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“Oi.” Someone nudges my side. “Earth to Asya.”
“Ah-” I blink, shake my head. The room fills with light, and my eyes begin to sting. The light is moving. The room is dim; perhaps the room was always dim. I look to my side, and see a green and brown blob. It’s Marina. We’re at the cinema.
“Hellloooooo-” Marina says, in a sing-song voice. She’s smiling.
“Shut up, Kaplan,” hisses Vadim. He’s holding onto some cream soda. “You’re interrupting the movie.” He’s sitting on the other side of Marina, and I’m a little bit grateful for that.
Marina ignores him completely. She leans in closer, her features coming into view. There’s crumbs around her mouth. She looks happy, but her eyes... For someone that outgoing, it’s surprisingly hard to get a read on her.
“You want some corn puffs?” She shakes the bag.
“A-ah… Sure!” I stammer- It’s embarrassing that I zoned out during a moment like this. I’m such an ungrateful brat. No wonder the universe won’t let me live a proper life. I reach into the bag, and grab a few corn puffs. The powdery residue makes my fingers feel kinda sticky.
“Hey, give me some.” Garin reaches out a hand.
“Say please.”
“You offered it to Shubina.”
“The difference is that I actually like Asya. And, you’re a boy. Didn’t your mother teach you to speak to ladies better than that?”
“As if you two are the kind of ladies my mom would want me to be talking to in the first place.”
“Rude!” Marina gasps. “Why are you bringing Aska into this?”
“Because you’re playing favorites. Why are you calling her that anyways? You’ve only known her for like- what. A week?”
“Hmm? You jealous?” Even in the dark, her smug face is clearly visible. “Maybe try being nice for once, and maybe I’ll want to talk to you more often.”
“Wha- no. Don’t be delusional. Asya, help me out here. You can’t just watch this injustice unfold and do nothing!”
“Umm…” To be honest, I didn’t want to be drawn into this conversation. We’re definitely getting too loud for a movie theater. At this rate, we’re probably going to get kicked out! But I can’t say that or else Garin will probably call me something rude..
Wait, is that something that actually happens at this place? Maybe I should ask Marina about that, later.
“I’ll let you get an extra sip of the soda.”
“Don’t listen to him! You of all people should know how ungrateful he is!”
They both are staring at me. Do I have to pick a side?
Well…
Marina does have a point. Vadim does copy my homework often. And Marina is nice to me. Much more so than Vadim. I know this is a childish way of thinking, but I can’t help it. I’m sorry…
“Isn’t the soda supposed to be for all of us?”
“Ha! Even Asya thinks you’re a jerk!”
Vadim sputters a bit.
“So? The puffs were too, and you’re chowing on them like a cow!”
“Well? The last time I checked, your mom said I was a good influence, and that she hoped you and I would keep being friends.”
“That was before you went-”
Silence.
Marina stands up.
“Went what, Vadim?”
“… you know. Damn it. Why’s it such a big deal to you, anyways?”
A line had been crossed. Just for a little bit… everyone was acting like friends. We went to the cinema together. That’s something friends do, right? I did it with Tosya, at least. It’s only due to the world’s good graces that I would get a second chance like this, after I had ruined everything the first time. Of course, deep down, I always knew that it would end this way. I shouldn’t be surprised. I shouldn’t be upset.
I apologize. I know that a lowly piece of trash like myself has no right to question the will of the Universe. I’m sorry. I know all my self-flagellation does nothing but bring pleasure to myself, to cover up my shame for taking advantage of your infinite kindness.
But…
I can’t accept this. I want to see Marina happy. To laugh with her. To smile with her. See that dull despair go away from her eyes. Even if I never was able to do that with Ira. Even if Vadim is there, too. Despite everything.
“Guys! This is stupid. Marina, why don’t you let him have some of your chips, and Vadim, why don’t you share your soda in return?”
Vadim looks to the floor, his face uncomfortably serious.
“Fine. Can you give me some puffs, please?”
More silence.
“I only want a few,” He continues. “But you can have as much soda as you want. You can just elbow me instead of asking.”
Marina sighs, and sits back down. “Fine. But don’t complain if I elbow you too hard.”
“Whatever. Like a girl like you can- ow!”
Marina laughs. “I beat you in the pebble throwing contest, remember?”
Vadim rolls his eyes, and wordlessly hands over the soda. Marina sips on the cup in an obnoxiously loud manner. Both Vadim and I eat some of Marina’s chips, and he later hands me the drink, too.
“… here. I did promise.”
I take a sip.
“Duchess is better.”
“Ohoh?” Vadim smirks, raises his eyebrows. “Looks like Shubina has an attitude!”
