Chapter Text
my professor once asked us in class whether we’d choose a world without pain even if it was only an illusion or the real world, where pain exists and so does the learning?
the whole class answered the most obvious answer, “I want to live in the real world and experience pain in order to grow, because that's what life is all about.” though i agree with them — that's the most sensible answer after all. we live to grow and in order to grow we must experience pain and failures
but i also want to be real and answer that i’d rather live in a world without pain even if it was only in my head because i choose not to believe that we must experience pain in order to learn and grow — we can be whole without breaking first
but i know too well that it's impossible in this world that we live in.
that’s why i choose to spend my days daydreaming — drifting into a world where someone like me is allowed to survive, where empathy is a practiced art instead of a punished softness, where kindness flows as naturally as breathing, and where understanding is offered first, before anger is given room to exist.
then there is heeseung
the only one who can pull me out of the world i created in my head.
because with him, i think the pain is all worth it.
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“hyung, no, im scared”
“jongseong-ah no one will throw you an egg on you if that’s what you're scared of— if they do, i’ll catch them all for you then we'll fry it later”
“that's not comforting, hyung.” jay whines
it's been almost an hour of heeseung trying to convince jay to participate in a singing contest at their university.
he knew how jay loves to sing, he knew that jay imagined himself singing in front of thousands of people most of the time.
but he also knows that jay is anxious about making mistakes that can turn his dream into a painful memory.
“if you're really anxious about this, how about i’ll sing with you?” heeseung asked jay who finally looked at him wide eyed.
he's finally considering it. heeseung thought, smiling
“i’ll think about it”
heeseung smiled at him fondly before hugging him.
that's what heeseung is to jay.
with heeseung, he’s stronger than his anxiety.
with heeseung, all the pain that could come is easy to bear.
“i love you so much jongseong-ah, im proud of you, always. let's make all your dreams come true hmm” heeseung said fondly
that's what jay is to heeseung.
he can bear the pain with him just so he won't lose him to the world he created in his head.
heeseung will do anything to make sure that jay knows that there's still someone in this world that will hold him close when the world gets too cruel.
he will do anything to make sure that jay knows that he can also be safe to be himself here in this world, with him.
“you know, i hate to live in this world but i love to be with you. i love you too hyung, thank you for making this world safe for me.”