Work Text:
WEAK POINT
Jannik knocked on the door and, despite getting no answer, opened it anyway.
The interior of the room was almost completely dim, a few pale, timid rays of sunlight filtering through the half-closed shutter. Just enough for him to get around inside.
Locating the bed, he found him curled up on it, his knees pulled up to his chest, hunched against the headboard.
Jannik sighed, unsure of how to behave; he wasn't the most sensitive person when it came to consoling people, but the message from Alvaro, Carlos's brother, had filled him with concern.
He had texted Carlos to say he was sorry about the news about Ferrero and to ask how he was, but Alvaro had replied to that message on his brother's cell phone. A message that didn't leave much room for other interpretations.
'Hi, it's Alvaro, I'm on Carlos's cell phone. He left it to me saying he doesn't want to see or hear from anyone. Unfortunately he's in pieces; he took it very badly.’
Receiving that response had been a stab for Jannik. He could actually imagine how he felt; if Darren hadn't ultimately agreed to stay, he would have definitely been hurt, but still probably not comparable to how Carlos was experiencing it.
Mainly because, during the year, Carlos and Ferrero had never discussed it as a possibility, as he and Darren had done throughout the season just ended. Secondly, but no less importantly, their personalities were very different.
The news of the separation between Carlos and his faithful and important coach, Juan Carlos Ferrero, had been a bolt from the blue that no one had expected. Presumably Carlos first and foremost.
Jannik wasn't an impulsive person, but as soon as he read that message, he felt a punch in the stomach and was paralyzed, trying to figure out how to behave. He only knew that he absolutely had to do something, but what?
When the suspension had hit him at the beginning of the year, his relationship with Carlos wasn't what it was at that point; despite this, Jannik had still indirectly reprimanded him, as he had done with many others through interviews once he returned to play. No one had contacted him during those months of suspension, except a few.
Carlos had been among those who had never written to him and Jannik had been deeply hurt.
Not that he owed him anything. The truth was that they weren't friends to hear outside the courts for such delicate and personal things; however, not hearing from him at all, Jannik had clearly understood that he wished he had contacted him.
He had been incredibly hurt by his disappearance, so much so that when he was able to speak, he did so even though it wasn't his style.
Icy and sharp.
Carlos had responded immediately, declaring that they weren't close enough to talk outside the courts and that is why he hadn't contacted him.
Afterwards, he had been so hurt that things between them had been terribly tense, but thanks to that and an unusual argument, they had bonded even more than before.
Jannik still remembered the words they'd exchanged indelibly. Well, one had said them coldly, the other had shouted furiously.
"Why on earth would I come to you and ask how you were, if you've never really treated me like a friend in the first place?"
When Carlos had shouted this, unable to manage that cold war between them any longer, Jannik had frozen.
"And when would I not have truly treated you like a friend?"
"When last year you didn't tell me all the shit you were going through. I found out about it from the media; you didn't even mention it to me the thousand times we met!"
Jannik was shocked, but he responded with logic and sincerity, bewildered.
"I was feeling bad and it was a delicate situation. I didn't want to talk about it with anyone."
"Not even a friend?"
“Only my team and my family knew and then, thanks to the media, the rest of the world too. It's not like you ever said anything to me afterward, though. You always pretended nothing happened!”
“I just adapted to your ways!”
Jannik had brutally relived his entire terrible situation from his perspective.
“So you cared?” he asked incredulously.
“Of course I fucking cared!” Carlos had obviously shouted.
“Nice way to show it! Feigning indifference!”
“I never stopped greeting you or speaking to you, I never changed my attitude toward you. I accepted the fact that you didn't say anything to me and you treated me like everyone else. I adapted, Jany!”
He was furious, he was truly out of his mind and Jannik was completely taken aback and overwhelmed by his outburst. He would never have imagined that Carlos was capable of holding so much inside himself for so long.
“So now it's my fault? Am I in the wrong?” He wasn't sure, but at a certain point, Jannik had started to think so.