D-did I really just say that? Maybe the mood is too delicate for me to joke around like that. Especially to Vadim. There just was an awkward look on his face, and I…
“Too bad you don’t have any taste buds. Cream Soda is the best. Sometimes, you just have to go with the classic.”
“Pch,” Marina chimes in. “It’s not a classic, it’s just for babies. Like yourself.”
“Hey- Cream Soda isn’t for just kids. It’s for everyone! People mix cream Soda and vodka all the time!”
“People make cocktails out of all kinds of soda…”
“As if you’d know anything about parties- Oi! What was that for?”
“Don’t speak about Asya that way. And-” Marina beckons towards him with her fingers. “Soda, remember?”
Vadim rolls his eyes and hands it over. “Whatever.”
“I hate to break your innocence Vadik, but people drink Vodka with literally anything. So that’s a moot point.”
“Stop acting like I’m the childish one. Didn’t you decide your favorite soda just because it was a vaguely similar color to your hair?”
“And? Tarhun tastes good, too! I think you’re just jealous of my hair!”
“Your hair’s crap colored.”
“Your hair is black.”
“Shit is brown, dumbass! And sometimes green.”
“Bullshit! You just eat wierd stuff.”
Uh oh. I’m sorry fellow moviegoers… but I think things are getting out of control. Maybe I should try to pivot the topic of conversation?
“The bright green color of Tarhun comes from artificial additives. I’ve heard that the government mandated their inclusion as some part of a secret experiment to surveil their citizens using chemicals.”
Marina stares at me, gobsmacked. “Asya… you’re supposed to be on my side!”
Vadim nods in approval. “Sounds ‘bout right. Always knew a soda shouldn’t be that green. If they had to choose a soda to mess with, it’d be a Georgian one. Plus, you seem like the type who would be super realiable when it comes to conspiracy theories.”
“Um… thanks?” That’s a compliment, right?? It’s hard to tell with Vadim. I’d rather get a compliment from Marina. Or Ira. But since Vadim believes in Aliens, this might actually be a big deal.
I lied. It was supposed to be a joke… but since it was used to establish camaraderie, it is too late to go back. If everyone would be happiest if it was the truth, then perhaps I should believe in it with all of my heart. That way, I wouldn’t have knowingly lied at all!
“Sorry Marina, but as your friend, I’m concerned about your safety.”
Marina harrumphs. “You can pry my Tarhun from my cold dead hands! Bully Vadim about his smoking habits instead!”
I know it’s a terrible thought, but I’m much more motivated to nag Marina about her unhealthy habits than Vadim… Also wouldn’t it make me a hypocrite, since I was fine with Ira’s smoking?
“Ehhh.” I shrug. “I don’t think he would listen to me?”
“True. I’m glad that you know your- ow!” Vadim grabs the side of his stomach, where Marina had rather violently elbowed him. “… you asshole.”
“What? Can’t handle a gentle shove from a lady?”
Garin swears under his breath. “Gentle shove my ass…”
Marina pays him no mind. “Anyways, we have yet to put your drink on the chopping block, Asya. Your favorite soda is Duchess? Really?”
“Yes… is there anything wrong with that?”
“I mean, Duchess is good. But not great. You can do better. It’s kinda lame. It’s one of those drinks that you get when you have no other option.”
“But they’re healthy! Duchess is made from pears, and fruits are good for you!”
“That makes it even more lame,” Marina looks unimpressed.
Ouch…
“Ha. Checks out that Shubina would like a drink like that.”
“Says the guy who hasn’t weaned off of cream soda.” I say, staring him dead in the face.
“Piss off. Are you stupid enough to actually believe that Duchess is healthier because it has some pear juice? Please. They probably put in a bunch of other crap to make it just like all the other drinks.”
We continued talking like that for the next little bit. To be honest, I never felt that strongly about sodas in the first place. But seeing Marina and Vadim speak about Duchess like that must have awakened my inner warrior. This is fun. I am grateful to the universe for giving me this second chance at a glimpse of this normal life.
Wait… what movie are we watching? I squint at the screen. Unlike the last one, this film’s a Soviet one. The actors clearly are Russian. It’s set in a city… Moscow? The colors are a little bit bright, like in the American film. I think back to my 6th grade trip to Moscow. Life in a city like that must be so exciting.
Not that I don’t like it here at Vorkuta-5! It’s much safer! And very beautiful! And the national salary is above average, too. I’m sorry. That was a sick, arrogant, self-centered, stubborn, ungrateful, ugly thing to say. I’m sorry that I don’t appreciate the sacrifices my parents made to give me this life, or the countless miracles that allow me to breathe in the first place. I can rectify this. Perhaps, if I thank you for every breath I take, every time my heart beats-
“Asya?”
