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Shane didn’t realize his leg was bouncing until Ilya put a hand on his knee to steady him. Shane huffed a thanks and crossed his arms tighter across his chest. The fluorescents were starting to give him a headache but he wasn’t about to risk missing even a single second.
He’d been nervous plenty of times before. Waiting for the MLH draft results, his first home game as a rookie, heck, he remembered pacing backstage each time he was tapped to present at the end of season awards ceremony. But this was different.
His stomach had been in knots for weeks now. Each time he passed the calendar hanging in the kitchen, he saw the date looming. They had circled the 14th with a big red marker and written “DUE” in the little square. How mundane it seemed. One box to represent the day his life would change forever.
Except it didn’t.
The 14th came and went with no change. Every passing day felt like a rubber band being stretched tighter and tighter around Shane’s chest. Quiet settled through their house as they both tried to distract themselves. Shane took Anya out for runs. Ilya pretended to watch documentaries. Shane folded every piece of laundry he could find. Ilya washed the cars, again.
When the call came, they were both up and out of bed by the second ring. Even with Shane’s careful preparation, the next hour was a blur of phone calls, car packing, and excited giggling. They were halfway there before Shane realized they had been driving in silence.
He looked over at his husband, his eyes were locked on the road but Shane knew he was far away in his mind. Shane brushed his knuckles against Ilya’s cheek. Ilya turned to press a kiss to the inside of Shane’s wrist. Shane wondered if Ilya could feel his pulse pounding through his skin.
Shane couldn’t sit any longer. He stood and walked over to the windows at the other end of the waiting room. The sun was just beginning to peak over the trees. Strands of pink, purple, and orange flickered in the hazy light. Shane felt a pair of arms wrap around his middle. Ilya slotted his chin onto Shane’s shoulder. He let go of the breath he didn’t realize he was holding and released his lip from between his teeth.
“Are you as scared as I am?” Shane whispered. He felt Ilya nod.
“Terrified.”
“What if…”
“Don’t,” Ilya gently chided and squeezed his arms around Shane’s middle. “If Hayden Pike can do it, how hard can it be?”
Shane laughed and leaned back into Ilya, finally letting his shoulders drop. Together they watched the sun rise over Ottawa. How many years ago had they watched the sun appear over the lake at the cottage? How young they had been. The only certainties they had were each other. It had been enough.
Shane didn’t know how long they stood there before they heard soft footsteps approaching. Their room was softly lit. One bed, two armchairs. A whiteboard near the door, “Welcome Shane and Ilya Hollander-Rozanov”. The nurse, Olivia, led them in and gestured to the chairs.
“Make yourselves comfortable, it shouldn’t be too much longer.” She smiled at them. “The call button is on the bed and it goes right to the nurses station. The remote for the TV is in this basket.” Shane forced himself to focus on her tour of the room.
“You are a hockey fan.” Ilya pointed to the Metros lanyard hanging around her neck.
Oliva laughed and touched her neck. “For now- let’s hope they pull it together for the playoffs.”
Ilya shook his head, “Unlikely, is too bad you like terrible team.”
Shane rolled his eyes and smiled. “You’re the worst.” He said to Ilya and then looked at Olivia, who was shaking her head. “Thanks so much. We really appreciate it.” Shane’s phone buzzed.
Mom (Yuna): any update??
Me: Not yet- nurse says soon tho
Mom (Yuna): okay we’ll start heading over now. Will bring food.
Then they were alone again. Waiting. The air in the room was still. Ilya flicked through the channels on the TV. News, reality show, news, nature show, shopping channel, news, cartoon. Rinse, repeat.
A knock at the door. Shane practically leapt from the armchair and stood at attention. He reached for Ilya’s hand. A different nurse came through the door, in her arms was the tiniest baby Shane had ever seen in his life. Pink skin peeked out between the swaddle and a striped hat. Shane tore his eyes away for just a moment to glance at Ilya, who had tears rolling down his cheeks and dropping off his chin.
“Alright little one, meet your dads.” The new nurse said softly. She crossed the room and presented the bundle of blankets to Shane. “Here she is, eight pounds four ounces and 50 centimeters.” Shane’s hands hung at his side. He wanted to hold her but he was sure he would break her.
“Oh my god, she’s so small.” He breathed and squeezed Ilya’s hand even tighter.
The nurse smiled and gently pushed the baby into Shane’s chest and without thinking, he wrapped his arms around her. Shane let himself be guided into one of the armchairs. He couldn’t take his eyes off the baby, their baby. Dark hair peeked out from under her hat. Her fingers curled around the edge of the swaddle. Shane watched Ilya stroke those tiny fingers with his own. She squirmed and reached for Ilya’s finger, grasping it tightly in her fist.
“Oh zolotse, you are too strong!” Ilya choked out.
Finally, Shane began to cry. With trembling hands, he passed their daughter to Ilya. A ray of sunlight illuminated Ilya’s golden curls and fell across his lap. The baby screwed her face up against the brightness and began to cry.
“What a bunch of cry babies we are.” Shane muttered and wrapped an arm around Ilya’s shoulders. Ilya kissed him. Their tears smeared on each other's faces as they pressed chaste kisses to their lips, chins, whatever they could reach without turning their bodies.
“I love you. I love you. I love you.” Ilya chanted. He looked down at Irina and brought her, now red, forehead to his lips. “I love you. Ya tebya lyublyu. I love you.” She quieted as he rocked her slowly.
Memories whirled through Shane’s mind. The first time they met. That first summer at the cottage. Their faux-wedding. Their real wedding. A blur of emotions and colors. Loons and sports cars and bruises and fake names. Fear and love and hope.
Shane leaned into his husband’s shoulder and together they stared at their beautiful daughter.
Soon the world would start to bustle again. Yuna would burst through the door and scoop Irina into her arms. She would start counting fingers and toes. David would pull Ilya and Shane into bone crushing hugs. He would proudly point to his “Promoted to Grandpa” t-shirt and complain that Yuna had refused to wear the matching set. Their phones would start to buzz with the congratulatory texts. There would be paperwork and bills and dirty diapers. There would be long nights and miscommunications. Toys left on the carpet and cereal stuck to the underside of the cabinets.
That was debris. For now, Shane’s world was perfectly small. For now, it was only Shane, Ilya, and Irina, and it was perfect.