Archive of Our Own

It all started in the garden.

Yuuta was sitting in the dirt, knees drawn to his chest. It was late. Probably past midnight if he had to guess, but it was hard to tell. He hadn’t checked the time on his phone before he slipped out of his room. He hadn’t even thought to grab it. There just wasn’t enough space in his head for any more thinking; hundreds of thoughts were already vying for his attention, each one worse than the last.

They’re sending you away. They don’t want you. You won’t get to keep your friends—they’ll forget about you by the time you come back. If you’re ever allowed to come back, that is.

He took a shaky breath in and released it, imagining the thoughts leaving with it. When that didn’t clear his head, he buried his face in his knees, wrapping his arms around his legs as tightly as he could. He supposed that if he was going to cry, there were worse places to do it. The garden was pretty, cast in a gentle glow by the lights of the hallways surrounding it. Toge had done a good job of taking care of it. All of the flowers looked like they were thriving, and they swayed gently in a breeze that was so soft, Yuuta barely even noticed it.

What he did notice were the quiet footsteps heading in his direction. He recognized them immediately. He was pretty sure he could pick them out of a crowd if he had to.

He lifted his head just enough to rest his cheek on his knee as Toge stood next to him.

“Konbu,” Toge whispered. He was in his pajamas, but he wasn’t wearing his collar, so Yuuta had an unobstructed view of the concerned look on his face. He must have been staying up to watch videos on his phone and noticed Yuuta sneaking out of the dorms.

“Hi Toge,” Yuuta whispered back. The name felt foreign in his mouth. He still wasn’t used to calling Toge by his given name, but he smiled softly at him like he enjoyed hearing Yuuta say his name.

What if this is the last time you get to see him smile?

“Takana?”

With a start, Yuuta realized that Toge looked concerned again. Then he realized why. Yuuta was crying, tears silently making their way down his face at the mere thought of never seeing Toge again.

“I’m fine,” he lied, trying to wipe the tears away. His efforts were futile, though. As many tears as he wiped off, more just replaced them. He had always been like this. Once he started crying, he just couldn’t stop.

Instead of pressing the issue, Toge sat next to Yuuta, joining him in the dirt. Neither one of them said a word. Yuuta had never been more grateful to Toge. If it had been Maki, she would have poked and prodded until he eventually caved and spilled his guts. But Toge was willing to sit here, in the dirt, at well past midnight, and just give Yuuta silent company to make him feel better. All without even knowing what the issue was. For all Toge knew, it could be something incredibly stupid and not worthy of all the dramatics. But he didn’t care. If it was enough to make Yuuta upset, then it was enough for Toge to want to make it better.

That’s when it happened.

Sitting there, framed by bluebells, the sound of his own sniffling mixed with the distant hum of cicadas, Okkotsu Yuuta realized that he had a crush on his best friend.

If Toge noticed the way Yuuta tensed up, he didn’t comment on it. He didn’t say anything when Yuuta’s sniffles turned into full-blown sobs, either. He just put an arm around Yuuta and hugged him closer to his side.

In all honesty, Yuuta should have seen this coming. He had probably had a crush on Toge for months now. Of course he would only realize what was happening days before he was set to be shipped off to a different continent.

God, he was so stupid.

It was selfish, but once Yuuta finally stopped crying, he kept his head on top of Toge’s. He wanted to enjoy this moment a little longer. They sat next to each other on the sofa every movie night, and they shared a bed during sleepovers, but this was the closest they had ever gotten to actually cuddling, and Yuuta wanted to savor it. Here he was, in his crush’s arms, surrounded by beautiful flowers and late-night ambience. Aside from his breakdown, it was a perfect moment.

“Tsuna mayo,” Toge whispered.

You got snot in my hair.

Okay. Moment ruined.

Yuuta laughed anyway. “Sorry,” he said, lifting his head to wipe his face with his sleeve. Then he used his sleeve to scrub at the top of Toge’s head.

“Okaka!” Toge protested, swiping at Yuuta’s arm. But it was a half-hearted attempt, and it left him with a case of bedhead that rivaled his usual spiked look. Yuuta laughed again. When Toge tried flattening his hair back down, Yuuta laughed even harder, which set Toge off on a laughing fit of his own. He couldn’t tell if the tears in his eyes were from the crying or the laughing, but by the time they were done, they were both red in the face and grinning at each other.

God, Toge was pretty. It wasn’t the first time Yuuta had thought that. Even covered in blood and dirt, Yuuta had always thought that Toge was pretty. But this was the first time he had the thought post-realization, and now it took on a whole new meaning. A small ball of dread settled in the pit of his stomach.

“I like your hair like this,” Yuuta said, ignoring the building anxiety.

“Takana?”

“Yeah, obviously because of the snot. That’s actually my favorite part.”

Toge giggled, and Yuuta fought to keep a straight face.

“I meant, I like when your hair is down,” he tried again. “I think it looks nice. The spikes are cool and everything, but I think it looks pretty like this.”

He could feel each heartbeat slam against his ribcage as he waited for a reaction. Toge blinked at him and then smiled, shrugging one of his shoulders. “Sujiko,” he said coyly. Maybe I’ll have to keep it like this, then. 

Heat rose to Yuuta’s cheeks, and he prayed that if his face got red, Toge wouldn’t be able to tell.

He had two options. He could either tell Toge that he has to go to Africa, or he could confess, right here and now, and let Toge learn about Africa tomorrow with the rest of their classmates. They could have at least one good night together—actually together—before every interaction they share becomes tainted by the knowledge that Yuuta is going to be across the ocean soon.

That is, assuming Toge would accept Yuuta’s feelings in the first place. There wasn’t a guarantee that he would. Yuuta wasn’t used to having friends. He didn’t know how to tell the difference between the behavior of a best friend and someone who has a crush on you.

Something must have shown on his face, because Toge tilted his head to the side with a raised eyebrow. “Takana?” He asked, giddiness still coming through in his voice.

“I’m leaving,” Yuuta whispered, still unable to say it with his chest. Toge’s smile dropped completely. Yuuta kept talking. “In a few days. I have to go to Africa. For a year. To train, I guess.”

Toge didn’t respond. His face had fallen back into that flat apathetic expression he always wore before he and Yuuta got close. But Yuuta could still see the gears turning behind Toge’s eyes. He didn’t know what it was, but Toge was trying to work out something. Maybe the time difference between the two continents. Maybe the distance between them. Maybe the implications of Yuuta no longer being around.

Yuuta was still trying to work out that last one himself.

He could feel the tears starting back up. Taking a deep breath, he shut his eyes and buried his face in his knees again. Toge leaned against him without saying anything. The tension was thick, and Yuuta felt like he was being strangled.

“Um.” His voice cracked. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Will we…still be friends? When I come back?”

The response was immediate. “Shake!” Toge insisted, pulling away from Yuuta to face him. Yuuta lifted his head. “You’re stuck with me,” he signed.

The sign language was a new thing. Toge knew that they would be getting underclassmen next year, and he thought JSL would be easier for them to learn than the onigiri language. Everyone had been working on learning it lately, but no one had spent more time on it than Yuuta and Toge. Still, Yuuta was pleasantly surprised that he knew what Toge had said.

Toge was still staring at him in disbelief, like he was offended that Yuuta would even ask such a question. Yuuta laughed again. “Sorry, I know, I just had to ask.”

“It’s your punishment for getting snot in my hair. You got snot in my hair and now you have to live with me for the rest of your life.”

That made Yuuta smile. “Don’t tell me that. I’ll start putting snot in your hair every day then.”

“Mentaiko,” Toge scoffed. Good luck doing that all the way from Africa.

It was the first time someone other than Gojo or himself had acknowledged Yuuta leaving out loud. It stung, but not as hard as he thought it would have. At the very least, it didn’t make him immediately burst into tears again, so there was that. Something about Toge making light of the situation made him feel a little better about it.

Toge scooted back into place next to Yuuta and grabbed his hand. Yuuta tensed again. His face was definitely red now. “We’ll just have to use the honor system,” he choked out through his embarrassment. “You can expect snotty tissues in your mailbox every week I’m gone.”

“Okaka!”

—

Nearly a year later, Yuuta received a text message. Then he realized he was in love.

Thanks to the time difference between Kenya and Tokyo, Yuuta woke up to a slew of text messages every morning. The Tokyo Student group chat that Toge had added Yuuta to was always active, even when everyone was on the training field together. So was the Second Year Only chat. Memes, questions about food, the occasional bickering match—there was always something to entertain Yuuta and make him feel a little bit closer to home.

He liked to start his days by reading through them over breakfast like a newspaper, scrolling past message after message without responding to any of them. At most, he would give them a thumbs up or heart reaction. Actual responses were usually reserved for direct messages. He was too shy to reply in the group chat with the first years, and by the time he saw the messages in the second years’ chat, too much time had passed and a response would seem out of place.

The day Yuuta broke that pattern was the day Itadori sent a picture of Toge and Megumi.

