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Jimmy had always felt left out. It wasn't on purpose, and he knew his friends didn't mean to leave him out, and really, it was nobody's fault other than his own.
It didn't matter; he still felt left out.
All his life, he'd been surrounded by people who were obsessed with romance. Or people who cared about it, even just a bit. People who sought out partners, got into relationships as if it was easy, who saw their future walking down the aisle.
Jimmy never understood what the big deal was with romance. After not feeling a "spark" throughout his teenage years, he'd decided that the type of love people saw in the movies was fake, and that people must be pretending to feel like that.
Maybe being someone's boyfriend was a step above being someone's best friend. They both had "friend" in the name, and Jimmy didn't think there could be much difference between being someone's friend and being someone's partner.
So when his brother, Grian, finally found himself a boyfriend, Jimmy couldn't help but ask a few questions about it.
"So… Why Scar?" He asked, trying to take note of the changes in Grian's expression, in the subtle things that were supposed to give away the feeling of "romance". The grin that appeared on his face, the look in his eye… Jimmy had never looked liked that. Never felt like that. How did it feel?
"He's just great. Once you find the right person, you just… Know. Always."
"You just know." Jimmy echoed. "What does it feel like?"
Grian laughed. "C'mon, Tim, surely you've felt love before. Alright, it's like… You become dependent on them. I guess? Your stomach starts doing backflips around them, and you feel nervous every time you try and talk to them. You focus on the little things, details you'd never focus on with another person. You want to spend more time with them, and," Grian shrugged, "you just love them."
"That sounds awful." Jimmy blurted out, realising he should not have said that. "Sorry. I'm sure it's great, Grian, and as long as you're happy…"
Grian gave him a look, and sat up in his chair. "You- you seriously haven't been in love before." It was a statement, not a question.
"Well, no, but-"
"Scar's got a party this weekend. He was gonna invite you anyway, but we could help set you up with someone."
Jimmy was shaking his head before Grian had even finished speaking. "No- No, Grian, you really don't have to-"
But Grian was already smiling, and Jimmy could almost see the plan coming together in his head. Great. There wasn't any backing out of this, was there? He didn't need a wingman, he didn't need a relationship, and he'd rather spend his evening at home than going to some stupid party full of people he hardly knew.
"Lizzie's gonna be there." Grian said. Ok, maybe he knew some people who were going. "So that means Joel will be too. Scott as well. Didn't he have a thing for you back in the day? We could try that… Look, what I'm saying is you won't be alone if things go sour. Just try it. Worst case scenario, you have some fun! Best case, we find you someone."
"I don't want someone." Jimmy said, but it sounded weaker this time.
"Everyone wants someone."
That night, Jimmy struggled to sleep. He'd never overthought something as much as he was overthinking romance that night.
The thought of having only one person who was your number one, who Jimmy confided in, and who confided in Jimmy in return sounded isolating. Out of all the amazing people he spent his time with, he'd have one to be his most important? It wasn't fair to the others, and he didn't want to have to spend less time with lots of people in order to maintain a relationship with one.
On the other hand, not having a partner also felt isolating. What if everyone around him wound up in a relationship lime that? Prioritised their partner over him? Would he be left behind, second best in everyone's eyes. Maybe having someone to love him unconditionally wouldn't be so bad.
And that word — unconditional — was important. In the movies, in the relationships he'd seen over the years, the special relationships consisted of people who stuck by each other no matter what. They understood each other, and even when they got into fights, they always ended with apologies and love. That promise, to be by someone and see their point of view no matter what, sounded so perfect yet so unachievable. Was there someone in the world who would find Jimmy so important that he could do almost anything and be met with forgiveness? Was there someone who Jimmy would see that way, eventually?
It sounded like a recipe for disaster. It sounded heavenly. It sounded complicated. It sounded simple.
It sounded like something everybody had, except for Jimmy. Was there something wrong with him? A blockade in his head, resulting in him feeling nothing when it came to romance.
Maybe Jimmy was broken.
After not getting that much sleep, Jimmy was still undecided as to whether or not he was going to go. He was close with Scar, and some of the others who were going, but the thought of spending his evening with Grian trying to wingman didn't feel right. Furthermore, Grian had insisted that he "dress up" for the party, which sounded fun, but he'd much rather dress up for himself, not some potential boyfriend he didn't even know yet.
Well, boyfriend or girlfriend. Jimmy didn't know who he was into, assuming that he was probably just bisexual because, well, he found both men and women attractive, when he could just watch from a distance. He'd never been up close to any gender for long enough to figure things out like that. Whoever Grian told him to go to, he'd go to, and he'd figure things out from there.
