Chapter Text
He didn't know if he was actually singing or just screaming so all the pressure would swallow away. His ears were burning with that sound, the crowd went wild at every little movement he did. When he got to the backstage, he was almost throwing up, his head looked like it was going to explode.
"Simon, you good, man?" Ayub asked, worried.
"Everything is fine" Simon answered.
Rosh enters the room, a bottle of champagne on her hands.
"FINAL SHOW OF THE TOUR, YES FUCKK!" she prepares herself to explode the cork out of the champagne.
The sound of the cork popping was the last thing he remembered. Then he opens his eyes, he was on his boyfriend's bedroom. Alex was sitting on the bed, probably waiting for his boyfriend – who passed out because of a headache – to wake up.
Everything happened so fast, he didn't even thought about his fans. Simon didn't even think about what happened at all. The only thing he knew at that moment, was that he was being hugged by Alex. The warmth of it made him forget about everything.
1 month after
"Are you sure you don't want me to go with you?" Alex said, hugging Simon for one last time before the trip.
"Yeah, I'm going to be fine. I am fine" Simon said, trying his best to don't cry.
He didn't like being the one that was fragile, that needed help. But his head wasn't helping him.
Even though Simon was an adult with his own life, he never stayed so long without his boyfriend. Always there were someone there, filling the space for a hug or just a "this guy sucks". That kinda... embarrassed him, he wanted to be what he was, a grown person who could deal with his own issues.
"Take care" was what Alex said before he disappears on the hallway. Simon couldn't take that anymore.
It's not like he didn't like his boyfriend, Alex was cool, wasn't addicted (god knows how much he was glad for that), any crimes, perfect boyfriend. Well, for an artist.
That commodity was suffocating him. Maybe that trip wasn't going to be that bad.
The car was waiting for him on the front of the building, a black SUV, the sun making it shine. Simon sat on the car seat, it looked like an expensive leather, he rested his head against the window.
All the trees outside on that unknown street weren't interesting enough, not for someone who will win an award in a few days. Even himself couldn't believe that awards were already yours. Best song of the year, Album of the year, Singer of the year... That made his stomach clench with anxiety. Everything just few days away.
Simon worked so damn hard that year, he and his band. He couldn't wait to be on that stage and say the words he has been planing. "I dedicate this to my mom and to my band, they helped me through all this..." he had a hole speech planned.
So he could look at that boy with all the glory on his hands and smile, like he was a puppy. Simon didn't have any food to offer to that poor puppy...
He was trying his best to not think about that boy, he got him on his nerves. He knew he would win. Because Simon will win.
"Sir, here's your destiny" the driver said, making Simon actually look at the window.
He could swear that airport kept on getting bigger every time he goes there.
It was a big hotel. Not that tall but wider than the building he lives in height.
The hall were big too, some famous singers and their bodyguards were standing there, all dressed up for a gala event. He looked down at his grey sweatpants and a black hoodie. Simon wasn't appropriate, but, screw it, he was tired.
He went straight to his room, 5th floor, room 86. His bags he was carrying were thrown somewhere in the room and he lay down on the also big bed.
The ceiling had some flowers painted on it, they were faded on tons of colors. Purple lilies made a heart on the middle of it.
There was a wall that were just glass, they made the room less claustrophobic. It was a beautiful decoration and placement of the things.
Simon looked at his front, what does that people had with the word big and its variation? That room was huge.
A small coffee table was in front of the glass wall, an almost transparent curtain behind it, dividing the rooms. On the other side were a kind of living room, a kitchen beside it.
Probably they wanted a modern aesthetic on the kitchen, and they got it, but the living room were completely different. It was like a dark aesthetic, even with the continuous glass wall.
He was looking on the fridge for some food when someone knocked on the door.
"Simon?", it was pronounced as 'Saimon'.
Simon knew who would do that, a blonde girl who were standing on the hallway with a mini jeans skirt and a blue tank top.
"Call me like that again, and I'll end you, Julia" he said as soon as he opened the door.
Julia entered the apartment-room, placing her bag on the bed.
"I thought they wouldn't do this that big for everyone..." She looked at the bags on the corner "Did you just arrived?"
"As you can see..." Simon sat on the bed.
"Oh my god, you don't know, so?" Julia turned back to him, a mischievous smile on her face.
"No?"
"Wilhelm arrived... Three hours ago? Well, anyways, he's hotter than on TV, you should've seen him!!!" She giggled as she spoke.
"Why would I see him when I want him to die?"