Yuuta had received it around noon while in the middle of a mission, but wasn’t able to actually check his notifications until he and Miguel were on their way back. It was a completely innocuous picture, sent because Itadori thought that Megumi’s anger was hilarious. The Divine Dogs were curled together on the floor for a nap, and fast asleep in between them was Toge, his arms wrapped around Kuro. His collar was unzipped, and his drool was pooling on the black fur that his cheek was pressed against. He looked really peaceful. A few feet away, Megumi was scowling at them with his arms crossed, but the next few messages told Yuuta that he let them sleep like that for over an hour before someone woke them up for dinner.

As Yuuta stood in the middle of the bustling streets of Kenya, his heart stuttered in his chest.

I love him, he thought for the first time. I really, really love him.

He zoomed in on Toge’s face. His own face felt hotter than it had a few moments ago, but he tried to ignore it as he changed Toge’s profile picture.

He’s known about his crush ever since that night in the garden, but that’s all it’s ever been. Just a crush. He didn’t even know when it had developed into something more, or why he only just now realized that it had. 

“What are you doing back there?” Yuuta looked up to see Miguel a few feet ahead of him, staring at him with a raised eyebrow. “You know you’re filthy, right? Hurry up so we can get back and take a shower.”

The only sound Yuuta could make was one of distress, a high-pitched whine as he waved his phone around.

“Does this have something to do with that rice boy?”

Yuuta’s voice rose a few octaves as he tried to stammer out a response.

Miguel sighed. “This is why I never had kids,” he muttered as he walked over. Despite that, he put an arm around Yuuta’s shoulders and began steering him back towards his house, giving him the chance to stare at his phone long enough to send a quick message in the group chat.

Replying to: Itadori Yuuji

Cute.

After a lengthy discussion with Miguel that involved a lot of blushing, a moderate amount of denial, and a little bit of crying, Yuuta came to the conclusion that he was, in fact, in love with Toge. Moreover, he realized that he had been in love with him for months, and had only just realized it. As far as emotional awareness went, it was pretty on par for Yuuta, and no one was surprised. Least of all Miguel, who had apparently known since the day he met Yuuta at the Tokyo airport and watched him hold onto Toge for just a little bit longer than the rest of his classmates.

It wasn't that Yuuta didn't love his other classmates—that saying about distance making the heart grow fonder or whatever must have been true, because Yuuta missed his friends more than he knew was possible. He missed Maki's stubborn friendship, the way she would punch him on the shoulder as an act of endearment, the names she would call him with a fond grin on her face, the threats she would make (some empty, most not) over trivial things. He missed Panda's balance, the way he was a perfect contrast to Maki's friendship, the way he would give Yuuta space when he needed, the way he would let Yuuta nap on him during the day after a sleepless night, the way he always knew what movie to watch and which stores had the best snacks. He missed Megumi's attitude, both his quiet respect and louder insults for Gojo, as well as his, quite frankly, emo music taste.

Somehow, Yuuta even found himself missing the first years he hadn't technically met yet; he wanted to talk to Itadori, to assure him that not only is he not alone in his fucked up situation, but that he has the best group of friends to help him get through it that he could ask for. He wanted to take Kugisaki to Kyoto—because apparently it was his fault she couldn't go—and he wanted to ask her for some tips on dressing better, and maybe ask her for some nice date spots around town.

He could talk for hours about how much he missed his friends. But he could talk for years about how much he missed Toge.

His other classmates were great, and he thought about each one of them everyday, but no one stayed on his mind the way Toge did. Every time something good happened to him, he instinctively reached for his phone to tell Toge about it. Every time something bad happened to him, he did the same. He knew that eventually, Toge would get sick of him, but he couldn't help it. He thought about Toge constantly. Every time he saw rice, or the color purple, or flowers—anything could remind him of Toge.

So, yeah. Yuuta loved him.

And he was pretty sure that Toge loved him back.

Now that he was looking for signs, he could tell. Not even Yuuta was dense enough to mistake the tone in Toge's texts, the look in his eyes on video calls, the way he always tried to make time to include Yuuta in things from across the ocean, the not-so-subtle flirting. He had even made the flat hair a permanent change after Yuuta had called it pretty during their first year. The list went on. Until now, it had all gone over his head. He hadn't been used to having friends. He couldn't differentiate friendly gestures from flirting. But now, he knew Toge too well, and his feelings were obvious. All it took was one panicked phone call for Maki and Panda to get as close to confirming it as they could without outright saying it.

That confirmation was all Yuuta needed to start thinking about confessing. He thought about it all the time. He knew he wanted to do it in person, but the actual when, where, and how changed everyday. The only constant was that it should be incredibly romantic. Partially because Yuuta is a romantic at heart, but mostly because Toge deserved it. He deserved to feel like a normal teenager for once, and he deserved to feel loved.

The second day Yuuta broke his texting pattern was the day Miguel told him that he'd be going home soon. He sent the announcement in the big group chat, not caring that he was interrupting a very important conversation about their upcoming dinner plans. Everyone's attention immediately shifted to Yuuta, and his phone flooded with excited texts from everyone except Toge.

A few minutes later, Maki sent Yuuta a picture of Toge. He was crying, but he was grinning through his tears. Yuuta saved that one, too. A few minutes after that, Toge finally texted back.

From: Toge <3

it’s about time

—

When Yuuta finally returned home, Toge was the first person to greet him.

He was barely out of the car before Toge threw himself at Yuuta's chest, holding on as tightly as he could with his arms around Yuuta’s neck as Yuuta laughed and spun him in a circle. He couldn't help it. He had dreamed of this moment for months, almost a year, and it was finally happening, and it was perfect. Yuuta couldn't remember a single time in his entire life where he felt the kind of joy that was running through his veins at that moment. When he stopped spinning, Toge's legs lost momentum, and they tightly wrapped themselves around Yuuta's waist.

“Toge!” Yuuta laughed, holding him just as tightly.

“Yuuta,” Toge whispered reverently, their cheeks squished together. Yuuta could imagine the grin on Toge's face, his eyes closed as he took in the moment. He wondered if Toge could feel the warmth of his face through the tall collar of his uniform, but he couldn't be bothered to worry about it, because who cared? Who cared if Toge knew he was blushing? He probably already knew Yuuta loved him. Besides, Yuuta couldn't find it in himself to be stressed about anything now that he was finally home.

By the time everyone else reached them, Toge had shifted himself to Yuuta's side, effectively sitting in the barely-there dip between his waist and hip. His legs were still wrapped around Yuuta's torso, and his arms were draped around Yuuta's shoulders. Yuuta's left arm was hooked around Toge's back to support him.

Maki was grinning when she punched him on the shoulder.

“You’re taller, and you're not as lanky," she said, looking him up and down as she assessed him. "You look like a tree. You even have a koala hanging off of you." She flicked Toge in the forehead. He used one of his hands to pull down his collar long enough to stick his tongue out at her, then made himself comfortable again, resting his head against Yuuta's. Maki scoffed, but she was still grinning, so any intended annoyance fell flat.

Yuuta turned to see Megumi standing off to the side a bit, looking a little out of place. When Yuuta had been recruited into the school, Megumi was already there. He hadn't officially been named a student yet, so Yuuta didn't see him very often; he was usually either at school or holed away in his room. But the others had managed to convince him to spend time with them every so often, and Yuuta could honestly get a little misty-eyed if he stopped to think about how much Megumi had grown in the past year.

Instead, he grinned at him and used his free hand to wave him over. "Megumi!”

“Okkotsu.” Megumi took a few steps closer and bowed slightly. Yuuta ruffled his hair, solely because he knew he would hate it. It did earn him the annoyed eye-roll he was looking for, but when Megumi straightened again, he was smiling softly. "Welcome back. How was your—”

“YUUTA!” Panda wailed in the distance. Four heads whipped over to see him fully sprinting at them.

“Wow, I forgot Panda could move that fast," Yuuta said.

“Shit,” Maki said nonchalantly.

“Ikura,” Toge seconded, staying rooted to his spot on Yuuta’s hip.

“Shit,” Megumi agreed.

Panda flew into them, nearly knocking Yuuta off his feet before he scooped up all four of them into a giant hug. Yuuta's feet left the ground, which probably meant that everyone else's had too. All he could see was white fur. "WELCOME BACK!" Panda bellowed, sounding like he was about to cry. In the distance, Yuuta was pretty sure he heard some birds fly away. "WE MISSED YOU SO MUCH!”

“Let us down, you idiot!" Maki yelled, kicking her feet uselessly.

“NEVER LEAVE US AGAIN, YUUTA!" Panda continued, definitely crying now.

“I’m sorry! It wasn’t my idea!”

“Panda, I’m serious! Put me down before I kill you!”

“I think Inumaki is suffocating.”

Panda dropped both the bit and his classmates immediately. They all managed to land on their feet, save for Toge, who was still glued to Yuuta's side. His hair was messy, and his head lolled backwards, looking dazed as he dramatically took several large gulps of air. Maki launched herself at Panda. As they rolled around on the ground, Megumi sighed.