Grian:
wait whos going
in case i dont end up finding anyone
i dont wanna be alone or anything
Uhh wait
Scar sent me the list earlier ill figure out which ones you know
Me, Pearl, Joel, Lizzie, BigB, Scott
I think thats it?
bigbs going?
Scars brothers got a thing for him or something
I know its not his usual place but that just means you wont be alone
true true
thanks grian
He knew people. None of those looked like potential partners, which was fine. Grian would probably set him up with one of Scar's friends, and maybe he'd feel that cinema "spark", and that missing part of him would show its face, and he'd be normal.
"Oh my god." He said softly, smiling widely. "I'd be normal."
In that moment, Jimmy decided to go. That was where people got together, wasn't it? Under the dim lights with loud music playing, coupled with a drink or two for courage. Maybe he'd see someone from across the room, and it'd click that, all this time, it was them that Jimmy was looking for.
Excitement coursed through his veins, and he started choosing an outfit to wear that weekend.
The day of the party, Jimmy got up early. Which he soon regretted, realising he now had the entire day to kill. He made himself breakfast and a coffee, googling articles about love, and crushes, and how to know if you liked someone.
What he found wasn't too helpful — typically boiling down to the classic "you just know" that he was tired of — and the helpful sources he did find seemed to contradict each other. Either he became incredibly nervous, or incredibly confident. Either he'd feel an instant spark or he'd try to avoid them.
So really… He did just have to know. Which felt stupid, and he refused to believe that the most common emotion in human history didn't have a clear "feeling" to it. Slowly, Jimmy began to realise that the reason nobody had it documented was because everyone knew it. Everyone except for him. It was an exclusive club that he hadn't quite earned access to, but he'd occasionally peek in through the window and long for it.
While he was researching, he came across the term "asexual" once or twice, but he didn't think to google it. He was bisexual, he'd figured that out years ago, and besides, his issue was less with the physical side of things, and more with the romantic side.
Not that he wanted to be physical with anyone, but he'd always sort of assumed that nobody wanted that straight away. People normally got close to someone, fell in love with them before engaging in anything else. That's why Jimmy had never wanted to kiss someone on the first meeting — he wasn't close enough with them yet.
Later that day, he finished getting ready, wearing a red and black plaid shirt over a graphic tee. He'd also taken the time to put some eyeliner on, not really knowing if it would be noticeable or not, but figuring that he was supposed to put in some effort for these things.
Taking one last look in the mirror, Jimmy was happy with what he saw. He looked good. Good enough for someone to take notice in him? He hoped so.
Wanting to feel some sense of normalcy, he decided that he would just see what happened with the first person to give him any attention, and if it went south… He didn't think about that. This was going to go well.
When he arrived, he bumped into a few people he recognised, and immediately made a beeline for Grian, who was talking with Scar.
"Hey. I decided to come." He gave a small smile, not quite feeling comfortable where he was yet, but hoping that, as the night went on, he got used to the setting, his outfit, the people, and more.
"Jimmy!" Scar lit up. "You look good."
Grian batted him on the shoulder. "That's my brother."
"And?" Scar laughed, and Jimmy laughed with him, if only because it was getting Grian more annoyed. "I'm allowed to think he looks good."
"You're not allowed to think anyone looks good." Grian grumbled. Scar waved it off like a joke, but Jimmy saw the way Grain's hand tightened around Scar's.
Jimmy never understood that. What was so wrong with a person's partner finding something else attractive? They were meant to be loyal to you, it didn't matter what someone else looked like. It was another reason he'd never understood cheating. If you weren't happy in the relationship, you could just leave.
On the other side of the room, Jimmy saw a small group of men he didn't recognise chatting amongst themselves and laughing. One of them he knew to be Scar's brother, but beyond that, he had no clue.
"Who are they?" He asked, a small frown on his face in confusion.
Grian, grateful for the change in topic, went behind Jimmy and put his hands on Jimmy's shoulders. "They are the people you're gunning for."
"Really?" Jimmy squinted, trying to get a better look at them. None of them really caught his eye, but the shorter of the group, a blonde in a red jacket, turned around and made eye contact with him. Embarrassed, Jimmy turned his head away, and when he looked back, the guy had turned his head away.
"Scar! Scar, I caught Jimmy looking at Tango."
Who? "Wha- what are you talking about? Who's Tango?"
Grian spun him back around, and Jimmy hated the grin that had snuck its way onto Grian's face. "Aw, look, he's getting flustered!"