“No, you're not wrong, but neither am I! You can't expect me to treat you like a friend if you were the first one who didn't treat me like that! Let's clarify once and for all what we are, so we can avoid hurting each other, okay?”
Jannik was lost. He had gone from accusing him to doing what? Peace? Fix everything?
For a moment he didn't know what to say, he had to stop, breathe and calm down, realizing he was out of his mind, that he was shaking, but not from anger, but from... emotion?
Carlos had hit him like a truck.
“Wow...”, he only managed to say then stunned, his tone suddenly lowered after a moment.
“Wow what?”, Carlos asked.
“Wow, what a way to make peace and become friends.” Only after saying it did Jannik realize it seemed like a way to lighten the mood, but in Carlos's bright, happy eyes, he also understood that that moment had marked a kind of full stop.
Things between them had just changed.
"So that's what we are? Friends? Are you sure? Maybe it's better to define 'friends' because it could be that we have different concepts of friendship. For me, it's being there all the time, talking about everything, venting, flying for hours to go to the other person and comforting him if he's feeling bad. That's what friendship is for me. It's knowing before the rest of the world what shit is about to explode."
He'd caught him off guard again, as he usually does, but Jannik had reacted quickly recovering immediately.
"Well, I have to say that your concept of friendship is more like my concept of couple, but that's fine. I can adapt to yours."
Carlos had laughed, finally easing any tension and putting an end to their first and only argument.
His splendid laugh had lit up his breathtakingly beautiful face and only then, realizing that things were okay between them and even better than before, only while he was laughing in front of him, Jannik had the epiphany of his life with unprecedented power.
He had realized he was in love with Carlos.
'Friendship my ass!' he had said to himself. But he had also laughed, accepting his peace-giving embrace.
A warm and sweet embrace where Carlos had rested a head on his shoulder and remained there for a long time, stopping laughing and then whispering a tender: "Sorry. I'm sorry for what you've been through and I'm also sorry I wasn't there. I was always busting everyone's balls trying to find out how you were."
Knowing this had warmed him.
Maintaining control in that moment hadn't been easy, just as it hadn't been when Carlos had texted him in advance about the Ferrero news, maintaining his own concept of friendship consistently.
'Juanki's leaving me, he won't coach me anymore. Contract problems.'
He'd told him before anyone else. Shortly afterward, the news exploded like a bomb across the world and his message was lost among the thousands he'd received; between those and the calls, his phone was clogged and Carlos had undoubtedly gotten confused, ditching his cellphone to his brother.
Jannik hadn't hesitated; a few months earlier, he'd practically shouted at him how he should behave as a friend.
It was obvious he had to rush to him. But now that he was there, the problem was: what to do?
He cautiously approached the bed where he was curled up like a ball of misery. He scratched his head through his red curls, which were as always disheveled.
He'd asked Alvaro if he could come and he'd replied that Carlos would love to see him.
- Hey. - he greeted softly, moving like a ghost.
Carlos, surprised by his voice, jumped looking up at him. As he did, he immediately wiped his cheeks with a childish, tender gesture of his palm, then lowered his head again and rested his mouth on his knees against his chest.
- I’m sorry. - Jannik continued softly, feeling out of place saying something so silly and banal.
Silly but true. He didn't know what to say, but that was for sure.
He was incredibly sorry, he knew how much Ferrero meant to him. Besides, Carlos was the kind of person who exaggerated everything he felt and turned it into a drama.
- In the end I meant nothing to him. So many nice words and then he refused to accept the contract my father and Albert were offering him. If he'd truly cared about me, he would have accepted. But in the end it was the money that mattered, not me. And to think I considered myself a son to him. How stupid of me to feel that way. Really stupid...
His voice cracked, indicating he'd started crying again, but he wasn't surprised. For a moment he admired his ability to vent. If the roles had been reversed, he would have remained silent.
Jannik sat on the edge of the bed, torn apart by the sight of him in that state. It was clear he was truly in pain and seeing him cry made him feel like he'd never felt before.
There he realized he couldn't bear his tears, that they were his weakness.
Nothing original, no one could bear the tears of those they loved.