“You seriously missed this?" Megumi asked, looking thoroughly unimpressed with his upperclassmen.

Yuuta laughed. "Believe it or not? Yeah.”

Megumi smiled again, small and soft but there, and Yuuta was pretty sure that was the third time he had ever seen Megumi smile in his entire life. "Sounds about right." He turned and began to walk back towards the dorms, throwing a casual wave over his shoulder at Yuuta as he left. "Nobara and Yuuji are inside. Brace yourself.”

Now without an audience, Toge perked right back up, making himself comfortable against Yuuta yet again. Yuuta rolled his eyes fondly and followed Megumi, the sounds of Maki and Panda cursing at each other fading into the background.

Meeting Itadori and Kugisaki would have had just as much excitement as his reunion with Panda if not for Megumi being there to rein them in. Itadori bounced around Yuuta, oohing and aahing as he asked him question after question about his technique and Rika. Kugisaki berated him for stripping her of the opportunity to visit Kyoto. At the same time, Toge wriggled around to make his way to Yuuta’s other side. Megumi looked exasperated through it all.

Yuuta was pretty sure Toge's part in the matter was just to be annoying on purpose, but he didn't mind. It was kind of endearing, and he had missed Toge so badly that he didn't have the heart to tell him to get down. This kind of intimacy was new for them; before Yuuta left, the closest they got was sharing a blanket on Toge's bed when they had sleepovers together. But even then, they never really cuddled, save for when they would wake up with their legs tangled. Despite the newness of it all, it felt so normal for them, as if this is how they had always been.

Yuuta was not above taking advantage of it.

Toge stayed like that until dinner, not even letting go for the big reunion picture Ijichi insisted on taking. When he finally dropped to the ground, it almost threw Yuuta off balance for a second, as if he was suddenly missing a piece of himself. Still, Toge insisted on sitting next to Yuuta during dinner, their thighs pressing together under the table. When they all piled into the common room for a celebratory movie night, they shared a blanket. With the way Toge threw his legs over Yuuta’s, he was practically sitting in his lap, and Yuuta lost all ability to focus on the movie Itadori had put on.

Then, when everyone dispersed for bed, Toge grabbed Yuuta's hand and wordlessly pulled him into his bedroom for a sleepover.

It wasn't a surprise. Toge's room felt more like home than Yuuta's ever had, and they both knew it. Even after all the months he had lived there, when he left to go overseas, the walls were still bare and the shelves didn't have anything on them except for textbooks and trinkets from his friends. His bed still had the school-issued sheets, and he never bothered to get a second pillow. He wasn't going to sleep any better regardless, so why bother? But Toge's room was brighter and fuller. There were posters and photos on the walls, soft green and purple blankets and pillows on the bed, shelves bursting with books and trinkets and movies, a plush rug on the floor and a desk littered with empty drinks and cough syrups. Toge's room hadn't changed much in the past year. Yuuta basked in the familiarity of it. 

They didn't bother to turn the lights on; Yuuta felt his way to Toge's bed by memory alone, and they fell into it together, not bothering to change into pajamas. Yuuta stayed on his back, and Toge assumed his newly favored position of clinging to Yuuta's side, this time with his head on his chest. Yuuta was going to wake up with drool on his shirt, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He had spent the entire day overwhelmed by familiar faces. As overjoyed as he was to be back with his friends, having some time to just himself and Toge was nice.

I’m home, he thought, staring up at a ceiling of glow-in-the-dark stars.

“Hey, Toge," Yuuta whispered. There was an empty room in between Toge's and Maki's, and he knew Toge was still awake, so there wasn't any need to whisper. But it felt like there was a certain air that Yuuta didn't want to break. Toge hummed into Yuuta's chest in that sleepy way he had when he was either about to fall asleep or was woken up too early, which meant that Yuuta probably needed to wait. Laying in Toge's bed like this wasn't exactly the romantic vision Yuuta had. But he felt like he was going to explode if he didn't say it. And did it really matter where he said it? Toge loved him. He wouldn’t reject Yuuta just because his confession was bad.

“I love you," he said, and Toge hummed into his chest again, snuggling closer. "No, not like—Toge, listen.”

Yuuta pushed himself up, propped up on his right elbow, and Toge followed suit with his left. He looked serious all of a sudden, like all the sleepiness had been knocked out of him by the knowledge that whatever Yuuta was about to say was important.

“I love you,” Yuuta repeated. Toge stared at him blankly, and Yuuta felt all of his confidence slowly drain out of him. "Like...for realsies.”

That must have been when the words registered in Toge's mind, because he looked surprised, just for a second, before his lips pressed together as he suppressed a smile.

“What did you say?” He signed.

“I love you.”

“No, after that.”

“I panicked, okay?”

Toge huffed out a little laugh, looking so fond, the same way he always did when Yuuta said something exceptionally stupid. But then the smile instantly dropped off his face, and that must have been the moment the actual meaning of Yuuta's words set in, because he suddenly looked a little bit horrified.

Which, okay. Ouch. That definitely wasn't the response Yuuta had been expecting. Of all of the times he played out his confession potentially being rejected in his mind, Toge's response was always either sadness or anger. Never horror. Belatedly, Yuuta realized that he would probably be horrified too. "Hey Toge, I'm in love with you! What happened to the last person I was in love with? Oh, she got cursed to a life after death consisting of being a horrible monster that murdered people and was irrevocably bound to me 24/7. Why do you ask?”

Yeah, Yuuta wouldn’t want anything to do with that, either.

To Toge’s credit, he recovered quickly. Almost as soon as it had appeared, the horror was gone, replaced by an expression that Yuuta had never seen on him before. Pity, maybe? It must have been. Yuuta didn't know what else Toge could have been feeling in that moment that would make him look so sad.

“I already knew you don't like me like that. I'm okay," Yuuta lied. Even after being rejected, Yuuta would still do anything to ease Toge's burdens and take a weight off his chest. "I just wanted you to know. I don't expect anything to change.”

Even though Toge's shoulders slumped with relief, his expression remained unchanged. It was unsettling. Yuuta hated knowing that he was the reason Toge was feeling any kind of negative emotion, but it was ten times worse when he couldn't even tell which one it was. Yuuta could always tell what Toge was thinking, even when he didn't say anything. Either Toge was experiencing some kind of emotion that Yuuta had never witnessed on him before, or he was intentionally keeping Yuuta from being able to see what it was. Yuuta didn't like either option, but either way, he wanted this moment to be over as quickly as possible.

“Still friends?” He asked.

Toge scoffed in mock disbelief. “Obviously,” he signed. “Best friends. You're stuck with me, remember?”

The relief Yuuta felt was as short-lived as Toge's playfulness was. His joking smile faded into a smaller one that didn't reach his eyes. Still, as he flopped back down onto his mattress, he patted the space on the bed next to him. A silent reassurance that Yuuta was still wanted. As grateful for it as he was, it didn't do anything to chase away the heavy feeling in his chest. He resumed his position from earlier, but Toge didn't; instead, he turned onto his other side, with his back towards Yuuta.

For some reason, that hurt more than the actual rejection had.

It didn't take long for Toge to fall asleep. It never did. Unlike most sorcerers, sleep came very easily to him. It was almost contagious, in a way; usually, Yuuta fell asleep just as easily when he was sleeping next to Toge. He had been looking forward to waking up and actually feeling rested again for months.

Instead, he stared at the stars again.

Yuuta had helped Toge put them up one day after he had impulsively bought a pack in passing. It took them longer than it should have, and they didn't even look that good, but Yuuta loved them. He wondered how many more times he would be allowed to lay in Toge's bed like this to watch the stars.

His chest felt exceptionally heavy, and the bottom of his throat felt tight with a sob he refused to let escape. His eyes burned, but the tears never fell.

He didn’t want to wake up Toge. Not only was sleep important to him, but he already had a new burden to bear thanks to Yuuta. He didn't need to deal with Yuuta crying about it in his bed, too. It's okay, he told himself, trying to quell his own emotions. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. He still had Toge. They were still best friends. It couldn't be that hard to get over someone, right?

As if Yuuta was going to be able to love someone less. Funny.

Still sleeping, Toge rolled over, his hand finding Yuuta's in the darkness. Yuuta's breath hitched in his throat. Even when he was asleep, Toge managed to find a way to comfort Yuuta. The worst part was that it was working. All it took was for Toge to hold Yuuta's hand, and Yuuta could feel the stress melt away, feeling lighter and lighter until he eventually fell asleep.

—

Yuuta woke up to something hitting him in the face.

He jerked upright into a sitting position, ripping the offending item off his face and immediately scanning the area for the culprit. In front of Toge's closet stood Gojo with his back to the bed as he haphazardly threw pieces of Toge's uniform around.

“Good morning, Yuuta!”

