Chapter Text
I believe there are two facets to caring. Feeling like you care too little, or that you care too much.
I sometimes feel this numb sense of comfort when I just cry and cry and cry my eyes out. Because of the day, my body or my life in general. In the safety of the night, where no one can tell me if my reason for crying is somewhat "reasonable" or not. I feel like crying for something that happened months ago, and to be honest, I dont want to be judge, no, corrected, for crying about that thing. Whatever it was, having a bad grade, remembering something about a boy that I used to like, recalling a fight. Even tho the experience or moment may have "healed" in some way, when the sun dawns I feel like I am in that situation again. And sometimes I feel guilty, because I am like, you could be crying about someone dying, idk, recalling a funeral or whatever. But what I am always crying about, are the "what if"s, like there is another persona of mine in another dimension doing everything right, whilst I do everything wrong. And I hate myself for caring too much. Or just because I care.
On the other hand, after reading "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck" by Mark Manson (my favorite author and my favorite book) I wanted to learn how to priototize my fucks, what I care about more and what I should refraime from giving fucks about (you get the idea?). Mark establishes a quite peaceful way of seeing life as caring too much about some things but not giving a fuck about other stuff. It was about finding balance. However, when I read this book in 2023 I began to think, somehow, that not giving a fuck was "cool". That not caring about anything made me a more resilient and undistructable person, since I was so afraid of beign hurt by everything.
So I went from beign scared of beign hurt so I cared about everything and controlled everything surrounding me to not giving a fuck in general so if something did happen I wouldnt be hurt or cry. I could just say: I dont care to be honest. But after having that attitude with a lot of things, things I should definitly give a fuck about, or I gave a fuck but just didnt want to display this caring, I began to truly distant myself from stuff and people I loved and cared about because I began to truly "not give a fuck"
I am trying to change this mentallity, but it is hard, because inevitably not everything is under our control, and it is okey to be upset. And to cry, to feel lonley. And I digress with what a lot of people say, somethings we could just keep to ourselves. I am not saying people should restrinct themselves from saying things, like their sadness or anger. I do, however, feel like I wouldnt tell anyone about how I cry most nights because of shit that happened months or even years ago. And that is okey. Because those are moments that I have with myself, and no one can advise me or guide me. I just ley myself figure it out.
Bcecause, at the end of the day, we cant erase the shit we care about and we cannot pretend like we dont care. The best thing we can do is acknolodge it and cry about it and wake up the next day and feel like you are already a step away from healing the situation. Those moments with ourselves are necessary to everyone I believe. In those moments we decide what fucks we give or we dont and we let ourselves give those fucks without anyone else telling us if it is wrong or right.