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Shen Pingan didn't know how it started.
There was a stinging pain on his left hand and a numbing sensation spread across his limb but that wasn't the cause of his current predicament.
He looked at the vast expanse of darkness surrounding him and for the first time, an unsettling feeling crept inside his heart. Clearly, it was his own room, and as it had always been for the past decade, it was quiet and solemn. Yet, his heart felt far from home.
Did it start with the patient he nursed back to health 3 days ago?
That person was a old traveller. He was coughing up blood after over-exertion of physical strength when cutting down wood. When Shen Pingan asked with a smile, what could warrant the old man to compromise his health in exchange for, the old traveler replied with a beaming smile — "My wife gave birth to a child very late.." Then as if he was in a hurry he shook his head with a smile, "Young man, when you have a family of your own, you'd understand that for providing them with a little warmth, you will be willing to even move mountains. A few more logs of wood, it will keep them warm for a extra few days"
Family. He too once had a family. It's just that those memories were already too vague and hard to grasp.
Was his dad also a honest old man who would work until his limbs were numb just to provide his family a shelter? He really wished so. He hoped his father always had a honest smile on his face and none of the weariness brought by the twisted world of court politics.
Then there was the pregnant young woman from yesterday. He was collecting medical herbs when he heard a sharp scream of pain from a near hut. The woman inside was clutching the sheets of her bed, screaming in agony and any second later she would have miscarried.
When he nursed her back to health, she thanked him profusely. Though he was well versed about the affection between a mother and a child, he couldn't help but enquire, "Lady, what do you expect of your child?"
Maybe, it was not a question out of curiosity, but an answer he was seeking for throughout his travels.
Did his parents have any wish for him? Did they have any expectations of him? If so, has he ever fulfilled any of that?
The pregnant woman was dazed for a moment before she broke into a brilliant smile at which the sun itself cowered and replied, "Expectations? Young man, no matter which mother you ask this question to, there will always be one answer." Her pitch black eyes peered deep into his colourless ones.
She went silent for a moment before she asked a question in return, "Child, what is your name"
Shen Pingan was speechless before replying a bit dazed. "Shen Pingan"
The woman laughed bright before she curved his eyes at him, "Then, do you not already have an answer? Just like your name says, we mothers only wish for our child to grow up safe."
"You must be lucky", she added, "Your carry your parent's wish as your name."
Before he left her home he could still hear the last few words she said echoing in his ear, "She must have really loved you."
Loved me?
In the confines of his dark room, the words echoed once more, making his head throb a little. How was he considered lucky? He doesn't even remember how his parents looked anymore.
All he carried was the name they bestowed upon him — Shen Pingan — symbolising their only wish for him, which is so ordinary. So ordinary but he still cannot fulfill.
Suddenly, he disliked his condition a little. Would it not have been so much better if every single time he healed, he did not have to pay an equal price? He has long since reconciled with the debt he have to repay for being a divine healer, but today, he still couldn't help the tremble in his hands.
If his parents were here, what would they want him to choose?
What would they choose for him?
If only they were here.. the thought was like a weed taking root in his heart. It quickly grew wildly, leaving him a little hard to breathe. He never knew loneliness would be.. so hard to bear.
It shouldn't have been for someone who had lost his parents for two decades. But—
The sound of a pot simmering in a distance pulled him a little back to the current reality as he looked at the congee he was heating up. Suddenly, the dinner he was used to everyday felt a little bland that he lost appetite.
Absentminded, he walked to put off the fire and took the pot of congee in his hand, only for it to slip and scald his skin.
He hissed but didn't scream out aloud.
"Do you not already have an answer? Just like your name says, we mothers only wish for our child to grow up safe."
His lips trembled, the wound on his palm was only superficial but a sharp pain tore through his heart making him shudder from a sudden cold.
"I'm sorry mom", he mumbled. "I'm useless"
Once it started, he couldn't stop the stream of thoughts rushing in his mind.
I cannot take care of myself.
I did not grow up healthy.
I did not grow up safe.
Sorry mom, I let you down.
Sorry, Sorry, Sorry.
I didn't want to disappoint you.
But, I clearly tried to lift the pot carefully, I didn't know how it slipped.
I'm sorry that I'm useless.
I'm sorry that I let your intentions go to waste.
"I'm really too weak", he curled himself up to a ball on the bed, blinking his eyes to stop the tears from further staining his cheeks.
He hasn't cried in a while. The last time he cried was for a loss that he still carried deep within his heart.
Right then, the shuffling of footsteps outside the door made even his breath stop for a moment.
Shen Pingan bit his lips and closed his eyes, completely closing off all his thoughts. He felt it was even a bit funny, he cannot even offer himself a moment of vulnerability.