The adrenaline died immediately. Blearily, Yuuta fumbled for his phone to check the time. Five in the morning. Next to him, Toge was still sleeping. Yuuta glanced down at the undershirt in his hands right before Toge's jacket sailed past him, landing perfectly on Toge's head. The light snoring stopped immediately, but otherwise, Toge stayed where he was.

“You have a mission, Toge! Rise and shine~”

“Ikura,” Toge sleepily grumbled from under his jacket. A pair of pants was the next to hit its mark, swiftly followed by one of his zip collars. "Mentaiko!”

Gojo turned around, dusting his hands off. "No can do, Toge! This mission is perfect for the combined skill-sets of you and a certain someone!”

It was Yuuta's turn to grumble. He flopped back down into the pillow, using Toge's undershirt to shield his eyes from the light. "I just got back yesterday though," he whined. The shirt was ripped from his hands, and Gojo dropped it onto the small pile of laundry that was accumulating on Toge's head, along with a pair of compression socks.

“Actually, his partner for this mission today is Panda. Not everything is about you, Yuuta." Gojo started walking around Toge's room again, checking under furniture for something. "Your mission for today is to get settled in! Maki is training the first years so you'll have a few hours to yourself! Won't that be fun? You're welcome!" He climbed out from under Toge's bed holding a pair of his sneakers. Fearing the worst, Yuuta sat up again, ready to shield Toge from the oncoming assault, but Gojo mercifully dropped them onto the foot of the bed.

“Panda and I will be waiting for you in thirty minutes, Toge! Up and at 'em!”

From under the pile of clothes, Toge groaned. Yuuta glanced down to see him flipping Gojo off. But when he looked back up, Gojo wasn't paying Toge any mind; he was staring at Yuuta, a frown on his face. Yuuta frowned back, and Gojo turned tail and started walking down the hall, hands in his pockets, whistling away.

Toge groaned again.

It was always almost a little painful watching Toge get up in the mornings. He was definitely not a morning person. He hated getting up. He was always late to morning assembly, and it always took an hour or so for him to actually be awake. He sat up slowly, not bothering to get out of bed to change his shirt. When he had to change his pants, he flopped back down and did some wriggling under the blanket. He didn't actually get out of bed until it was time to leave. He climbed over Yuuta, pushing a hand against Yuuta's chest and shoving him back into the pillow.

“Tsuna mayo," he grumbled as he trudged towards the door. It was both an invitation for Yuuta to stay in bed as long as he wanted, and a complaint that he couldn't do the same.

“Be safe!" Yuuta called after him as he left. A few seconds later, a hand belatedly came in from behind the door, switched off the light, and then shut the door.

Despite Toge's invitation, Yuuta only allowed himself to enjoy the warmth and softness of Toge's comforter for a few more minutes before getting up to tackle a curse of his own. Since no one had been in his room in nearly a year, it was probably filled to the brim with dust. He would have to clean the entire room and wash his bedding, plus find places for all of his souvenirs, and see if he could find hangers somewhere for the new clothes he had collected while he was away.

Yuuta found his bags stacked neatly next to his door. Ijichi must have brought them in for him at some point during the celebrations. He decided that he should probably do something to say thanks, considering his bags were pretty heavy, but all thoughts of Ijichi were immediately abandoned as soon as he opened his door.

Not only was his room not dusty, but it didn't even look like his room. Extra shelves had been brought in, giving him more space to put things. His bed had more pillows and a new, plush navy comforter on it, along with a few new pillows. On his desk sat a framed photo of Maki, Toge, Panda, and Yuuta as first years. There was a small gallery wall of photos of his classmates, including some more recent ones with Megumi, Itadori, and Kugisaki. There was even a poster for a show that Yuuta and Toge had watched together.

Yuuta took a tentative step inside, suddenly worried that he was in someone else's room. But there was no mistaking it. This was his room, just better. More inviting. Somehow, over the year where it had stayed empty, it became more lived in than it had in the months Yuuta was actually in it. Yuuta wondered if this was somehow Ijichi's doing. Maybe Gojo’s.

Then he looked up.

Glow in the dark stars haphazardly littered the ceiling, and everything clicked into place.

Toge was just so kind. It must have taken hours to do this, not to mention the money he must have spent, regardless of whether it was his own or Gojo's. When did he do this? Was this in preparation for all the time he was inevitably about to spend in Yuuta's room, or was it because he wanted Yuuta to come back to a home instead of a house?

With nothing else to do, he started unpacking. Thanks to the new shelf space, it wasn't hard to figure out where to put everything, and he still had room to spare. Extra hangers were already in the closet, proving that Toge thought of everything. The only oversight Yuuta could find was the closet's top shelf. A thick layer of dust coated it, making it look like the only place Toge hadn't touched. Yuuta could imagine him trying to, getting frustrated because he was too short, being too stubborn to ask a taller classmate for help, and then leaving it for "Future Toge" to deal with, who promptly forgot about it. It was endearing. Everything Toge did was just so goddamned endearing.

When Yuuta opened his desk drawer, he found a full set of school supplies. The middle drawer revealed extra chargers and things of that nature. The last drawer housed a few empty picture frames, just waiting for pictures to fill them. Toge had likely bought too many and just left the extras there. It probably wasn't his intention. Still, the empty frames felt like a promise. We will make more memories together, they screamed.

Suddenly, Yuuta was wracked with a coughing fit. He coughed until he was doubled over from the pain in his chest, tears in his eyes. After a minute or two, it stopped as suddenly as it had started. His chest still felt a little heavy, and the base of his throat felt a little sore from where the coughs had forced their way out.

“I think I almost died," he wheezed to no one.

His phone sounded off with a cheerful ding, probably used to its owner almost dying on the daily.

From: Maki

Training on the field. Be here in 30

So much for getting the morning off. Yuuta sighed, but it was with a fond exasperation. He had actually missed Maki's insistence on training bright and early every morning. It was more motivating when she was the one dragging him out of bed instead of Miguel. Plus, Yuuta was excited to show her some of the things he had learned while he was away. His self-worth was in the gutter, but even he could recognize that he had come a long way since they last sparred.

Replying to: Maki

Yes ma’am!

In the end, it felt less like sparring and more like performing. Itadori had a lot of questions about Rika, and even though she tried to act uninterested, even Yuuta could tell that Kugisaki was curious. Megumi had given up on keeping the other two first years in check and was lounging on the steps with a book next to Kugisaki. Itadori and Rika were "sparring," although Rika definitely saw it more as playing.

In the meantime, Yuuta sparred with Maki.

She swung her staff towards his head, but he ducked and jabbed with his own. She twisted just in time to dodge.

“Wow, it's a shame Toge isn't here to see this," she jeered. "He would be so impressed by how big and strong you are now.”

She swung her staff down, and Yuuta lifted his to block it. He laughed. "Oh, no, I don't think so. He—”

It happened again.

He felt something build up in the bottom of his throat for only a second before it forced itself out as a cough. It wracked his entire body, and each cough brought tears to his eyes. Maki took her opportunity to knock him on his ass, but he barely noticed. It felt like he was trying to cough his lungs up. Something actually did come up, but he swallowed and forced it back down, not really eager to puke in front of the first years on day two of knowing them. Faintly, he could hear Kugisaki cheering in the background. He didn't even notice Maki walking away until she returned to shove his water-bottle in his face.

“You good?” She asked.

Yuuta gratefully accepted the bottle. "I'm fine, it's probably just the different air or something. I was coughing earlier too. It'll probably stop once my body gets used to it, or something?" He took a couple of large swigs. The cold water felt great on his throat, but it didn't do much to stop the pain. "Anyway, Toge rejected me.”

Maki scoffed.

Yuuta stared at her.

She frowned. "Really? No, there's gotta be more to it than that. He wouldn’t.”

His chest was starting to hurt again.

“Well, he did, so..." He shrugged helplessly at her, then stood and tossed his bottle to the side. "Come on. Let's go again?”

“Yuuta…”

Yuuta brandished his staff. Maki sighed and got into the ready position.

“I still think you should talk to him," she said. Kugisaki cheered, oblivious to the tea she was missing out on. Yuuta had a feeling Maki would fill her in later. Somewhere in the distance, Itadori and Rika were still playing.

Yuuta swung his staff.

—

By the time dinner rolled around, Toge and Panda had returned from their mission. Yuuta yelped when he saw Toge. It was hard not to. It wasn't an unfamiliar sight by any means, but Yuuta didn't think he'd ever actually get used to seeing blood pooling down Toge's chin. Panda looked a little rough too, with patches of dirt covering him. There was a tear in his arm that Toge had shoddily sewn back together during the car ride home.

As soon as he had washed up for dinner, Toge resumed sticking to Yuuta's side like it was his job, proving to Yuuta that their friendship would remain intact despite his failed confession. It would probably be at least another day or two before he felt confident enough in the fact that Yuuta was there to stay to leave him alone, but Yuuta didn't mind. It was comforting to have his best friend so close after so many months of not having him at all, even if it made his chest hurt a little bit.

