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James knew there was something wrong with Sirius. Had known it for a while.
Ever since they had gotten back from summer break, there had been something eating away at him. At first, James thought it was about the prank. Remus was ignoring him so Sirius was throwing a pity party.
He wasn’t eating at meals as some sort of repentance.
Like if he sacrificed enough it would make up for his betrayal.
But then, the days turned to weeks turned to months.
That was how James Potter ended up sitting on his bed and staring at the black haired boy across the room, wondering when Sirius started to look like he was dying.
The skin on his face was drawn tight, thinly layered over bone so you could clearly see his sharp cheekbones.
Sirius’s shirt slipped a little and James could see his collar bones protruding out.
Nausea pooled in James stomach, twisting and poking like a vine full of thorns. They pierced deep- refusing to be ignored.
Repentance had gone too far, James decided. He would no longer let Sirius punish himself like this. James was angry, of course, but not angry enough to stand by and watch his once best mate wither away.
Sirius’s hands shook as he wrote his essay.
He tightened his grip on the quill, like if he held on hard enough it would stop the tremors racing down his arm.
James frowned. The thorns cut deeper.
There were circles under Sirius’s eyes. Dark as the night and sunken deep into his flesh. Sirius shivered slightly, like he was cold.
He looked so small.
Curled up on his bed. Hunched over his essay, brow furrowed in frustration as he struggled to get his hand under control. There was blood on his lip from anxious chewing.
Something was really wrong with Sirius.
‘Is it because we’re not speaking with him,’ James thought. ‘No- that alone couldn’t cause such a physical response on his body.’
James sighed in frustration, falling back onto his bed. There was something wrong with Sirius and James needed to fix it. It’s difficult to be cross with someone when they look like they are about to keel over any minute.
Sirius looked weak. Weak and malnourished and stressed and small and tired and submissive-
Submissive.
Sirius was a sub. James bit back the urge to smack himself from his own stupidity. Obviously he looked like shit.
He was a sub. A sub without a dom. A sub without a dom who was clearly suffering from not being dropped in a long time.
The answer was so clear now.
Remus wasn’t dropping Sirius because of the prank. They hadn’t spoken since then so obviously they hadn’t scened together. A drop required trust, trust that wasn’t there between them. Not like before.
Sirius didn’t know any doms except for Remus and James (well there was his family but they don’t count).
If Remus wasn’t dropping Sirius then no one was.
The thorns had completely pierced through James's gut.
Blood poured out from the wounds and mixed with guilt. It flowed through his bloodstream and arrived at his throat. Choking him.
James swallowed. Hard.
“Sirius.” He said, voice surprisingly clear and steady.
Said boy whipped his head up, looking at James like a deer in headlights. His eyes were wide and confused.
‘He’s confused because you haven’t spoken to him in five months’ his brain hissed. He pushed the thought away.
James patted his bed, “come here.”
Sirius’s brows furrowed, he opened his mouth for a moment before shutting it.
“Now.” The command slipped out of Jame’s lips without his consent.
Sirius tensed at the tone but he slipped off his bed and walked over to James bed. He stood there awkwardly, hands twisting in his shirt.
James’s heart twinged at the sight of Sirius looking so unsure. He forced a smile onto his face and patted the bed again, “sit…please.”
He sat. Stiff as a board. Body tense as if prepared to run at any moment.
Now that Sirius was there, James was at a loss of what to say.
Sirius didn’t say anything either. He stared vacantly at the wall behind James. His hands moved from twisting his shirt to fiddling with the blanket. After a few moments, Sirius tensed and his hands went still. He clenched them into fists and stiffly set them into his lap.
Dear god James hated this.
“Look at me.” He said calmly, letting the dominance slip into his voice.
Sirius’s eyes flitted to Jame’s face, unable to resist a direct order from a dom. They held eye contact for a few moments before Sirius’s eyes dropped down like they had been burned.
James swallowed his apprehension down, he was the dom in this situation and he needed to be in control. He would help Sirius drop because that was the right thing to do.
