Chapter Text
I think I finally understand why Keton had that look in his eyes ever since he came back from the war. I understand why he had those ghosts in his eyes, though they were mostly gone by now, and why he would flinch at sudden sounds. Why he would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night, screaming.
He was there for much more of the war than I was, but I've seen so much now. I survived all the trials to become the Imperial Tailor, even with a broken hand, but at the cost of being discovered as a woman. The lashings I was given were pure, bright agony, that still haunts me. After all of that, Lady Sarnai tasked me with making the dresses of Amana. The trials for each were more taxing than I could have imagined. Even after so long, sometimes I could swear I saw Bandur's face in the mirror. I saw the war. I saw the fighting. I contributed to the bloodshed and the violence, all so the shansen's demon, Gyiu'rak, wouldn't kill my people. For so long I had voices whispering in my head that weren't mine. Voices that told me to do evil, vile things. The voices, the urges, made me do terrible things. They made me hurt the people I love.
It took me what felt like ages just to shut my eyes and fall asleep. Every time I tried, I would end up tossing and turning restlessly, unable to calm my racing thoughts. I focused on the warmth of my blanket, a pleasant reminder that I wasn't turning into a demon anymore. I was free. I was myself again.
* * *
I was in the dungeon again. I didn't remember getting there, nor did I remember going all the way down to where Lady Sarnai was held. Her skin was that unnatural gray-blue color that I remembered, and she still had those black and purple splotches all over her body, way too close to her heart. She wasn't awake, and she wasn't moving. She would be dead soon if I didn't do something. Edan was right when he said the dresses weren't meant for mere mortals.
Edan. The boy I loved. Gods, I missed him so much. How long had it been since I last saw him? Surely he would know exactly what to do. He was always so smart like that. I hoped to the gods that his extract would actually work to heal her. Lady Sarnai had no magic in her, unlike me and Edan. She wasn't meant for these dresses. They were tied to me, not her.
When I looked around to make sure no one had followed me, the chains binding Lady Sarnai seemed to disappear, only coming back when my focus was returned to her. The dungeon wasn't the same as I remembered, either. The brickwork was different just enough that I could notice.
Kill her! a harsh and familiar voice whispered in my head. Think of all the pain she's caused you! She wouldn't hesitate to have you executed. You saw it yourself.
Terror gripped my cold heart at the sound of it. Why was she here? Why now? I thought my mind was free of her!
She's so weak right now. So is Lord Xina. The guards are all half asleep. There has never been a moment more perfect than this!
"No," I whispered to myself. The voice continued to coo as I uncorked the bottle of extract from Edan's chambers and fed it to Lady Sarnai. It was supposed to heal the gravest of injuries, yet she still would not stir. The voice in my head grew more insistent. It told me of how sweet the vengeance would feel. It would be so easy. There were a million ways I could do it.
I couldn't give in. I was Maia Tamarin, not Lady Sarnai. I would not be so quick to punish her for my suffering. I would not be a killer. I couldn't listen to the demon. It wasn't me. I had to stay myself for as long as I could. As if on instinct, I touched my pendant and unwound the tears of the moon and settled it over her body. I paused, looking down at my sleeves. Why was I in my masculine disguise? Why wasn't I wearing the dress of the sun?
I didn't realize she'd finally woken up until her shriek pierced my ears. "Demon!" she yelled, sending a shock of fear through me. "She's a demon!"
I whirled around to see two guards storming down into the dungeon. They grabbed me roughly by the arms so hard it hurt. A surge of white-hot rage flowed through me. Who did they think they were? I could kill them all in an instant! They stood no chance against me!
That rage quickly turned back into fear when I saw Lady Sarnai standing in the same garb she wore when she ordered my punishment after Norbu revealed I was not a man. There were no shackles binding her to the wall. Her skin was unblemished, like she'd never worn the dress of the stars at all. She looked down at me, though we were the same height. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I knew how this ended. I knew what was going to happen next. She fluttered her hand at the guards. "Forty lashes to her back. Restart the count if she faints. I'm sure His Majesty will be fine having her hanged by the morning."