He tried not to think about it. For one thing, it was embarrassing to think about being rejected for too long. But more importantly, his chest was starting to really hurt. It was easier to ignore the pain and hope it went away. Maybe he could sleep it off. He really didn't want to worry anyone over something so minor. Unfortunately, his body seemed to have other plans. Approximately halfway through dinner, Yuuta started coughing again. He coughed hard, much harder than he had before. It was a harsh, rattling cough, and it stunned everyone into silence. When he finished, his vision was blurred from tears, and his chest felt like it had torn open.

“Dude, are you okay?" Itadori asked.

“Yeah, it's just the air, it's different from the air I'm used to now. It happened the first few days in Africa, too," Yuuta lied again. It felt like something was trapped in the bottom of his throat. He tried to clear it, but nothing came up.

“Takana?” Toge asked. He looked worried, his lips pulled down in a frown.

“That sounds great," Yuuta said. Toge went to stand, but Yuuta put a hand on his shoulder and pushed him back down. "No, you stay, you just had a mission. I can go get it. You keep it in the same place, right?”

“Shake.” With the confirmation that Yuuta was going to get his own cough syrup, Toge was already reaching for another meatball to shove into his mouth.

“Save me some!" Yuuta demanded. Honestly, the worst part of this might have been that it was delaying the time he could have been spending eating. Itadori was a really good cook.

Toge shrugged in a maybe so, maybe not motion. "Sujiko," he said through a mouth full of food.

“Ew! Don't talk with your mouth full, you pig!" Kugisaki snapped. “You literally have a whole language you can use that doesn’t make you disgusting to be around at the dinner table!”

“Yeah Toge,” Panda said through a mouthful of food. “Mind your manners.”

While Kugisaki fussed, Megumi looked at Itadori with a flat expression. “This is why I don’t respect any of our upperclassmen.”

“Don’t lump me in with those two,” Maki argued as Yuuta started to walk away.

Last night, it was too dark for him to get a good look at Toge's room. He hadn't bothered to in the morning. This time, he really took his time to look around.

Toge's room hadn't changed much over the past few months, but there was a lot of stuff Yuuta didn't recognize. He had a few new manga series on his shelves with a few randomly missing, probably because he let Itadori borrow them. Yuuta opened the top nightstand drawer and found a box of tampons. Toge always kept one in his many pockets in case one of the girls needed one while they were out and about. There was a pair of earbuds that he kept for Megumi too, since the group got too loud for him sometimes. A glasses repair kit. A bottle of fabric freshener spray, with a travel-sized bottle next to it with a panda sticker haphazardly stuck to the side of it.

Toge really cares for everyone. It's obvious. The only reason his pants have so many zipper pockets is because he requested it specifically so that he could carry stuff for his friends. He didn't even start carrying cough syrup for himself until after his first mission with Yuuta. He was always thinking of everyone else instead of himself. It was endearing that he cared so much, but Yuuta wished…

He started coughing again. It was worse this time, and he had to put a hand on Toge's nightstand to brace himself to keep standing upright as he coughed. His vision swam as he choked something up. It felt weirdly solid, in a way that mucus never had. Without any witnesses, he let himself spit it into his hand.

It was a cherry blossom petal.

He stared at it bewildered. He couldn't remember swallowing a petal, especially not for a flower that wasn't even in bloom yet. He frowned, but only wondered about it for a few seconds before the pain in his throat reminded him of why he was here in the first place. Pocketing the petal, he opened the second drawer of Toge's nightstand and pulled out a bottle of cough syrup, and in typical Toge fashion, he downed some of it without measuring it out.

Woah. He forgot how strong Toge's cough syrup always was. It was probably going to knock him out, which would be a welcome change of pace. Hopefully it wouldn't make him drowsy until after dinner. And hopefully someone had saved him some meatballs.

When he got back to the table, the plate of meatballs was empty. Yuuta mourned for a few seconds before Toge nudged him with his elbow and slipped him a small plate with a few on it. As Yuuta thanked him, the pain in his chest worsened a little.

Toge insisted on having another sleepover that night, except this time, they did it in Yuuta's newly decorated room. With the events of the day, Yuuta had actually forgotten about his room's makeover until he stepped inside again. As soon as he shut the door, Toge made a beeline for Yuuta's dresser and opened the very last drawer. Yuuta hadn't bothered to open it before, since he didn't have enough clothes to go in it. Apparently, Yuuta's lack of a wardrobe was a good thing, because Toge had filled it with pajamas of his own. He stared as Toge pulled them out and started changing.

Cute…

As if he could sense Yuuta staring, Toge's head popped up. Yuuta diverted his gaze and started pulling his shirt off before Toge could catch him looking. When he glanced back, Toge was the one staring. They stared at each other for a few seconds, just blinking, before simultaneously snapping their attention back towards their own clothes. In the darkness it was impossible to tell, but Yuuta wondered if Toge's face was as red as Yuuta's was.

His chest started to hurt again. Yuuta ignored it.

They climbed into bed together, Toge taking up his new favorite position. Yuuta's chest still hurt, but with Toge's head resting on it, it felt easier to breathe. Maybe it was Toge's presence. Maybe it was the extra-strength cough syrup. Maybe it was just the relief of being home. Whatever it was, Yuuta was out in mere minutes.

—

When Yuuta woke up, Toge was gone.

It only took him a few seconds to realize why. Toge always woke up extra early on Saturdays to cook breakfast for everyone, despite his hatred of early mornings. Yuuta was surprised that he hadn't been woken up by Toge's alarm, but it made sense once he thought about it for a bit. He was probably still catching up on all the sleep he hadn't been getting while in Africa, and with this weird cough he had going on, his body probably needed more sleep than usual. Still, he should have at least stirred. Toge was the type of person who had to set multiple alarms because of how difficult it was to drag himself out of bed.

But even though he was almost always late to morning assembly, he was never late to making breakfast for everyone.

It was Toge's attempt to make everyone feel normal, at least once a week, with a homemade breakfast. The ability to have a tradition that didn't stem from Jujutsu, and the chance to share a meal with everyone. It was one of the things that Yuuta loved about him the most. Not the fact that he cooks for everyone, but rather, the fact that he wants to have that connection with his classmates. 

Yuuta started coughing again. This time, when he looked down at his hand, he was holding a couple of honeysuckles.

He blinked. Then, he lunged for his pants from yesterday and pulled out the petal from last night. It wasn't even the same kind of flower, which probably meant that he hadn't accidentally swallowed anything weird. And the fact that it had escalated to entire flowers instead of just petals? Yeah. It was time to consult Shoko. He knew that Jujutsu life was weird, but this was officially too weird for his taste.

His phone chimed with a text.

From: Toge <3

are you awake yet

Yuuta grimaced. He didn't want to worry anyone, but especially not Toge. Toge might have been acting like everything was normal between them, but Yuuta could tell that there was something wrong. Maybe Toge actually wasn't okay with Yuuta being in love with him. Whatever the case was, Yuuta had already caused him enough problems to add another on top.

He got dressed and slipped through the halls as stealthily as possible, trying to suppress his cursed energy. He snuck past the kitchen; he could hear Toge humming as things sizzled and popped. It smelled so good that Yuuta actually stopped walking for a second, standing in place and sniffing the air like a cartoon character pulled in by a scent.

When he got to Shoko’s, she didn’t seem surprised to see him.

“Hurt yourself already, Yuuta? I bet you were trying to show off for the first years, weren't you?”

“Wha—no, I…I mean maybe Rika was, but that’s not my—”

She laughed, and Yuuta was suddenly hit with the realization that she was just teasing him. His face turned red.

“I’m just kidding, Yuuta. Welcome back.”

“Um, thanks! I'm not actually hurt, I don't think? I have flowers." She raised an eyebrow. The heat in his face started to flare up again. "Not for you! I mean, I've been coughing, and I just—here!" He shoved the flowers in her direction.

She stared at them.

“I coughed them up,” he explained.

Her eyes moved up from his pathetic offering to level him with a deadpan look.

“From my mouth.”

“I know what you mean, Yuuta.” She put a hand on his chest. He could feel her cursed energy moving around inside him, pooling inside his lungs. She frowned, idly moving her cigarette around in her mouth as she thought. "Weird. I didn't think that was a real thing. But I guess it tracks, since your cursed energy comes from love instead of anger like most people’s.”

Yuuta frowned. "What are you talking about?”

Shoko leaned back in her chair. "Have you ever heard of Hanahaki?”

“Um…” It sounded familiar, but it took a few seconds for Yuuta to realize why. Toge had once told him about a manga he read with that trope. Toge had thought it was a silly concept, but Yuuta remembered thinking at the time that it was devastating. “That fake flower thing?”

“Yes, but specifically, it's a disease that afflicts those with an unrequited love. It grows flowers in their lungs, and eventually, it fully overtakes their chest and kills them.”

Yuuta felt a little faint. “But that’s fake, right?”

Shoko shrugged. “I thought so, but here you are. I don't think anything is too weird for our world.”

“Well…he rejected me, so what? Do I just die now or something?”

