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I’ve been having such strange thoughts recently, the only way I can share these out is by writing it down. Every morning my mind has been hazy, like I’m forgetting things from the previous night. It all comes back to me at some point, but I think it’s odd. Doctors won’t help me. I was told that’s just what happens in the morning, but I know it’s not. I can’t shake off the feeling that it’s something more.
Anyways, I’ve been considering logging my dreams for.. months, at this point. Rinne told me it was weird, but it’d be interesting to go back and read every now and again, so he’s encouraging it. Everything I do is weird to him…
Let me start with what I recall in this dream.
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I remember being invited by a stranger to have dinner at their home. The stranger was… tall, a nice light green hair color with long, curled locks. She reminded me of my mother… too much of my mother.
I was very hesitant. Not only because she reminded me of my mom, but that’s very unbecoming of an idol, and frankly, we can’t accept invites from strangers. That, and that not going along should be common sense. Of course, though, this was a dream, and you really can’t have much control of a dream.
My head was just as befogged as it has been recently, and I couldn’t seem to remember where I was or how to get home. I wasn’t in any area of Tokyo, or Japan in general that looked familiar to me. I didn’t even have my phone or wallet on me, so I’d take any hospice I could get. I tried to accept vocally, but I couldn’t speak. I could only nod my head. The lady bowed to me as I accepted, strangely enough. She had then started walking with me, showing me to her car. She opened the passenger door for me, and I slipped in easily.
Nothing else was important enough for me to write down, which I guess is okay, because I can hardly remember the drive anyways. Upon reaching her home, it was a nice place distant from anywhere else. No neighbors, only surrounded by fuzzy images of lush forest.
“We’re here,”
Her soft voice spoke, it pulled me out of my own head and caused my eyes to flick towards her.
“Enjoy your stay,” she murmured.
A bit odd to say right then, but I could look past it. We both left the car and she showed me to the front door, mumbling something about admiring how gorgeous I am. Once opened up, there was another door directly in front of me. Off to the left was a living room, and to the right, a kitchen with a small dining table placed by the windows, which originally weren’t visible from the outside. The kitchen was decorated with a light blue old-fashioned wallpaper, while the walls in the living room were a cream color. When I looked back to the kitchen though, it was arranged all differently, decorated strangely. Then my head whipped back to the living room, it became a completely different room. It was now a children’s playroom, empty yet colorful. A bit disturbing.
The lady held her hands around my arm and guided me to sit down at the dining table in the kitchen, and told me to “never look away.” I simply nodded. I took a seat at the dinner table, my hands feeling over the smooth wooden material. The table was either brand new, or old and kept well. I was lost in thought while I sat by myself. I think time goes faster than I can talk to myself in my head, because before long the pleasant smell of an citrusy herbal tea hit my senses. The lady came over with a plate of jelly-topped scones with frosting and strawberries, and a steaming pot of tea.
“How did you make that so quickly?”
I asked. My voice had come back to me, but I hadn’t noticed.
“Quickly? It’s been twenty minutes,”
The lady reminded me. On the drive to her home, she told me her name. It sounded so muffled and distant though, I couldn’t remember it. I gave her my thanks as she sat down at the opposite end of the table. Silence fell between the both of us. She began plating herself a scone and pouting some tea before she looked up at me and pointed out.
“You’re not sitting at the table properly.”
The teapot was sat back against the table with a heavy thud.
“Back straight, elbows off. Feet together. You should know this.” She huffed disappointedly. “You’re supposed to look perfect.”
Right. Perfect table posture, something I was forced to learn as a child, however I learned it a different way. No matter, to please her I followed suit in sitting properly. She reached a hand underneath the table to pull out another teacup, and started filling it before pushing it over to me. I only nodded and took the teacup. I realized I wasn’t given a plate to set it on, so I didn’t ask. I brought it to my lips and sipped quietly. When sat back down, I had the urge to ask questions.
“Why did you bring me here?”
She gave me no response. Didn’t even bother to look my way. Okay, I’d try again with something different.
“What city was I in when you found me?”