I blink. Ira’s sitting next to me. Ah. Of course, she’s been here this entire time. She looks beautiful.
“Don’t tell me we’re gonna have to leave again because Shubina’s acting weird,” grumbles Garin.
“No!!” I shake my head and my hands. “I’m fine! I was just daydreaming.” I blink furiously.
Vadim and Marina glance at one another. Vadim whispers something to her. Marina shrugs.
“Fine. But if you need a break, let us know. Okay?” She says.
“Okay.” I say. Since Ira is here, everything will be fine.
Ira’s looking at me. I try not to put a label on her expression. I shouldn’t flatter myself like that.
She says nothing. The moment passes, and Vadim and Marina go back to watching the film. The movie is supposed to be a comedy, I think? They’re laughing. I laugh, too. It’s kinda funny. I had no idea that many people lived in one communal apartment. And they all have to share the same kitchen and bathrooms… wow. I wonder if they ever got sick of each other.
Ira yawns. “Sorry. Didn’t sleep well last night,” She says in a hushed tone.
Ah- how considerate! I didn’t know Ira was the type to apologize after yawning. That’s cute!
“It’s fine!” I smile at her. “I’ve been sort of out of it too, lately.”
Wait. Am I being selfish? Ira is Marina’s friend, too! I look back and forth between the two girls.
“Ah… we can switch seats if you want! So you can sit next to Marina!”
Ira’s brows furrow. She looks annoyed. “And sit closer to Garin? No way.”
Vadim and Ira lock eyes for a moment. A chill runs down my spine. Nothing is said.
“Aska! You and I are the buffer zones!” Marina says. “Don’t shirk your duty like that!”
“Is that the only fancy political term you know?” Ira scoffs.
“Eh- I’ve only said it once before… and it is applicable now, too!”
“Oi, Grachevskaya is the war-hungry nuclear superpower between the two of us.”
“If I was able to nuke you off the map, I would have by now.”
Marina erupts into laughter. Huh? Even Garin’s chuckling.
“Maybe… mutually assured destruction is a better term?” I say. “If one of you sends a nuke, then the world is going to end for all of us.”
“... then what does that make you two?” Ira asks.
“The neutral and non-aligned states!” Marina butts in. “We’d be collateral damage if you guys declared war. You wouldn’t want to nuke poor Asya off the map too, right?”
Silence. Ira looks away. “Yeah.”
Huh? Is it just me, or is she blushing a little bit?
I shake my head. I must be seeing things.
Everyone focuses back on the movie. Marina goes back to chomping on her puffs. She’s making an “Am-am-am” sound as she eats. Vadim frowns and shoots her a dirty look. After he realizes she won’t get the hint, he looks back at the film. Despite his annoyance, his head is still tilted a little bit towards her. He drinks more of his soda.
Ira leans into me. Huh? My face reddens with the sudden contact. Her shoulder is firm yet warm.
“Ira.” I nudge her.
Her head wobbles. She blinks at me once or twice… and then konks out completely.
What??? My mouth hangs ajar. I can see her slump towards me, in slow motion.
I should definitely wake her up. Knowing Ira, she would be embarrassed to be caught sleeping in a cinema. Especially sleeping on someone like me. She did call me a creep that one time.
Plus… Ira definitely is the kind of person who enjoys spending time with her friends. I’ve seen how much she cares about other people. She would be upset to find out she’s slept through a hangout!
However! However, however!
If Ira is sleep deprived, then maybe she should be getting all the sleep she can get? What if she would be pissed off if she wakes up… I know my parents are like that. To just assume that Ira actually would want to watch the movie… how presumptuous of me! If Ira wanted to stay awake during the movie, she would have!
Ah, yes. It all makes sense. Ira expects me to be her cushion! I should have assumed that from the start. Wait, She did look at me before falling asleep… that settles it. I must do my duty as her friend!
Ira leans onto me completely, and my mind goes blank. I feel her chest rise and fall; blood flow through her veins. The human body is truly a wonder. The average human adult is made up of 30 trillion cells. 30 trillion cells, working ceaselessly just to keep us alive for a single moment.
Ah, of course, cells are also miraculous! It took the world 300 million years to create the first single celled organism. And then, another 3 billion years to make the first multicellular one! Wow… the universe must have worked so, so, much in order to make creatures like us humans! To do all of that, for us mere humans- how cute!
I am truly grateful for the trillions of cells that make have brought Ira into existence. And the trillions of cells and countless miracles that have allowed me to experience this very moment.
“And you made such a weird face when I called you a lesbo…”
“Huh???” I squawk. I don’t want to imagine the look on my face.
Marina elbows him and mouths “shut the hell up”.