Shoko blinked at him. "Toge rejected you?”

Yuuta spluttered. He was halfway around the world, and everyone in this school was still aware of Yuuta’s hopeless crush? "How did you know it was Toge?!”

“Please, Yuuta,” Shoko scoffed. “Everyone but Toge knows it's Toge.”

“Well, he knows now," Yuuta huffed. "It's not that weird. I mean, I would reject me too.”

Shoko shook her head. "No, it is weird, trust me. You should talk to him about it. Partially because I think something is going on, but mostly because you might die if you don’t.”

“Is there another way?” He asked weakly.

“There’s a surgery, but you’re not going to like it,” Shoko said. “I can remove the curse from your chest, but it'll take your memories of Toge with it, along with your feelings. You'll still be able to love. You just won't be able to love Toge again, even once you get to know him again. But at least you'll be alive.”

Yuuta sat with that. Toge had already made it obvious that he didn't like Yuuta back. That left him with the options of surgery or death. And sure, at face value, the surgery seemed like the obvious solution. On the other hand, Yuuta wasn't sure if he could bear to lose his memories of Toge. He was the first person who accepted him at school. He was his best friend. Yuuta honestly didn't know what kind of person he would have become without Toge's positive influence. What if he lost his memories of Toge and became an asshole, and all their friends hated him?

But Toge…

Toge had been through a lot lately. He just got his best friend back; he didn't deserve to lose him again. If Yuuta got the surgery, he might lose Toge, but Toge would still have him. He would have to rekindle his friendship with Yuuta, but Toge was always good at that kind of thing. Yuuta had no doubt that he would be able to befriend Yuuta again. And at least Toge would still have the memories.

“Alright,” Yuuta said. He took a deep breath. “When can we do it?”

They scheduled the surgery for three day's time. "That'll give you enough time to tell whoever you want to tell, and to get more comfortable with the idea," Shoko had said. It was sound reasoning, but Yuuta almost wished they could just get it over with so he could stop thinking about it. The knowledge of it sat heavy in Yuuta's stomach as he made his way to the kitchen.

“Takana?” Toge asked as soon as Yuuta walked in.

Yuuta startled at the question. “I wanted to see her about my cough. She said to just keep taking cough syrup," he lied. "She gave me some so I can stop leeching off your supply. How did you know?”

“Tsuna mayo.”

“He’s right," Maki said. "Your cursed energy is just too abundant. We can feel you halfway across campus.”

Yuuta wilted. Even after regaining his Special Grade status in Africa, he was still shit at suppressing his cursed energy. But as soon as Toge slid him a plate, he forgot about his worries immediately in lieu of shoving food in his mouth. It was really good. He opened his mouth to ask Toge how he had learned to cook, but immediately shut it. He wanted to learn everything he could about Toge, but if he was going to lose all of his memories of him, then what was the point? Maybe he should make a list of questions to ask Toge after the surgery.

How did you learn how to cook?

Toge had a little bit of everything on his plate.

What kind of food do you dislike?

He was still wearing pajamas.

Why do you hate getting up in the mornings?

Toge looked up in time to catch Yuuta staring at him. With his collar unzipped to eat, Yuuta watched Toge's mouth curve up into a smile. He stuck his tongue out at Yuuta.

Why don’t you like me back?

After everyone finished eating, Yuuta offered to help Toge with the dishes. He figured it was the least he could do, given that Toge had just spent time to cook an entire meal for them. Besides, he suddenly felt like he owed Toge a lot. He was about to shove yet another insanely heavy burden onto him.

The towel made a squeaking noise against the plate he was drying. Yuuta grimaced and adjusted his hold on it. He had hoped that after his training in Africa, he'd be able to help his friends. To protect them. To lessen their burdens, not add to them. But he supposed he really was destined to be nothing but a burden. It didn't matter how strong Yuuta got. He would always be a problem for those he cared about. A liability, even.

“Yuuta?”

Yuuta jumped. Toge was staring at him with concern in his eyes again, like he had been doing a lot lately. Yuuta glanced down at his side of the sink, which had accumulated clean dishes fairly quickly. He suspected the dish in his hand had been dry for a while now. He was even falling behind in his dish washing duties. How embarrassing.

“I’m okay,” Yuuta lied. “I was just thinking. Sorry.”

He set the plate down and grabbed another one, trying to focus on it this time. Two plates later, Toge ran out of dishes to clean and started to help Yuuta with his drying efforts. Fuck. He used to be able to keep up. He started trying to dry his dishes a little faster. He was supposed to be helping Toge with the dishes, making it easier, not adding to his workload.

His plate slipped. Yuuta stared as it fell, unable to force himself to make a grab for it. Luckily, Toge's hand shot out with amazing reflexes and caught it. He finished drying it and set it down, then wiped his hands on his pants and stared at Yuuta. It was a scrutinizing look, one that Toge had perfected over the years. It felt like he was staring into Yuuta's soul.

“Tsuna tsuna,” Toge said, jerking a thumb in the direction of the garden.

Yuuta shouldn't have been surprised. When he got too in his head before he left for Africa, Toge would often invite him to help in the garden. It was soothing. But now, it felt painfully ironic, and he didn't think he was in a good headspace to actually be helpful.

But still. It was impossible to say no to Toge.

The garden hadn't changed much in Yuuta's absence either. Or, it probably had changed a lot as the seasons did, but by the time Yuuta returned, it was back to its typical state. There were certain types of flowers that Toge liked to keep planted. Some of them were just easy to maintain, some of them were just aesthetically pleasing, and some of them, Yuuta didn't even know the name of.

“What’s this one?" Yuuta asked, patting down the soil around the bundle that Toge had just instructed him to plant. Toge slid the tag over to him. Gardenia. It was a pretty white flower, and Yuuta could tell why Toge wanted to fill this empty space with it.

Gardening seemed like it would suck. It required kneeling on the ground in the sunlight, getting dirt beneath your fingernails, and there was a lot to take into consideration. Yuuta didn't even know the half of it. He just followed Toge's orders. There was probably a ton of stuff Toge was taking into consideration that Yuuta wasn't, like what time of year to plant things and how much water they needed and what should be planted where. It was honestly impressive that Toge could remember so much.

But somehow, Toge made it fun. When he was sitting next to Yuuta, humming away, the soft soil between Yuuta's fingers was much more enjoyable than the hard dirt he often found himself being thrown onto during training and missions. Toge was wearing his zipper collar, but Yuuta could practically see his smile in his mind, soft and content. Yuuta coughed every so often, and Toge offered him concerned glances and cough syrup. Otherwise, they didn't talk. They didn't need to. Despite being gone for a year, Yuuta remembered the routine, remembered the rules, remembered the times he felt like he was about to fall off the brink and Toge pulled him back with a simple request for help in the garden.

He couldn’t do it.

He didn't want to forget all the times Toge helped him. He didn't want to forget that Toge's favorite color was green for a while but had recently shifted towards purple. He didn't want to forget that Toge only spiked his hair during their first year to piss off his clan by "ruining" his image. He didn't want to forget that Toge's least favorite food was ikura, and that's why it was his equivalent of a curse word.

Part of him always knew that it would turn out like this. That his love would just be too strong one day, that it would literally kill someone. He never really anticipated that someone being him, but that was the best outcome, wasn't it? Better than it killing someone else. Yuuta took a shaky breath as he started to clear away space for the next plant, shoving his fingers deep into the soil to ground himself.

The only issue with this plan is that it would be the worst thing he could do to Toge. He would be furious with him. Toge might never forgive him. But Yuuta wasn't sure if he believed in the after life, anyway. He might not even be cognizant of Toge's anger. If there was an after life, and he and Toge managed to find each other in it, it would be worth having Toge kick his ass for this transgression if it meant they got to spend the rest of eternity together, anyway.

Yuuta furiously wiped his hand on his pants and pulled out his phone.

To: Shoko

Sorry, but I’m going to have to cancel.

His phone rang a few seconds later. Yuuta turned it off.

—

Another day of coughing up flowers.

Another day of spending as much time as possible with Toge.

Another day of frantically hiding petals.

Another day of avoiding Shoko.

Another day of downing cough syrup like soda.

Another day closer to his death.

—

It was only Yuuta's fourth day back, but it was starting to feel like he had never left. Itadori had already taken a really strong liking towards Yuuta, although he suspected Rika played a large part of it. Itadori had started basically treating her like a giant puppy, and it was easier to get Yuuta to summon her than it was to get Megumi to summon his divine dogs. Even Kugisaki liked Yuuta well enough, despite her best efforts to hide it. As for the second years, Yuuta slipped back into their lives seamlessly, save for Toge and the whole love confession debacle.

Even Maki seemed glad to have Yuuta back, but he was starting to suspect it was just because she was glad to have someone closer to her level to spar with.

They seemed pretty equally matched when it came to hand-to-hand without cursed energy. By the time they decided to break, their score was tied, and their fights had inspired Itadori.

“Come on Nobara! Let's spar!”