“Sapporo, in the Hokkaido prefecture.”
Sapporo was located way up north of Japan, how did I get there? Why was I alone with nothing else on me? Why would she answer that but not my previous question? Maybe that was something to ask her. My stomach rumbled just then, reminding me of my hunger, so I reached for a scone. My hand was grabbed by the woman across from me though.
“You hadn’t even asked… what do you say? You’re a good boy with good manners? That’s what I want you to be.”
I drew my hand back, setting it back into my lap. I tried opening my mouth to ask, but was interrupted by the sound of a whining and crying child. The look on the other’s face seemed to lighten up from the mean and aggressive demeanor she had been starting to develop upon interacting with me. He mumbled an excuse me as she got up from the table. My brows furrowed in slight annoyance, I took a sip of my tea, which I noticed by now had no taste or feel in my mouth. I looked at the window outside, and noticed that the scenery was gone. It was just… a blurred black nothing. I set the teacup down and got up from my seat, turning away from the kitchen.
The children’s room was gone, it was now another living room, but much different, a new structure. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the one thing that never changed about the kitchen was the white door with chipped paint, that always stood directly in front of the front door, right between the two rooms. I kept facing the living room until the girl came back, the baby gradually stopping its tears as it looked at me.
The mother looked up at me expectantly with a soft smile. I stared down at the child who… looked a lot like me. The young baby had the same deep purple eyes I had, and swirls of light blue hair. When I was born, my hair was a light, mint-blue color until I got older, where it leaned towards a more mint green. For some reason, I couldn’t piece things together just yet. I didn’t know why this woman looked so similar to my mother, why the baby she was holding looked like me. She then held the young child out to me, whispering for me to take him. I couldn’t. I shook my head and replied with a gentle “no thank you.” She kept holding him out to me.
“Take him,”
She encouraged, but I still said no. She then backed me up close to the door I’d mentioned previously. She shifted the baby to one hand, and placed her free one upon my chest. I still shook my head, and asked her to stop. She didn’t listen. I instinctively reached for the handle of the door as I leaned against it, and once I opened it, I hadn’t expected to meet a wooden stairway. With such immense force, I was thrown down the stairs into the cold darkness of a basement, it smelled like old, moldy carpet and the floor was entirely concrete. I didn’t seem to be hurt though. I just needed to gather my bearings.
I took time to try and reflect on what happened, but my thoughts were a scrambled mess. Once I felt fine enough to stand up, I began to walk through a long hallway in the basement. It was dark, dingy… it made me uncomfortable. The walk was long and silent, I was nervous, paranoid that something was going to find me and kill me. Anything could happen.
I came to a part where I could hear heavy breathing. It wasn’t close, but I also heard the rattling of chains. My fear had spiked, but my body kept me walking out of curiosity. I approached another room, walls of pure concrete, no windows and torches on the walls that emit a blue flame, giving a dim light. Chained to a wall, I saw another… myself.
Something deep within me was struck, a physical feeling of despair washing over me. The variation of myself that I saw was severely tortured and abused. I observed myself closely. Tear stained cheeks, clothes that were once a bright white were now stained yellow with time and blood, It’s like my mind was trying to tell me something via real depictions of metaphors in my dreams. I tried stepping closer, but I saw the alternate me flare to life, the chains he was bound to rattling. He tried to jump out at me, his voice hoarse and raspy. His eyes widened and a manic look on his face.
He ranted to me. About how tired he was, how he’d been depraved of everything and anything, how he’d be better off dead, screaming at me and blaming me for my parents death, explaining how I should’ve just obeyed them, ranting about all the things I, or we’ve gone through in life. How miserable he felt, how maybe he just deserved all this. Perhaps it was my internal thoughts speaking, but I can’t remember the rest of it. I can recall approaching him, him begging for me to not touch him yet doing so anyways. My hand reaches his cheek, I hushed him and told him to rest, and then I woke up.
Disturbed, I went to tell Rinne about my dream. He didn’t understand, so that’s why I’m writing this. Hopefully this makes more sense.