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The first month of school had never dragged by so slowly. In Felix’s whole twelve years of attending school, you would think it would get easier, that the familiarity of the routine would be as easy anything to slip into– like a worn jacket you’ve had for years, each seam and hole exactly as you remembered. But grade twelve, god, grade twelve was something different entirely. Like the worn jacket all of a sudden was put into the dryer at high heat and came out all different. Too small in some places, too big in others. Felix despised it.
Somehow, each day seemed to be longer than the last, each class gave more homework, each conversation slipped too easily into that strange territory where Felix was saying too much, and he was getting strange looks, and nothing seemed in his control anymore.
It didn’t help that Lily was acting as distant as ever. Usually, they told eachother everything, from unlikely conspiracy theories to hallway crushes, but lately Lily would say she was too tired to talk and bury her nose in a book. Felix had a feeling that she hadn’t been sleeping well, but whenever he tried to ask her about it, she insisted in was nothing.
So, Felix trudged through each class dreading the next. He doodled in the margins of his notebooks as the teachers insisted they pay close attention. He vaguely remembered due dates and turned in his half-hearted work when they came around. He worried about Lily, about his future, about his classmates, who would whisper about him when they thought he wasn’t looking.
It happened on a day like any other. Felix arrived early to History, hoping to start the day well, as he always did. Arriving early helped him pretend he was going to be productive during the rest of class. Though as he was getting out his notes, he could tell today he wouldn’t be. It came on slowly, that low, dark feeling in his stomach, like anticipation, when you trip on your shoelaces and you’re falling, but you haven’t hit the ground yet. It’s close, it’s right there, but you’re suspended in mid air, waiting for the pain. Often, the pain never really comes, but something in Felix’s brain is always convinced it will. Felix let’s out a deep breath, trying to get rid of the feeling, and it helps a bit, but it always lingers a little bit, under his skin. He checks his watch, five minutes to 9:00. Six hours and five minutes until he gets to go home.
“Hey.”
Felix looks up, to see Lily setting her books beside him, giving a slow wave. Felix smiles, and waves back enthusiastically.
“Morning! Did you sleep well?” Felix asks.
Lily gives a quick shrug.
“Fine. Normal.”
Felix, having known Lily for half of his life, can tell when she’s lying. Her voice pitches up a little bit at the end, and she can’t meet his eyes. But he doesn’t push it, having learned early into the school year that she didn’t appreciate his concern much.
“That’s good! Oh, I have to tell you, the new episode of — came out, it wasn’t as good as earlier in the season but I have a feeling they’re building up to the finale…”
They fell into their usual routine, Felix talking about anything that came to mind, and Lily nodding along while reading her book. It might seem to most that she was ignoring him, but this was just how Lily was. Felix knew she was always listening. Even if lately she didn’t have it in her to respond much.
He was about to quiet down, his watch showing 8:59, and Mr. Lindberg was setting up his usual boring powerpoint about The Great Depression, when someone burst through the door. The bell rang not a second after.
It was a boy, someone that Felix had never seen before, which was a rare occurrence in tiny Joby Town, where everyone knew everyone. He had dark brown hair, a bit overgrown like it hadn’t been cut it a while, and flopping over his eyes. He wore a denim jacket over a striped t-shirt, and corduroy pants that bunched around his black converse. He wore headphones around his neck, and he had deep eye bags. He seemed almost haunted, like there was something under the surface of his face. Something he was hiding.
Felix desperately wanted to know what it was.
He felt the mood change in the room, like every one of his classmates was on their toes, wondering who this mystery boy could be. He overheard the girls who sat behind him and Lily whispering about him. They thought he had good style. They thought he was pretty cute, in a rugged sort of way. Felix could see where they were coming from. In an normal sort of way.
Mr. Lindberg cleared his throat, and then very slowly got up from his seat. The boy stuffed his hands in his pockets and stared at the ground, and then quickly took them out again when he realized that Mr. Lindberg was trying to shake his hand.
“Ahem, you must be Ethan Smith?” Mr. Lindberg asked in his gruff, unamused voice.
Ethan nodded curtly, looking anywhere but Mr. Lindbergs face. His eyes scanned the students in the class, and Felix’s heart picked up a bit as he glanced over him. His vision lingered on a girl in the back of the class, Kyra, and something like recognition, or maybe fear crossed over his face, but then it disappeared as soon as it came.
“Well, you can take a seat then. Did you get the notes that I emailed to you?” Mr. Lindberg started back to his powerpoint.
“Uh, yes sir.” Ethan said. He seemed to be trying to make his voice deeper than it was, and Felix smiled a bit at the thought. He was probably terrified, the poor guy. Felix would be, if he was a new student, all the eyes looking at him. Ethan made his way to a seat at the front of the class, which Felix was a bit disappointed about, since he and Lily sat near the middle. It was silly, but Felix immediately felt that he wanted to get to know Ethan better. There was just something about him that was innately… attractive. In a normal sort of way.
He felt a nudge on his elbow, and tore his eyes away from Ethan to look at Lily. She had a strange look on her face, one eyebrow raised. Felix shrugged.
“Where do you think he’s from?” He whispered in her ear.
“I’d guess Ruby City. He seems like a city kid.” She whispered back.
“You think so? Oh! Do you think he skateboards? People who skateboard are so cool.” Felix said giddily.
