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The dress is beautiful. Seonghwa knows it is, she picked it out herself. Months ago. For this exact evening. The material is luxurious, soft and delicate against her tan skin. When she bought it, she'd contemplated a few different colours; red, emerald green, navy blue. But nothing could beat a classic, sleek black. The sleeves hug her upper arms, leaving her shoulders and collarbones exposed, the bodice of the dress clings to her waist and hips before flaring out into something a little more flowy from her thighs to the ground. A high slit leaves one of her freshly shaved and moisturised legs visible and a pair of black strappy high heels sit just to the left of her bare feet.
The dress is beautiful.
Her hair is perfectly styled.
Her makeup is immaculate.
But looking in the mirror in this moment, Seonghwa can't see any of that. Or she can… but there are other things she sees more. She thinks that maybe an off-the -shoulder dress had been the wrong choice, despite owning other dresses like it. Because as she stares at herself in the mirror all she can see is the broadness of her shoulders and chest, how her arms are just a little more muscular than she'd like them to be. How, even though the crimson colour of her long nails matches her lipstick, her fingers are a little too thick, palms a little too wide, the backs of her hands and her forearms too vascular.
Seonghwa's eyes trail over the dress again. She takes in how her chest doesn't quite fill it out right. She's seen some growth over the last year and a half, but not as much as she'd like. And even though she has enough to fill out a small bra, and enough to at least show a little, there isn't enough for this dress.
Normally, she likes how her waist looks in tight clothes. It's one of the things she hadn't needed to worry about when she started her transition because it's always been pretty slim. But now, with her shoulders bare as well, she can't help but think there isn't enough definition between them, her waist and her hips. She feels like a rectangular plank.
As her gaze lowers again, she feels a tight clench in her chest. On any regular day, Seonghwa doesn't really mind her genitals. Having a penis has never really made her feel particularly dysphoric. But she just can't seem the get the tucked position right tonight and she can see the small bump of it under the tightness of her dress, and it makes her skin itch.
"I can't do this," she whispers and even the sound of her voice grates on her already frayed nerves.
Seonghwa had looked up vocal feminisation tutorials on YouTube and practiced for weeks trying to find the right pitch. Something that is comfortable for her to maintain but is still recognisably feminine. It took a while, but she finally had the tone she wanted.
Except now she can only hear the deep undertone, the slight gravel of masculinity that still peaked its ugly head out every now and then.
As she took in the full picture of herself, she felt tears begin to well in her eyes. This isn't how tonight was supposed to go. She's supposed to look amazing and feel confident, but she doesn't feel either of those things.
Seonghwa plops down onto the edge of the bed and puts her hands over her face as small sobs shudder from between her lips. She's so caught up in her own head that she doesn't hear the light knock on the door before it creaks open.
She'd forgotten to lock it.
"Are you ready, baby? You've been in here a while."
Her boyfriend's voice fills the room, and she can smell his expensive cologne. Seonghwa is sure he looks incredible. He always does.
"Seonghwa?" Concern tinges his voice and she's sure he's spotted her. "Baby, what is it? What happened?" The shuffle of shoes over plush carpet announces Hongjoong's approach before he crouches down in front of her and places his hand against one of her thighs.
"Seonghwa, talk to me, honey," he pleads softly.
By now Seonghwa is sobbing louder, tears streaking down her cheeks and wetting her palms; her makeup is probably ruined. Hongjoong's hand is a warm weight against her thigh and it's probably the only thing keeping her tethered. She tries to focus on his voice, the scent of him, the warmth he exudes.
After a few moments, Hongjoong moves his hand from Seonghwa's thigh to her shoulder and it's the wrong move. She immediately whimpers and shrinks in on herself, jerking her shoulder out of his grasp.
"Don't," she murmurs, voice thick and wet from the tears.
"I'm sorry, baby," Hongjoong says immediately. "Where is it ok to touch? Or would you prefer I not touch you at all?"
Seonghwa sniffles as she thinks. "My leg was fine," she decides.
Hongjoong's hand is back where it was before, on her thigh. He rubs gentle circles as she continues to sniffle quietly, desperately trying to get a fucking grip.
"Can you tell me what happened?" Hongjoong asks again after allowing her a few minutes to collect her breathing.
"I'm sorry," she says as she slowly lowers her hands to rest in her lap. She doesn't lift her head to look at Hongjoong. Instead, Seonghwa keeps her gaze locked on her fingers as she nervously picks are the side of her thumb. "This was supposed to be a nice night out for your birthday and I've ruined it."
"You haven't ruined anything, baby," Hongjoong is quick to assure her. "You know I'm not particularly attached to my birthday. As long as I get to spend it with you, I'm happy." Hongjoong is quiet for another few moments before he continues cautiously, "is it… the dress?"
Seonghwa laughs wetly, though it doesn't have any humour behind it. She laughs because of how easy it is for Hongjoong to read her, to know exactly what's going on.