His conflicted feelings didn’t matter when there was a distressed sub in front of him.
“When was the last time you dropped?”
Confusion spread across Sirius’s face. He began to chew at his lip, more blood poking out. There were a few moments where James could see hesitation flash across Sirius’s face. He was deciding if he should tell the truth. Finally, he murmured, “this summer.”
“What?”
“This summer,” Sirius said a little louder.
James frowned, “who?”
“My mom and-”
“That doesn’t count.” James cut in. The guilt in him curdled at the thought of Walburga handling Sirius when he was in such a vulnerable state. She hadn’t been gentle. James knew that for certain.
Sirius blinked in surprise.
“Why not?” He asked. Then he flinched back, shutting his mouth with a click.
“That’s not- well…” James trailed off, trying to think of a good way to say ‘when was the last time you were dropped by someone who isn’t an awful piece of shit’. “When was the last time Remus dropped you?”
Sirius gnawed on his lip with more vigor, “uhm before the- you know…”
Before the prank.
Before the prank in June.
Sirius hadn’t been dropped in five months and the effects were clear to see.
The revelation wasn’t too shocking. Deep down, James knew it from the start. He just didn’t want to think about it. Didn’t want to hear the guilt screaming at him.
Silence laid on top of them, thick and heavy.
Finally, after a few minutes, James had made his decision.
“I’m dropping you.”
“What?”
“I’m dropping you.” James repeated firmly. Leaving no room for arguments.
Sirius’s eyes darted around wildly, searching for an escape route.
“No.”
“What?”
“No, you’re not dropping me.” Sirius said, standing up. He turned to walk away but James grabbed his arm.
“Yes I am.”
“There’s no need-” Sirius tried to yank his arm away but he wasn’t strong enough.
“You haven’t had a proper drop in five months, Sirius!” James exclaimed.
“I’m fine.” He grit out.
“You. Are. Not.” James commanded.
Sirius looked around frantically. His hands shook harder.
James sighed, “sit down.”
Sirius sat.
“Look,” James tried to soften his voice, “either I drop you or Remus does.”
Panic alit in Sirius’s eyes, he moved to stand again but James’s hands kept him in place.
“Wich one would you rather it be?”
“Neither!” Sirius whined, tears starting to shine in his eyes.
A pang hit James as he saw the scared look on the sub’s face. He pushed the feeling away.
“Choose.”
“Please don’t- not Remus-”
“Why can’t Remus drop you, Sirius? He’s done it before.”
“He hates me!” Sirius cried out.
Suffocating silence fell over them. James’s mouth was dry.
James should reassure Sirius but he couldn’t lie.
A sob fell from Sirius’s lips and he trembled. Tears dripped down his face. They pooled at his chin before falling. Every so often, Sirius would make a gasping sound, like he was desperate for air.
“If you don’t want Remus to do it, then you have to let me,” James finally said, his tone clinical and cold.
Sirius sucked in a breath and nodded slowly, “anything but him.”
“Okay,” James agreed, running his hands up and down Sirius’s arms to soothe him. “It’ll be like any other drop.”
Tears still fell from Sirius’s face.
Sirius looked up and James could see every detail; from the purple eye bags to the protruding cheekbones to the slight fear shining in his eyes.
Instead of feeling sympathy, all James felt was rage. Sirius didn’t take care of himself and the effects were clear to see. He wanted to shake Sirius’s shoulders and yell. Yell that Sirius couldn’t self destruct the second something went wrong.
James stood up and walked to Sirius’s trunk.
Sirius sat obediently on James’s bed, not moving a muscle.
He rumaged through Sirius’s belongings before pulling out a pair of sweatpants and a band tee.
James set the clothes down in front of Sirius. He looked up, eyes filled with apprehension.
“You’re going to go to the bathroom and change into these clothes.” James began, “when you finish and open the door, the scene will start. I will bind your hands behind your back. Okay?”
Sirius blinked a bit, “that’s it?”
