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“Let’s talk, after the awards show.”
“Yeah, sounds good.”
Well, it was a lot sooner than she’d have hoped. Pomni stared and glanced around as the mannequins despawned; She wasn’t sure if whatever was running the digital circus couldn’t handle that many walking animations or didn’t want to, but as Gangle stumbled out of the auditorium carrying a “stupid” Zooble, Caine disappeared backstage, and Kinger…
Pomni didn’t catch where he went. For a moment her head craned, but then she remembered Ragatha beside her, and shook her head; Not again.
“…Short award ceremony, huh?” Pomni guessed. Ragatha gave her a painful smile, having waited for whatever cue she was supposed to work with. Pomni nodded, half-tempted to take this conversation someplace better, but. That would just be putting it off. She worked her job enough to recognize that some things should just be done.
“…I know it probably isn’t reassuring now, after I said it last time, but.” Pomni chuckled, glancing over at Ragatha’s eyes. Ragatha waited with bated breath. “I’m sorry for not being there again. I guess I got caught up, AGAIN, with some other person and forgot about you.”
They stared down between their legs. “…Again.”
“I-It’s fine, uh,” Ragatha stammered, sweeping her hair behind her non-existent ear. “I kinda get it. You wanted to help out Jax, and I also felt bad about not being there for him. I tolerated a lot from him, and so did you.”
Was it a waste? At least Pomni got an answer on a question.
“To be fair, I wasn’t the best friend to you, either,” Ragatha sighed after a moment. “I got kinda jealous of Jax for getting to be with you and took it out on the both of you, I couldn’t let you have even a few micro-adventures to yourself, and I made that your problem. I shouldn’t do that as your friend, and I’ll try- I’ll avoid it.”
Pomni smiled, glad the two of them made their peace. “No, it’s all good.” She stuck out a hand. “I guess it’s even then?”
Ragatha stared contemplatively, then grabbed the skirt of her dress.
“Y-Yeah, about that.” She became stiff. “I wasn’t pure in my intentions during those suggestion box adventures, and I won’t defend those. But it’s not just about that.”
Ragatha cleared her throat. “L-Look I know you encouraged me to be more honest about my feelings, and I do agree I was coming on a bit harshly back then to you, but also. I’m not trying to be bitter or confrontational about this and I’m sorry if I am, I just want to have an honest conversation.”
Ragatha inhaled deeply, remembering what Kinger told her. Every nerve of her body yelled it was painful, but nothing had happened in all the years she’d listened.
“I-I KNOW you were wanting to help Jax. But it kinda hurt, when you watched him say and do all of those things to me and Gangle, and didn’t do anything about it.”
It hurt right now for her to say it. Pomni blinked. “Ragatha, I…”
“It’s just!” Ragatha almost snapped, before catching herself. “He’s not really nice to Gangle, and I’ve been noticing it more and more as of late. And I’ll admit I kinda didn’t take it seriously at first because it’s Gangle, but then I realized that’s no excuse.” Ragatha looked Pomni in the eyes. “He REALLY scares her, Pomni. A lot. And while I’m not scared, he does a lot of the same things to me as well and it can really hurt.”
“And you’re used to it.” Ragatha blinked and looked at Pomni, who now seemed briefly terrified of a faux pas. It finally occurred to Ragatha what she meant, what Ragatha had said, about her mother. A flash of pain, but then relief, as Pomni’s gaze became determined and sympathetic. “Your mother shouldn’t have put you through that.”
It was a long time coming but still tasted as sweet. Ragatha twirled her hair around her finger as a foundation of ache rattled within her, yet all of her instincts caved to Pomni’s words. “Y-Yeah. She shouldn’t have.” It didn’t feel dirty to say it around Pomni.
They smiled, but then Ragatha’s face set as she realized what came next also shouldn’t have felt wrong; She wasn’t mad, just hurt. “So it just felt a little frustrating, when Jax did all that to us right in front of you, and you didn’t say anything. I know you wanted to be neutral, but when he saw that you didn’t care and still continued to hang out, it felt like you were taking his side and that mattered to you more than what we were going through. What I was going through. And I was surprised because I know I’ve been a lot, but for Gangle’s sake…”
Pomni was taken aback, not sure what to say as she defaulted: “I mean, I didn’t mean it that way.”
Ragatha sighed, feeling a raw tone of pain. “Yeah, but. It felt that way.”
She guiltily looked away from Pomni. Pomni thought to defend herself, but then she reconsidered. She was just having fun, she thought. But that’s also what Jax said, even when she told him otherwise. And they both shot Ragatha.
It stung a lot to think of, and it resolved Pomni in her response:
“…You’re right. That was kind of a dick move on my part.”
Ragatha startled suddenly, like a coiled-up spring suddenly letting go. Pomni was surprised to realize how tense she’d been all along as she stared at her in wide eyes of disbelief. Both of their gazes softened as they met. “You poured your whole heart out about your mother, and I just left you hanging! That wasn’t cool, I…” Pomni rubbed the back of her neck, wondering if an explanation would even make Ragatha feel better, or worse.
“I think my problem was that ever since I arrived in the circus,” She clutched her malleable face in her hands and began massaging it like a stress ball. “I’ve just been thrown into this new life and been expected to keep up with it. And before I know it, I find myself in this situation where there’s all these other people, one by one, right before me. And they’re broken down and hurt, and it feels like a life or death situation where if I don’t help out, they’re gonna die! So obviously I help, and it works out.”