"No, I'm not flustered, I'm just confused-" Jimmy found his voice rising, getting more and more defensive.
"Tango, huh?" Scar interjected. "Not bad."
"No! No, not Tango, I- I don't know!" Jimmy held his hands out, taking a step away from Grian. "Ok? I haven't even met those guys, let me figure that out first."
Grian went silent, and exchanged a look with Scar. "You can admit he's handsome though, right?"
"...I don't-" Jimmy looked back at the group, finding that once again Tango was looking at him. He was good looking, from a distance. Like everyone. Maybe this would be the one, maybe this time Jimmy would understand what the big deal was about romance. Tango wasn't ugly by any means, and maybe that was all it took. "Fine. Yes, Tango looks good. Is that enough?"
"He's still in denial." Grian said, in the same way he'd speak about a child. Jimmy looked back at Tango again, realising that now he had a target, he actually needed to speak to them. Great.
"I'm gonna go get a drink." Jimmy said, leaving Grian and Scar to do… Whatever it is they were going to do. He wouldn't be surprised if when he came back, they were talking to Tango, trying to pitch Jimmy to him or something. The thought made him shudder.
Drink in hand, Jimmy realised that Grian and Scar were still in their own little corner, joined by Mumbo now, and he felt their eyes on him. Too many eyes, all at once, he felt like every action would be scrutinised and judged and mocked until he decided he'd never come out of his comfort zone like this again. He took a sip of his drink, hoping it'd give him confidence, and walked up to Tango.
"Hey." He swallowed, not sure what else to say. He looked away, finding the eye contact too intimidating, and saw Grian giving him a thumbs up. Perfect. "You were staring at me earlier." Nope, nope, that sounded creepy, what was wrong with him, he was supposed to be flirting — was he? — so why was he messing up so badly?
"Well, uh, it almost looked like you were staring first." Tango's voice wasn't what he expected. For someone as short as him, his voice was too deep.
"Oh, I wasn't meaning to stare at you, my brother Grian, he, uh…" He trailed off, not knowing if he should actually share that or not. Jimmy found that he knew a lot less than he thought he did. Screw it. He might as well let out what's on his mind; if tango was a potential match, he wouldn't be put off by whatever Jimmy might say. And maybe if he messed up, Grian would leave him alone. "He thinks I should start dating someone, and he said I'd find someone in this group?"
"Tango's the only single one here." One of the other guys, who had previously been talking amongst themselves, chimed in. "Well, except for Bdubs, but we all know-"
"Shut up, Impulse." Bdubs glared at him.
"Let's leave them alone, shall we?" The one called Impulse said with a laugh, dragging away Bdubs and the taller guy there.
"So…" Jimmy laughed awkwardly. "Just us now, huh?"
"Just us." Tango confirmed with a nod. "I'm Tango, by the way."
"I know." Jimmy's face burned with shame. It was normal to be embarrassed around the guy you liked, wasn't it? That was probably why he felt nervous. Not the "talking to a stranger", or the three pairs of eyes still fixated on him. It was probably Tango, yeah. "Grian told me. Sorry."
A long silence stretched out between the two of them, until Tango cleared his throat and said: "Are you… Gonna tell me your name?"
"Oh! Oh, I'm Jimmy. Nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too. So, how do you know Scar?"
Jimmy took a sip from his drink. "Uh, his boyfriend's my brother. So." He shrugged. "I didn't exactly want to come."
"Yeah, you said he forced you to come to find a guy or something."
Jimmy felt another wave of embarrassment hit him hard. "Yup, that's what's happening. Grian seems to think that it's a problem that I've never been in love with anyone before. I don't see the issue. Relationships have always felt like a big of a pain to me, y'know?"
"So you're the type to get with a guy and dump him quickly?" Tango nodded in understanding, but really, he didn't understand. "I respect that."
"No, that's not what it is. I just don't have an interest in getting with anyone right now. In any way."
"And yet you're here." Tango said, making a good point. If Jimmy really wasn't looking for a relationship, surely he'd have just said no to Grian and moved on?
"Uh, I am, yeah." His fingers curled tighter around his drink, the room feeling far too stuffy around him.
"Well… If you don't find anyone else tonight, how about I give you my number? That way you've got something to show to your brother if he asks."
"Yeah, alright." Jimmy sighed with relief. Grian would leave him alone now. And, as much as he didn't feel any sort of "spark" with Tango, these things took time, right? Sooner or later, Jimmy would fall in love. He couldn't imagine a life where he didn't, as much as he couldn't exactly imagine a life where he did. Everyone fell in love. It was just a part of life, a part that Jimmy wasn't exempt from.
