Chapter Text
What is happening? Why am I struggling so hard right now? Is there something wrong with me? Am I getting sick? Am I just having an off day? No, I never have off days. I’m always the best.
When did she get this good? Wait. Has she surpassed me? NO! There’s no way. She’s completely talentless and I’m a prodigy. I’ve been winning tournaments since I stepped into the dojo. She’s never won anything. She’s never even beaten me. Not once. She can’t be better than me. But here she is blocking and countering everything I throw at her. It doesn’t make any sense. There’s no way she could’ve gotten this good this fast. But why am I over here sweating bullets and she looks cool as a cucumber? She’s barely even breaking a sweat. She’s not even breathing hard and I’m fighting for my life. How is this possible?
NO! She’s not better than me. I can still beat her; I just have to find my opening. That should be easy since I’ve beaten her half a hundred times already. I just have to wait until – There! An opening! I leapt at Orihara with the last of my strength, grabbed her arm and twist her body over my shoulder. I definitely have her now! But wait, she isn’t moving. Wait! How did she…? Oh! I don’t feel the ground anymore. Where am I going? I can’t tell which way is up or down right now. My body feels like it’s just floating through space towards an endless abyss. I can’t say I’ve ever felt this before. Huh! I never noticed how bright the lights are on the ceiling. Wait a minute, did Orihara throw me? Is this what my opponents feel when I do that to them? You just lose complete control of your body and lose all sense of self? You feel yourself flying and dreading the impending crash that comes from hitting the mat? I don’t even remember what that’s like. It's been so long since someone threw me that I’d forgotten how to brace for impact. I’m always the one throwing the opponents and here I am on the receiving end just waiting for it to happen. This sure is interesting. I wonder how much longer this is going to take before….
!!!!!
OWW!! What the hell was that? Is that what a tatami mat feels like when you get thrown? That’s much harder than I expected. I must’ve really been hurting my opponents when I throw them. Maybe that’s why they’re always so upset with me afterwards. Wait, this isn’t a tatami mat, this is carpet. And why is there a blanket on me? Huh? I’m in my bedroom. How the hell did I end up here? I was just in the dojo fighting Orihara. OH! Was I dreaming that same dream again? Goddammit! This is getting ridiculous. How many times am I gonna keep having this dream? I get it. I lost to Orihara. I lost to the girl that has no talent and has never won anything in her life. That’s fine. I always won everything. I just got tired of winning all the time. Yeah! That’s it. She can have her time to shine right now. I’m over it. At least, I will be….
I scrape myself off the ground and look at the clock. Ehh, just about time to get ready for school anyway. My back is little stiff but I’m a tough girl. I’ll be fine. Time to get dressed in the school uniform and head off on my way. I’m not even gonna think about the dream that I had last night. The dream about losing to Orihara. The same dream I keep having. Night after night after night….
Oh please. It’s not that big of deal. I retired from Judo. I didn’t run away or quit. I’m just done with it. Sure, it was fun and exciting and the most stimulating thing I’ve ever experienced in my entire life but there’s plenty more things to do in this world. I can climb Mount Everest! I can go on an African Safari! I can go to Antarctica and see the penguins! Hell, I could even go to Outer Space! All of those are way more exciting than stupid judo. Stupid judo with stupid Orihara….
The walk to school felt longer than usual. I just started in a high school not that long ago but still; I thought I was already used to it. I met up with Gamo, Yoshi and Sakura along the way and my mood immediately improved. I still felt off from my dream but being around my girls always helps push it further and further in the back of my mind. All they saw was my usual chipper and energetic self. I’ve been having these dreams and feelings for a while now and I’ve gotten really good at masking them from my friends. It’s no big deal. I’ll get over them eventually. I just want to have a fun high school girl’s life. No stress, no drama, no losing.... Just fun!
By the time we get to school, I had almost forgotten about the dream that I had…. Until Orihara ran up to me with her little “announcement”. She confronted me as I was about to swap out my shoes at the shoe locker.
“Oh my God Hayacchi, guess what??” Did she really want me to guess? “I just got accepted to join the Judo club! Isn’t that excitin’?!”
“O-oh c-congratulations, Orihara! T-that’s amazing!” I had to force myself to sound excited for her. I don’t know if she bought it or not. That’s absolutely perfect. Of course she came to rub it in my face. Not only has she torn my whole world down but now she has to brag about stealing the life I should have had. Oh well, what do I care?
“Thanks!” She exclaimed, “I’m so excited, I can’t wait to meet my new teammates and see what they’re made of.” She threw a couple jabs in the air in front of her. Then she turned back to me. “Are you gonna try to join too? I haven’t seen you in the dojo in so long. I miss having matches with you!”
Oh my God, I’ve already told her so many times, “No, like I told you before, I’m retired from judo. It was fun, but I’m just ready to move onto other things.”
