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The first time, it was a joke.
At least, at the time, she’d been sure about it. In hindsight, she wasn’t sure anymore, but it had been so long since that day that it didn’t feel worth it to ask.
The first time, they’d both been a little drunk and a little giddy, sitting out on the back porch of Eva’s neighbor’s house, the party still continuing inside without them while they watched someone a few neighborhoods away use up the last of their leftover July Fourth fireworks. The music muffled by the glass sliding door was loud and objectively awful, so instead they were listening to Eva’s liked songs, the phone perched on her knee because there wasn’t enough space between them for it to rest on the wooden stairs. Kate was busy teasing Eva for her music taste, which Eva insisted was only bad because her liked songs playlist stretched back to middle school and if Kate would just let her play her most recent playlist, she’d see that Eva actually had excellent music taste, thank you very much, but of course that wouldn’t be as fun as teasing her about having the entire Victorious soundtrack there. Eva threatened to play Kate’s liked songs next time, which only made Kate laugh harder because fat fucking chance, you don’t even know my passcode, and Eva’s phone tumbled to the grass as she leaned over to try to snatch Kate’s out of her hand.
And then there they were. Kate flat on her back, half about to fall off the wooden step, her phone held above her head, but Eva wasn’t even trying to grab for it, too busy clinging to the steps to keep herself from tumbling off of where she hovered above Kate, their faces just an inch or two apart. Not for the first time, Kate’s mind tumbled into visions of what would happen if either of them closed that distance, if she put a hand on Eva’s waist, if Eva pulled her closer—but then Eva was sitting up again, holding out a hand to pull Kate up to sitting again, and a song Kate didn’t recognize this time was playing in the grass.
“I totally could’ve kissed you there,” Eva whispered, and the phone sang “I’ll meet a girl in the heat of July,” and Kate just laughed it off.
“What, like a romcom?” she’d replied, staring at the reflection of the party lights in Eva’s glasses instead of actually looking in her eyes. Eva didn’t wear her glasses often, but she’d told Kate on the walk over that she planned on getting drunk tonight and contacts were enough of a pain when she was sober, and of course, that was why the world felt too bright and Kate’s thoughts were too loud, it was because they were both drunk and whatever this… this buzzing in her chest was, was all because of the taste of beer that lingered on her lips and probably on Eva’s lips, too.
The buzzing was still there in the morning. Kate brushed her teeth and googled hangover cures for the headache pounding behind her eyes and decided it was nothing.
The second time, Kate was definitely joking… mostly.
They were both sober this time, but the giggling to each other and their hands touching in the bowl of popcorn and Eva’s legs in Kate’s lap like it was the simplest thing ever was making her feel drunk anyway. Kate could recite this movie by heart, so instead she was watching Eva, who somehow had never seen it in her seventeen years of life, see it for the first time, and it felt like something blossoming in her chest.
“Still doing that one? That’s hilarious. Come here, you,” said the TV, and Eva sighed a little, eyes locked on the screen.
“I definitely don't like men, but if someone grabbed my waist like that, I think I’d have to marry them,” she said.
Kate raised an eyebrow, resting a hand on Eva’s legs, still slung across her lap. “I’ll keep that in mind,” she said easily. “Might need to know that one day.”
Eva laughed, still looking at the screen. “If it was you doing that, I’d marry you even harder.”
“Hey, don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Eva laughed, but then the scene changed, and her attention was locked back onto the TV, and Kate’s stayed on Eva’s face. That buzzing in her chest was back, warm as Eva’s legs in her lap.
She wondered if Eva had ever thought about it. She knew she’d thought about it herself, but she still wasn’t totally sure if she was ever even serious about it.
It felt so possible, here, now. It felt like it would come naturally.
Kate shook her head a little and leaned back, looking back up at the screen. It was just a joke.
The third time, the joke felt a little forced.
Kate was in the locker room, furiously throwing her stuff into her bag with one hand, the other clutching her car keys. Cairo had backed off after Riley went to prison, but the new members of the cheer team this year—the ones who were older, who had known Chess at least from a distance—were even crueler than Cairo had ever been.
“Hey,” said a voice from the doorway, soft and gentle to Kate’s sharpness.
“I’m leaving,” Kate snapped, knowing the voice without even having to look. “Fuck all of this.”
“Fuck her,” Eva said easily, crossing the room and putting a hand on Kate’s wrist. “But don’t go yet, okay?”
“I’m not going back out there,” Kate said hotly. “Chess didn’t even know her name, she has no right to talk about her.”
“You’re right, she doesn’t.” Eva ducked her head, forcing Kate to meet her eyes. “But Annleigh’s yelling at her right now. If you stay, you’ll have the moral high ground.”
Kate paused. “She’s yelling at her?”
Eva shrugged. “Well. As close as Annleigh ever gets to yelling, you know. But yeah, basically. And the others are pretty pissed at her, too.”
