Chapter Text
The invitation trembled in her hands.
After a moment of her holding it so tightly it started to fold, so a tear smudged the perfect calligraphy 'H' of her name. Mona didn't want it to be real, it would hurt too much. But it was, and it was far too crisp, too happy looking, and much too soon.
She knew it had been coming for a while, but she didn't know why it had to be now.
While the pain was so fresh. To add insult to injury Hanna had called her later that day, asking if she would help plan the wedding. And of course she said yes, because secretly Mona was her own worst enemy.
On the drive down to Hanna's, she glanced to the backseat where the wedding book they had made together back in high school was lying; she told herself she would make this journey only this once. It won't be, the book taunted.
Inside, she knew that was true.
When she got there Hanna was in hysterics, wailing to her that she had no idea how to plan a wedding party. She didn't point out that she didn't either, because that wouldn't help anyone. She allowed herself a roll of her eyes, and an exasperated google for a list of where to start.
It wasn't really a wedding she learned, they were planning a wedding themed party essentially. There would be no church, only a small affair with a priest and Ashley. Afterwards there would be a party for everyone else, that was what they were planning.
Pretty much a wedding without the boring bit. Or perhaps in her case, the painful bit.
Once Hanna had remembered she was the most organised person she knew, that one planning session soon became two. Which then became another three, and soon she was pretty much planning the whole party. She was drowning in napkin colours and party favour options that weren't even hers, and would she get any of the credit?
No.
Of course she wouldn't, because she was simply expected to do it. Her favours, were to Hanna, the bare minimum. She wasn't even a bridesmaid, that was how much Hanna cared.
When she was over Caleb would often hover in the, now covered in plans for a wedding that were making her a little miserable, living room. At first it was definitely because he was keeping an eye on her in case she tried something. Whatever that meant.
Then, it became that he felt left out.
Sometimes Caleb would offer up what he assumedly thought were great ideas, they sucked obviously, and either she or Hanna would wave him off. Mona could see it was starting to get to him, she wondered how long it would be before he erupted.
Only until almost all the planning was over apparently. Because when could she ever catch a break?
'No Caleb, I'm not having a lily bouquet. It would stain.'
Hanna replied crossly to Caleb, her eyes glued on making the candle favours. Every guest was getting a small candle with their name on, it had been one of the only ideas from Caleb that wasn't horrific. Except it meant they had to make about seventy candles for July third, which was in two weeks.
They had made about twenty. So slow going there.
'It was a suggestion Han, seriously you're not even considering what I want. You just agree with what Mona says.'
To be fair, her ideas were actually good and won't stain Hanna's dress orange forever. Or have no one dance because they got Caleb's weird tech-y friend, who probably had no taste in music, to DJ instead of hiring someone who didn't still use MySpace.
Speaking of the dress. Hanna's dress was white, yet she insisted it was not a wedding dress. She'd seen it with her own two eyes, it totally was a wedding dress.
'Han, I've had no say in my own wedding. It's like, are you marrying me or Mona?'
She sucked in a breath and looked down at the table. It was covered in stuff, useless stuff like their old wedding book that meant so much more to her than Hanna.
She needed to go.
In hindsight she shouldn't have told Hanna she could help. She'd been pushing Hanna's knife into her own back all this time, deluding herself because she wanted to still be in her life.
'I'm marrying you Caleb. Oh god, it's not actually a wedding but I've gone all bridezilla haven't I?'
Hanna smacked a hand to her forehead, and Caleb brought her into a hug. She started gathering up her few things. There was no room left for her here, there hadn't been for a long time.
'I should go.'
Caleb gave her a curt nod, Hanna didn't stop her. Or say anything.
Hanna didn't need her anymore. They weren't still in high school, when Hanna needed advice on fashion or help with homework. She had outgrown Mona. She didn't serve any use to her, after all Hanna had proper friends. A proper life now -A was gone. She was getting married for god's sake, that was something Mona was nowhere near.
