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It was two in the morning, and Matsuda was staring out the window in Light's apartment. It helped him think, normally; the mismatch of distant colours and lights emanating from the pinprick dots of other skyscraper windows left open soothed him with the memory that he was small. Unimportant. He was a faint smudge in a tiny window that somebody else was glimpsing past as they tried to get to sleep.
Sleep wouldn’t come for him today. It left him entirely alone. Alone, and cold, and quiet. Hovering listlessly in the living room of an apartment he'd grown to spend more time at than it felt like he ever had his own.
"Matsuda? What are you doing still awake?"
He jumped and whipped his head around, and for a moment all he saw was Light, gliding in like a ghost, pale and ethereal where the cold moonlight drenched his skin. His tone was even, curious, but a hint of raspiness bit at its edges, like he had just rolled out of his bed to see what he was doing out there. Maybe he had. Even so, the distance between them felt dizzying: where Matsuda's hair stuck up at strange angles, Light's fell like it was still painstakingly styled; this lighting was making Matsuda's skin almost sickly pale but Light's was shining, face cut in half by shadow but drinking in the moon on the side where it hit; where Matsuda was shaking, Light was so still he could almost not be breathing.
He realised belatedly he should answer. He stuttered, "Oh, sorry, I- well, I guess, I couldn't get to sleep tonight. Too many thoughts." He chuckled breathily. Light stared at him for a moment, and he wished he knew what he was thinking behind the empty face. It was impossible to tell, though. His features were so effortlessly poised- lips barely parted, eyebrows neutral, eyes watching with the lids fluttered half shut- it could be a mask.
"I thought that might be it," he said, after a moment that stretched for days, "the day can't come soon enough, don't you think?"
He sounded so different when they were alone. His voice was lower, smooth, almost soft but with a steel lurking somehow that made him want to listen. Need to listen. Addictive and sweet like sugar. This was the early morning and late night voice that was for his ears, and his ears only, and he wanted to sink under its surface and let himself drown.
When he spoke with Near, his words were sharp and cold as gunmetal. But Matsuda knew him better than that. He'd been close to him for long enough to know which was the real Light, and which was the show he'd put on day after day. He could tell them apart. Better than anyone.
He rolled his words over in his head. "Yeah…" If Light said it, there must be some truth in it. "Yeah, I think I've got to be ready, y'know. It's just… aren't you worried? At all?"
All at once, Matsuda realised, Light's eyes settled on him for the first time, and his skin prickled where his gaze landed, where he scanned over him like he hadn't been seeing before. He couldn't breathe. All he could bring himself to do was stare back. He didn't mind.
"No. I'm not worried."
"Oh." he exhaled, and then realising how that sounded, he continued, "Well- that's good. You shouldn't be. I just thought- Near thinks you're Kira-"
"-Well, Near's wrong." His voice was cold again, sharp and withdrawn.
Matsuda felt his gaze lift off of him. No. His eyes widened, panic coursing over him like ice water. The feeling of his eyes, of Light really looking at him was addictive, perfect, even for only a fragment of a second, and he had to have it back a thousand times over, tomorrow and the day after that for as long as he let him. Losing him was the last thing he wanted. Matsuda couldn't make him think he didn't trust him.
He started, "I know! I know Near's wrong. I didn't mean it like that! I just mean- I know you're not Kira. That's obvious! And whatever Near shows us tomorrow, nothing will change that."
The corners of Light's mouth tilted up into a soft smile that made his breath catch for a moment. "Don't worry, Matsuda. I believe you." He closed his eyes. The voice was back again. "And tomorrow, everybody else will see how right you are as well. They'll finally understand us."
Warmth spread across his chest, crawling up to find his face and sting his cheeks. Us. They'll understand us. He couldn't find it in him to speak. He just nodded, enraptured.
Light turned his face away to the window, following the thin beams of moonlight up over the skyline to their source. At this angle, he was statuesque; beautiful. The moon hung quietly in the distance, impassive under his eye. Watching. Matsuda watched Light instead.
After a moment, Light turned his gaze, and Matsuda saw him shake slightly, as if he was trying to get rid of a thought. Then he slowly twisted around, graceful as a performer. He sighed and Matsuda realised, sickeningly, that he was leaving already. So soon? There was nothing else left for either of them to say but- he had to find the will to say something. A knot in his lungs begged him. Stop him from leaving me.
"Uh.. Light?" He asked. There was something he had been wondering this whole time.
Light paused. "What is it?"
"Well…" he didn't know how to phrase it. "It's…" It didn't matter anyway. "...What were you doing still awake?"
He didn't turn around. His hand pressed against one side of the doorframe, his back facing towards him. His unreadable voice.
"The same as you, Matsuda." He said, after a beat. "Thinking."