“Do you want to do anything else?”
“No sorry for ask-”
“If you want something, you need to tell me.”
Sirius nodded.
James waited to see if he would say anything but the boy’s mouth remained closed.
“I want to start slow,” James explained, “Nothing too intense, we don’t want to shock your body. Is that okay?”
Sirius nodded again.
“Any questions?”
Sirius shook his head.
Frustration curled in Jame’s gut, he knew Sirius and he knew Sirius has questions.
James didn’t say anything.
Sirius picked up the clothes and slowly walked to the bathroom. The door shut with a gentle click.
James sighed.
Exhaustion filled him. At least Remus wasn’t here. Or Peter. He couldn’t deal with both of them on top of this. James grabbed ropes from his dresser. They were long and silky and soft.
‘Is Remus going to be mad?’ Crossed his mind.
James grit his teeth. Remus can be mad all he wants. James isn’t going to let Sirius waste away like that.
Subs were supposed to drop quite frequently to remain healthy.
James wrapped the red rope around his hand. Him helping Sirius doesn’t negate the fact that he is mad at him.
The bathroom door creaked open.
James took a deep breath before turning around. A mask of dominance slipped onto his face.
“Ready?” He asked.
Sirius nodded.
“Use your words.”
“Yes sir,” Sirius said softly. Clenching and unclenching his hands.
James stepped closer to Sirius.
“What are your safe words?”
Sirius looked surprised, “what?”
“Your safe words for the scene…?”
“Oh yeah- uh right uhm…green for good, yellow for break, and red for stop…” Sirius paused for a second before tacking a ‘sir’ onto the end.
James filed the reaction over safe words away. Deal with that later. He told himself. One step at a time.
“Sit on the bed.”
Sirius walked forward uncertainly, every other second his eyes darted to James. Like he was scared he was going to mess up. He sat on the bed, fingers reaching for the blanket again.
James sat behind Sirius.
“Clothes on or off?” He asked.
“Can I keep them on please, sir?” Sirius said immediately.
James hummed an affirmative, “hands behind your back.”
Sirius moved his hands, laying them on top of each other. His shoulders tense.
James gently guided the hands into a lower, more comfortable position. He laced the rope around Sirius’s limbs, careful not to pull too tight. After he finished, he slipped his fingers underneath the rope, checking.
“How does that feel?”
“Good, sir. Thank you.”
They sat there, the silence a little more comfortable this time.
James began to run his fingers through Sirius’s hair, humming under his breath.
Eventually, Sirius’s eyes fluttered shut.
James kept a careful eye on him.
He watched the way the tension left Sirius’s body as he slipped into subspace.
James let Sirius drift there for an hour before he lightly tapped against Sirius’s arm. Sirius huffed.
Despite himself, a small smile crossed James’s face.
“Sirius, it’s time to come back.”
Sirius scrunched his nose in displeasure but he blinked his eyes back open. Squinting as he became aware of his surroundings.
James started to untie the ropes, gently guiding Sirius’s hands back down.
“Stretch.”
Sirius blinked once more, then he stretched his arms out.
He opened his mouth then shut it.
“Yes?” James asked.
“Oh uhm was- was I okay?” Sirius asked anxiously.
James’s heart hurt, seeing Sirius be so insecure.
“You were very good,” James said softly.
Sirius’s eyes blew wide. A faint flush dusted his cheeks as he looked away.
They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes while James cleaned up. Sirius already looked better. The eyes bags were a little lighter and his body was drained of all tension.
He would recover in no time.
“We’ll do this once a week.”
Sirius’s head snapped up, “what-?”
“We will scene once a week to start out. We can adjust from there if needed.”
Sirius nodded slowly.
“Are you going to tell Remus?”
“About what?”
“About the scenes- obviously.”
James thought for a moment, “do you want me to?”
Sirius shook his head.
“Then I won’t.”
“Oh.”
James put the last of the rope away. Tucking it under his clothes.
“Prongs,”
“Hm?”
“Thank you.”