She left the apartment, fighting the urge to look back one last time. The book, she decided was staying here. It was pointless for her to keep, it was only gathering dust and bringing up happy; but for her wellbeing, bad memories.
She didn't cry as she left. She didn't cry as she drove the long way back to her apartment, not even when the radio played one of the songs they used to listen to at sleepovers. Not when she arrived back to an empty apartment either.
She called her mother.
'Hanna's getting married.'
'Oh, sweetheart.'
Then, did she start to cry.
_
When she arrived at The Radley it was a rather disappointing sight.
None of the decorations, favours or lights she'd meticulously picked out and arranged were there. The large hall looked nice in a plain, classy way, but it was still sort of bare bones. She pushed away her displeasure that all her hard work had been for naught, and the overall unpleasant feelings she got coming here.
'The' may have been added in front of it, but she couldn't shake the slimy sense in her gut that it was still Radley. If she looked hard enough, she would be able to find her old room and that was a horrible thought.
She was sat on a table with people she half recognised and fully ignored. For most of the meal she sat picking at the food that two weeks ago had seemed appetising, and wondered why she was sat so far away from Hanna and her friends.
Fuck it. She looked too good to be depressed right now.
She'd picked out her hottest, tightest dress, curled her hair and cranked her makeup game up to ten. Some guys stared and even a few of the girls were looking her up and down. Not that she noticed.
She was busy listening to Aria's speech and making her own corrections and alterations in her mind, and how her speech would have been ten times better.
No, she was absolutely not bitter at all.
Once the speeches and meal was over, Mona found herself with a few quite unpleasant options. She could go and dance to the god awful music Caleb's friend was playing, go figure she was right. Or go and make small talk to people who definitely thought she was a psychopath.
Both sounded abysmal.
There was the possibility that she could slip out early while everyone was distracted, no one would be looking for her anyway. But leaving early and by herself was a depressing recipe for disaster.
A trip to the bar it was then. She was pretty sure at least one person at this damn party would buy her a drink.
A few people were gathered around the small bar, ordering their drinks, grabbing the necessary cash from their wallets and generally having much more fun than she was. Down the bar she spotted Spencer sat alone, hunched over a drink.
Now that was someone who needed some "MLC"; Mona's lovely conversation. Spencer would probably hate that, so, all the more reason to go up to her. At least she was a slightly friendlier face than some of the people here. If she approached say Ali, she might have spat on her face for showing up.
Putting on an air of confidence she didn't possess at present, she perched on the seat next to Spencer. She didn't respond overly positively to her, then again not too many people who knew her in high school did.
Instead of facing the bar, or Spencer, she looked out to the crowd. Not looking for anyone in particular at first, only something to keep her eyes busy.
Then she spotted Hanna.
She was beautiful in her definitely not a wedding dress. Caleb had his arm around her waist and she looked much happier than Mona probably could have ever made her. Hope was a fickle thing, and hers had finally snuffed out. Much later than she would have liked and it didn't feel momentous in the way she thought it would.
It was like a puzzle that she'd known the solution for years, finally clicking in her head.
She hadn't noticed the way her hands gripped each other with enough force to leave white marks for days, until Spencer pointed it out.
'This must be hard for you.'
Spencer was a little wrong and a little right, it was hard but for reasons she wouldn't get.
For years she had thought Hanna was her person. Not strictly in a romantic sense at first, that slowly settled in her heart when it was too late; but she thought that they would be in each other's lives for a long while. Apparently her feelings were limited, and painfully one-sided.
Hanna had people, because of the person she was. She was alone, again because of the person she was. Maybe one day she would be okay with that.
Spencer spoke about the game, the hotel reminding her as well of their shared past it seemed. She spoke quietly and gently about it, which was not something Mona would have pegged her to do at all. It did beat her patent blend of righteous anger and distaste, which was nice for a change.
'You want a drink?'
She nodded. So she was right, someone at this miserable party had offered her a drink.
Spencer ordered a scotch, and it gave her the delightful chance to mock her about how that was totally an old person drink.