Tango entered his number into Jimmy's phone, and Jimmy, believing his mission to be accomplished, walked back over to Grian.
"Hey, Tim." Grian said in a sing song voice. "Did it go well?"
"Yeah, I guess." He shrugged, realising that Grian seemed to care more about his love life than he did. "He gave me his number, which is a good sign, I think."
"He gave you his number?!" Gem, who had seemingly appeared out of nowhere, asked excitedly. "Jimmy, that's amazing!"
Seriously, where had she come from? "Hey, Gem." Jimmy waved, pointedly ignoring the eager ears waiting to hear more.
"Were you two flirting?" Scar asked, the moment they fell into silence.
"No."
"They were." Gem interjected smugly. "I walked past them, they were talking about relationships."
"Well, we were, but that was only because we were-"
Grian cut him off. "So you were talking about relationships with the Tango who you definitely don't have a thing for."
"I don't!" He already knew his protests would fall on deaf ears, so why did he even bother? "I've known him for about ten minutes, it'd be a miracle if I felt something so quick."
"I had a thing for Grian the night we first met." Scar said playfully, causing Grian's face to go red. "He's staring at you by the way, Jimmy. Tango, not Grian."
"…huh?" Jimmy wasn't paying attention anymore, too preoccupied with what Scar had just said: when Scar and Grian met, they'd had a supposed thing for each other. Which went against everything Jimmy thought he knew about relationships. If it were possible for people to have that instant spark without actively putting in the effort to create it, was Jimmy well and truly broken?
No. No, he wasn't, he was fine, and he'd hang out with Tango until that spark made itself known or he'd force it to appear himself.
Once again, Jimmy had a sleepless night thinking about relationships. This time, though, his time was spent analysing the conversation he'd had with Tango, trying to figure out the difference between nerves and a crush. Tango was a cool guy, and Jimmy could appreciate that he was good-looking, but did that mean he wanted to be with Tango? He was unsure.
At the end of the day, Jimmy wasn't overly attached to Tango. If he did want to try this out for a few days, maybe even weeks, and figured out if this was what he wanted or not, what was the harm? Either he decided that he didn't have a thing for Tango, and as a result, he'd break things off, no harm done, or he'd stay with Tango, and this would be a good decision.
Sure, maybe Tango would be hurt if Jimmy wound up leading him on or something, and that would get back to Grian or Scar, but that was a bridge Jimmy would cross when he got to it.
And then Jimmy got an idea, something that felt obvious with hindsight, he could try being Tango's friend first. Use that as a sort of trial, to see how a relationship with him would really look. And, as he'd thought time and time again, he would wait to develop feelings for Tango, and he'd really try. Maybe that was what he was missing — he just didn't try hard enough to connect with someone like that. Scar had said that he and Grian had been attracted to each other since the start, but that had to be just exaggeration. They just... Thought each other looked good from a distance, like Jimmy had found himself thinking many a time.
Yeah. That had to be it.
The morning after the party, Jimmy woke up, still tired from staying out later than he normally would. When he checked his phone on instinct, not expecting any notifications, he remembered with a jolt that he'd have to message Tango soon if he wanted to keep this thing going.
Tango (i think??):
Hey!
It's Jimmy
Sorry I haven't message you yet, I slept in
I don't normally stay out late for parties like that XD
He wasn't expecting a response any time soon, but Tango responded instantly. It reminded him a bit of the way Grian would drop everything to text Scar, a stupid grin on his face that Jimmy would tease him for relentlessly. Did Tango have a matching grin on his own face? The thought made Jimmy feel... Weird. Weird in a way that he didn't exactly have a name for. It felt similar to guilt, but it wasn't exactly like he had anything to be guilty for, right?
i get that
i stayed out wayyyy later than you did i think
it was nice to meet you, though! wanna meet up next week?
im free on friday
Friday. Jimmy had plans on Friday, didn't he? With Grian? He'd just have to tell Tango no, and... That wasn't exactly putting in the effort, was it? Grian would cancel his plans for Scar, Jimmy guessed, and either way, Grian would probably encourage Jimmy to spend the time with Tango instead.
I'm free on Friday too! See you then
He'd had half a mind to put a small heart emoji at the end, the type that he'd see when peeking over Grian's shoulder, but it felt a bit disingenuous, and based on the shows he'd watch when he got bored, it was way too soon for that. He didn't want to mess up his only chance at normality because he didn't know what he was doing.