"I wouldn't want that hottie to die, for real, if you don't want him, I'll get him."
"I don't want him even if I'd be paid" He shuddered at the thought of being with that boy.
He couldn't even picture kissing that boy, maybe the hate was hiding it, but at any way, it would be gross. Simon knew he smoked, one less point, you never know what is happening with rock bands... Maybe drugs? No, he preferred his 'angel' boyfriend.
"And, you have a boyfriend, Julia."
"Oh, almost forget it, that's why I'm your friend!" Julia kissed his cheek "Well, I have to go... My boyfriend is waiting. We're going to a restaurant tonight, do you want to go too?"
"Why not?" Simon shrugged.
She got up, taking her purse and walking towards the door. Before she opened the door she turned back.
"You sure about Wilhelm?"
"I also date, Julia."
She stood there for a few seconds.
"Should I call him an asshole?" Simon nodded, "Ok, asshole..." Julia whispered to herself, "Enjoy the fucking hotel, Simon!!"
"I will" no, he won't.
The sound of the door closing also locked any sound outside.
He didn't meet Julia that long ago, it's been a few years since they were friends. They met on a party, some singers were there, and she looked so famous showing her wonderful blonde hair and her smile. That was the first time he felt afraid of the fame, he didn't know if he could handle it.
It turned out that he can handle it, and how he can handle it. Everyone loves him, he made some friends, have a boyfriend, is on a fucking gala... He was fine.
They became friends because of the mutual hate over Wilhelm, a rock singer, not a metal one, a bothering one. Always with a cigarette between his fingers and that fucking fake anxious look.
At least Simon wasn't the only one who thought that boy were killing himself with that shit. Even though Julia's boyfriend smoked and his hate for this kinda of things were because of his dad, they hated him.
Obviously Julia would do a joke or two about him, saying he was hot or something else, but Simon knew it was a joke. That boy wasn't that attractive...
He got up, getting ready to unpack his bags, but he gave up, only picking a tank top and a white jeans shorts.
As soon as he was dressed, Simon opened the door. He said he would enjoy the hotel, anyway.
The dinner were a shit, seeing two people in love when you kind of hate your boyfriend actually make people sick. Simon could swear that he had a fever.
He lay down on the bed, again. Staring at his mountain of bags, not now.
A ring comes from his phone, 'Alex' and cancel call, accept call under it. Not now. No, actually, right now.
"Hi, love, how you doing there?" That so damn happy voice said and that so damn happy smile smiled.
Terrible, I want to go back home, but I don't want you to be waiting me because my mind decide that I hate you after my last black out.
"Fine, and you?" He heard a muffled voice far "Who's there?"
"Yes, I'm fine" Alex smiled again.
"I asked who's there" Simon said again, trying to look through the phone.
"It's..." The muffled voice said something again "It's Liam! He and his girlfriend are here!"
"Can I see them?"
"Oh, love, they're leaving, I have to accompany them. Are you sure you're okay? Are you eating?" No, I'm not okay, you fucking idiot.
"Yes, I do am..." Simon grumbled "Say to Liam and Thayla I sent kisse..."
"Bye, love" black screen, he thought it was his mind, but it was just a cellphone.
Simon needed to sleep, unfortunately he had to do a little show on a festival. Yeah, it's weird, but who gives a fuck? Money, girls (boys), and glory, weren't those the best things on the world?
He was laying on the bed since his boyfriend hang up, it's been an hour already. All that lights on the city were annoying, a glass wall was cool until the night. It was a little comfortable, but tit felt like all eyes were on him. Every single person of that city were looking at him, and expecting the award on his hands, Simon was expecting that too.
The arm above his eyes was helping a bit, he just let his mind fly far, far away, to a calm place
"Didn't you think that you could run away from me, right?" the voice were deep, he could feel a warm touch on his arm.
"What the fuck are you doing?!"
"What 'the fuck' your mind wants" the warmth grown "What your mind really wants."
Day one
Right before he could feel that lips on his, Simon woke up. He could feel every inch of his body drown in shame as he sat down.
His gaze were fixated on a painting on the other side of the apartment-room. He didn't know who it was, but it wasn't his boyfriend. Any image of that person, that, judging by the voice, were a man, came to his head. All the flashbacks were of a hand touching his right arm, Simon could feel his hands on his collarbone. Oh, and those lips... He shakes his head.