"Who?", he asked but didn't get up from his bed, knowing full well who exactly had come.
He was too lazy to put up his guard, too tired to cover up his scars. And even if he didn't, he believed the person outside would not care.
"We haven't met in two days and yet you speak and think of me so callously." There was no fluctuations in the man's voice, in fact, it even had a bit of teasing. "You wound me, A-Shen"
The man didn't care that Shen Pingan didn't invite him in, he casually strode inside and made himself comfortable.
But right as he stepped inside the dark room, his footsteps paused subtly and a trace of an incomprehensible emotion flashed across his face only for a moment before it was replaced by his casual smugness that cared for nothing.
Yet none of these changes were noted by the person curled on bed. Shen Pingan refused to indulge this man further and curled inside, ignoring him.
But he couldn't ignore further as the bed sank by his side and a familiar warmth drew closer to him.
It didn't wrap around him without his permission as it usually did but rather lingered at a distance just enough to make his heart itch. It tore open the wound that he carefully plastered a moment ago and the sharp pain returned all the same.
In this world, except him Shen Pingan, who can be more pathetic as to yearn for a warmth that never belonged to him?
To yearn for a family that he lost too early?
To search for an answer he would never be able to live upto?
He suddenly felt it was all too ridiculous, he bit his lips and spoke through gritted teeth, "I don't know what brought Sect leader Qi here but I am not in the mood to entertain you now." His mood obviously sour.
Qi Fengge hissed as if he was hurt, which Shen Pingan knew was an act, but the retort Shen Pingan was expecting didn't come. Instead the warmth retreated further. It retreated step by step, until he could no longer feel it by his side.
"In that case, I won't bother you."
For a moment, Shen Pingan was at a loss. He had never seen a Qi Fengge so obedient that he would leave at his word. But unlike other times that he really wanted the other person to leave, this time it only made the itch in his heart worsen.
He turned around, only for his fingers to hook at the ends of the fur cloak before it slipped away from his grasp.
Fleeting, just like the person who seemed to once confidently walk inside his curtain and make himself his own guest.
Hearing the sounds of the curtain closing again, the irritation only grew. What was with Qi Fengge today? Even his rebellious snake pet didn't say a word and left right away with him?
A stubbornness that's very characteristic of him took root in his heart as he covered his face with the quilt.
So be it.
If he wants to leave, then just leave.
It's not like he wants anyone to accompany him.
A soft chuckle sounded close to him and his eyes snapped open. Then the quilt that covered him was slowly pulled down. His eyesight was already poor and in the dark he should've hardly been able to tell what was going on, but, a warm palm engulfed his and bright colors rushed to fill his vision.
He turned his head to the side to come face to face with a man sitting by his bedside, chin supported by his palm with the elbow on the bed, eyes filled with interest looking at him with a sly smile.
"Talking bad about me behind my back, does this mean I occupy your thoughts? Xiao-Shen, you must know—" Shen Pingan pulled his hand back only for the grip to tighten and Qi Fengge leaned even closer, disregarding the state of the person on the bed he whispered, "..this Venerable one has always been very patient with you"
Qi Fengge's voice was devoid of any teasing that it always carried and without it, it was more authoritative that others would shudder at his orders but Shen Pingan didn't find it scary, instead, it felt novel. Like seeing a whole new side of a person he thought he was already familiar with.
Qi Fengge leaned closer, their foreheads almost touching, his voice still thick with question, "What grievances can you not voice out? Who allowed you to bring harm to yourself?"
Feeling a little guilty, Shen Pingan averted his gaze. "Sect leader Qi thinks too much"
But Qi Fengge was relentless as he laughed. "I think too much?", then in one swoop, he gathered Shen Pingan in his arms, their contact letting Shen Pingan see his current state further clear. Dishelved and nestled inside the arms of this audacious sect leader.
He tried to break free but it was futile and he eventually stopped trying.
Only then, Qi Fengge pressed at his meridians. There was nothing gentle in the touch, only an anger unrestrained but Shen Pingan could tell he was unlocking and healing the meridians he damaged earlier today. There was even a cool medicine he brought from who knows where that he started to apply on Shen Pingan's scalded skin from earlier.
"Where did you get that from..", Shen Pingan started.
There was no reply. From where he sat between the person's arms, when he looked up, he could see Qi Fengge's focussed look, eyelashes fluttering down as he slowly tended to his wounds. This scene has occurred way too many times with their roles reversed. He has healed this man so many times before but for the first time, it was the other way around which made Shen Pingan feel a little lost.
"Actually it's not that bad..", He tried to speak up again, only to be met with silence again.
"The internal injury isn't.." before Shen Pingan could continue, Qi Fengge stopped his actions and looked right into Shen Pingan eyes making the other panic for a second.
