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Egg leaned against the counter with the kind of confidence only someone who has never actually cooked before could have.
"I mean, let's be honest here," he said, waving a spatula around like it was a royal scepter. "I'm obviously the better cook between the two of us."
Wemmbu and Egg were in the kitchen of the End base, just chilling the. Wemmbu had gotten back from the overworld and was taking a break from faking his identity. Egg could see how drained he was from running all around the server with an invis pot on, and convinced Wemmbu to take a break for a little while.
Egg worried about Wemmbu sometimes, especially when he notices how hard Wemmbu pushes himself. Egg didn't know that what he said was going to start an all-out food war.
Wemmbu froze mid-step. "You? Better cook? You have to be joking. Egg, you literally set water on fire once."
Egg shrugged. "At least I didn't burn bread."
Wemmbu's eye twitched. "That was one time." He said through gritted teeth.
"Really? I think the fact that the toaster caught on fire too counts for two times you caught something on fire."
Wemmbu opened his mouth to argue, but the memory hit him like a flaming loaf to the face.
Egg smirked like he just played the winning card in a game only he understood.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wemmbu put the bread in the toaster with way too much confidence and felt WAY too proud of himself.
It hadn't even felt like two seconds before he smelled smoke.
When he turned around, he couldn't help but freeze in shock. The bread was on fire, which was basically a crisp now. Even the toaster was on fire.
"Oh shit. Shit, shit, shit." Wemmbu muttered under his breath.
He quickly picked up the toaster and chucked it into the sink. He turned on the sink, and smoke immediately rose up and through the kitchen.
Wemmbu tried to save the bread but failed miserably. The whole kitchen smelled like burnt toast. Then at possibly the worst point possible, Egg walked in.
"Hey Wemmbu, I saw smoke everywh-" Egg froze as he took in the whole scene. His face went from a little worry to horror in 1 second.
"No no no it's supposed to do that!" Wemmbu insisted as he tried to swat away the smoke. Wemmbu then coughed dramatically.
"Sure it is." Egg said flatly, with his arms crossed.
Egg opened his mouth to say something else, but the universe beat him to it.
And as if on cue, the toaster made a sound that sounded like a cross between a train and a dying goat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wemmbu snapped back to the present, cheeks burning with humiliation. And of course, Egg was still smirking like he won something.
"So," Egg said casually, "as I was saying... I'm obviously the better cook."
Wemmbu thought about Egg’s words and made a decision that was definitely going to end in chaos.
So, before he had any second thoughts, he squared his shoulders.
"Prove it."
Egg blinked, a tiny bit taken aback. "Prove it?"
"Cook-off," Wemmbu declared. "Right here. Right now."
Egg's grin widened. "You're on."
Just then, Minute walked in. He watched the crazy look in both Egg and Wemmbu's eyes and walked right back out. He would deal with the inevitable mess later.
Wemmbu and Egg were staring each other down like two warriors preparing for battle, except one was holding a spatula and rethinking all his life choices and the other had no plan at all and was wondering how long it would take before they burned down the entire kitchen.
Wemmbu jabbed a finger toward the counter. “Fine. But we need rules. Official rules.”
Egg nodded seriously, as if this were the most important thing in the world. “Agreed. Rule number one: no recipes.”
“Obviously,” Wemmbu said. “Only cowards use instructions.”
Egg pointed the spatula at him. “Rule number two: no help from Minute.”
Wemmbu scoffed. “I don’t need help. You’re the one who once asked Minute how to boil water.”
“That pot was defective,” Egg muttered under his breath.
“Sure it was.” Wemmbu shot back with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.
Egg cleared his throat. “Rule number three: no crying.”
Wemmbu raised an eyebrow. “You’re the one who cries when onions look at you funny.”
“That was ONE TIME.”
“Uh‑huh.” Wemmbu said with a smirk.
Egg crossed his arms. “Fine. Rule number four: winner gets bragging rights for a week.”
Wemmbu smirked. “Make it two weeks.”
Egg gasped dramatically. “Two weeks? That’s— that’s dangerous.”
“What’s wrong, Egg? Scared?”
Egg straightened up. “Absolutely not. Two weeks it is.”
They shook hands with the intensity of people who had no idea what they were doing.
From the hallway, Minute’s voice drifted faintly: “I’m not cleaning this up.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As soon as they broke their handshake, they bolted towards the kitchen like contestants on a chaotic game show nobody watches.
Wemmbu immediately grabbed a pan with way too much confidence, even though he had no idea what he was going to do with it. Egg snatched a mixing bowl like it was a bomb about to explode.
"Okay," Egg said, rolling up his sleeves with way too much energy. "Round one: we are going to make macaroni with tomato sauce."
"Woah woah woah, we never agreed on rounds." Wemmbu pointed out.
"Well, we do now." Egg said while rummaging through the cabinets looking for anything that resembled macaroni.
Wemmbu shrugged, then ran towards the fridge. He swung it open and started looking for who knows what with the intensity of a child opening presents on Christmas morning.