“Whaaaat? Haven't I done enough today?”

“Megumi, then!”

“No.”

“What!?”

Yuuta shook his head at the first years' antics before flopping down to lay on the stairs. "I don't know how they have so much energy," he said.

“Ikura,” Toge cursed suddenly, and Yuuta propped himself up on an elbow to see him holding his water bottle upside down. It was empty.

“Don’t worry, I'll go by the vending machines real quick," Yuuta said. Toge looked like he wanted to protest, but Yuuta stood, dusting off the back of his pants. He wouldn't hear it. He was going to do as much as possible for Toge before he died. "I'll be right back!”

Honestly, he should have known he wasn't going to get off the hook that easily.

It was easy enough to avoid Shoko, who rarely strayed from her office, but it was a lot harder to avoid your teacher with Six Eyes.

“Yoohoo, Yuuta!" Gojo called from his spot where he was leaning against the vending machine.

Yuuta sighed.

“Hi, Sensei,” he said as normally as possible, pulling his wallet out of his pocket.

“Did you know this school has virtually no patient-doctor confidentiality rules?" Gojo asked the same way one would ask any random fun fact.

Yuuta sighed again. “It’s not surprising," he muttered, punctuating his sentence with the beep from the vending machine. Neither one of them spoke again for a few seconds, the silence only being broken by the sound of Toge's water falling and hitting the bottom of the machine.

“Why don't you just confess to Toge?”

“I did!" Yuuta whirled around, throwing his hands in the air. "I did and he rejected me!”

Gojo looked mildly surprised. "Wow. That's what Shoko said, but I didn't believe her.”

“Well I don't know why it's so hard to believe!”

“Because it's Toge, Yuuta." Gojo put his hand to his chin like he was thinking. "Look, I know Toge better than most people do. Just talk to him again. Ask him about it. There's definitely something you're missing, and I would rather if you didn't die on me.”

Yuuta grabbed the water bottle from the vending machine and resisted the urge to chuck it at Gojo's head. "It's not going to make a difference. He looked straight up horrified when I confessed. Like, it was bad."

Gojo snapped his fingers as if he'd figured something out. "In that case, you definitely have to talk to him! Sensei's orders!”

“Do regular schools get this invested in their students' love lives?" Yuuta groaned.

“Probably not!” Gojo chirped.

“Fine! Whatever! I'll ask!" Yuuta started stalking away back towards the training field. "But I'm not mentioning the stupid flower thing! I don't want to guilt trip him into dating me.”

Gojo cheered.

Yuuta threw the bottle.

—

Sure. Maybe inviting Toge to a botanical garden was cliché and ironic, given his current circumstances. In Yuuta's defense, Toge talked about wanting to visit one all the time, but had never taken the initiative to go. Yuuta wondered if it was because he was too shy to ask their other classmates since no one was as interested in flowers as he was. Selfishly, he hoped it was because Toge wanted his first trip there to be with him.

Either way, it was a good decision. Toge was having the time of his life, completely oblivious to Yuuta's plight. And if he was going to die, he liked that he would get to see Toge so happy one last time. Toge was running around the garden, excitedly pointing out different plants to Yuuta, talking about which ones he wanted to plant in the garden one day and which ones he had vetoed and why. Yuuta had never seen Toge so talkative. He even indulged Toge in allowing him to take a bunch of selfies with him, the flowers serving as beautiful, natural backdrops. Yuuta was painfully aware of the couples in the garden that were doing the same thing, but he tried to put it out of his mind and keep his focus on Toge.

God. Yuuta could drown in how much he loved Toge. The way the sunlight bounced off his hair, the way his eyes sparkled with excitement, the way he started to bounce with anticipation if Yuuta held him in one spot for too long before letting him free to go rush to another part of the garden. His chest physically hurt from how much he loved Toge, although he suspected it could just be the curse. Either way, this was a kind of pain he could endure forever.

And it was seriously painful. While Toge ran off ahead, Yuuta hacked up another flower. He actually felt a little faint with how hard he had coughed. He would never look at cats again the same way. He went to shove it into his pocket out of habit, but hesitated, staring at it. It was red with some yellow bits sticking out in the middle. He couldn't remember what it was called.

“Yuuta!”

He quickly shoved it into his pocket before Toge turned the corner.

“What did you find?”

“Tsuna tsuna!” Toge said, too excited to sign. He was wearing a mask, but Yuuta could tell he was grinning as he grabbed Yuuta's hand and pulled. Yuuta let himself be dragged around as Toge pointed to flower after flower.

When Toge eventually let go of Yuuta’s hand, it was so he could sign. “Did you know flowers have a language?”

Yuuta frowned. "Like, they talk to each other?”

Toge laughed, and Yuuta felt his face go a little red even as the butterflies in his stomach started up again.

“No, different flowers have different meanings. It's basically a whole language.”

“Oh. Well, what about...cherry blossoms?" He asked, recalling the first flower petals he had ever coughed up.

“Kindness.”

“Hmm…and what about honeysuckles?”

Toge considered that one for a minute. "I think generosity?”

They started walking again, and Yuuta started pointing out all of the flowers that he had been coughing up lately. A lot of the flowers he had grown had meanings that described the things he liked about Toge.

“Poppies?”

“The white ones are for celebrating and the red ones are for having fun.”

“Pansies?”

“Thoughtfulness.”

“Azaleas.”

“Patience.”

“Anenomes?”

“Sincerity.”

A lot of them just described Yuuta and how he felt.

“White lilies?”

“Purity.”

“Sweet pea?”

“Goodbyes.”

“Violets?”

“Honesty.”

Yuuta pulled out the flower he had coughed up earlier.

“What about this one?”

“That one's a camellia for love.”

Yuuta shook his head. "They all have such simple meanings.”

“Not all of them. The one in your hand also means a graceful death.”

Oh. How fitting.

“I don't see any in this area, though. Did you pick that up off the ground? There's a bunch of them on the other side of the garden. Come on, we can check them out before we leave.”

Toge turned to head towards the camellia display. Yuuta's hand moved faster than his brain, reaching out and grabbing Toge by the wrist. For half a step, Toge stumbled, but he recovered quickly. When he turned and looked at Yuuta with wide, confused eyes, Yuuta's mouth went dry.

“Takana?” Toge asked, tilting his head to the side a bit.

If Yuuta was right, it would literally kill him, but he had to ask. Maybe this wasn't as intense as what he had done to Rika, but it still felt wrong and binding. Rika didn't get a choice. Toge deserved one.

“You don't have to do this, you know." Yuuta dropped Toge's wrist, letting his arm hang limply at his side. "Be my friend, I mean? I can't really do much about the classmates thing, but I don't want you to hang out with me just because you feel bad for me or something. Or, if you still want to hang out, we don't have to be as close as we used to be just because I'm in love with you. If you want distance, that's okay.”

Toge looked bewildered. He shook his head quickly, his hair shaking into a bit of a mess with the movement. "You're my best friend. I don't want to stop being friends with you. Did I do something to make you think that?”

Yuuta thought about how sad Toge looked when they agreed to stay friends, but then he looked at how worried Toge looked now and said, "No, not really, I just—I don't know. You're so kind. It seems like something you'd do. And it wouldn't be the first time I've accidentally coerced someone into staying with me against their will." He laughed in an attempt to play it off, but it sounded hollow, even to him. "I mean, I'm sure that's at least a part of why you rejected me. I get it. I wouldn't want to date me either. Not with the whole curse thing. And I'm always simultaneously too much and not enough and—”

And there it was. That same sad look in Toge's eyes.

“You’re not too much," Toge signed. He hesitated, his eyes darting around like he was trying to look at anything except Yuuta. "I'm just…not enough.”

“...What?”

“You’re literally overflowing with love, but it's not too much. You're not too much. But you deserve better, someone who doesn't have to be so careful, someone who can be real and authentic. You deserve more than a half-assed shadow of a relationship.”

He still wouldn't look up, his gaze fixated on his shoes.

“Wha—half-assed? Are you serious? Toge, you're so—" Yuuta reached around Toge and grabbed the handle on his backpack, whirling him around to unzip it. He stuck his hand in and started pulling stuff out, dropping each item on the ground as he went. "Earbuds for Megumi, glasses kit for Maki, lipgloss for Kugisaki, fabric spray for Panda, a ring for Kugisaki, a—”

“Okaka,” Toge quietly interjected. He was staring straight ahead, his shoulders tense. "Tsuna mayo.”

Yuuta blinked. “For me?”

Toge pulled his arms out of the backpack straps, leaving the bag hanging from Yuuta's hand, and turned so that they were face to face. The blush on his face was so strong that it was creeping up into view from behind his mask. "It's an anxiety ring. I was going to give it to you, but then I rejected you and thought giving you a ring would send some pretty mixed signals. But you used to fidget with Rika's ring when you were nervous, so..." Toge trailed off for a second, looking awkward. "It spins?”