"A-Shen, if you really keep talking like this..", Qi Fengge leaned closer to whisper right next to his ear, "Then I might think you want to coax me." The words drawled at the end, making his ear tingle. He suddenly felt they were too close and sweat beads formed on his forehead, making him feel too hot for comfort.
He pulled away at once and pushed the other person farther, "Get out"
"Using me and then kicking me out", Qi Fengge laughed, full of nonsense, "Even the Royal King treats his bed warmers better and yet this honorable one who is only after your heart—" Shen Pingan reached out to close his mouth, and expressionlessly cut him off, "I'm hungry"
Qi Fengge went quiet. Silent.
The Venerable one was truly speechless for the first time.
And then blinked.
Right, he should go cook.
He wordlessly stood up from the bed and moved to sit atop the stool near the wood gathered to lit fire.
With their contact cut off, Shen Pingan's vision again plunged to darkness. But a small smile naturally played on his lips. He was even a little curious to see how the high and mighty Qi Fengge humbled himself to the corner of his room to cook for him.
Once the thought set in, he couldn't help but probe.
"Sect leader Qi?", he called out and didn't get any response.
"Lord Qi..", he tried again, for no answer.
"Qi Fengge!"
The man paused in his actions and the spark that turned to fire lit the side of his face in the dark. A smirk settling on his lips.
"Hm?", a rare occassion where he was indulgent instead of teasing him back.
"I want to see you.."
Qi Fengge lifted his eyebrows.
"..cook"
Before the last word could be uttered, Qi Fengge moved as fast as the breeze and Shen Pingan could feel the other's hot breath on his face.
He heard the person chuckle and lower his voice, "I have an idea that can let you watch."
Shen Pingan looked up, curious.
Before he could ask or say anything, hot lips suddenly fell on his. The next moment, his vision returned once more and he saw the sharp nosebridge and eyes filled with mirth closing in, he wanted to pull back but the other person deepened the kiss, pulling him into an embrace, kissing him until he felt his body grow pliant. He didn't want to respond but he felt his hand cling weakly to the other's cloak and he opened his mouth further to let the other do as he wish.
He didn't know how long it lasted until all his senses grew numb. It was only when his vision went black again did he flutter his eyes close, panting heavy at the loss of breath.
But the culprit Oh-ed as if he was genuinely taken back, "Kissing doesn't let you retain your vision longer?"
His ears that were red from the blush now grew red from anger.
Both of them knew it doesn't work like that!
This ruffian was intentionally taking advantage of him!
"Then I have no other ways, A-Shen", he sounded so genuine that any outsider would believe his bullshit but Shen Pingan was no outsider. But without waiting for Shen Pingan to say anything, he lifted the man into his embrace, all the protests in vain and settled him on his lap as he himself sat on the stool before the lit firewood.
"Let's cook"
Shen Pingan ignored him.
Out of sight, out of mind. He must have been truly insane to think that this person was anywhere near amusing. He was only frustrating.
But watching him put every other vegetable into a broth that looked so dark, Shen Pingan couldn't help but enquire, "What are you cooking?"
As if he was waiting for this very question to be asked, Qi Fengge answered bright, "This Venerable One's special feast"
Black lines formed on Shen Pingan's forehead. He truly dug this pit for himself.
"No, don't add those carrots."
Qi Fengge looked at him with question, "I'm the one cooking today. You just have to enjoy the sight"
Shen Pingan didn't bother with his antics and held his forehead, "Clean it! Clean the veggies first!!"
"Qi Fengge, are you trying to poison me?"
Laughter and banter echoed in the walls of the room, the lit firewood brought a warmth that engulfed the two. Shen Pingan didn't know when he started to feel so comfortable on the other's lap but suddenly, he felt a little less alone.
That maybe, there was also someone who would go an extra mile to make him feel warm.
There is also someone who is still by his side, who would only wish for him to be safe and happy. Though what he cooks might be poisonous, that's fine, Shen Pingan was the divine healer after all.
A little far from there, outside his door, there was a feeble noise.
So feeble that nobody could hear it.
But the shrunk snake roared with its full energy.
"Qi Fengge, you bastard, let me out!"
"You dare lock this Venerable one into this puny cage and let me guard your door?"
"Qi Fengge, once you let me out, you are dead!!"
"Qi Fengge, did you burn the house!!"
"Shen, do you not miss me!!!"
As if those words have somehow telepathically reached him, Shen Pingan paused his action of stirring the broth and looked at Qi Fengge questioningly, "Where is Xiao Long?"
Qi Fengge's expression didn't change, "Ignore him. I've assigned him a task" and as if it was truly no-matter, Qi Fengge leaned down to kiss Shen Pingan's lips leaving the snake, truly forgotten.