They both grab a bunch of ingredients at the exact same time - which would have been fine, except they grabbed the same box of macaroni.
Their hands collided with a loud smack.
“Hey!” Egg snapped, tugging on the box.
“Let go!” Wemmbu tugged back.
“It’s mine!”
“You don’t even know how to boil water!”
“That pot was DEFECTIVE!”
"YEAH RIGHT!"
"YOU BURNED THE BREAD AND THE TOASTER!!"
Just then, the box tore in half.
Macaroni rained down like confetti at the world’s saddest parade.
They stared at the mess for what felt like an hour.
Wemmbu cleared his throat. “Okay. New rule. Whoever uses the least amount of floor‑macaroni wins bonus points.”
Egg thought about it for a moment, then nodded solemnly. “Agreed.”
Then they both immediately dove for the remaining intact noodles like gremlins fighting over treasure.
Wemmbu scrambled to the stove and filled a pot with water. Egg watched him with narrowed eyes.
“You’re filling it too much,” Egg said.
“No, I’m not.”
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I’m not.”
The pot sloshed water onto the stove.
Egg smirked. “Told you.”
Wemmbu glared at him and slammed the pot onto the burner with the confidence of someone who had never once considered consequences.
Egg, meanwhile, dumped his macaroni into a bowl and started stirring it dry.
Wemmbu blinked. “Egg… what are you doing.”
“Pre‑mixing.”
“That’s not how macaroni works.”
Egg shrugged. “It will be when I’m done.”
Wemmbu opened his mouth to argue, but the water behind him began to boil. Violently. Aggressively. Like it had a personal vendetta.
He spun around just in time to see the pot bubbling over like a volcano.
“Oh shit shit shit—” Wemmbu grabbed the handle, but the boiling water hissed and splashed onto the burner, sending up a cloud of steam.
Egg coughed dramatically. “Wow. Impressive. You managed to burn water again.”
“It’s not burning!” Wemmbu snapped. “It’s… steaming aggressively. Also, YOU were the one that burned the water!”
The burner made a noise that did not sound healthy.
Egg took a step back. “Wemmbu… why is it making that sound.”
“I don’t know!”
The pot rattled.
Egg pointed. “Wemmbu.”
The pot rattled harder.
“Wemmbu.”
The pot jumped.
“WEMMBU.”
Wemmbu panicked and grabbed the pot with both hands. “I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT—”
He did not, in fact, have it.
The pot slipped, clanged against the stove, and a splash of boiling water hit the burner, which immediately sparked.
A tiny flame flickered to life.
Egg screamed. “THE WATER IS ON FIRE AGAIN—”
“It’s NOT—” Wemmbu grabbed a towel and smacked the flame, which only made it flare up like it was offended.
Egg grabbed the mixing bowl and threw his dry macaroni at the fire.
It did nothing.
Except bounce off the stove and scatter across the floor.
They both stared at the tiny flame, which crackled like it was enjoying the show.
Wemmbu whispered, “Don’t you dare.”
The flame grew. And grew.
Egg shrieked, “IT DARED—”
Wemmbu grabbed the pot lid and slammed it down over the burner. The flame sputtered, hissed, and finally died with a depressing little puff of smoke.
Utter silence.
Egg slowly lowered his mixing bowl. “So… round one is going great.
Wemmbu wiped steam off his face. “Shut up.”
Minute heard a bunch of screaming and decided to see what Wemmbu and Egg did to his kitchen. He walked in, saw them staring at what looked like burnt macaroni, and sighed like a disappointed father. Then he walked right back out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They continued making a monstrosity that they called macaroni, until somehow the round ended with the kitchen still mostly intact.
"Alright Minute, tell us who made the better macaroni even though it's obvious who won." Wemmbu said with a way overconfident smirk.
"Yeah Minute, you'll know who REALLY won after you try my masterpiece." Egg shot back, with a menacing smile.
Minute tried Wemmbu's macaroni first and gagged like he ate poison.
"Um, it's very... uh- it sure is something." Minute said while fighting back tears of pure disgust.
Egg was already smirking like he won. But oh boy was he wrong.
As soon as Minute tried Egg's, he immediately ran to the trashcan and spit it out.
"What the HELL did you do to that poor food?" Minute practically yelled while chugging milk, trying to get the taste out of his mouth.
"Well, uh..." Egg started.
"So who won?" Wemmbu jumped in.
Minute stared at the both of them, then at their dishes, then at the kitchen.
"The kitchen. For surviving you two." Minute stated, then walked right out of the kitchen.
"So... round two?" Egg suggested.
Wemmbu thought about it for a moment, then gave a devilish grin.
"You're on."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Egg tapped the counter like a game show host who had no business hosting anything. “Okay, what do you want to make this round?”
Wemmbu crossed his arms, pretending he hadn’t just nearly burned down the kitchen ten minutes ago. “Something harder. Something that takes actual skill.”