“Oh, that’s a shame, you were always so good! It feels like a waste for someone with so much talent like you to just up and quit like that.” I grimaced hearing the word quit. I didn’t quit; I retired. Retired! But before I can say anything back, she caught be off guard with another question. “So, what other things are you going to do instead? I can’t imagine anything more excitin’ than judo! But you’re so amazin’ at everything, I’m sure you got lots of ideas on what you’re gonna do, huh?”
“Oh, W-well, Y-you know.” I paused a second to steady myself, “There’s so much I can do. We just started high school. No need to rush into anything right now! I’m just gonna take it easy for now and way my options.” I said that with a smile on my face. I don’t think Orihara caught on to how fake that was. Truth be told, I have no idea what I want to do. I had a plan to just have a fun high school girl’s life and relax. But I honestly have no idea what that even means.
“Oh, well, whatever it is that you decide to do, I’m sure you’ll be the best at it, as usual!” I’m sure I will be. “Anyways, I’m gonna head to class Hayacchi. I’ll see you later!” She waved goodbye as she turned and ran off to class.
She was completely out of earshot before I started to say anything back, “Yeah… See you later…”
Watching her run off really tore into my heart. She really was living her best life right now. And I’m not.
“Isn’t that excitin’?”
“I’m so excited”
“I can’t imagine anything more excitin’ than judo!”
Orihara’s words were echoing in my brain as I was heading off to my class. She’s still so excited about judo and I hate it. I shouldn’t hate it but I do. I should be happy for Orihara but seeing her stand where I once stood just pisses me off. She has this passionate fire burning inside her blazing her trail. My fire was snuffed out the moment she threw me to the mat.
I want to be happy for Orihara, I really do. But seeing her be so excited about her passions is just a constant reminder that I have lost all passion for everything. There’s nothing that excites me anymore. Nothing that I’m passionate for. And it’s frustrating to see. So damn frustrating.
After the dream I had last night and talking with Orihara, I’m now in such a foul mood heading into class. I still have the entire day to deal with. I’m so annoyed and frustrated and I feel it brewing inside me. I feel like a tea kettle that’s been on the fire for too long. Whenever I’d feel like this in the past, I could always just release it all during judo practice. But now that that’s all done, I don’t have any outlet. If I don’t release this soon, eventually I’m just going to explode. And nobody will want to see what that’s like. I just gotta get through the day. Maybe the girls will want to hang out after school and we can blow off some steam. That might help.
Until then, I’ll just have to deal with my classes. Let’s see if I can get through the day without blowing up on someone.
“I don’t really care, just somewhere where we can be alone and nobody will bother us.”
That was my response when Gamo asked where I wanted to go to hang out and maybe get some homework out of the way. It was after school and I had a lot on my mind. The dream from last night was still fresh in my head and the talk with Orihara certainly didn’t help. We could just leave school and go to a café or a family restaurant but I just don’t want to be around anyone else right now. What I want to do is sit and BS with Gamo, Yoshi and Sakura and just take my mind off of everything. I feel so much pent-up frustration building inside me and I don’t know how to get rid of it. I just want my fun high school girl’s life but so far there’s something that’s missing. There’s nothing that’s given me that excitement that I crave. The same excitement I got from Judo… The feeling of the Tatami mat beneath my feet… Throwing my opponents to the ground… Hearing the referee yell “IPPON” … Getting my hand raised in victory…
NO! No more Judo. I’m done with that. There are more exciting things in life than Judo, I just have to find them.
“How about the library?”, Sakura suggested “I’m sure there’s hardly anybody that stays after school to hang out there.”
“Won’t we get yelled at for being loud? That sounds like a drag.” Gamo asked, knowing full well that them being quiet was going to be impossible, when have they ever been able to control themselves?
“Nope, the librarian is never there so we can pretty much be as loud as we want.” Sakura answered sweetly and then flirtatiously added, “I’ve been there with real noisy boys and never been scolded.”
Gamo, Yoshi and I immediately caught on to what she was implying and Gamo played along with a huge grin, “And what were you doing that made these boys so noisy?”
Sakura giggled, “Oh, nothing at all…”
“Scandalous!” Yoshi burst out.
Oh Sakura, why are you like this? But that was an idea. Going somewhere we can let loose and just talk with nobody around is exactly what I need.
“Alright then, to the library!”. I pointed in a random direction and the girls stared at me confused. I just realized I have no idea where the library is. “Umm… Where’s the library?”
The girls laugh and nudge me in the right direction. We stop at the vending machines for snacks and drinks and head off to our temporary haven. I did have a small feeling of dread as we approached the library. I never could believe the things Sakura said 100% so I figured she would be wrong about the library being empty and we’d have to deal with sweaty nerds doing their homework and shushing us when we’re trying to have a good time. But true to her word, there wasn’t a soul in sight, not even the librarian. All that was left at the counter was an “AWAY” sign and the library was a ghost town. I guess it’s so early in the semester that nobody wants to stay late after school to study or do their homework. Perfect! We find a table near the window and set up shop, laying out all our snacks and notebooks. The plan was to get a bit a homework done and out of the way but we immediately start letting loose and dive right back into our girl talk.