It’s too late- the commotion’s woken up Ira. She reaches into Marina’s bag and throws a handful of chips in Garin’s face. He ducks just a little bit too late, so some get on his hair and shirt.
“You’re just jealous because you can’t convince any girls to get that close to you.”
Marina begins laughing again at that.
“I’ve been with plenty of girls! D-don’t project your issues onto me.”
“If you want something to be true, it requires much more belief than just that.”
Vadim stares at me. “Huh?”
Marina’s gone silent.
There is no film playing on the screen. There are no chairs, no corn puffs, and no soda. We are sitting in an unfamiliar living room. The small tv in front of us is playing static.
Marina is staring at the wall. She looks so tired.
“Shit,” Vadim says, totally disheveled. “She’s not responding to anything at all anymore. You- what does it mean?”
I shrug. My mind feels foggy. Tears prick the corners of my eyes. Something deep within me burns. I feel like I’m about to wake up from a dream. Yes. This all must be a dream.
“Just tell me,” Vadim says. He attempts to sound angry, but his exhaustion betrays him. He doesn’t have much longer, either. I’m impressed he still is able to talk.
Silence.
I stare at Marina. She looks so small. Like Ira at the playground. I know it was all a facade, but it’s hard to believe that someone as lively as Marina could end up looking like this.
Vadim reaches into his pocket, and pulls out the small bottle. He hesitates. After a few moments, he opens the bottle and flips it over. A single pill falls onto his palm.
“Marina.” He says. “Remember this?”
Marina doesn’t react.
But Vadim continues like she does, anyways. “It’ll make you feel better. ” He grabs a bottle of water.
“Say aah-”
He pours the water into her mouth. Before he can slip in the pill, Marina tenses up and spits out the water, coughing. Ah. She must have aspirated.
“Fuck!” Vadim pats her back, in order to help with the coughing. “I-I didn’t mean to- I thought that-” He covers his face with his hands.
He sits there, perfectly still. “Damn it…” His voice shakes, and his nails dig into his scalp.
The apartment is too quiet.
I hold Marina’s hand. It’s cold. Her fingers aren’t moving.
“Don’t you feel this mattering?” I ask. “This moment?”
Silence. I stare at Marina more intensely, as if my signal could hear her as long as I willed it hard enough.
“I know we haven’t known each other for that long, but-” A lump forms in my throat. “I love you, Marina. Know that. So even though you probably can’t hear me, and everything is difficult… this moment matters. Because I’m able to spend it with you.”
There’s no response.
Garin stands back up. “Right- poems. Haha. Why not. Your poem- it brought Ira back, right? Read her a poem!” He says, sounding like the old Garin, but more desperate.
I smile and shake my head. It doesn’t work like that.
“Say something to her,” I continue. “You were her friend, right?”
“I… Shubina. You don’t understand.” Garin says.
“She brought you along for her adventure.”
Garin laughs. “Don’t you remember how our little adventure ended? She hates my guts. I hate her back. We haven’t talked in years before this.”
“You’re still here now.”
He rolls his eyes. "She actually likes having you around. Your words didn’t help her. Why would mine?”
“…” There’s nothing else I can say. Of course Garin wouldn’t understand. I suspected things would turn out like this.
Vadim switches the channels on tv. They’re all static. “Marina... does anything catch your eye?”
“…”
“Or. Another cig?”
“…”
“You liked the playing cards. The ones with the naked ladies.”
“… there’s Tarhun in the refrigerator. Nobody else here wants to drink it.”
Vadim goes on like this for a few more minutes. They mostly sit in silence, on occasion engaging in some one-sided conversation, where he asks her if she wants something that he’ll never bring. Sometimes, he laughs at his own jokes.
Even if she isn’t responding… I still believe she can hear him. Hear me. I know that it’s foolish, that there’s no evidence to support it. But I have to believe. I have no other option.
I give her hand a squeeze; my transmission bores through kilometres of ice and stone. “Marina, I-”
For a moment, I swear that I feel her fingers move.
I blink.
And then, Marina is gone.
***
I don’t know how long we sat there, in vigil. But eventually, the sun shines in through the window. Vadim’s still staring at the place where Marina once sat.
There is no knife. There is no cut. There is no Ira. There is no Marina. The wound of this world is closing up. Yes. Everything will return to as it should be. She is in a much better place now, reunited with the universe. Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay.
I get up. My mind is foggy. It must be because I didn’t get any sleep. The boy… um… what’s his name? He doesn’t look at me. He must be very tired, too.
Oh well. I should probably leave. It’s rude to linger in a stranger’s house. I walk out the door. A bird flies by the window. I walk out the door. A bird flies past the window. The streets stretch on forever.
Ah. Remember your mission. My love confession to the universe. I step out into the snow, smiling to myself.