Ragatha gave a smile of reprieve. “You have a way with people.”
It began to roll out of Pomni. “But it was really stressful. And when I calmed down and looked back at it afterwards, it kinda hurt to think about. And I ended up feeling a little irritated even, like I just went through a bunch of stuff out of nowhere and nobody even gave me a courtesy heads-up! It was exhausting and it feels like the only people who didn’t freak me out were you and Kinger…”
Ragatha was touched, thinking to not long ago in the ‘Loser Corner’ where she’d ironically stopped feeling like a loser. “Yeah, Kinger’s great.”
Huh. Pomni was intrigued for a second, then kept on track as it returned. “So when I see Jax and there’s an opportunity there, it’s like I have to take it! I have to take it because what else am I here for? And I was afraid of losing my chance.” Pomni laughed sadly. “Maybe I could even get him to stop completely…”
She kicked her legs back and forth. “But really… I guess with Jax, it seemed like he was someone who was unbothered. He was having fun. He didn’t care what anyone else thought of him, he seemed like someone I wouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around! I’ll always try to be there when you guys need me, even if I’m not so good at it, but with Jax I guess I wanted to know what his secret was.”
“There is no secret, is there?” Ragatha guessed sadly; She knew. Pomni stared back, wondering if she could’ve saved herself a lot of time if she’d asked, but then again. There’d always be that burning question in the back of her mind, the need to try for herself because admittedly, she’d been doing things that Ragatha hadn’t. Ragatha only felt peace knowing she did what she could.
“No. He wasn’t unbothered, he wasn’t really having fun, and he did care what people thought about him. A lot, and it’s obvious in hindsight but I guess I was looking for what I wanted to see!” Pomni threw her hands up in disbelief; Again! Her exit! “And then he treated me the same way he treats you guys, maybe not the EXACT same but what different does it make? And it finally occurred to me, oh yeah! THIS is how you guys feel!”
She laughed bitterly, remorsefully over it. Pomni felt Ragatha’s soft arm hand on her shoulder and accepted it.
“…I’m sorry. I kept thinking of you as this perfect, reliable friend who could always be there for me so it didn’t matter what I did. And I was too scared of having to be there for you, when it’s the least I owe after everything you’ve done.”
“Hey, it’s good.” Ragatha reassured her. She found herself a little surprised by how true it was, but then why wouldn’t it be good? Ragatha knew how she felt, and in the end it could be a little bad, but also good. That gave her ease. “I was trying to prove I could still be useful to someone who I thought didn’t need it, wondering how they pulled it off. You accomplished in record time what I’ve been torturing myself over!”
She had a startle of realization, panic. Pomni was more than that! Not that she didn’t also want that from Pomni… “Erm, not that what you went through was like, justified or anything-”
Ragatha tensed when Pomni set a hand on her shoulder, and relaxed. She smiled confidently and it transferred over to Ragatha. “You thought you could find someone who would get what you were doing,” Pomni realized.
“I guess we both did,” Ragatha confessed, surprised yet a little elated to be read. She removed her hand to stick it out as a fist, as she inhaled and straightened up, attitude prepping. “So, next adventure? The two of us, together? And… maybe anyone else, if they want to join?” The last part came hopefully. Ragatha held up her other hand, and Pomni realized she was trying to cross her fingers. “I’ll be normal this time, promise.”
Pomni met her first bump. “Sure. That reminds me, what were you and Kinger up to, anyway?” She wondered, then chuckled. “You’re definitely a lot more confident this time,” She teased.
Ragatha’s eyes widened in excitement. “Yeah, no, that’s the thing!” She buzzed. “I was in this huge rut, and all of a sudden Kinger just knew exactly what to say, it’s weird right?” She pointed to her head. “It’s like he has these random moments but I don’t know if there’s any logic to it, or-”
Pomni laughed, and the memory felt a lot better. “It’s the darkness!” She explained, shading her eyes. “When it’s dark, he gets lucid again.”
Ragatha stared in amazement. “Wait, so you knew and never brought it up?” It was an innocent question, and Pomni laughed, feeling an edge of bittersweetness and guilt anyway; Why hadn’t she?
That’s when something so obvious she could never put into words came to her. “You’re right, I should’ve brought it up before, but.” She remembered now, sobering. “…I guess I just didn’t want to keep having moments with someone, just for them to forget about it all over again.” Pomni clasped her hands together, feeling quiet once more.
A third hand came in: Ragatha’s, meeting Pomni’s. She brought Pomni’s hand up between the two of them as she nodded supportively. “We’ll work on it. There’s always going to be someone who will remember for us, right?” After today, Ragatha didn’t even feel like the confidence was misplaced, and she didn’t care; Why not say it?
Pomni’s eyes widened, and suddenly a fun day gone terrible was now feeling like it was going to be alright. She smiled in determination. “…Let’s make it more than one,” she concurred, and their clasped hands became a shake of agreement: Another promise, this one to keep.
Okay, so maybe Kinger will be there too. And Gangle, and Zooble; They actually had a lot of fun with Ragatha and Kinger that day. And even he could show up, maybe.
But next time, be with her. It’s the least she could do, and nothing about the idea seemed stressful anymore. Pomni was ready. As was Ragatha.