Simon got up, waliking with quick steps towards the bathroom, he splashed water on his face. Wake up, wake up. The flashbacks didn't stop, he got undressed, entering in the shower, the cold water raining over him. Still not awake enough.
Okay, let's think about how damn hot your boyfriend is? Nah, stop it.
He was already dressed up again, now, thinking about the festival. Some of the nominees were schedule to perfom there today, including Simon.
It wasn't actually supposed to be like that, but since there was this festival near there and some famous singers like Zara Larsson were going there so...
As he was dragged by his band down the stairs, he could feel all that shame running down over his body. He had to peform, how could him? Simon knew he'd look at the crowd thinkin if that person was there, if it was destiny, forget about his boyfriend and all... wait, that's it, he dated, he was being a fucking liar to himself and Alex.
So immature of hgim, he was already 27 and was having erotic dreams or whatever the fuck was that. Simon have to focus, he had an award to win, that's all he came for.
"You already know wich song you'll be peforming?" Ayub said a smile on both his and Rosh's face "Julia will sing that one that was inspired of you... The Ambition? Something like that"
"Yeah... It's The Ambition. And, I don't know, maybe the famous ones? Micasa Su Casa? I'm Not A Boy? Girlfriend? Sabotage, etc." They were walking throught the, for the hundred time, big entrance door.
"So, the safe ones?"
"Yeah"
The three entered the car that were waiting for them, in silence. The silence remained until they got there, as it was already said, the festival were near the hotel. God, his mind will make that show a hell.
Simon's peform would be at three o'clock, it was two o'clock and that boy was peforming first. Their managers would let them see some shows before, but they didn't say he was peforming.
Wilhelm were singing a cover of Just Like Heaven by The Cure, Simon wanted to look something else or he'd throw up. The crowd were wild, everyone looked like fans, even though half of them didn't even know some of the singers there.
His hair – wich were longer than the usual – were in fornt of his face, almost saying that the only thing important there was the eletric guitar. The most impressive thing was that he was singing it for real, not just a monotone voice who is tired of this unknown crowd, no, he was singing as it was the breath he needed to breath.
Simon rolled his eyes at the thought, he sings like that too, right? With will, with emotion... He sings with emotion, Wilhelm wasn't the only one, he wasn't especial.
He fixated his gaze on two boys, a blonde happy one, his eyes were just like heart looking at the curly haired one, his skin were bath with the sunshine, Simon would said that there was a little bit of fear in his also heart eyes. But, at that moment, he felt like the girl behind thejm, leaning against the wall with a orange cat on her hands. Actually, he felt like the cat, always with someone holding him, not hugging, holding back.
The boys danced freely, the blonde one was siging the song with an excited voice, "Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick!" The curly haired one were just laughing. It felt like love.
Love, a thing that Simon never and would never feel, how can people sing without being living it? Or maybe, had live it? Easy, lie, hide everything and be seen asp happy.
Simon didn't hate that couple because they did something to him, he hated that couple because he knew he would never be them, dancing like they'd never have to stop. Because they feel something that he didn't.
It's hard to admit that you're jelousy of something when people think that you have everything and you are everything.
At some point he caught himself smiling at that scene, he didn't felt sad, he felt the hope for a brief second.
"Youuuuu, just like heaven!" The blonde guy sang, then, they looked at each other. No, they stared at each other, as if they were a fragile diamont that they would take care forever. Anyone there could say that they were going to kiss, but they weren't sure, maybe that's love.
He didn't stayed longer to see if they would actually do something, Ayub pulled him through the crowd, leading him to the stage.
"We're late Simon! What were you doing?" Aybu said as someone adjusted his IEM.
"Nothing, just... Distracted" He shaked his head.
"Get distracted with your show, man" Then Simon heard it, the crowd were wild for him too, Wilhelm would lose this imaginary game.
He entered the stage, feeling the glory running down his body, any shame. The entire show he looked over the crowd, would that person bge there? He felt it. Wilhelm was there, probably his own perfomace was over.
Simon looked at him, his gaze locked with the boy. He wanted him to know that he wasn't afraid, not even a bit. He was making it with a smile, because he knew, he was going to beat Wilhelm in every imaginary game, in every award. Because Simon was better, and he had to be better.
The peformce was good, at every move a hating look at him. It end up with Sabotage, he was almost crying, everyone was singing it out loud, his look flew around all the people. Simon was so emotionally that he didn't notice, a gril - who he regoniized as an indie artist his sister listened to - with a cherry colored hair were hugging Wilhelm. A boy were talking with them, his dark brown curled hair made them look like a neapolitan ice cream, he was pointing not that discretly to someone.