- Don’t say that, it's definitely more complicated than it seems...
But he couldn't understand it, because Darren would have had to interrupt his coaching with him for a project. His help wasn't long-term, but limited in time, yet he had grown so fond of him that he had decided to stay by his side for a little longer.
No, he couldn't really understand Ferrero.
Carlos shook his head and sobbed, trying to dry his tears again with that tender gesture of rubbing his palm over his eyes, but it was in vain because he clearly continued to cry profusely.
- It seems simple to me, though. If he cared about me, he would have stayed, but he cares more about the money he asked for. That's how it went. I was just a tennis player. Now he's there saying he's grieving and hurting over the separation as if I were the one who fired him! So why didn't he sign what they offered him? He left me, Jany. That's the whole truth. I didn't matter, he simply left me!
The pain exploded with Carlos's typical all-encompassing manner and Jannik, unable to resist any longer, closed the remaining distance, cupped the back of his neck with hand and placed lips on his forehead, kissing him.
The contact electrified him and he hoped it would help Carlos, too. He had acted completely on instinct.
They were friends; Carlos was the kind of person who loved touching and hugging others, but certainly not kissing them. That was a limit he had just crossed, even though he wasn't at all accustomed to that kind of contact.
A few, well-aimed hugs for deserving people, no kisses. Certainly not for a simple 'friend.'
- I’m sorry you're like this. - he whispered, without taking his mouth off his forehead.
Carlos's crying seemed decrease in intensity. He wasn't sobbing now. He remained still, breathing in fits and starts.
The heat began to expand and after he'd given his impulse, realized his mouth wouldn't stop and go back into place.
It continued down his face, reaching one of closed eyes wet with tears.
“I can't stand you crying.” he thought, without the courage to tell him.
He dried the now frozen tears with the lips, the hand sliding from the nape of his neck to the side of head, the thumb on his cheek.
- I’m sorry... - Jannik continued without even realizing it, now completely absorbed in what he was feeling and in his warm, moist face against his.
It was intoxicating and exciting and he knew only one thing.
If he stopped now, he would regret it for life.
He couldn't stop. He couldn't anymore. He had gone too far and even if continuing might have been worse, he wasn't even remotely capable of detaching himself from him.
He continued to go down his face and after tracing his cheek and continuing to dry his now-suspended tears, he reached the half-open mouth that seemed to be awaiting his arrival.
Before continuing, he stopped. There was a brief moment of lucidity in which Jannik opened his eyes to see how Carlos was, if he was aware of what he was doing and if he was okay with it. But when they found themselves gazing at each other in that suffocating proximity, breathing slowly, lost in each other's eyes, so close that he could see the colors of their irises despite the dim light of the room, it was the Spaniard who answered his question.
Carlos closed the remaining distance, a few centimeters, and brought their already parted lips together. They immediately intertwined and after the devastating heat hit them, a sigh rose from both of them. A sigh of relief mixed with pleasure.
They were finally doing the only appropriate and sensible thing they should have done in months.
They immediately met with tongues finding each other and merging, tilting their heads to the side to better fit their mouths. They pressed against each other.
Carlos's hands gripped his shoulders and Jannik again grabbed the back of his neck, holding him tightly.
They continued kissing, completely losing touch with time, letting the warmth of that kiss heal every open wound, past and present, in both of them.
A kiss that would have lasted forever, if it hadn't been for Jannik's need to clarify something extremely essential. He did so by separating his lips a few centimeters, still holding his neck with one hand, while the other rested on his cheek, sweetly possessive.
- For the record, this, for me, now, is being together. - Carlos looked at him, his eyes wide with wonder. - Are we agreed that we're together now, or do we need to define the concept of a couple as well? -
But at that point, Carlos, realizing what he was referring to, broke into a liberating and splendid smile that brought Jannik enormous relief.
His eyes still shone in the dim light, there were no longer tears and pain, but rather joy and abandon.
- Perfectly agree! - he replied happily, returning to the activity they'd just interrupted.
This time a kiss without the bitter aftertaste of tears. A kiss that officially marked a new beginning between them.