“Didn’t the semester just start? How do you already have a makeout spot? And how many guys have you brought here already?”, I really was wondering. Sakura was always friendlier with the opposite sex than the rest of us but the idea of being with a guy like that, let alone that fast, really made me feel uneasy. Honestly, I don’t even know what she like about the boys she sees, they’re all so lame and boring. They only like her because of her gyaru appearance, they don’t even care about her interests or personality and as much as I hate to say it, Sakura really doesn’t seem to care. She just enjoys the attention. I can never be with a guy like that.
Oh well, I guess guys will remain an enigma to me.
“Teehee, oh Toro-chan, you’re free to use this spot whenever you want.” Sakura said with a smile. The thought almost made me gag.
Gamo laughed mockingly, “Yeah, Hayacchi bringin’ a guy anywhere, that’ll be the day. Yoshi here has been tryin’ to hook her up with guys since early junior high. Hayacchi always ends up wringin’ her neck once she realizes she’s bein’ set up.”
“I’m just trying to help!” Yoshi says, covering her face with her hands and making a fake crying sound.
“Oh my God, I don’t need your help!” I know she means well but it’s still really annoying, there’s nothing exciting about the guys she tries to set me up with. “And Gamo-chan, you have no place to talk, I’ve never seen YOU with a guy.”
“Pfft, all the guys here are pathetic. Find me a guy that can take me in a fight and I’ll be all over him.”
“Ohh, I know a guy you wouldn’t mind being all over.” Yoshi teased.
“Shut your face, Yoshi!” Gamo reached over to cover her mouth. That was kind of a quick reaction if it wasn’t true. Was there someone Gamo had eyes for? I can very vaguely see a hint of red in her cheeks. No, there’s no way she’s blushing. Is she?
Now I’m intrigued, Gamo has always been like me and never interested in boys at all. Now Yoshi is implying there might be someone she likes. I need to know, “Ooo, who is it?? Tell me, tell me, tell me.”
“Nobody! Yoshi was just messin’ around, right??” Gamo was staring daggers into Yoshi’s soul.
“J-joking!” Yoshi said in a panic. I knew she was full of it but I wasn’t gonna press. I’ll find out about it eventually.
Sakura broke the tension with her sweet voice, “Haha, do you know anyone that I can get all over? I wouldn’t mind using this spot again for… well you know. Hehe”
“Oh, is that why you brought us here, Sakachi?” Gamo asked, no longer embarrassed.
Sakura, always playful, “Tehe, guess you found me out, Gamo-chan.”
“Busted!” Yoshi exclaimed.
The four of us roared in laughter and there was nobody to quiet us or bring us down. This was exactly what I was looking for to get my mind off things and let loose. Just me and the girls talking about nothing in particular and having a fun time. Nobody around to ruin it, just us being on top of the world.
As the day went on, we talked about different stuff, Sakura’s part time job, tricks Yoshi was trying to teach her dog (to no avail), the Gamo family gym, the girls in our classes that were already dating upper classmen. I don’t think any one of us even picked up a pencil to do our homework. Oh well, I’ll do my homework later, I guess. I’m gonna go out on a limb and figure the other girls won’t be doing theirs at all.
The conversation was very stimulating and did help get my mind off of this morning and the dream from last night but… I don’t know…. There’s still this nagging frustration that I feel in my chest that is dying to get out. That dream left me feeling so weak and powerless.
In judo, I was better than everyone. I ruled over everybody the moment I stepped into the dojo. No matter the opponent, they always ended up looking up at me with their back to the mat. That made me feel really good. The work that I would put in paid off. Surely, working hard with my natural talent as a prodigy meant that I could never lose. Just ride out my life dominating my opponents and winning tournament after tournament, competing in national competitions, maybe even going to the Olympics and winning a gold medal. That was the goal at least. The only dream that I ever really had. At least until Orihara came into the picture and set fire to my entire world. The dream that I had of winning a gold medal in the Olympics is now clouded by the site of looking up at Orihara with my back to the mat. The tatami always felt good under my feet but it felt like nails under my back. I wonder if that’s how Orihara always felt when I would beat her time after time…
OH MY GOD, how many times do I need to go over this with myself? NO MORE JUDO. What’s the point of putting in that much work and effort just to fail in the end? Just to end up a loser? I’m done with all that. ENOUGH!
The frustration was festering inside me. I was having such a good time with the girls but the dwelling thoughts on the dream and Orihara just won’t go away. Luckily, I don’t think Gamo has noticed anything off with me, Yoshi and Sakura sure didn’t, they aren’t as observant as Gamo when it comes to me, she knows me so well, almost too much for my liking. As long as she remains in the dark about the conflicted feelings battling internally, I think I can manage it. I just really need to find a way to release everything building up inside me. I need to find something else in life that was as exciting and as stimulating as judo was.
As Gamo and Yoshi were playing rock, paper, scissors for the last bonbon and Sakura was texting her boss from her part time job, we all suddenly stopped at the sound of the library door slide open. We looked over in unison and saw a boy with glasses and bushy brown hair walk in.