
“So do you think that if I train a lot, I’d be able to talk to you?”
Bifur smiled again, and signed him /tomorrow/, before he got up, waved at him and went back to his cousins.
He felt less ashamed of his own skills, somehow. And he was rather proud of having been able to understand Bifur.
…
Of course, it was partly because it meant he’d have the opportunity to try and show Fili that Bifur would never notice being courted. But after that last conversation, he was starting to feel uneasy towards the whole thing.
No one had ever bothered teaching him what he had trouble to learn, actually. After all, Fili was the heir, he was the one asked to learn proper Iglishmek, old Khuzdul and even that elvish language whose name he had forgotten. That was his job, and Kili could do anything he wanted during his brother’s lessons. And if he had regretted it before, he was now glad about it.
Learning Iglishmek sounded boring before Ori and Bifur taught him and Bilbo. Of course, learning it was still easier and quicker for Bilbo, and that was why during the evenings, he would stay with Bifur to practice his lesson of the day, while Ori would teach more advanced signs to Bilbo, some meters away. That seemed perfectly normal after all. And Bifur had agreed to teach him some Iglishmek swearing, which was cool. He got quite along with the warrior, actually.
…
Which was only interesting if he was still planning to court him to prove Fili he was wrong, but he did not know how to start. And to be honest, given the fact that Fili did not pay attention to him for long times during the day, he was tempted by forgetting about their bet. After all, he was starting to like Bifur as a friend, and was now pretty sure the dwarf had not lost his mind. He did not want to hurt him.
… No, he did not want to give him wrong ideas. That was his true motivation, yes. At least that was what he told Fili when they were watching over the ponies one evening. Fili who sniggered at it.
“So what you’re basically telling me is that you’re a coward…”
“No I’m not!” he protested, “I just found out that Bifur is a nice guy, that he has feelings, and that our bet won’t lead to anything but me hurting him! I don’t want to do it anymore, Fee.”
His brother looked at him with wide eyes.
“When did you have the time to discover all of that about him?”
“When you obviously had time to disappear in the woods with Nori every single day to ‘hunt for food’.”
“I do hunt for food with Nori every night.”
“But was else do you do that makes you refuse for my help each and every time I want to come with you?”
“…Nothing.”
“Uh-hu.”
“Look Kee, I really--… hold on, did something just move over there?”
“Yeah right, don’t change the subject.”
“No really, I swear to you I saw something move over there, near the ponies!”
“Sure, now tell me what’s going on between you and Nori.”
“…Kee, later, I think we’re missing two ponies.”
“As if I’d fall for-- Mahal you’re right we’re missing two ponies. Oh. Oh no.”
“Thorin is going to kill us”
“What do we do now, Fee?”
“We will…stand there.”
“Stand there.”
“Yes. And think of a plan.”
Sending Bilbo free two ponies guarded by three trolls was the worst plan Fili ever came up with. No, Kili was definitely not taking a tiny bit of blame for it.
After what he would later call the ‘troll incident’, Kili was surprised when Bifur handed him a cow skull. He did not know how to interpret that, really, especially given that Fili seemed to find it very funny. He looked back at the warrior, trying to get any explanation. Bifur noticed and looked at him, then at the skull, then began moving his hands.
/Need that for arrows. Good when sharp,/ he signed slowly.
“Oh, right, thank you I guess! It’s true that I’ll probably have to make some more in the future, thanks again.”
Bifur just smiled and rose.
By the end of the day, since he had to use most of his arrows against orcs, Kili was truly glad to have the opportunity to build some more. And no, he’d never have asked some arrows from the elves. These idiots and their arrows were way too tall for his taste.
He was sitting in front of a small garden of Rivendell and busy carving the horns in several arrow heads when Ori, Bilbo and Bifur joined him for their Iglishmek lesson. It was a rather short one, because Ori had to leave them early – Dori apparently needed to talk to him.
“To be honest, I’m wondering why he is so nervous each time his big brother wants to talk to him,” Bilbo began.
“Oh you know, Dori is kind of a mother hen sometimes… and I think he’s got some reasons to be worried about you lately,” Kili winked.
“…what do you mean?”
The prince looked towards Bifur with a smirk, and although the warrior seemed fascinated by the horn he was carving, he seemed to have been following the conversation, for he turned his head towards Bilbo.
/You and Ori nice couple./
He had signed it slowly enough for Kili to understand, and seemed rather happy to hear the young prince laugh heartily at his remark. Bilbo on the other hand was fully blushing.
“We… We’re not a couple!”
“Yet?” Kili added, a wide smile on his lips. “Come on, just tell us how things are working for the two of you, we won’t tell anybody about it.”
Bilbo bit his lower lip, but soon gave up. “Fine, but if I’m telling you’ll have to answer embarrassing questions too.”
“Fine, fine, just tell us!”
“So… I think I like Ori a lot, but I don’t know about how he feels towards me…”
Bifur made a noise with his tongue – he always did that when he wanted others to look at him signing.
/Ori likes you at lot. You two cute./
Both Kili and him chuckled when they saw that their burglar’s face could apparently turn redder.