Grian:
Tango wants to meet up on Friday
ok??? why are you messaging me
We had plans on Friday?
oh did i forget to cancel those? Scar had a date night planned or something
Right
i can feel your judgement
this is gonna be you soon tim
and then ill be the one judging
You'd judge me anyway
i would
if you need help with friday dont message me, message pearl or gem or something
they helped me get scar and im pretty sure pearls friends with tango
Jimmy didn't want to just flit from person to person, hearing various different pieces of advice from all sorts of people, but what other choice did he have? Stumble in the dark and pray he was following the right path? Lose this opportunity, lose Tango? So he called Pearl.
"Grian said you had good dating advice."
He heard a laugh crackle through the speaker. "Why? Are you going on a date, Jimmy?"
"Uh- maybe? I'm not sure."
"Hm." A long stretch of silence, in which Pearl was probably coming up with some guidance. Something wise, knowing her. "Do you want to go on a date?"
Ok, that wasn't what he expected. Jimmy had no idea what point she was making. "Yeah?"
"Why?"
Oh. That hit harder than he thought it would. Why? Why did he want this? "Because I like Tango." The words barely sounded convincing to himself.
"Why?"
"Um..." Jimmy struggled to find a reason, mind flashing back to their ten minute conversation, as something akin to anxiety settled in his stomach. "He's good looking?"
Pearl sighed, and Jimmy could picture the look on her face perfectly. "Look, if you don't want to have a relationship with Tango, that's ok. You know that, right?"
"I do! I know. I want a relationship."
"Do you want one with Tango, or do you want one for the sake of it?"
Jimmy laughed. "Why- why would I get into a relationship for the sake of it?"
"I dunno. You tell me."
"Stop it." Jimmy said forcefully, not liking the way Pearl was getting into his head. He wasn't here for that, he was here for proper advice. "Just help me out."
"I can't help you out if your plan is to hurt Tango."
Jimmy sputtered; where the hell had that come from? "I'm not- fine! Fine, I'm just going to hang out with him and be his friend, and honestly, that was my plan anyway! So- so there. There. I'm not going to hurt anyone, and it'll be fine!"
Jimmy hung up the phone, and groaned, shoving Pearl's thoughts out of his head before he started worrying about them too much.
He'd be fine. Nothing could go wrong, right?
Over the next week or so, Jimmy and Tango met up almost every other day. As these days went on, Jimmy realised that Tango was actually a really good friend, and a good listener, hearing Jimmy talk about his life and being comfortable talking about it in return. Very quickly, Tango became somebody he treasured closely, and when they weren't meeting up in person, they were texting.
Jimmy did, though, dance around the subject of a relationship. He hadn't yet figured out what he actually wanted, and the thought of saying anything that would make Tango think he was ready made him shudder. He wasn't even sure what he felt, getting more confused the more time he spent with Tango — the polar opposite of what he assumed would happen. Was it a crush, when he looked up to and admired Tango? What about when his mind kept going to Tango even when he wasn't around? Or was that just because Grian kept bringing Tango up, trying to imply that there was something more going on there?
It was, to put it simply, confusing. Jimmy just needed time to figure out what he was feeling, and try to keep up the pretence of being "normal" every time he spoke to Tango.
So, when they were spending the day at Jimmy's house, he couldn't help but be totally blindsided by what was to come, too busy trying to act as platonic and friendly as possible to notice that Tango was acting a bit more nervous than usual, and just a bit more flighty.
When he finally noticed, he frowned, looking at Tango. "What's up?"
"I'm fine. Yeah." Tango swallowed, looking away nervously. "Jimmy, can I... Ask you something?"
Oh no. The dreaded question. This could only go one way, and Jimmy still hadn't figured himself out. He needed more time, needed to talk to more people, needed to realise what was going on in his own head before dealing with Tango's.
"Yeah." He said anyway, trying to figure this out, Tango's mouth moving in slow motion in front of him — did this focus on Tango's mouth mean Grian was right? He didn't know anymore. He wanted to scream.
"You're a nice guy, Jimmy." Tango said in that smooth voice of his. Was that feeling in his chest what Grian meant by "backflips"? That didn't feel like the right word for it. "Y'know? Good-looking too."
Tango looked him up and down, and Jimmy didn't know if he was feeling disgust or attraction in response to the movement. "I- I am?" He was nervous. People feel nervous around the people they're in love with.