He waved bye at the crowd walking backwards. Simon's head kept going back to one thought, the boy didn't look at him with hate, he was admiring it all. The phone ring brushed his thoughts away. Alex. What a name to be shining on the cell phone screen.
"What do you want, Alex? I'm going to an after party" it was the first sentence.
"I just think... We should talk about something...." was the last sentence, followed by a "fuck you."
"After party, hum? Let's go to that party tonight?" Isaak, one of his dancers sat down on the bench Simon was sitting.
'Önskan?' Isaak nodded "Yes, let's live a bit before having the weight of that award on our back!" Simon said loud enough so everyone on that room could hear.
"Yeah, man, it's just like that!" He patted Simon's back.
All the feelings were spinning throught his head, the dream, the winner, the party. The feeling he was at that time were that he was going to throw up. This feeling was the last warning, or he was going to fuck something up, someone would fuck him up or everything will be a disaster.
---
He fucked up everything just by drinking more than he said he would, then, by thinking of how idiot his boyfriend were, then...
Simon walked towards Julia, she was stunning. Hair were perfect, make up shinning and the outift... If only he liked girls...
"Julia, I need to fuck someone" she doesn't seen to hear, then Simon pokes her shoulder.
"You look amazing, Simon" she turns to look at him "YOU ARE WEARING MAKE UP!" she points out, louder than before.
"Yes, I am. Now I need to kiss someone"
"What, babe?"
"Kiss, make out" he gestures two mouths kissing with his hands.
"Oh, silly you to think I don't know how to kiss" Julia says sarcastically, waiting for him to say it's a joke, until he doesn't "Wait, what do you mean? You have a boyfriend, kiss your cellphone, I don't know"
"No, I hate him. Do you remember that I said I have the feeling something is wrong? Maybe that's it, I need to leave him so I could see the situation from above" he says, looking around for a victim.
"This doesn't make sense, Simon. You're drunk, slow down and drink some wate..."
"Him" Simon points to a guy with sunglasses leaning against the wall on a corner.
"He is wearing sunglasses" she says.
"And...?"
"It's fucking night, Simon. He must have some problem, because..."
"I want him and I bet he is a good kisser" he interrupts her.
"If he isn't you'll have to kiss your phone while you facetime your boyfriend" she dares him.
"And what if he's?"
"Tell me every milisecond of it"
"Ok" he shakes her hand, firming the bet.
Simon walks towards the boy, dodging all the sweaty and excited people, ew.
The boys eyes go straight for the tank top he was wearing, a rhinestone mesh thank top, even under a dark place it shines. It was kind of obvious it would be an attractive thing among all that boring people on black clothes, trying to hide themselves.
"Hej!" he said, trying to be casual enough.
"Hi" his gaze went back to simon's eyes "What... What do you want?"
"You look so... Pretty " Simon take another look at the boy, his outfit were boring too, only a barely seen solitaire necklace.
"What do you want, Erikson?" the boy asked "Are you drunk?"
"No! I am not drunk! I just want to forget my boyfriend and you" he pointed at him "you're my victim"
"Shit, you're drunk"
"I AM NOT!"
Some people looked at them, their faces confused. Simon couldn't understando why everyone was reacting like that.
"Slow down! What do you want me to do?" The boy placed his hand on the curly-haired boy's shoulder.
"Kiss me" his smile were mischvieous. Simon was definely drunk.
"No" the boy made to walk away, but Simon grabbed his arm.
"Just one! He's an idiot I hate him, I swear! Anyone will know, if you're afraid of it. I don't know, maybe you're Tom Cruise, oh, Tom Cruise..." he smiled to himself with the thought.
"I'm not Tom Cruise, get out or you gonna regret it" The boy left him, disappearing into the crowd.
Simon tried to follow him but he was already somewhere else, he turned back, walking in the direction Julia were.
Almost halfway, the curly boy from earlier bumped into him. He sighed, he was probably running.
"Have you seen a blonde guy, short hair, 5 feet tall, with a necklace?" The curly boy said desperate.
"Hum... No, I saw a boy just like that but he his hair were longe..."
The red hair girl appered by his side, she didn't seen to notice Simon was there.
"Back door, probably smoking, alone" were the only words she said.
"Have I ever said I love you?"
"No, this would be gross"
"Anti-love" he mocked her before leaving.
"Fuck you, Will" she turned back, facing Simon "Oh my God, Simon Erikson, no? Oh my god! I love your songs!"
