Work Text:
Atreus sat on the frosted ground only a few feet from his home’s front door. The cold was raking across his skin. He curled up further, watching each breath result in a cloudy fog and followed them with his eyes as they dispersed. His mind was whirling with thoughts he couldn’t comprehend, so many questions and so little answers.
I can shapeshift.
How?
Why?
What purpose will it serve me other than frightening my father?
If she was here, she probably would’ve had the answers that Kratos either didn’t know or kept from him. He rubbed his arms to fight the cold. He didn’t want to go inside; he’d spent the whole day in the house and needed this fresh air. He heard the door creak open and Kratos walked out, holding a folded blanket.
“Will you come inside, son?”
Atreus looked down at the floor, shrugging.
“Is your mind still loud? Perhaps my method of fresh air does not work as well on you. If you are feeling better, come in later. P-... Your dinner will be ready soon and I want to know you have eaten.”
“Yeah sure, I’ll come in later.”
Kratos walked over to him and draped the blanket over Atreus’ shoulders, kneeling as he tugged it around him snuggly.
“You know you can talk to me, about anything.”
“I know... But I don’t want to right now.”
“I will not force you... Just know I am here”
Atreus nodded and Kratos sat next to him for a while until he had to go make their dinner.
I wonder if I have limits on my shifting.
Can I shift into a wolf?
A cow- if I wanted too?
A dragon even?
Can I only transform into animals?
Could I shift into father?
Or Mimir?
Or Sindri?
Or a...
“ATREUS!?”
He whipped his head round to look at the door; the yell came from his father inside. Kratos opened the door and looked at him.
“Dinner is ready... Will you come eat with me?”
Atreus stood up, the blanket still wrapped tightly around him. He shuffled through the door, Kratos placed his hand on his back as he passed, watching him carefully to make sure he didn’t fall. He shut the door behind him and followed Atreus to the table, sitting across from him. Atreus placed his hands on the bowl before him, the stew warming his skin through the wood. His mother’s recipe and one of Atreus’ favourite meals. It always reminded him of her, even with his father’s edits. Each time there was something different about it. Whether it was the veg or the meat, it still kept the basic flavour of his mother’s stew’s. She’d taught Kratos most of her cooking, some she’d even let Atreus help make. He ate all of it, savouring every taste combined in the stew. Kratos was the opposite, taking his time with his meal, frequently glancing up to check on his son. Atreus finished the stew with the sauce stained around his mouth, making Kratos’ mouth twitch as he held in a chuckle. He offered over a piece of linen to his son and Atreus wiped his mouth clean. He then stood up to leave the table when Kratos stopped him.
“Wait.”
Atreus looked back at his father who was scrambling out of his seat. He offered out a small parcel wrapped in cloth to Atreus. He took it and carefully pulled the string from the gift, and the fabric fell out in his hand. He now held a small, fluffy loaf of berry bread.
“It... It’s mom’s berry loaf bread... But... Why?”
“What do you mean? I... I wanted to treat you.”
“But it’s not my birthday yet?”
“And? Does it need to be your birthday for me to give you gifts?”
“I guess not...”
“I know it is not often I do this... But I have been working on this for a few months... I wanted it to be as similar to the taste of when she made it... I know you miss her – I do too... And I also know she would not have wanted you to stay trapped in your own bubble at home grieving. She would want you to be happy.”
“I know... Thanks dad.”
He ripped a small chunk of the bread; the fluffy texture was soft in between his fingers. He ate the piece, a small smile forming as it tasted identical to how he remembered it.
“It’s perfect.”
It was the middle of the night when his idea returned. Atreus sat up in bed and paced lazily around his bed. It wasn’t... Wrong. Not like he’d be doing something illegal. Or harmful. It wouldn’t even be for fun...
Well...
But if Kratos caught him... He couldn’t even imagine his face. He couldn’t... He wasn’t going to. It was crazy, and stupid.
But the idea was compelling, like his mind was magnetised to it.
Not tonight at least.
If I do this, I won’t just go halfway.
He went to visit Sindri’s home with his father the next morning to visit Freya. They were helping her sharpen her weapons and discussing meaningless topics that bored Atreus to his bones. So, he excused himself to leave the room and speak with Sindri in the smithing area. Kratos remained with Freya for any discussions not fit for when Atreus was around. It took a few minutes for Freya to start searching.
“Where is it?”
She was muttering but Kratos was able to hear her clearly.
“What have you lost? Your mind?”
She glared at him, “Oh ha ha, Kratos! You’re just the most amusing man on this planet,” Her voice was rich with sarcasm.
“You seemed to have lost your sense of humour instead,” He grumbled.
“No, I’ve lost one of my old tunics. I was going to use its fabric. Chop it up and refashion it for more useful purposes. But I can’t find it. I could’ve sworn I had it earlier.”