“Ok, right, you had enough fun, now it’s my turn!” Bilbo said, puffing. “I…Master Bifur, why don’t you start and tell us what kind of dwarves you like, ah!”
/Depends/, Bifur answered. /If women, think Gloin with breasts./
Kili and Bilbo both blinked at him. “Are you serious?”
/Definitely./
The warrior did not seem that pleased when the prince and the hobbit burst into honest laughs.
/Being serious./
It took them several minutes to calm down, and when they did, Bilbo sat properly again, wiping a tear from the corner of his eyes.
“Now that I think of it, the way you said it leads to think you also have a type concerning male dwarves, am I right?”
Kili blamed his sudden interest on the bet-with-Fili-that-was-no-longer-a-bet. He was not at all personally interested in the answer. Definitely not at all. No reason for staring at Bifur like that.
Although the warrior seemed uneasy, he finally answered Bilbo with a simple “yes”.
“Then what is your male type?”
Bilbo was obviously having too much fun with his revenge. And Kili becoming way too nervous about Bifur’s answer. So nervous that he shouted when the warrior made his best to sign his answer the fastest he could.
“Oh come on, that’s not fair, I did not read any of it! Bilbo, what did he say?”
“… I don’t think I can tell you, I… yes Ori, I’m coming!”
“Ori did not call you!”
But the hobbit got up and almost ran away, not without signing a quick and clumsy /sorry, good luck/ to Bifur. To whom Kili glared.
“Why did you sign it that quickly! And what was Bilbo saying? I’d like to know too, so tell meee!”
/Bad idea. Very bad./
“Oh come on, you’re just telling me your type of male dwarves, how bad is that!”
Much to the prince’s disappointment, Bifur stood up, ready to leave any moment now, mumbling something in this old dialect only he and his cousins still understood.
“You know I can’t understand that! Now tell me, pleaaaase!”
Bifur seemed to resist really hard, and only managed to sign a quick /you/ before he left.
It took Kili two hours to finally understand he was not starting a sentence, but answering him with one word.
Oh.
And he still had not begun to court the older dwarf, which meant that his bet with Fili was truly over. He also did not know why he came to Bofur before he heard himself politely ask permission to court Bifur.
Bofur chocked on his drink.
“Excuse me lad, you want to what?”
Kili uneasily shifted from one foot to the other. “I know it looks silly, but I’m really serious about it… I mean I like Bifur a lot, and I got the feeling that he found me kind of attractive if I got that right, so I figured that... that you know, it’s worth the try?”
The toymaker still stupidly blinked at him, and only moved again when Nori discreetly reminded him “Hey Bofur, remember you owe me ten gold pieces for that”, to make an obscene gesture towards the thief. Nori laughed and left, leaving Bofur and Kili alone. It took the older dwarf some time to think before he spoke again.
“I guess I have nothing to say against you courting Bifur, and that Bombur will probably think the same so… you have the family’s approval.”
Seeing that Kili was so happy – and apparently preventing himself to let out a cry of joy – Bofur’s last fears disappears. The prince was right the dwarf his cousin needed, which was good. Good and reassuring.
“Oh thank you thank you thank you! I know it’s not normally something you should tell me, but… do you have any idea of what I could give him as a courting gift?”
This time, Bofur couldn’t hide a smile. “I guess that’ll have to do with a favorite craft of yours, and something that’d be useful for him.”
“Thank you a lot!”
And with that, Kili eagerly ran away.
Bifur blinked at the small satchel Kili handed him.
/What this for?/, he signed. He couldn’t refrain a smile when he saw that the prince was beaming with joy.
“For you! I’ve noticed that you liked to pick up some pieces of wood you see for your craft, as well as many other things, so I thought it would be useful for you!”
Bifur gestured a /thank you/ and took the satchel, moving it into his hands and opening every pocket to peek inside. But his amazement soon faded away, and he was left puzzled.
/Why?/
Kili bit his lower lip. “It’s just… a gift. From…me. To you. To, you know, show you how… how much I like you.”
It looked like Bifur was looking for words to sign, but Kili, who had become increasingly nervous at that point, snapped. “It’s a courting gift because I like you but you don’t have to take it, I won’t force you!”
To be honest, he was about to flee away when Bifur kindly laughed, and then mumbled something in Khuzdul, looking fondly at him.
“I… what?”
/I said you cute/, Bifur signed with a smile. /I like it. Courting gift, like it. Thank you. Will give you mine soon./
Kili thought he was about to die from joy. And that was before he realized he had jumped into Bifur’s arms to kiss him. And before they had both fallen on the ground, laughed, and kissed again.
As they left Rivendell, Fili turned to his younger brother, a bemused smile on his face.
“By the way Kee, I haven’t asked you how this little business with Bifur is going on since we arrived at the elves’.”
He got a wide smile in return. “Oh, yes, by the way! Bifur and I are going to marry once we reach Erebor! I asked him yesterday!”
Actually, the elves only noticed they had left without a warning when they heard Fili shout a “YOU WHAT?” somewhere far in the mountains.