Tango smiled, cheeks turning red. "You are." He stepped forwards, and took Jimmy's hand in his. He wanted to pull away, but that would be rude, and really, if he did have a thing for Tango, then that wouldn't be the right thing to do. "You're something else, Jimmy. And I know we've been getting closer these past few days, but really… I've been wanting to do this since I met you."
Tango leaned forwards, cupped Jimmy's cheek, and kissed him. Jimmy remembered Grian's words: it was supposed to feel like fireworks going off in his head, it was supposed to feel right, but instead, Jimmy felt… Nothing. He kissed back anyway, trying to mimic Tango's movements in the hope of feeling something that wasn't a dull ache in his chest, to no avail.
When Tango pulled away, he laughed awkwardly. "That was good. I liked that." He lied, if only because it made Tango's grin widen.
"Yeah?" Tango took Jimmy's hand in his, and it took everything he had to not pull away on instinct. "So… What does that mean? For us?"
"I don't know." Jimmy said, honestly this time. "What do you want us to be?" Please choose for me. I can't. I don't know yet. Make this easy.
"I think you know what I want."
Jimmy couldn't imagine how this looked from Tango's perspective. It was probably like a scene out of a rom-com, all soft and fluffy, with a pink overlay making everything look more romantic.
For Jimmy, it felt more like a horror movie.
"A relationship." Jimmy said, the words feel wrong in his mouth. "Yeah! I'd like that."
Tango's hand shifted in Jimmy's, almost like he was trying to pull away, and in a sense, that was worse. Jimmy had tried so hard to make this work, to fit in, to fall in love like everyone else around him… He couldn't let go of Tango. His hand tightened.
"What's wrong?" He asked, trying not to look too desperate, but Tango's face falling told him everything he needed to know. He was scaring Tango away.
"Jim… You don't have to do anything you don't want to do."
"I know." He said forcefully. "I know that, Tango, and I know what I want."
"…do you?"
Jimmy let his hand fall. "Tango…"
"Jimmy." He said firmly. "I mean it. Do you want this?"
"Yes?" Jimmy faltered. "No."
"Why not?" Tango asked, voice pained. This was Jimmy's fault for being so broken, so stupid as to thinking he could make this work. He was destined to be alone. "Was it something I did, or…"
"It's me. I guess." Jimmy shrugged. "I'm just a bit… Not normal. I don't know… I'll figure it out. I'm sorry."
"It's fine."
There was a long stretch of awkward silence, in which they didn't make eye contact at all.
Tango cleared his throat. "So, uh… I'm gonna go. If that's alright?"
"Oh, yeah. See you, Tango." Why couldn't Jimmy just say something? Make this right, lie if it meant Tango would be happy, fix himself? Maybe he didn't deserve a relationship anyway.
"Bye, Jimmy. I'll see you around."
Tango left, leaving Jimmy feeling more alone than ever. He'd never cared about relationships before, so why did this sting so much?
He had a choice now: wallow in this sadness, let it overtake him, or seek advice. The former seemed more tempting; it was the easy route, and it meant he didn't have to listen to his friends telling him to find someone, or set him up with somebody else.
However, he knew he wouldn't get better if he didn't at least attempt to get over himself, but that begged the question: who should he call?
Grian wouldn't be helpful. Nor would Gem. Pearl was Tango's friend, so she'd just be disappointed that he'd hurt him.
He looked through his list of contacts, eyes falling on BigB's name. BigB… Who was, as far as Jimmy knew, one hundred percent single. He'd heard whispers of Scar's brother having a small crush on him for a while now, but nothing was ever confirmed between the two of them. Maybe BigB was going through something similar to Jimmy?
BigB:
Hey, quick question
Are you single?
I kinda need advice from someone that isn't just "find a relationship"
I am, yeah.
Great! Can you come to mine?
Sure, be over soon!
It didn't take too long for BigB to show up, Jimmy's body flooding with relief as soon as he heard those knocks at the door.
"What's your issue?" BigB asked, settling down on the couch in the exact same spot Tango was sitting in not half an hour earlier.
"Well, I've never been in a relationship." Jimmy began, really not looking forward to explaining this issue to yet another person, but understanding that really, he needed to.
"Neither have I." BigB shrugged. "Don't want to."
"…oh. That's an option?" That felt unheard of. Everyone around him was talking about meeting new people, settling down, falling in love… But, come to think of it, he'd never actually talked about romance with BigB.
"Oh, yeah. The world doesn't have to revolve around that stuff."
That made a scary amount of sense. Just like how people choose to get into a relationship, they could choose to not get into a relationship. But that still didn't exactly tackle the issue of it not being a choice for Jimmy.