Yuuta rubbed his thumb over it. It did spin, and if his head wasn't spinning with it, he probably would have spent a while just fiddling with it. He looked up at Toge, who kind of looked like he was about to cry, and then he looked down at the literal manifestations of Toge's love scattered on the ground between them. He couldn't wrap his mind around it. How could Toge think that his love didn't mean anything? How could Toge not see what Yuuta saw?

He dug through Toge's bag again. Tampons, a collapsible hairbrush, lens wipes, some granola bars, hair ties, a tiny first-aid kit, a ticket stub from a movie he saw with Itadori because no one else would.

“The only things you have in here for yourself are your wallet and masks, and even the masks are meant to help others to protect them from your cursed speech, so really—I mean, you have cough drops in here, so I guess that counts, but—”

“Okaka,” Toge cut in again. He gestured towards Yuuta. "Those are for you, too. Because you've been coughing a lot lately.”

He didn't know what to say. How do you convince someone of something so obvious? How do you convince someone the sky is blue if saying Just look at it isn't enough?

“This is going to sound stupid, but…there’s like five love languages or whatever, and you're fluent in all of them," Yuuta started. He dropped to his knees and started putting Toge's stuff back into his bag. "I know you can't explicitly say the words 'I love you,' but you don't need to. Even when you use your onigiri words, we can hear the fondness in your voice. We can see the adoration on your face when you sign. Nothing about your love is half-assed—not to me, not to Maki or Panda or the first-years—and I'm so lucky to be someone you love, even if it's just platonically. We all are."

Yuuta stood up and dusted the dirt off his pants. "I mean...you care for everyone else so much that you forget to care for yourself." He pulled a bottle of Toge's cough syrup out of his pocket and dropped it into the bag before holding it out to him, looking down. "I don't know how to make you see what I see, but everyone else sees it. You're the only one who doesn't.”

A full minute passed in silence. Yuuta stared at a flower the entire time until a sound ripped his attention away, back towards Toge. A sniffle. Toge was staring at him with watery eyes and sniffling.

“Oh my god," Yuuta said, suddenly wracked with guilt. It wasn't his place to say any of that. Toge probably thought that Yuuta was just trying to convince him to date him. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to—hang on, here, look—" Yuuta dug through Toge's bag again and pulled out a pack of tissues, a remnant of his movie night with Itadori, who always cried during sad scenes. He thrust them towards Toge, who pulled his mask down to blow his nose.

Briefly, Yuuta remembered the time Toge had a cold in their first year, when he was still so nervous about his cursed speech that he refused to pull his scarf down for any reason, and Gojo had to buy him a week's worth of new ones because he kept getting snot on them. Toge wouldn't even eat with everyone back then, taking his meals to the other side of the room just in case he let a word slip. Yuuta remembered the look of horror on Toge's face after he accidentally laughed out loud in front of Yuuta for the first time, and the apologies that came after. "It's okay," Yuuta had said, "Laughter isn't a command." But to Toge, it didn't matter that laughter wasn't a command. He thought that it was too easy to get lost in, and he was more likely to slip up if he was caught up in the throes of a laughing fit.

Yuuta had never heard Toge slip up before.

Toge had come so far since then. Not just in his technical ability, but in his willingness to trust himself and his control. He ate meals with everyone, with his mask down, even if he did still keep it on most of the time. Yuuta didn't know how someone who willingly subjected himself to a gross, snotty prison every day for a week could possibly feel like he wasn't loving enough. He didn't understand how Toge could think he wasn't a good enough friend.

Suddenly, Yuuta realized he might not know Toge as well as he thought he did. He thought that maybe Toge didn't think he was good enough. And sure, maybe that was part of it. But things were beginning to click in Yuuta's mind. All of the times Toge had turned down help or favors, so nonchalantly...was it because… 

“Toge…”

Toge looked up slowly, hesitant to meet Yuuta's eyes. He had tears going down his face, but he was being so quiet. He wasn't like Yuuta, whose tears were usually accompanied by choked sobs and stuttering breaths. Even when he cried, Toge tried to make himself as small and quiet as possible, all for the sake of others.

This was going to sound so stupid if Yuuta was wrong. But he needed Toge to know that he deserved friends, and he deserved a romantic relationship, if that's what he wanted. Even if it wasn't Yuuta.

“You…you know you deserve to be loved, right?"

Toge's hand flew to his mouth as he made a choked sound.

"Oh, Toge, I'm so sorry," Yuuta said. He grabbed Toge and pulled him against his chest. "I'm so sorry I never noticed before."

Toge's shoulders shook with silent sobs, and Yuuta could tell his hand was still pressed firmly against his mouth as he desperately tried to force down any noise.

"It's okay," Yuuta said, running his hand through Toge's hair. He was still wearing Toge's backpack. If only it was this easy to shoulder all of Toge's burdens. "We all love you, Toge. And we know you love us back. And you deserve it. You deserve more love than we could give you, you know?”

Yuuta used the hand that was running through Toge's hair to lift his chin, forcing Toge to make eye contact with him. He wanted Toge to see how serious Yuuta was, just in case his words weren’t convincing enough. 

“You deserve the love that you want," Yuuta said. Realizing the potential implications of this, he backpedaled a bit. "Even if it's not mine," he amended. "But you care about everyone else so much. Let us care for you, too. I know there isn't anything we could do that could properly repay you for everything you do for us, but...at least let us try?”

Toge stared up at Yuuta, his chin still in Yuuta’s hand, looking like he was processing all of this new information. Yuuta maintained eye contact the entire time, trying to prove how much he meant it. He was still holding Toge tightly against his chest, and he vaguely wondered if Toge was able to feel his heartbeat.

The silence stretched on for what felt like eternity before Toge nodded. Yuuta smiled down at him, relieved that at least for now, his message had been received. Speaking from experience, one pep talk isn’t enough to fix someone’s self-esteem. But Yuuta was back home. He would remind Toge every day until he didn’t need him to anymore.

“Good,” Yuuta said. “I’m glad that—”

All of a sudden, Toge grabbed the front of Yuuta's jacket and yanked him down, smashing their lips together. Yuuta tried to gasp, but with his mouth currently occupied, he sucked in a breath through his nose. His eyes shut almost instantly, and for a few seconds, his hand found its way back to Toge’s hair as he reveled in the moment.

Then his brain caught up with him and he pushed Toge away.

“Wait, wait, wait, I don't want—I only want this—" He gestured vaguely between the two of them. "—if you want it.”

“If you're okay with...this," Toge signed before gesturing towards his mouth, "I want it.”

It was a little difficult to think straight. He stared at the earnest expression on Toge’s face, trying to make sure that he wasn’t lying or that it wasn’t a dream.

“I’m so okay with it,” Yuuta whispered. He cupped Toge’s cheeks in his hands and leaned down to kiss him again. When he pulled away, he kept their faces close, just in case he decided to kiss him again. “You’re perfect. Everything about you is perfect.”

Toge beamed at him.

“Well…except the way you kissed me.”

Toge’s mouth dropped open and his eyebrows furrowed together in disbelief.

“It kind of hurt. You're kind of bad at this.”

Toge spluttered for a few seconds, turning a deep shade of red. Yuuta laughed and pulled Toge in against his chest again.

“Okaka!”

—

Yuuta jumped over Maki's staff as she swung it, but when he brought his own down, she managed to dodge to the side.

“The next time you’re basically on your deathbed, can you actually tell us about it instead of just accepting your fate or some bullshit?!” she snapped.

Yuuta laughed awkwardly as he ducked below Maki’s staff. “I probably would have told you eventually, maybe…”

“What, you mean when you’re one foot in the grave?” she scoffed. “Whatever. I’m glad you two idiots were able to work it out. I knew there was no way Toge would reject you without a stupid reason.”

"Yeah, well, all it took was a literal deadly curse and a really annoying teacher." He jabbed his staff at her and nearly got her in the forehead, but she threw her head back and Yuuta missed by a few centimeters.

Her foot came up to kick the staff out of his hand. “So how did he take it when you told him about it?”

Yuuta jumped backward a few feet to put some distance between them. “Um…”

“Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding me,” Maki groaned as she planted her staff on the ground and leveled him with a withering glare. “Seriously?”

“I think he would feel bad about it!” Yuuta protested weakly. “Plus, he kept one of the flowers, and he’d probably be, like, really grossed out if he found out where it came from!”

"Knowing how much of a fucking gremlin he is, he probably wouldn't be fazed. He's stupid in love with you.”

Even though he knew it was true, hearing someone else say that Toge was in love with him out loud made Yuuta’s heart stutter and his cheeks go pink. He looked over at his boyfriend. Toge was sitting on the steps with the first years, conducting his typical duty as official score keeper. He pulled down his collar to smile as he waved at Yuuta. Yuuta felt a dopey grin take over his face, but before he could wave back, Maki jabbed him hard enough in the chest to knock him flat on his back. All the air rushed out of him as he hit the ground, and he turned his head to the side just in time to see Toge hold up Maki's sign with a wink.

Yuuta had never been happier.