'No it's not.'
Spencer replied in a huffy voice, defensive yet not hostile, which told her she was fine to continue teasing her. Mona took a slip of her cosmopolitan, figuring something fruity with a kick would do her some good.
'Does your dad drink it?'
Spencer didn't reply, and Mona knew she had hit the nail on the head. Knowing Spencer she had very likely started drinking it because her dad had.
'Then it's an old person's drink, I don't make the rules.'
She shrugged, and Spencer gave her a bemused look. It occurred to her that this was the most pleasant conversation they'd had since middle school.
'Fine. I will get a normal drink, if you have a scotch.'
Spencer was actually indulging her, which never happened. Usually she pulled a face and whipped out a snarky comment to shut her up. Mona thought she could get used to this Spencer. Though chances were the change wasn't because of her, it seemed Spencer was feeling as lonely as she was.
But the night was still young, and Spencer was full of surprises.
'Deal.'
Spencer ordered another round of drinks. This time she clasped her hand around the short glass of scotch, and Spencer took the cocktail. Bringing the glass up to her mouth the strong tang hit her nose, she repressed a gag. Then she drank a sip and that was even worse.
'Wow, this is probably delicious if you have no taste buds.'
She winced, putting the glass back down on the bar. Spencer laughed at her, and not in the condescending way she was oh so familiar with. Then Spencer took a slip of her drink, and suddenly she wasn't laughing anymore.
'Like your drink is any better, it's like I'm drinking straight vodka.'
Spencer licked her lips, her face scrunched up as if she had eaten a lemon. Now it was Mona's turn to laugh at her.
'Clearly you cannot appreciate a good cosmo. Swap?'
The song changed in the background, something upbeat and the crowd cheered as it came on, she didn't hear them or anything else. She was pretty focused.
'I could say the same to you about scotch. Sure.'
As they passed drinks their hands touched, Spencer blushed visibly and she was sure the alcohol wasn't to blame. Spencer's hands were cold and bony; like a pianist's and for a moment she wondered if Spencer could also play the piano. She was sure she could, Spencer was impressive like that.
While pretending to glance behind her at the people dancing, Spencer shuffled a little closer to her. Their elbows knocked and she felt something swoop in her stomach.
This was nothing new, and yet something completely unknown to her. She recognised that swooping feeling, that slight rush around Spencer. It had happened during the debate team debacle, her trip to Radley to see her, and then again now.
She knocked back her drink, and gave her a smile. Spencer ordered a third round, smiling back at her.
'You look nice.'
Spencer told her when they were halfway through their respective third drinks. She found herself flushed and for a moment couldn't think up a response. Which was strange because she always had something to say.
'Thanks, so do you.'
And she did. Spencer was dolled up in a dark blue dress, one of the other things Hanna had left in were the "bridesmaids" matching dress colour. Spencer, Ali, Aria and Emily were all in a different variation of a navy dress. She wore red.
'No, I mean you look really nice.'
Spencer moved her hand up to tuck a loose strand of her hair that had come loose, but stopped herself before she touched her. She felt almost disappointed. It was an utter embarrassment to her reputation, but Spencer's appalling flirting was actually working.
'Yeah well, makeup and a cute dress can do wonders.'
Playing hard to get never got old, and it also helped her not get attached as easily. If she got attached to every guy that called her pretty then there wouldn't be enough of her to give to the next guy who just wanted to sleep with her.
Or girl. They too were not immune to the female brand of masculine fickleness.
Spencer raised her eyebrows at her, giving her a look. Mona knew that look, it meant she was too dumb to grasp what Spencer was saying.
That's what it used to mean, anyway.
'Okay.'
Spencer said slowly, as if she were thinking hard about her words. Mona could almost see the cogs clunking and clicking together in her head.
'Want to go for a walk? It's kinda loud in here.'
Spencer ducked her head towards the door, giving her a smile that she couldn't dissect. There it was again, Spencer was full of surprises. It was why she was the one Mona had wanted to recruit for her team; because she fascinated her.