Lily gave him another funny look, and turned back to her book. “Since when were you into skateboarding?”
“I don’t know, since now! Who isn’t into skateboarding?”
“Right.” Lily said slowly, and Felix wanted to explain himself more, but Mr. Lindberg had launched fully into his lecture, and he really should start paying attention. It was hard though, when Ethan was in his direct eyeline when he tried to look at the board. And wondering about Ethan was much more interesting. In a normal sort of way, of course.
The period passed by slow as ever, especially with something new to distract Felix, but eventually Mr. Lindberg’s powerpoint came to a close and the class began packing up their things to move to next period. For the first time in a while, Felix was feeling a bit better about the day, and he had Math next period, which was his favourite subject. He wondered what class Ethan had.
“You should talk to him.” Lily bumped his elbow, when she caught him staring at Ethan again.
Felix felt his face go hot, though he wasn’t really sure why. “No! I’ll fuck it up for sure.” He spoke with the certainty that low feeling in his stomach gave him.
“You can ask him if he skateboards.” Lily smirks a bit as they walk out of the classroom. Ethan had disappeared, which disappointed Felix a bit. He wanted to see which direction he was walking.
“Ugh, shut up.” Felix walked quicker towards the stairway, hoping to get this conversation over with sooner.
“Have fun with your numbers, nerd.” Lily waved as she went the opposite direction down the hallway, towards her Biology class.
“Says you!” Felix called back, though he smiled to himself. Lily seemed to be acting more herself today, and he was grateful for it. He arrived at his Math class in higher spirits, hoping maybe the rest of the day would turn out the same. In Math, he didn’t know anybody, and he was determined to keep it that way. Not that he didn’t want to make any new friends, Felix loved making friends (which is what this thing with Ethan was probably about, Felix thinks), but many of his classmates in Math had a sort of grudge against Felix. For well. Reasons.
He had just finished spreading his notes out in front of him and turning his attention towards the board, when Ethan walked into the classroom. The bell rang not a second after.
Felix felt his heart pick up in excitement. How did Ethan keep doing that? It was like he was magic.
Ethan introduced himself to the teacher again, in his quick and abrupt way of speaking. He turned his body to the room, looking through the rows of students again, and began walking towards the back of the room. But this time, he didn’t walk towards an empty desk. He made eye contact with Felix, and widened his eyes, tilted his head, as if to ask a question. Maybe, ‘can I sit with you?’
Felix’s stomach dropped, in a new way though. In a more hopeful way. In an, ‘oh my god’ sort of way.
Felix nodded quickly and waved Ethan over, who smiled softly and pulled out the chair at the empty desk next to him.
“Hi. I’m Ethan.”
“I know! I’m Felix!”
Ethan gave a wary look.
“Or, I know because we were in the same History class last period, and Mr. Lindberg introduced you I guess.” Felix grinned. He was so owning this. “How has your first day been?”
Ethan shrugged. “Alright.”
“That’s good! I think.” Felix paused for a second, trying to collect his thoughts. It was hard to think straight around Ethan, for some reason. “Is it much different from where you’re from?”
Ethan’s face quickly cycled through what seemed like fifty different emotions at once, until finally it hardened again into something like indifference.
“Why do you care?” Ethan doesn’t meet Felix’s eyes, turning straight ahead and staring at the front of the room.
“Oh, I don’t know.” Felix felt himself scrambling, trying to save the conversation. “I guess I just wanted to learn more about you! It’s not everyday we get a new kid here.”
Ethan only seemed to become more panicked by this, and began eying a different empty desk to their left.
God, how had Felix already messed this up? That uneasy feeling in his gut, that had seemed to go away with the excitement of a new student, was back and worse than ever. He felt his brain spitting up all the reasons, all his insecurities amplified in this little grueling voice in the back of his mind.
Why would someone like him want to be your friend?
You ruin everything.
You deserve this.
They’re right.
You’re not normal.
You’re a mistake.
“I’m sorry!” Felix blurts out, and Ethan looks at him from the corner of his eye. “I mean- I get that it’s probably awful. Having to move. So I get that you don’t want to talk about it. I guess- I’m sorry for bringing it up.”
Felix can feel his face getting red.
You just can’t keep your mouth shut can you?
It’s true. Felix can never seem to stop himself from talking, even when it’s clear nobody wants to listen.
To his surprise, Ethan turn back to Felix. He seems a bit relieved even.
“Hey, uh…. It’s okay.” He shifts uncomfortably, but then meets Felix’s eyes, and gives him the ghost of a smile. “It’s not your fault.”
Felix nods enthusiastically, and goes to say something again, but Ms. Khadra begins her lesson, and he realizes he should probably start paying attention. He motions to the board and Ethan seems to understand, he picks up his pencil as well.
The rest of the class is greuling, Felix can barely sit still, not with his thoughts spiraling, tossing and turning and rewinding the conversation with Ethan. It was strange, at one point it seemed like Ethan didn’t want anything to do with Felix, and at another the opposite seemed true. Maybe he was just scared, it being his first day at a new school and all. Felix tried to imagine how disorienting that would be, having to experience strangers and novelty again after so long living with the same people, visiting the same spots in town, every bit of it memorized. He wondered if Ethan had been as familiar with his home town as Felix was with his.