Kate looked down at her car keys. “Really?”
“Yeah, of course. She shouldn’t say shit like that about Chess. Nobody should.” Kate felt Eva step closer. “Hey. Look at me.”
It took her a moment, but she did, and found Eva’s eyes searching and soft.
“What are you looking at?” she whispered, trying to sound joking and unsure if she was pulling it off.
“You always assume the worst of people,” Eva said softly. “It’s like… you can’t fathom the idea of people being on your side.”
“Well, they usually aren’t.”
“I always am,” and oh, the way she said it made Kate’s chest buzz and made her feel like that feeling was something she could believe in.
“You’re the only one,” she managed.
Eva shrugged. “It can be us two on our own. I don’t mind that.”
“Careful, Eva,” Kate said, trying to be light. “Keep talking like that and I might have to kiss you.”
Eva lifted her chin. “Oh, yeah? That a promise?”
“I’ll do it, you know.” Kate swallowed. “I really will.”
Eva laughed, stepping away, and they weren’t even touching before but Kate immediately felt her absence. “That’s some pretty big talk, you know. Some pretty serious things to say without backing them up.”
“And how do you know I won’t back them up?”
Eva shook her head, that soft smile still traced on her lips. “Come on, dumbass. Let’s go back out so you can see that people will take your side when you’re right.”
“Are you saying I’m usually wrong?” Kate shot back, but she put her car keys back in her bag and stuffed it back into the locker.
“Hey, your words, not mine.”
“You bitch-” Kate cut herself off as Eva opened the door, and it was hard to remember to keep her angry face on when Eva was laughing and there was still that hum in her heartbeat.
The fourth time was when Kate started to think that maybe it wasn’t a joke.
Cairo and Reese were in town for Thanksgiving break, and though the six of them weren’t really friends, it felt like they had to meet up for dinner at least once. So they picked a place to go, a sushi restaurant that was abandoned when they got there, and Kate slid into the booth next to Eva, avoiding Cairo’s eyes across the table.
The conversation was awkward, and stilted, and at first, mostly carried by Cairo and Eva trying to explain how to order to Annleigh and then Eva snatching the golf pencil from Annleigh’s hand with an “oh my God, just let me do it” that Annleigh loudly protested. Kate was content to watch, to let Eva and Cairo and Annleigh argue without her, and she thought about how Eva had told her once before that the two of them could be a team.
It certainly felt like they were a team once the ordering fiasco was sorted out and they were all waiting awkwardly for their food. They were all avoiding eye contact, and trying to find things to talk about, but Eva’s knee was pressed against Kate’s under the table, and Kate felt like the other four were alone here in a way that the two of them maybe weren’t.
“So… how’s the team going?” Reese finally asked, breaching the topic of cheer that had previously felt like it shouldn't be touched.
“They’re all assholes,” Kate said immediately.
Annleigh sighed. “They’re not all that bad, Kate. You could be nicer to them.”
“They could be nicer to her,” Eva said before Kate could say anything. Under the table, Eva put a hand on Kate’s thigh, light as air but comforting nonetheless. “She’s right, most of them are assholes.”
“I said they’re all assholes,” Kate corrected.
“Stop arguing with me, bitch, I’m taking your side,” Eva scolded, and Kate rolled her eyes, but there was no venom in it—at least, until she saw Cairo smirking into her drink.
“What?” she demanded, sharp as knives.
Cairo raised her eyebrow. “What what?”
“What’s that look?” Kate snapped. Eva’s hand on her thigh tightened a little, and she tried again, less snappy this time. “Why are you smiling like that?”
“Like what?”
Kate scowled at her, but Eva squeezed her leg again, and Kate took the hint to back off. Luckily, the waiter came by with the bowls of soup a few of them had ordered, and the conversation began to move on, but Kate still felt Cairo’s eyes on them.
The rest of their food came a little while after that, and Eva took her hand off of Kate’s thigh to pick up her chopsticks, and Kate was surprised to miss its absence as much as she did. Cairo’s eyes were still on her, though, so she acted like nothing was wrong—poorly, apparently.
“You two are acting weird,” Cairo said when the silence returned.
“Are not,” Kate shot back.
Annleigh blinked. “What are you talking about?”
Cairo gestured to them. “Uh, is it not obvious?”
“No, it’s really not,” Annleigh insisted.
Eva set her chopsticks down and put an arm around Kate’s shoulders, pulling her into her side. Kate made a face and pretended to squirm, but that buzz in her chest came back as Eva pressed a cheek to her hair.
“You’re just jealous, Cairo,” Eva said smoothly.
Cairo scoffed. “Jealous of what? Dealing with her?”
“Who wouldn’t be?” Eva squeezed Kate’s shoulder. “She’s, like, the greatest person ever.”