'Sure.'
They polished off the last of their drinks and slipped quietly out of the room. No one would miss them anyway, neither of them were the life of the party type.
They walked down to the foyer in silence. However, it was a comfortable silence, and their shoulders brushed occasionally while they walked. She wasn't entirely sure where they were headed, and was mostly following Spencer to see if she knew.
She was led to a bench tucked around the corner of the building. It was something she had known was there when it had only been Radley, but never sought it out and sat there. It was a lot easier to get in and out of Radley when you didn't sit on its grounds and let people see you.
'Something bugging you?'
She asked, pressing her hands into the cold stone bench, leaning back onto them. Spencer had a pensive look on her face, and she wasn't really a friend of Spencer's but she could tell something was off.
'I don't know.'
Spencer replied, staring off into the distance. A field stretched from the west of the hotel, covered in wildflowers and weeds. The wind picked up suddenly and she shivered in her sleeveless dress.
'You cold?'
Spencer asked her, her gaze snapping to her. Concern was etched deep into her face, Mona wasn't entirely sure why.
'A little.'
Rubbing her hands up and down her arms helped little, and eventually she let her arms fall to her lap. Spencer was silent until she stopped. Then as if overtaken by a strange sudden force of confidence, placed a hand on her thigh.
'I think I know a way to warm up.'
Butterflies seemed to be performing aerial tricks in her stomach, as Spencer shifted to face her, a shy grin gracing her face. A flustered giggle fought to escape her mouth, but she resisted the urge because she had self respect.
Instead, she tilted her head a little. Fluttered her eyelashes, in a way she knew for certain drove boys wild. And then said in her most innocent voice:
'What?'
She knew perfectly well what was coming. And yet when Spencer placed a hand on her jaw, tilting it up to kiss her; it took her a little by surprise. She knew the move, but hadn't expected Spencer to go through with it, with her.
It was sort of marvelous and dangerous, kissing her. Her lips were soft, and so tempting that it was odd to imagine that she had harboured sick dislike for someone who could kiss her so well. Spencer kissed her like she longed for her, needed her.
There was the possibility that it was the alcohol talking, but at that moment she didn't care. She wanted her back just as much.
'I'm still cold, let's go inside.'
She whispered into Spencer's lips as they parted briefly to breathe. Spencer licked her lips, eyeing her with a hunger that Mona knew was mutual. This was something they had both wanted for a long time, but were only now realising.
Spencer took her hand and pulled her up from the bench. They walked together from the bench into the reception, their speed hastening with every step. They both knew what was coming, both wanted what was coming.
The anticipation may well have killed her.
Perhaps it might have been better to wait till they were in the room, the wrong person could have used the lift at that time. But they didn't, their ride was undisturbed and she couldn't wait. She suspected that Spencer was finding it hard to do either.
When the lift doors slid back open she grabbed the key in one hand, Spencer's in her other.
This time it was her turn to lead.
_
By the time Mona woke, sunlight was shining through the thin white curtains.
At the time she hadn't cared, but now she was very glad they were a bit too thick to see inside the room. Ashley Marin knew what her customers wanted, or more likely what they got up to in the rooms; and she was grateful for it.
For a moment her mind relished in what happened last night. A smile played out on her lips, rare and genuine. It had been not just good, but great. She hadn't felt that sort of connection since Mike.
The room was calm and silent, and she was half tempted to roll over and go back to sleep. It was quiet, not a sound could be heard but the slight bustle from the street outside.
Too quiet, she realised.
She almost didn't want to look over, to confirm what was such a painful truth. But again, Mona was her own worst enemy and she looked at the bed beside her. Half of the duvet was tossed away, pushed to the bottom of the bed. Only her clothes littered the floor, from where they had been rapidly stripped off once they entered the room.
Spencer was gone.
Tears pricked at her eyes, and she cursed herself for letting this happen. She was the one who left. She was the one who got up and noiselessly put on her rumpled clothes. She wasn't the one who got left behind.