"And that's a decision you've made."
BigB paused, thinking it over. "Well, I guess. It depends from person to person, but for me, the main reason is that I just don't get those feelings. For anyone."
Jimmy perked up. "That's what I've been feeling! How do you fix it?"
"Fix it?" BigB's eyebrows creased. "No, there's no fixing it. It's not a thing that needs to be fixed. It's called asexuality. It's just like… Being gay, but instead of men, it's nobody."
"Asexuality." Jimmy repeated. There was a word for people like him. He didn't know whether to laugh or cry. "So people actually get that? Where they don't fall in love or anything?"
"I do. I'm pretty comfortable in it, I think. I've never cared for that stuff, it's too much drama."
"Huh." Jimmy went quiet, reflecting on his life. For the longest time, he'd wanted to be normal, but really, he'd been normal all along. "Wait, what about Bdubs?"
"What about Bdubs?" BigB asked, genuinely confused.
"Well, uh…" Jimmy paused, realising that BigB genuinely didn't know, and really, was it his place to share a secret like that? "Doesn't he have a crush on you?"
"Does he? I didn't know." BigB's brow furrowed, then his eyes widened. "Oh, that makes sense. Alright. Thanks for letting me know, Jimmy."
"I'm surprised you didn't know, people keep talking about it."
"I don't pay attention to that stuff, I don't need the drama. I like staying on the outskirts, you get me?"
"That makes sense. So… Asexuality…" That word kept looping in Jimmy's brain as he struggled to fit it amongst every other aspect of his personality. Then he remembered that he'd read that word before. "Oh my god."
"What?"
"When I was searching for reasons why I didn't feel anything for anyone, that… That came up." He buried his head in his hands. "Oh my gosh, I've been so stupid."
BigB laughed. "You know now, don't get so worked up."
"B, I thought I was bi! For the longest time, I thought… Cause I like everyone the same… Which… Oh. Yeah, ok."
"You do like them the same. Not at all."
"I know that now." Jimmy sighed, feeling like an idiot. At least he had proof now that he wasn't just hopeless at love, but there was an actual reason for his lack of a partner. "Do asexual people ever find someone?"
"It just depends." BigB said with a small sigh. "Some do, some don't. It's not as black as white as "you either feel it or you don't". Asexuality's like… A spectrum. Right? Some people won't ever fall in love, and some people might fall in love once or twice throughout their whole life. Me personally, I've just never been in love. It differs though."
"There's still hope for me, then." Jimmy said, but even as the words left his mouth he knew it wasn't likely.
"Maybe. But you've gotta come to peace with the fact that it might not happen. And that's ok. It won't happen for me, either, so we can stick together."
"We can?" Jimmy looked up at BigB, grinning.
"Yeah. Totally, man."
Asexual. That's what it was. Once more, Jimmy found himself going down an internet rabbit hole, looking at stories and flags and fiction about this world he hadn't even realised existed until the previous day. There were people out there like him. It was normal. He was normal.
It was comforting, in a way. But it was still terrifying beyond belief, realising that Jimmy would more than likely spend the rest of his life alone.
A more terrifying prospect than that, though, was actually telling Grian.
Jimmy showed up at Grian and Scar's place, fully prepared to be judged or criticised or just plain be told that he should still try and find someone — all things he'd said to himself over the past few days.
When Scar opened the door, he couldn't help but feel slightly relieved that he didn't have to see Grian yet. "Hi, Scar! Is Grian home? I need to talk with him."
"He is, yeah!" Scar said, leading Jimmy into their living room, covered with photos of the pair on various dates and trips. It made Jimmy's chest ache., serving as another reminder as to what he couldn't have.
"Hey, Tim." Grian's face appeared in the doorway. "You good?"
"It's about… Well, I don't even know!" He laughed shakily. "Tango. I guess. But other stuff too. I need to get this out, I think."
For the first time in Jimmy's life, Grian looked actually concerned. He must look really bad then, he thought, trying to school his expression into something calmer. "What happened?"
"I don't like Tango. I'm being serious, so, before you say anything, stop."
Grian just… Nodded. Silently. No snarky comeback, no remark, nothing. Grian was listening.
"So, he kissed me. Right. And I didn't feel anything. Not even disgust, it was just… Apathy. I couldn't have cared less if he kissed me or not, and I think he could tell."
"So you're not…" Grian trailed off, realising now wasn't the time. "Ok. That's fine, you know that?"
