Work Text:
I opened my mouth, and almost said something. Almost. My whole life might have turned out differently if I had. But I didn't.
Instead I made you laugh, I watched your eyes crinkle and your shoulders shake. One last time before our forever ended. That was our goodbye. Though only one of us knew it at the time.
Those few steps onto the plane carried a weight equal to the universe, and I had to walk them alone. No words were spoken on the plane. The silence was deafening and your absence was pulling me apart piece by piece.
I know it was all my fault, but I never meant for it to be like this.
------------------
You have only hugged me twice in all of our time together. Both times you acted as if it was the rightest thing in the world but it caused you the most pain. I'm glad you did it when I landed again because I would not have liked for you to have seen the tears in my eyes.
I noticed that you weren't wearing your wedding ring. Tell me what caused you to do that John? Because my heart dropped to my knees and there is hope in my voice when I speak these words.
I want to be the reason, God do I want to. I want you to leave Mary behind in a fire of lies and betrayal, she doesn't deserve you, nor does she really love you. At least not anymore.
People change, the world changes, and we have no control over it. But you have been a constant in my life, and I in yours. I will never change my mind about you.
Please let me be the reason.
------------------
"It's complicated, Sherlock... You wouldn't understand."
"I want to understand, John! Help me to understand... Please..." I threw my hands in the air trying desperately to piece these broken words together for you, "I don't like seeing you in such misery. You hate your marriage, your job drives you insane, and your limp has come back. Just let me help you, please John."
"It's not that simple. There's the baby to think about..." I had never seen you so despondent before, your eyes were heavy with lack of sleep and your shoulders slumped with the weight of stress. You were a mere pebble compared to the fierce, stone faced soldier I once knew.
"It's not even yours!"
"What? Bloody hell Sherlock... How do you even know?" Your hand scraped across your face, temporarily smoothing out the lines in your skin. You looked so much younger in that moment, much more like my doctor.
"It's David's. That's why I made him stop talking to Mary after the wedding, because I wanted you to be happy. I didn't want him interfering." I walked towards you and tried desperately to get you to believe me.
"Sherlock... I can't just walk away!"
"Why the hell not, John! She shot me! It's not even your child, and it's not like there's much of a marriage left to save! Just come back to Baker Street, come back home..."
"I need time to think about it..." You wouldn't meet my eyes. I guess neither of us were good at things like this.
"John, please don't leave me..." I tried to grab your arm as you turned to walk out the door, but you just kept going.
"Goodbye Sherlock." Those words hit me like knives to a cutting board.
I wish there was alcohol strong enough to burn your name out of my throat.
------------------
What happened to us chasing criminals together?
Now I just lay in the flat, chasing the high I haven't achieved since you. You and your worn jumpers, unsweetened tea, and your half-finished books. You said that you loved the thrill of the chase during the long spun tales, but you could never find it in yourself to bring them to an end. You always used to talk about those miniature adventures with me, or at me I should say.
I have memorized every word you ever spoke about them. I bet you wouldn't believe me if I told you that. Nor would you believe that I went to the library and read every book on the solar system, every page they had about the stars and the vast expanses of planets and moons. Just for you, John. But the divinity of the universe will never exceed your effortless brilliance.
No combination of light and color could ever steal my attention from the way your eyes seem to ebb and flow like the tide. Your sandy hair and cotton candy pink cheeks will always capture my attention longer than the rings of Saturn, or the moons of Jupiter.
I haven't seen you in twelve days, and it's almost killed me.
------------------
It's a cruel trick isn't it, how we finally find ourselves and then we lose everything else. Like a train wreck, the sound of your breathing hits my ears. All the words you're speaking sound like goodbye, and John I don't think either of us can survive that.
"It'll be for the best Sherlock; you'll see soon enough." Your face contorted into something that mimicked hope, but your eyes told the truth. Neither of us wanted this.
"No." This was not happening. You were not going to leave me. Never again, we promised each other. Remember?
"It's only an hour’s drive away, don't make this harder than it has to be." Your eyes were closed now, but I was still drowning in them.
"Stay, please. Stay with me John." This was it; the end.
"You know I can't. I've got Mary and Amelia to look after now, we talked about this." And there were the knives again, scraping and scratching. I couldn't take it anymore, so I closed the short distance between us.
Then my lips were on yours as I shoved you against the wall. We were flying and falling at the same time, no telling when we would land. I knew this would probably be the only time I would ever get this, so I didn't hold back. And I found that it's much, much, easier to say everything through a kiss.
But then you were across the room shaking your head, trying to make yourself believe the lies you walked in here spewing. Saying over and over again, "It will be better when I'm gone, she said it would be. We can be a real family, no cases, no criminals, just a small domestic life. It will be better."
You didn't say goodbye.
------------------
People talk about how much they fear death, but they're always lying. No one fears the act of dying, they fear being forgotten. They fear that once they've taken their last breath the world will just continue spinning without them, and it does.
So why be afraid? I know I'm not.
------------------
I find it humorous that blood tastes metallic.
It's fitting though, at least in my case, that way I can taste what’s killing me. The needle tugs at my skin and gives me a sense of relief. I don't have to think about the way your lips felt on mine, or how much I loved drowning in your eyes.
You were the one thing that could have saved me, and you did. For a while.
------------------
Today I saw you for the last time.
It was after I shot up enough heroin to kill an army of men. You floated into the room, gentle and calm as you always are. You told me that everything was going to be okay, and maybe it would be. I wouldn't have to battle my demons every night. No more me. No more you. And no more us.
The light at the end of the hallway seems awfully inviting.
------------------
You paint everything gold. You're made of it.
John, the stars envy you.
But why are you here? In this room that seems too clean. Your eyes look heavy; your shoulders are too cramped for you to be anything but stressed. You should be at your house with your family. That's what I left for, so you could be at peace. I said I'd do anything for your happiness.
My thoughts paint the room a deep purple and I want to bury myself in the silence of it.
"John?" Your name comes out cracked and broken, still remembering the events of our last meeting. You once told me that nothing gold can stay. I believed you.
And then I'm falling. Your eyes crack open and you're smiling, except this time your smile says home. It's real and not practiced, it shows no signs of leaving.
"She's gone; the baby too."
And everything is golden again.
------------------
We were another almost, John
We met like the tide meets the shore, rushed and sudden. You never once left my thoughts, you became the only constant. So I wanted to become yours, I tried my best.
We danced to the beat of the drums and watched as the world spiraled out of control around us. But nothing mattered except us, in these moments together.
We almost had everything, there was almost an us, and it almost all worked.
Then it came crashing down.
I had to become the reason for your undoing, and John, it made me understand just how far I would go for your safety. That's the only redeeming quality of that fall.
But as I watch the sunlight filter through the windows and reflect off of your sandy hair, everything is okay again. Your sleep soaked eyes and lazy bones are draped across me in a beautiful halo. In this moment I have everything that I could have ever wanted.