This was why she didn't let down her guard. It always happened like this; she got comfortable, familiar and that was why it hurt so much. Because she couldn't protect herself properly.
The room was booked till eleven, so she figured there was no point in rushing out.
Leaving as quickly as she could wouldn't get her pride back, so she may as well get her money's worth. Spencer was not coming back, guess she was the one paying.
She had a shower, using up half the shitty hotel hair products and body wash, then put her dress back on. It was tight and creased, and felt like shame. She was fixing up what was left of her makeup from last night, with the emergency stuff she kept in her purse; when she heard the door click open.
It was Spencer.
'I thought I'd seen the last of you.'
Hurt could only be the word to describe how she felt. Why had Spencer come back, was it to mock her? She didn't meet Spencer's eye, and turned back to the small handheld mirror she kept in her purse. Biting her cheek, she restrained herself from saying more.
'Yeah sorry, I should have left a note.'
Spencer looked sheepishly down at her shoes, navy heels that made her even taller than Mona than normal. Her own heels had barely helped with that. But it hadn't been a problem, Mona liked to look up.
Was she supposed to feel sorry for her? She barely suppressed a scoff before she noticed what Spencer was holding.
'Meeting someone?'
She asked with a raised eyebrow, referring to the two cups of coffee and paper bag in Spencer's hand. Maybe she had asked someone to meet her, and had expected Mona to have left by now.
Whatever. She wasn't leaving. She didn't care if it made Spencer and her friend uncomfortable, let it.
'I got us breakfast.'
Spencer replied holding up the cups and bag, a perplexed look on her face. Warmness spread inside Mona's chest, though she was too bitter to acknowledge it. She shot Spencer a side glare, telling her she couldn't be bothered with her.
'I don't eat breakfast.'
Only on rare occasions did she. Special weekends or holidays allowed for breakfast, but generally she had a cup of coffee and got on with her day.
'Well today you do. Look I'm sorry I left, indulge me. Please.'
Spencer said, a kind smile on her face. Later Mona would convince herself it was because she was hungry and last night's debacle had put a strain on her; but really it was because coming back with breakfast felt like an olive branch.
A new start.
'Alright.'
She couldn't say no to free coffee and pastries now could she?
'But let's get out of here first, this place still gives me the creeps.'
Spencer shuddered as they walked down the hall towards the lifts. Mona laughed at her, glad that someone else understood what being here was really like.
They sat outside the building a while, on what Mona now dubbed 'their bench'.
Spencer handed her a coffee and guess she wasn't the only one who knew the other's coffee orders. She had probably picked it up from her brief membership in the -A team. Still, it was a pleasant gesture and Mona wasn't one to look a gift in the horse's mouth.
At first they agreed to split the pastries, but Mona was allergic to pistachios and Spencer found plain croissants dull. Mona than promptly called her a freak for it, Spencer laughed and she enjoyed that fact.
'We should do this again sometime, coffee I mean.'
Spencer blurted out as they arrived at their cars and Mona had turned her back to leave. She thought she would like that. It had been a better morning than she would have had otherwise, alone in her apartment.
'We should.'
She turned round to say, a hint of a smile on her lips.
'I'm free next Tuesday.'
Something in Spencer's voice seemed almost urgent, like she actually wanted to see her again. Almost excited. It was peculiar to hear, not many people had been excited or wanted to see her in a long time. Other than when the person needed something.
'You have my number. Call me.'
Now the ball was in Spencer's court. If they were to go out again, as friends she supposed, it would be Spencer's choice. It meant in the likelihood that Spencer would freak out in a few days that she had been somewhat interested in her, she had the choice to not call her. There wouldn't have to be any more meetups.
And while this had been pleasant, she kind of did want another one to happen. It had been nice to hang out with someone who might even call her a friend. Regardless of her own feelings, she was not going to hope for another one.
She only looked back at Spencer when she drove away. Spencer had not moved.
Hope blossomed in her chest.
_