"What? But you put so much pressure on me to-"
"It's cause I'm worried about you." Grian said gently. "I'm worried that you're not going to find your person, and you're just going to be on your own. Having a partner does you some good, Jimmy."
"Yeah." He looked at his feet, feeling so small. Grian was worried. About him. Because Jimmy was so sad and lonely that he couldn't-
He took a breath, looking back up at Grian. This wasn't his fault. This wasn't a bad thing either. This was normal, and it was ok.
"Grian…" He started again, "I'm not looking for a relationship. Ok? I had a talk with BigB, and I don't think I'm bi like I thought I was. I think I'm… Asexual? Was it?"
"Oh." Grian's expression shifted into something that looked more like understanding. "That… Makes sense. I'm sorry, I didn't realise that you were… That."
"It's fine." Jimmy said, even though it really wasn't. "I'm still getting used to it myself. It does explain a lot of things though. I had…" He chuckled. "So many stupid beliefs about romance before."
"Like what?" Grian said, expression turning a bit more light-hearted.
"Uh, that you had to consciously put in the effort to like someone. I remember you complaining about how you had to get a crush on Scar of all people two years back, and I just thought… Stop liking him, then. It was that simple in my head. Also that, uh, relationships were basically just one step above being someone's best friend. That there wasn't too much of a difference between platonic and romantic affection."
"Oh, Tim." Grian snickered. "That's just not how it works."
"How was I supposed to know?!" He exclaimed, a grin worming its way onto his face. Slowly, he was starting to feel more comfortable with himself. He knew it would take time to properly adjust to it, but he had time. And he had Grian and BigB there to support him.
Inspired by that small victory — Grian welcoming his newfound discovery with open arms — Jimmy figured that he should at least try and clear things up with Tango, and to apologise for leading him on.
So the next stop on Jimmy's "coming out tour" was Tango's house. This time, he sent a quick message ahead of time, giving Tango the heads up that this was something important.
Tango:
Hey I'm gonna be over at yours in a min
I have something I wanna tell you
alright
see you in five minutes
Tango's tone was unreadable, and Jimmy hated it. If Tango was mad at him for what happened, it would be understandable, but he needed to just state his case, and let Tango know that he was well and truly sorry. When he arrived at Tango's door, he didn't know if it was alright to let himself in as he normally would've, or if he should wait for Tango to let him in. The air felt different, and Jimmy just wished he could go back to that time two weeks ago, before he'd even met Tango.
The door opened without Jimmy even having to knock. "I heard your car pull in." Was all Tango said, letting him in and closing the door in silence.
"I'm sorry for how I was, by the way." Jimmy said, feeling the need to get rid of the quiet. "Grian seemed to think that I was in dire need of a relationship, and I really didn't mean to lead you on, I genuinely didn't think-"
"It's fine." Tango said forcefully. "I understand."
"No, let me explain myself, you're obviously hurt." Jimmy needed this. Needed Tango to understand, to not blame him, to hear his apology, know that it was genuine. "I'm asexual."
"Yeah, I kinda guessed that." Tango said casually. "When you said you weren't normal."
Jimmy found that for a few seconds, he had nothing to say to that. "You knew?"
"You didn't?" Tango's face turned panicked. "Oh. Jimmy, I'm sorry, if you didn't know… I should've just said something. I thought you= you were leading me on! Or, no, you're too nice for that, I thought you were just keeping me around so your brother wasn't on your back anymore."
That stung. The fact that Tango though so lowly of him… "No, that's not it. Well, partially, but I was trying to figure myself out. I thought… If I put in enough effort, I'd be able to actually love someone."
"That's not how it works." Tango said softly.
"I know that now. You're the third person I know to tell me."
"So… What does this mean now? You're asexual, so…"
Jimmy blinked. "So what?"
Tango took a deep breath. "Feelings don't exactly disappear when the other person doesn't reciprocate."
He let out a soft gasp. "I didn't know."
Tango gave him a sort of sad smile. "It's ok. There's probably a lot you didn't know, so… I can't exactly hold it against you."
"Yeah. I'm sorry, again, if I'd have known, I would've been clearer. You've been a good friend to me these past few weeks, and I am so sorry that I don't feel the same."
"There isn't anything we can do. I'll get over it." He laughed, and when he saw Jimmy's worried expression, he continued: "Seriously. Do you think a guy like me hasn't been rejected before? I know what I'm doing."
"Alright." Jimmy said quietly, happy that they'd agreed to stay friends, but getting the feeling that the aching guilt at letting Tango down wouldn't go away for some time now.