“You’re so weird,” Kate managed, and Mattie giggled on Eva’s other side.
“You adore me,” Eva told her, and Kate rolled her eyes again without denying it.
“God, just fucking kiss already,” Cairo said, making a gagging motion. “Put us all out of our misery.”
“You think I’m not trying to?” Eva asked. “These things take time, Cairo. I do everything right, you know, including making her fall in love with me.”
“Oh my God,” Kate murmured, half to herself.
Eva took her arm back, and the conversation moved on, and Kate made sure she was a part of it to hide how the buzzing never really went away—not with their knees still pressed together under the table.
The fifth time, she was almost sure it wasn’t a joke.
They were back at that same neighbor’s house for New Year’s. Kate had planned to spend it alone, like she had last year, watching bad TV and curled up in bed, with a cat if she was lucky, but apparently Eva had grown up coming to this neighbor’s house for New Year’s, and this year, she insisted on bringing Kate with her. Unlike the last time Kate had been here, there were adults around, and that teenage boy who had been so drunk but still nice last time was sitting in the corner, on his phone—“definitely texting his girlfriend,” Eva had told Kate in a stage whisper, prompting a “shut the fuck up” from him and a giggle from her that made Kate feel lightheaded.
Eva talked with her parents and his parents with an ease that showed how long they’d all known each other, and Kate was happy to sit next to her and enjoy the way she almost seemed to glow in the light of the fireplace. The neighbor’s mom was telling a story about how Eva and the kid had once kissed at midnight when they were six, after seeing their parents do it, and how they’d both pretended to throw up afterwards, and Eva scowled when Kate couldn’t stop laughing.
“Stop telling her this stuff,” Eva whined. “It’s so embarrassing.”
“No, tell me more,” Kate protested. “I wanna hear it all.”
“You’re not coming with me next year,” Eva told her, but Mrs. Sanchez laughed over her.
“No, she’s coming every year,” Eva’s mom told her. “She’ll be my guest if she’s not yours.”
Eva stuck out her tongue. “No, she’s mine, back off!”
Kate nudged her. “Well, if you won’t appreciate my presence-”
Eva held a hand to her chest in mock offense. “Excuse you, I appreciate your presence the most! I always appreciate your presence!”
“Then she’s gonna have to hear these stories, love,” said the neighbor’s mom, and Eva rolled her eyes.
“I give up,” she said, then turned to look at Kate. “You. Look me in the eyes and promise me you won’t think differently of me after tonight.”
Kate met her eyes with a teasing smile. “I will promise no such thing.”
Eva threw her hands into the air. “Look what you all have done! She’ll never take me seriously again!” But her mock rage was tampered by the way she smiled and pulled Kate into a hug as Kate fell against her, laughing uncontrollably, and then they were all laughing and Kate was still in Eva’s arms and her chest was buzzing.
Later, as midnight came closer and closer, Eva volunteered the two of them to grab more drinks from the garage. As much fun as she was having with these people who had been strangers before, Kate was happy to take the excuse to be alone for a moment—she was always happy to be alone with Eva.
“I like them,” Kate said as the garage door shut behind them. They could still faintly hear voices, but no specific words, and the garage was just quiet and just dark enough that it almost felt like it was just the two of them in the whole world. Kate liked that, too.
“I thought you would.” Eva led her past the boxes, weaving her way through the garage toward the corner and stepping over power tools and snow shovels with the ease of someone who clearly knew this garage as well as her own. “I knew they’d like you, too.”
“Did you?”
“You’re pretty likeable, you know.” Eva pulled the fridge door open, swearing a little under her breath. “Damn. They’re out of cherry Coke.”
“Good. It’s a sign from the universe.”
“Have you ever even tried it?”
“Don’t need to. It smells gross.”
Eva shook her head. “You need to try it before you decide if you like it.”
“Never.”
“Baby,” Eva shot back, and Kate knew she was teasing her but the buzzing grew intense for a moment anyway. “Here, take these,” Eva added, shoving a couple cans of Sprite and some La Croix at her. Eva began to pull out a few more cans to take back herself, and Kate turned to go back into the house, but only made it a few feet before she stumbled on an extension cord. A can of Sprite fell from her grasp, but Eva ducked past her to catch it, the other hand on Kate’s waist to balance herself.
“Shit,” Kate swore. “Sorry.”
“No, you’re fine,” Eva told her. She took her hand back, and Kate immediately missed it, a feeling she was used to by now. “Wait for me, though. Don’t be so anxious to get away from me.”
“Never,” Kate said, meaning it more than she maybe should.
Eva kicked the fridge door closed, her arms full of drinks, and slipped past Kate to lead the way again. She brushed against her as she did, and Kate only shivered because of the cold cans of soda hitting her arm.
“So, he was your first kiss, huh?” Kate asked teasingly.