Egg perked up. “Like what?”
Wemmbu thought for a moment, then snapped his fingers. "Cake."
Egg blinked. "Cake? Like a cake?"
“Yeah. Easy enough to not kill us, hard enough to expose your incompetence.”
Egg gasped. “My incompetence? I’ll have you know I am a cake master.”
"Really."
"Um, YES really."
"You once baked a cake that was harder than a literal rock."
Egg pointed dramatically. "The stove betrayed me."
Wemmbu rolled his eyes. “Sure it did.”
Egg slammed his hands on the counter. “Fine. Cake. Round Two.”
Wemmbu nodded. "Cake."
They stared at each other with the intensity of two people who had absolutely no idea how to make pancakes without causing structural damage.
Then, at the exact same moment:
“GO!”
They sprinted in opposite directions.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wemmbu grabbed what he thought was sugar but was actually salt and threw it into a bowl. Egg grabbed around 5 eggs and threw the entirety of it into a different bowl, shell and all.
They were throwing different things into bowls like maniacs. They were acting feral and didn't actually know what the hell they were making.
Wemmbu ended up with something that looked in-between cement and mud. Egg ended up with an eggshell filled monstrosity. They both put their creations into the stove while glaring daggers at each other.
"OH SHIT I FORGOT THE FLOUR." Wemmbu suddenly shouted for no particular reason. That made Egg realize he forgot it too, and they both reached for the flour.
Their hands collided.
“HEY—”
“LET GO—”
“YOU LET GO—”
The flour bag slipped from both their hands, flipped in the air like a gymnast, and—
BOOM.
A white cloud exploded across the kitchen.
Flour rained down on them like a blizzard sent by a very confused weather god.
Egg sputtered. “I can’t see— I think it’s in my eyes—”
Wemmbu coughed. “I think I inhaled half the bag—”
They stumbled blindly through the cloud.
Egg bumped into the counter. “Ow.”
Wemmbu bumped into Egg. “MOVE—”
Egg bumped back. “YOU move—”
Wemmbu grabbed a handful of flour from the counter and threw it at Egg.
It hit Egg square in the face.
Egg froze.
Slowly wiped flour off his cheek.
“Oh. It’s like that.”
Wemmbu smirked. “It’s exactly like that.”
Egg grabbed a fistful of flour.
Wemmbu’s eyes widened. “Egg. Don’t.”
Then absolute chaos broke out.
Egg grinned. “Egg. Will.”
He threw it.
Wemmbu shrieked as the flour hit him like a snowball.
And that was it.
The last shred of sanity left the kitchen.
They launched into a full‑scale flour war — handfuls flying, bowls tipping, clouds forming thick enough to hide in. The kitchen looked like a bakery had exploded. The air was so white it was practically fog.
Minute poked his head in, saw two flour‑covered idiots pelting each other like deranged snowmen, and immediately backed out again without a word.
They were so busy having a full-on war, they completely forgot about the cakes in the oven. They were still hurling flour at each other and laughing their heads off when they smelled smoke.
"Egg, do you smell that?"
They both froze.
"Wemmbu..." Egg whispered.
Just then, the entire oven burst into flames.
"SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT" Wemmbu was saying while trying desperately to throw water at it to stop the fire. Egg was swatting at the fire with a towel like it was a bug that he was trying to kill.
"WEMMBU WHAT DO WE DO?" Egg shouted as he joined him in throwing water at the disaster.
"I DONT KNOW WE ARE SO COOKED"
'WHO IS WE???"
Then like a guardian angel, Minute sprinted in with a fire extinguisher. The fire was out within 3 seconds. Then there was just utter silence. Then, Wemmbu just had to open his mouth.
"So... did I win?"
Both Minute and Egg threw a handful of flour at him.
Minute looked around at his destroyed kitchen and then looked at Egg and Wemmbu standing in the middle of it. He sighed deeply, and said-
"You two better clean this up." Then he left the kitchen and disappeared down the hallway.
Wemmbu and Egg looked at what they created in silence. Then Wemmbu let out a little giggle. Then a chuckle. Soon he was dying with laughter. It didn't take much for Egg to join him, and they were soon roaring with laughter.
They laughed and cried for what felt like hours and ended up sitting on top of one of the counters.
"Wow. This was a lot more destructive than I originally thought." Wemmbu thought allowed.
"I agree." Egg stated while waving a spatula in the air for no particular reason.
"Thanks for this. Y'know, I really needed a break like this." Wemmbu said, with a sincerity that started Egg just a little. Then Egg's smile softened a little.
"Anytime man. Don't forget that it's okay to take a break every once in a while." Egg replied while spinning the spatula in his hand.
Wemmbu smiled a little, thinking to himself that he would come back to do dumb stuff like this more often. He noticed a little pile of flour to his left and picked it up. Then he threw it right at Egg's face.
Egg gasped dramatically, then threw flour right back at Wemmbu.
They weren't sure who won the cook-off, but the laughter? That was the real victory.