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“Oh no I’m bi,” Joey corrects. “I actually dated Terry a while back.”
Spencer tenses. “Terry? Manager Terry?”
“-yea?” Joey confirms, raising an eyebrow at Spencer’s sudden mood change. “Are you okay?”
“Did he- was that- how did that go? for you?”
“...it went fine. I guess,” Joey starts. They’re silent for a moment before resuming. “Actually it wasn’t all that great, if I’m being honest. It’s hard to remember the details, I just know he made me really uncomfortable to the point I was struggling at work,” they sit up and grab the remote, pausing the TV show they had playing in the background.
“He still annoys me, he gets jealous every time he thinks I’m on a date or dating anyone else and he confronts me about it. It’s been a decade at this point and he still does it. He’s always wrong too, it’s always either family or not me at all that he sees on dates,” they frown, adjusting their position.
“Closest he ever got was accusing me of taking advantage of Pickles because they have a crush on me and I’m kind of a father figure to them. I knew they have a crush on me but I don’t and didn’t reciprocate, but Terry didn’t like that I spend so much time with someone who obviously wants me, even if I have every intention of never letting anything happen between us.”
“Did he ever-” Spencer starts, pausing to swallow hard. “-touch you.. inappropriately….” he trails off, looking down as he replays his words.
“...why did you ask it that way?” Joey asks, very confused.
“I’ve never heard it asked to an adult before, I’m realising.”
Joey looks alarmed. “Meaning you’ve only heard it asked to children? Who’s asking children if they’ve had sex?!”
“What, no, they're asking children if they’ve been molested.”
Joey blinks. “Are you asking me if Terry molested me?” Spencer nods. “I- why???” Spencer wrings his hands together, looking off to the side, not answering.
“Spence… did Terry do something to you?” Joey asks carefully. Spencer clutches his hands together, pulling them into his chest, and takes a shaky breath, trying not to immediately cry. His gaze stays locked on a vase in his field of vision as he slowly, barely, nods. Joey is silent for a moment before whispering, “what did he do to you?”
Spencer takes a moment, several moments, to mentally gather his words. Joey mercifully gives him time.
“We had a meeting,” Spencer starts. “In his office. I… I don’t know. How it started. Why he did it. What he was thinking, but he. Backed me up against the wall. Held my hips and. Pressed against me. Until I got hard,” he closes his eyes, trying to stop the impending tears, and looks down. “And he pulled my pants down and- jacked me off. And I just- I just stood there. I didn't say anything, I didn’t do anything, I just stood there. And he stopped, right before I- finished. And he told me to say please-” he takes a shaky breath. “And I did-. I said please. I just wanted to get it over with. And then he just- he just sat back down. And ignored me. I just left. I was so confused, I mean what just happened? I don’t understand what it was but I just stood there and I let it happen and I hate myself for it. I just stood there,” a sob racks out of him as the floodgates open.
He tries desperately to compose himself, gasping for breath and wiping away his tears. “I’m sorry,” he chokes out. “Sorry, I- I’ve never told anyone that before, I’m sorry,”
He feels Joey move and opens his eyes. Joey’s facing him now, and they open their arms, offering a hug. He barely suppresses a whine and accepts it, shifting to his knees so he can lean forward and be wrapped in their arms.
It takes a few minutes, maybe more than a few, but Spencer finally is able to stop the tears. He pulls away, sitting back and wiping away the last of his tears. “Sorry,” he says again quietly.
“It’s okay,” Joey assures him. They’re silent for a moment, thinking while Spencer focuses on keeping his breathing level. “Why do you think Terry did something to me?” they ask, looking pointedly towards Spencer’s shoulder.
Spencer looks down at his hands. “I find it hard to imagine a man bold enough to molest his boss for no reason would be a good boyfriend,” he explains.
Joey doesn’t say anything, just staring at Spencer’s shoulder looking like a sad puppy. Spencer looks up at the silence, worried about what’s going on in their mind. He moves his head to make eye contact, knocking them out of their head. “Sorry,” they say, rubbing their eyes like they’re tired.