"No!" I screamed as the guards gripped my arms impossibly tight, dragging me to the higher level. "No, please! She's lying!"
They didn't listen to me, not like I expected them to. They wouldn't listen. I already knew how this would go. As predicted, they tore off my tunic and chest strips, hardly giving me any time to cover myself before the lashes began. As predicted, it was a burning agony. Every lash sent blood splattering onto the walls and floor. I choked when the next lashing was even harder than the last and blood came spilling out of my mouth where I had bitten my tongue. With each hit more tears and more blood spilled onto the floor. This was the part where Edan was supposed to appear, right? Seven lashes. He was supposed to be here, to save me from–
A scream ripped through my throat when the whip bit into my skin like fire yet again. They were getting faster and stronger with each hit, just like I remembered. Except this time, I wouldn't be saved. My vision swam and my eyes began to droop. Too much blood. Too much pain. For a blissful moment, the world went black and silent.
* * *
I bolted awake with a cry, convinced I was whipped again and the count had restarted. I gasped for breath as cold tears ran down my face, taking in my surroundings. I was no longer in that cold, dank dungeon. I was in my room. My safe, warm room. Keton taught me a strategy to calm down after nights like this. He said it was supposed to help ground you. First, acknowledge five things you can see around you. Then, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.
One, the window where my letters from Edan always came in. Two, the inky black sky just outside, littered with hundreds of bright stars. It was nowhere near the morning, which was when many of the letters would come in. Three, the bed I was laying in, the space next to me depressingly empty. The longing for Edan, my Edan, was enough to make me weep and make me completely forget about my count. It was always so lonely in my room, especially on nights like this. I couldn't stand to be alone. I needed someone to reassure me that the demon wasn't making me see things again. Still, just looking at the sky told me it was far too late to wake up Baba or Keton.
I stumbled out of my bed and to the window to gaze out at the sky. The darkness of it reminded me of Edan's wings when he used to turn into a hawk. Sometimes when I was lucky, I would wake up from a nightmare to find a letter by my window. I was not that lucky this time. I could feel the cold, crisp night air against my face, which was a relief. I could still feel. I could still remember.
When my hands finally stopped shaking, I lit a candle and grabbed a piece of parchment with my brush to compose a letter.
Dear Edan,
I'm sure you know how much I miss you. That's the subject of most of my letters to you, but I feel it especially tonight. I had another nightmare, you see. I was really hoping they would die down by now, but such is life. I'm not sure if I want to write what this one was about. I wouldn't want my hands to start shaking again and make this illegible. I just wish you could be here to comfort me. I wish I could hold you in my arms forever and never have to let go. It's still pitch dark outside, save for the light of the moon, but my candle is bright enough to see by. Everything reminds me of you. The sun, the moon, the stars, my red threads, the empty space in my bed. All of it. If only the time would just go by faster until I could see you again. Everything is better when I'm with you. I'm so incredibly happy that you have this opportunity to train in your magic. I know you love it in the same way I love my sewing. I was the one who insisted you go back, after all. I just wish you didn't have to be so far away. Thankfully, we can still send letters between us. I can't wait for you to show me what you've learned, and I can't wait to see you when fall comes. I love you.
Your brightest one,
Maia
I sighed and set down my brush, rereading the letter as the ink dried onto the page. It was pretty good considering how tired I was, but I wished I was able to compose my thoughts better. At least I could remember him, clear as day. I dug around for my sketchbook to flip through the designs I had made. I really needed to get started on that shawl for one of the ladies who regulared our shop. Though, it would probably be the best if I did it in the morning when I could muster up more concentration.
I reread the letter one last time before folding it into the shape of a paper crane, just like Ammi had taught me. I wondered how she was doing. I knew Keton was really looking forward to visiting her bakery. His crush on my friend was incredibly obvious. If he couldn't hide it, I wondered how obvious I was with Edan.
With that thought lingering in my mind, I sent the letter off and fell back asleep at my windowsill.