"Yeah," she confirms. "It's the dress. Or I guess… not so much the dress itself because I really love it. It's more what I look like in the dress."
Seonghwa doesn't need to look to see the kind, sympathetic look in Hongjoong's eyes. She's seen it enough times to know it's there.
"Ok," Hongjoong says. "Do you want to talk me though what you're thinking?"
She doesn't. Not really. But she knows it'll help, because it always does. Hongjoong can't relate to what's going through her head, he can't understand what it feels like to want to peel his skin off and slide into something that feels more like home. But he has always done his best to listen and reassure her. He's been her pillar through everything; her coming out, her first few appointments, starting her hormones, being there through all her emotional highs and lows.
"Everything just looks so wrong," she says after contemplating for a few moments. "It doesn't fit right. My shoulders look huge. My forearms and hands are too big." Her voice starts to wobble again as she talks, but once she starts talking about how she feels it's hard to stop. "My chest is still too broad and flat and my hips are too narrow. I couldn't get my fucking tuck right and I can still see the bump and it's even worse when I turn to the side because my ass is so fucking flat." Seonghwa pauses to take a couple of deep breaths and stave off the impending sobs. "I just look like a man in a fucking dress."
She drops her face into her hands again as a fresh wave of tears well up and spill over her cheeks.
"Oh, my love," Hongjoong sighs. She's sure he now understands why she'd flinched away when he put his hand on her shoulder. They were one of her bigger insecurities, especially when she's in this kind of headspace. "I'm sorry you're feeling like this, baby."
Seonghwa sobs again and shrugs. In her mind it can't really be helped; she's too imperfect, too flawed.
"I just feel like I'll never be woman enough," she whispers. "At least not in any way that matters."
She can hear Hongjoong shift beside her before he wraps gentle hands around her wrists and pulls them away from her face. She keeps her eyes closed for a couple of moments before slowly opening them. Hongjoong is kneeling at her feet. He's dressed in her favourite suit; it's a simple all black suit, but it fits him so perfectly that she feels her knees go a little weak every time he wears it. Perfectly styled waves of soft chestnut brown hair frame his handsome features, and she can tell he's put on just a little bit of makeup because he knows she loves how it makes him look.
Even though tonight is supposed to be for him, Hongjoong had still catered everything to Seonghwa's taste. Normally she would be overjoyed, but in that moment, it only serves to make her feel even more guilty. Almost everything Hongjoong does is a display of his love for her and she can't even manage to look nice for him.
"Park Seonghwa," Hongjoong starts, looking up at her as though she hung the stars in the sky just for him. "You are woman enough, because you are a woman and that's enough. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever had the privilege to behold. You could be in sweatpants and a stained hoodie with your hair in a little bun and I'd still see a goddess. To me you're Aphrodite realised, nothing could ever make me see you has anything different."
Seonghwa's bottom lip wobbles as she stays focused on Hongjoong's voice.
She remembers when she'd first come out to him. The fear gripping her had been so intense she honestly thought she might pass out. But she hadn't been able to hold it in any longer. Hongjoong deserved to know the person he'd been with for the last five years wasn't her true self. But Hongjoong was cis and gay, Seonghwa knew that. He hadn't ever dated or even slept with a woman, and Seonghwa was sure that would be the end of their relationship.
When she'd told Hongjoong she's a woman, she'd had tears in her eyes. She'd told him it was ok if he didn't want to be with her anymore, that she understood if he wanted to get out early. It didn't matter that she would be losing the love of her life, her soulmate. She would never want him to stay with her if it didn't make him happy.
But Hongjoong hadn't asked to end things, he hadn't scolded her for holding back the truth from him. Instead, he'd taken her in his arms, held her tighter than he ever had before and thanked her for having the courage to tell him. He'd told her how proud of her he was, that he loves her, that he can't wait to show the world his beautiful girlfriend.
And since then, he has become her biggest supporter. He always was, but even more so now. Seonghwa isn't sure where she would be without Hongjoong and his love and support.
"I know you find it hard to believe me sometimes," Hongjoong continues as he rubs his thumbs back and forth over Seonghwa's wrists. "But I need you to try not to listen to that little voice inside your head too much. You're so fucking perfect, baby. And I am the luckiest man in the world to be able to wake up next to you every day, to be able to introduce you to people as my girlfriend. And I feel so, so privileged to be able to come on this journey with you and to support you and see you become the incredible woman you were always meant to be."
Seonghwa gives Hongjoong a small, watery smile. It's hard to believe him. She wants to so badly, and his affirmations do make her feel a little better.
Hongjoong returns her smile and reaches up to wipe the wetness off her cheeks before he stands up again. Shifting his grip to her hands, he gives a small tug to encourage her to her feet. She follows easily and stands back in front of the mirror again, Hongjoong beside her as he shifts his hand to rest against the small of her back.