Eva groaned. “I guess. Hate that, though. He’s more like my cousin.”
“You ever kissed anyone else on New Year’s?”
Eva turned and winked at Kate, pushing the door open with her shoulder and holding it for Kate to pass her. “Why, are you offering?”
“Maybe.” Kate walked past her, holding her chin up. “Then again, I don’t know if I want to take that title from him. Being the only person you’ve ever kissed on New Year’s, that’s quite an honor…”
“He doesn’t count,” Eva protested. “Not like you would, anyway.” Her voice softened there, in a way it hadn’t when they’d joked before, and Kate slipped into the kitchen, her heart beating as Eva followed.
“What does that mean?” Kate asked, setting the cans down on the counter. “That… I’d count differently?”
The kitchen was dimly lit, but still, Kate could’ve sworn Eva’s face was tinged a little red. “You know what I mean,” Eva murmured, and yeah, she knew. At least, she thought she did.
“Hey, are you girls coming?” a voice called from the next room. “Two minutes left!”
For a moment, they didn’t move, both of them locked into a sort of staring contest. Finally, Eva straightened up a little and held an arm towards the door. “C’mon,” she whispered. “Don’t wanna miss it.”
“You’re gonna have to pick who to kiss,” Kate said, trying to be funny. “Him or me.”
“Funny,” Eva said flatly. “With that attitude, you’re not making me want it to be you.”
“Oh, please. Obviously you want me.”
The snappy, Eva-like retort she was expecting never came, but it was too late to worry about it, because the neighbor’s mom put an arm around her, the other around Eva. They all gathered around as the countdown started, and the neighbor’s mom let go of them to go to her husband, and as midnight struck, the two of them just stared at each other.
Kate wondered what Eva was thinking. Hell, she wondered what she was thinking.
She wished she knew any of it.
The first time it happened, there was no joking about it.
It was a Monday night, but school had already been canceled that day and the next for snow, so neither of them felt guilty about staying up too late watching TV. The show on Eva’s laptop was Kate’s childhood favorite, and though Eva had teased her about it, she was watching with rapt attention, her gaze filled with the same wonder Kate had felt watching this at nine years old.
“Okay, I admit it, this is a really good show,” she said as the episode ended. “I’m so invested.”
“The season ends there,” Kate told her, hitting play next. She was sleepy from a day of snowball fights and laughter, but being next to Eva filled her chest with a buzz she was all too used to by now. “Imagine being nine and having to wait months to find out what happens next.”
“You are truly our bravest soldier,” Eva said solemnly, smiling when that pulled a laugh out of Kate.
They watched in silence for a few minutes, Kate assuming Eva was still as enraptured as she’d been before, but then Eva reached out and paused it, and Kate looked at her curiously.
“I meant that, you know,” Eva said softly, and it took Kate a second to realize what she was talking about. “I mean, I was being silly, but… I was thinking, I don’t know that you hear stuff like that often enough.”
“What?”
“You’re so brave,” Eva told her. “And I’m not trying to, like, bring up all the shit from last year or anything, but when that football guy was picking on you last week… I was ready to punch him for you, but you just told him to fuck off and marched off down the hall like he’d never said anything, and I was really, really proud of you.”
Kate felt herself blushing and looked down. “He was just being a dick. He didn’t need a snappy comeback or anything.”
“No, he didn’t.” Eva nudged her. “You would’ve had one, though. ‘Cause that’s my next point. You’re so smart. My mom is always telling me that I have a hard time making friends because I’m so much smarter than everyone around me, but you are way smarter than me.”
“I think you’re selling yourself short,” Kate whispered.
Eva shrugged. “We’re both smart. You’re easy to be friends with, so maybe that’s my mom being right.”
“You’re the first person to ever think I’m easy to be friends with,” Kate told her. “And… definitely the only person who doesn’t make me feel like I’m being difficult all the time.”
“I like when you’re a little difficult sometimes,” Eva said, her smile light and a little teasing. “You’re always fun to talk to, especially when you’re being contrarian. It’s… I mean, to be honest, it’s kind of hot.”
“Is this the part where you joke about kissing me?” Kate asked, leaning in closer.
Eva’s eyes flicked down to Kate’s lips, then back up to her eyes—slowly, like she wanted Kate to see where she was looking. “It doesn’t have to always be a joke, you know,” she whispered.
“Don’t get my hopes up,” was what Kate meant to say, but all that came out was a breathless gasp as Eva leaned in closer. Instead, all she said was Eva’s name, slow and soft, like a prayer.
“Kate,” Eva whispered in return, her eyes moving back down to Kate’s mouth. “I really mean it this time. Can I kiss you?”
For a moment, Kate let those words hang in the air. The thought that it was for real, that someone wanted her, that Eva wanted her… she let herself savor the moment before whispering “Please-”
And she did.
Every time after that, when they joked about it, they followed through.