Spencer holds out his hands, offering support. Joey takes them, thanking him, and mulls over their words a bit longer before speaking. “He could be a bit aggressive with me,” they start. Spencer tenses. “I remember there was one time he was um, riding me, and he sort of squeezed my shoulders in a way that hurt really badly, I think it was a pressure point? But he didn’t seem to notice my reaction so I don’t think he did it on purpose,” they explain, looking somewhere above Spencer’s head. They don’t look too convinced by their own claims.
“He didn’t really like being told no, and I guess he could be really persuasive. I told him I wasn’t ready to sleep with him, but he convinced me to. I told him I didn’t wanna top, but he convinced me to. I told him I wasn’t in the mood for sex a lot but he just kind of ignored me. By the time he started asking to stay over, I didn’t even try to say no, because I knew I wouldn’t win.” They stop to take a deep breath. Spencer commends to himself how they’re able to get through this without breaking down.
“I was always so tense when he slept in my bed. I couldn’t sleep. The more he stayed over, the worse I got. I was so sleep deprived that even Aaron noticed I was struggling. So I finally broke up with him. He was pissed, he yelled, I think he threw something, but I was too tired to really process his anger or care. I guess I should be thankful for that, that I stood my ground. I don’t think he’s forgiven me. Probably not considering he takes personal offence to the mere idea that I would ever consider dating or sex again. I think I told him I wasn’t built for relationships. That wasn’t a lie, I’m a lot happier being single, and I never did like sex as much as everyone else seems to, but I’ve never told him how uncomfortable he made me. I don’t wanna lash out at him or anything, even when he confronts me, I just try to make sure he hears me without making him think I feel threatened or anything.”
Spencer gently rubs circles into their hands, listening intently.
“I don’t think that’s rape. I mean I gave in, I let it happen, it’s not like he tied me down or anything,” they explain. Spencer’s heart breaks for them.
“Would you say I wasn’t molested because I didn’t try to stop it? Because I said please when he told me to? Does that mean I consented? Does that mean he asked?” Spencer poses.
“Well, no,” they start. “It obviously really hurt you. You wouldn’t be crying about it if it was just a normal handjob.”
“The morality of the situation isn’t measured by the effect it has on me,” Spencer explains. “Someone can deeply regret and feel nauseated by sex they fully consented to, that doesn’t mean they didn’t consent, or that the other person did something wrong. And someone can be generally unaffected by something completely objectively non-consensual. I’ve known people raped as young children who just, don’t really care. I won’t say they’re healthy or fine or unaffected, but it doesn’t feel like a massive deal to them, when most are deeply affected by it for their entire lives. I hate myself for how I handled, or rather didn’t handle what happened to me. And it has taken me a long time to internalise that my response wasn’t consent, and that no response would have made what he did to me okay. I didn’t ask him to, he didn’t ask if he could, he just did it, and then acted like it never happened.” He adjusts his grip on their hands, looking into their eyes and hoping to convey his meaning directly to their soul.
“What he did to you was abuse,” he tells them. “You shouldn’t have to say that you gave in, you should be able to say that you wanted it. Sex is not something you should be convinced of, it should be something you seek. It doesn’t matter that you were dating, it doesn’t matter how long it took you to be convinced. If you said no and he argued or kept trying, he was in the wrong. You must have felt some kind of connection if you agreed to date him in the first place, unless he coerced you into that too, so the fact that the way he treated you made you so uncomfortable you couldn’t sleep around him matters. And it’s not okay how he continues to act entitled to know who you’re supposedly dating. He did not treat you right. You deserved better. What he did was not okay, and you have every right to be upset about how he treated you.”
A small tear rolls down Joey’s cheek. They hang their head, silently taking a heavy breath in.
“Do you want a hug?” Spencer asks. Joey nods quickly, keeping their eyes closed. Spencer opens his arms for them.
“Come here.”