"Thanks? Érm... Who were...?" Simon pointed to where the curly boy went.
"Wilson, fuck, that boy can't fall in love without a little bit of drama. He's chasing an actor who happened to be here and at the festival like a ghost, I bet the actor is afraid of every shadow, right now" she rolled her eyes "Oh, sorry, Cher, I'm here because... Y'know, Best New Artist is not the best nomination you could get but at least is one"
"My sister love your songs! She is like, THE fan"
Cher smiled at him, not actually knowing what to say. The song filled up the "silence" betwern then until she breaks it.
"Well, I guess you're tired of questionnaires but, have you seen Wilhelm? I'm looking for him since the party started..." She looked around, her hair looked metallic, reflecting the light in a beautiful shade of red.
"No clue" he said, nonchalant, his thoughts slowed down with that conversation but he still wanted to forget his boyfriend.
Cher looked back at him, her face curious until she finaly realize.
"Holy shit, I'm sorry, I totally forgot it"
"Nah, it's fine" he looked around looking for the boy who left him.
"So, uhm, nice to met you? I don't even know what the hell I'm doing here, I need to search Will, if he gets kidnaped for an actor I will kill him, bye!" She hugged him, kissing his cheek.
"Bye" He smiled.
---
They were sitting on the bar stools, Julia's face showing disappointment as Simon told her every detail of what happened.
"God, what an asshol..."
"Stop, maybe he actually was Tom Cruise, people sometimes wants privacity" he said.
"Are you sober?" Julia asked
"Are you drunk?" Simon retorted
"As hell"
"Give me a drink" he said to the barman.
The party has been running for already three hours, and people were still dancing with all the fervor. This was making Simon sick, or maybe was the alchool running through his veins.
He notice some doors hidden by the crowd and the flashing lights, a boy with a red bandana pulled another boy into the room. God he thought.
"Where's the restroom?" he asked.
"Somewhere" Julia answered.
Simon rolled his eyes, getting up. Everything around him was spinning, everyone were a blur. He dodged people, looking for a door that resembled a restroom door.
A door with some paints on it caught his atention. He knocked on the door, but it seemed like someone was against the door. Fuck.
"Open it, or I throw up or i puch someone on the face"
Silence.
"Open the restroom door, I know you're against the door!" Simon said impatient.
Silence.
Then he forced the lock, pushing the door with his weight. It started moving slow, until the person gave up, standing up.
"It's not a fucking restroom!" Then the boy looked at Simon.
The room was dark, neither of them seeing anything.
"The boy who left me?! Now I'm going to punch you on the face" he walked towards the boy with his hand prepared for punch him.
The boy walked backwards, until he was against the wall. He stopped Simon's hand. They stayed there, staring at each other.
"If I kiss ya, you swear you won't punch me?" The boy asked.
"You will kiss me?" The other boy's eye shinned "Érm... I mean, maybe..."
The boy's hands left Simon's arm and he placed on his face.
"Are you drunk enough to don't see my face?"
"Well, I kinda can't see you at..." Simon tried to see the boy's face but he kissed him while he tried.
You know when you have a eletric guitar on your hands and you think you'll play the solo without any experience? And it goes worst than you thought the worse were? Well, it wasn't like that.
It was like every guitar string were burning, the sound of it like hell. But you want more and more because it doesn't matter if it's hurting your fingers, it's making the best sound ever.
Everytime they lips were apart it feels like you made a mistake, a wrong string, a wrong achord. Everytime they were together and their tongues intertwining, it felt like it was right, it was burning.
Simon kinda felt the strings on his lips, cutting it. The feeling so damn good.
The other boy were playing the guitar, he was fucking the guitar and that boy with his burning fingers.
---
Wilhelm always woke up after the person left, but now he was staring at the boy on that party's room bed. He slept just like an angel above the clouds, every inch of him just as soft and sweet as... No, he couldn't say that, they were competing for an award.
He couldn't help but feel a little proud of that, Simon wouldn't remember his face, they both were satisfied and everything would go back to normal.
All his clothes were around the room, he pick up all and started dressing up. His reflection on the small mirror were surprisingly happy, his cheeks were slightly red and his eyeliner were all blurry. Wilhelm smiled at it.
As he walked towards the door he looked behind him, the angel still asleep. He turned back stopping by his side, he leaned and kissed his neck.
A soft and sweet kiss, Wilhelm thought as he made his way out of that place.
Just like him.