“You will find it when you are not looking. That happened to me once. Searched all day for something and it made its way back to me once I sat down to calm for a moment.”
“What did you lose? Your axe?”
“Atreus.”
“Oh... Well, that’s different, he has legs and can return on his own will. My tunic can’t do that... Are you going to help?”
“I do not know what your tunic looks like.”
“Useless. The lot of you men are useless... It’s mostly dark red... With some worn out colour along the hems mainly.”
“I remember you showing it to me... I did not know you planned to reuse its fabric.”
“I don’t need to tell you every detail of my life... Are you going to help?”
“If it is old, why do you care so much where it has gone?”
“I... Because I had plans for it.”
“Surely you have more old tunics.”
Freya thought for a second and then stopped searching. She then pointed at the door.
“Leave. I do not wish for your company any longer.”
Kratos left her as she requested, heading towards the room in which his son was in.
Meanwhile
“Atreus! How are you? It’s been a while since you and your father came around here. Speaking of which, where is he?”
“He’s talking with Freya. I’m fine, just wanted to get away from that boring conversation. I honestly preferred it when she had her weapons constantly at him, at least then there was some action.”
“I understand” Sindri put down the metal he’d been working on.
“Actually, could you make me something?”
“Sure, Atreus. What is it you need?”
“Could you make some very small golden-or silver-hoops. But like smaller than a ring. With a small gap so-”
“Are you asking for earrings, Atreus?”
“I mean... Yeah, I am... But not for me, I want to see what a wolf would look like with them.”
“You think Speki and Svanna would like that?”
“I don’t know, I’ll have to convince them. Now, can you please make them?”
“Fine, I can. But they won’t be done until tomorrow. I have a few things I need to finish first.”
“Thanks, Sindri.”
Kratos walked into the room and towards where Sindri and Atreus stood.
“Kratos! How have you been?”
“Good. I have been well. You, Sindri?”
“Same as always, busy.”
Kratos chuckled. Atreus was a little glad Sindri didn’t bring up the favour. He’d have to find an excuse to return tomorrow.
It was a bit past mid-day when Atreus sat on his bed, plucking the strings of the Lyre he held. He wasn’t that good, average at best, but he was determined to learn it. He’d told Faye he wanted to learn the Lyre before her passing. And his dad had been told both before and after the fact. He remembered how his mother seemed so proud that he was trying new things and finding hobbies within himself. How she’d hugged him close and expressed how proud she was.
That she was sure he’d be great.
And that she’d love to hear him play one day.
He put the Lyre down, losing motivation with the memories. He instead grabbed the loaf of berry bread neatly tied up in his pocket. He ate another chunk of it, trying not to cry at the familiar taste. He missed her, terribly.
But... Maybe...
Maybe she wouldn’t be horrified at what he was going to do...
Maybe-
What’s he kidding?
He just hoped she wasn’t looking down at him when this happens.
“Got one!”
Atreus’ arrow had pierced the upper leg of a stag. It fell to the ground and Kratos patted his back, leaving his hand on his shoulder.
“Good shot, son”
They approached the deer with caution as it lay on the floor. Kratos held his axe tightly and pushed Atreus’ head to look the other way when he delivered the final blow. They made their way back, Kratos hauling the deer behind him by its antlers. He dragged the deer to their door, carrying it inside.
“Father, can I visit Sindri please? Just for a bit and then I will return.”
“I don’t see why not. Just be back home before sunset starts, we’re low on herbs and I’d like to know you’re safe at home before I go out.”
“Okay.”
Atreus headed over the Sindri’s home and collected the earrings. They were the perfect size. The thought returned to nag at him once more and he spotted a small thin needle on his way out of Sindri’s. He checked around for any sign they were watching and snuck it into his pocket.
After he returned, he was left home alone while Kratos went to find the specific herb they were low on. Atreus was sat near Mimir, daydreaming as the head droned on about what life would be like if he had a body. Atreus’ eyes drifted towards his father’s drawers. There was only one more thing he needed, one last thing that would tie everything together. But Mimir would definitely snitch. Atreus stood up and looked at Mimir, reaching out and grabbing the head.
“What in the nine realms are you doing lad?!”
He turned him to face the wall.
“You turn me round right now or I’ll grow a body and beat ya into a tenth one!”
Atreus ignored him, searching the drawers with haste. There had to be one somewhere.
“You hear me lad? I’ll call for your father so loud he’ll finally listen to an alarm for once!”
Where is it? Atreus couldn’t find it.
“I’ll get your dad to throw ya out into the snow! Tell ‘im to leave ya out there for tha night!”
Found it! Atreus grabbed the rope belt and shoved it in his bag. He closed the drawers and finally turned Mimir back around.
“You need to lean some manners you little shit!”
Kratos walked in and sensed the tension in the air.
“What is wrong?”
“Your son needs educating on how to be caring to severed heads like myself! Turned me to face the wall.”
“Atreus...”