It turns out she was right; her makeup is a mess of mascara smudged under her eyes, tear streaks through her foundation and her lipstick has smudged off from biting her lips. She looks a mess, but Hongjoong looks at her in the mirror like he's stumbled upon a hidden treasure trove.
"I love your waist so much," Hongjoong says and he shifts behind Seonghwa just enough to be able to place both hands against her waist. "It's so pretty and slim, fits so perfectly in my hands."
Seonghwa watches as Hongjoong's fingers curl around her waist, feels the heat of his palms through the fabric of her dress. And when she looks at herself again, she can see the hourglass figure she loves so much. The curve of her hips returns, and she smiles as she leans back into Hongjoong a little.
"I love your hands," Hongjoong continues. One of his hands settles on Seonghwa's hip while the other slides down her arm until it reaches her hand. Palms pressed together, Hongjoong looks over her shoulder as he compares their hand sizes. Hongjoong's palm is bigger than hers; wider, and a little more calloused. His fingers are thicker than hers despite being a bit shorter. Her hand looks distinctly feminine next to his and it makes her smile. "Your fingers are so long and pretty."
Seonghwa looks back at them in the mirror, and she feels Hongjoong's lips press against the bare skin of her shoulder. She gasps softly when his hands trail back over her body, over her hips, her waist, and up to her chest. There's nothing sexual in the way Hongjoong cups her breasts, but she still feels a swooping in her stomach as he squeezes gently.
"These are the perfect size too," Hongjoong says. "They fit in my hands just right, and I can't wait to see how much bigger they get."
He lets her chest go and settles his hands on her hips again. Seonghwa watches his eyes trail over her, down to the faint bulge at her groin.
"And this doesn't make you less of a woman," he says as his fingertips hook beneath the hem of her underwear at her hips and give a small tug. "Tucking takes time and practice. And if people out in the world are staring at your crotch, then that's a long list of people for me to knock some sense into. They can appreciate your beauty, but as soon as their eyes stray too far, I need to remind them of what's mine."
Hongjoong meets Seonghwa's gaze in the mirror once more and she can feel her eyes well with tears again. Suddenly she's seeing herself properly again. She sees everything Hongjoong has pointed out and more, she sees a beautiful woman and the handsome man she loves.
Seonghwa turns in the circle of Hongjoong's arms until they're facing each other. She slides her hands up Hongjoong's chest, appreciating the lean muscles, before looping her arms around his shoulders and threading her fingers into the hair at the base of his head.
"Feeling a bit better, baby?" Hongjoong asks.
"Yes," Seonghwa nods. "Thank you, Joongie. I don't know what I'd do without you. Truly."
Hongjoong gives her hips a soft squeeze before reaching up to cup her jaw and pull her down into a slow, tender kiss. Seonghwa can taste the love he pours into her as his lips press against hers, fingertips gentle as they caress her jaw. Pulling back just enough to rest their foreheads together, Seonghwa looks into Hongjoong's eyes. She's sure they reflect the deep pool of affection in her own eyes.
"I'll always be here to remind you there is no one ‘right’ way to be a woman, baby," Hongjoong says and Seonghwa believes him. "However you present, however you just exist is the perfect way to be a woman. And whatever changes that come will also be perfect." Hongjoong pecks her lips once more. "I love you so much."
Seonghwa nods along with everything he says, never breaking eye contact. These are the words she needed to hear, and coming from Hongjoong they mean the world.
"I love you too," she says.
"Do you still want to go out tonight or would you prefer to stay in and order something instead?" Hongjoong asks. "I don't mind either way. As long as I get to spend my night with you, it'll be the best birthday a man could ask for."
Seonghwa stops to think for a moment. Even though she's come out of her own head, she still doesn't know if she feels like being perceived by anyone but Hongjoong. She feels bad that they planned this whole night only for her to pull out last minute, but she believes Hongjoong when he says he doesn't mind.
"I want to stay in," she decides.
"Sounds good," Hongjoong smiles. "Why don't you get changed into something comfy and I'll get the living room set up? Extra blankets and all."
Seonghwa can't help the smile that tugs at her lips and she makes an excited little noise as she nods and pulls away from Hongjoong.
"Can we order from that really nice Italian place we tried last time? I feel like lots of carbs and cheese," she says as she begins unzipping her dress. She'll have to save it for another time.
"Of course, baby. Anything for you," Hongjoong replies before leaving the bedroom to set up the living room.
Seonghwa takes her time getting changed into a pair of soft, comfortable pyjamas. She washes her face thoroughly, removing all traces of both tears and makeup. After tying her hair up in a messy ponytail, Seonghwa takes a moment to look at herself in the bathroom mirror again.
If she looks hard enough she can still see the fading elements of masculinity in her features. But now her feminine characteristics shine through more, and she smiles. She's nowhere near done with her transition, but she's proud of the progress she's made so far and she feels incredibly grateful to have such an amazing and supportive partner.
"You've got this, girl," she tells herself as she wraps her arms around herself in a silly little hug before turning and bounding out of the bathroom to find Hongjoong.