“I was playing around with Mimir. I didn’t know his humour was that shallow.”
“Oh, you littl-” Mimir started.
“That is enough.”
“Fine. I won’t do it again.”
“Good!”
The owls outside hooted. Atreus couldn’t sleep. He’d been listening to his father’s snores for maybe an hour now, needing to be completely sure he was deeply asleep.
Now was the time.
He crept out his bed and towards the bag he had slumped next to it, holding all the items he needed. He was going to do this, properly. And not a half-arsed attempt. He paused and looked up to the sky. He muttered.
“Look away mom. Please.”
Kratos was enjoying his dream of slaughtering draugr after draugr, protecting his home and son. But it stopped and went black suddenly as he felt his mind awaken. Why? What had awoken him?
He opened an eye and shut it before ripping them both open and sitting up in shock as he stared at his son a few feet from him. Atreus froze. Was it even Atreus? It was his face but much longer hair, more feminine features. He or she wore Freya’s tunic, tied at the waist with one of his ropes. And Atreus didn’t have pierced ears, yet this person wore earrings. But was that... Dried blood where they met the skin? He stared, unaware what to do. Then Atreus shifted back, his hair shrinking back, his body subtly changing back to his own. Kratos stared at his son, now stood in what had been girl’s apparel moments ago. Atreus swallowed, holding back the tears that stung his eyes.
He felt so ashamed of himself.
And he’d been caught.
What would h-
Kratos stood up. He grabbed Mimir, fastened him to his waist quickly. And left the house. Not saying a word.
Just walking past Atreus without much of a glance.
He felt what was left of his heart crumble as he shrunk to the floor and began sobbing. This hurt more than any blade. More than any would.
He’d only sobbed this hard once before. Because of Faye.
He curled up on the floor and cried until he had nothing left, too dehydrated to form a tear. He forced himself off the ground and got changed quickly.
Maybe dad will think it was a dream. If I let him believe that...
Atreus grabbed his knife and tore the tunic with it. He shredded the fabric and threw it all onto the fire. He returned the belt and then pulled out the earrings, ignoring the sting of where he’d pierced his ears himself, blood on the metal of the earrings. He stared at them and balled his fist up around them. He threw them against the wall, watching as they flew across the room and scattered to God knows where. He packed a bag, grabbing only essentials. He didn’t bother to wrap up before leaving the house. He just started walking. He didn’t know where. But his mind was already too dark to thing, corrupted by harmful thoughts that didn’t care whether he got hypothermia and froze to death.
Maybe he’d be better off dead...
But then he’d have to face his mother...
And explain why he shifted into a girl.
He walked for what felt like an hour until he heard a yell in the distance behind him.
“ATREUS!?!?”
He sped up, continuing away from the source. He was already feeling dizzy, but his head felt heavy, his legs weak. He knew it was closer this time, but his ears ringing muffled it.
“ATREUS?!?!”
He couldn’t go much faster and collapsed when his ankle caught on a tree root. He shivered, his fingertips turning blue. He curled up under the tree, sat in a gap at its base. It took a while before the voice reached him.
“Atreus!”
Kratos ran over, kneeling so fast he scraped his knees on the uneven ground but didn’t even flinch. He grabbed Atreus’ hands and then pulled out a warm fluffy layer from his satchel, wrapping it around Atreus and zipping it tight. He wiped the blood on Atreus’ ear lobes with some cloth and then took out Atreus’ gloves, putting them on him, holding Atreus’ hands in his and blowing on them as he rubbed his fingers, desperate to help him warm out.
“What were you thinking, son? Why would you leave the house while not being prepared for the elements?”
He looked Atreus in the eyes.
“Life isn’t worth living anyway.”
“No, no, no. It is always worth living! You are so young, you can do so much... I... Have I failed you that much as a father?”
“Please son, I cannot lose you too. I have lost most things in my life. But you are the one thing I will not. I promised your mother I would keep you safe and even without that promise I could not bear if you joined her.”
“But you’re ashamed of me? Why are you acting like this when I... Did that?”
“Who said I was ashamed?”
“You. You left the house without a word!”
“I was in shock. Yes, I should have told you where I was going but I was not thinking. I am not ashamed of you, Atreus. I could never be.”
“But I... I shifted into a girl... I dressed as one... I’m a boy.”
“I do not care. I want you to be happy, and if being a girl, even for a bit, does that... Then I would not shame you for it.”
“But where did you go then? If you didn’t leave to hide your disgust?”
“I went to Sindri’s home to see Freya.”
“Why?”
“... I asked her if she could make a dress for you... A proper one, not some old tunic...”
“You... What?... Why?”
“Because I want you to be happy.”
Atreus had to hold back his tears. He lunged at his father, wrapping his arms tight around Kratos’ neck. Kratos returned the hug, squeezing Atreus tight. He muttered something he felt his boy needed to hear.
“She would have been so proud of you.”