Work Text:
2025, December XX
When the nights stretch longer and the breeze bites his skin, those are the days that Sunwoo doesn’t like the idea of going home.
The expanse of a two-bedroom apartment seems daunting at this time of year. An empty fridge, the echoing halls, the dish soap that now takes longer to finish, and the remote that never seems to move where he last put it. A light that never turns off without him making an effort to. Well, at least he doesn’t need to schedule his showers and no one complains when he plays his music too loud, not that it makes it less lonely.
Sunwoo sits on the floor of their practice room. His limbs are sore and he’s waiting for the topical muscle patches to get passed around. During their down time between practices, he’s forced to listen to the songs Eric plays on the speaker as stares at the mirror, watching his members cool down, always a bit too few for his liking.
Younghoon makes his way towards him and passes him a patch.
“D’you want me to put it on for you?” Sweet and kind Younghoon will always ask him this. Then without missing a beat, “Are you coming over later? We might be ordering pizza again,” he continues before he shouts in Chanhee’s direction to ask for the dinner menu tonight.
He’s been crashing in Changmin, Chanhee, and Younghoon’s apartment for a while now that they’ve been telling him to just move back with them. Sunwoo always dismisses it, telling them that he’s too lazy to move or that he doesn’t want to live in a shoebox again.
He thanks Younghoon’s work on his back. He watches him flee to another member as he feels the patch ease some of his muscle pain. He thinks about Younghoon’s invitation, he thinks about his sore back and the consequences of sleeping on the couch when he’s got one, no, two fully functional beds in his own apartment.
His own apartment, he mulls it over as he tries to humor himself. Should he be saying that he’s a proud home owner at the age of twenty-five?
“You look so crazy right now,” Eric says as he approaches him. Sunwoo looks behind to check how he looked in the mirror. His sweaty hair sticks to his forehead and the dark circles under his eyes aren’t covered by a heavy helping of concealer. He looks like a regular guy, he thinks. He sits in front of Sunwoo and scrolls on his phone. “Check your phone.”
Sunwoo’s moment of silence and introspection probably ends here. He sees a couple of notifications from his messaging app. He sees that it’s from a group chat that survived several phone number changes and the passage of time. They made it back when they were rookies, wanting a place to cherish the remaining time of their youth without bothering their Hyungs.
2 messages from 0099ZZZZ
Sunwoo’s heart momentarily skips a beat.
“Hyunjun’s wondering if we’re still free on the 23rd,” Eric says and Sunwoo can finally breathe again. He opens the chat as Eric begins to type.
0099ZZZZ
Hyunjunie
Hey
R we still free on 23?
Sunwoo’s busy with three different performances for the year-end stages. Idol Radio also makes it conflicting for him and Eric to have the same free schedule. He remembers the upcoming fansign overseas, too.
“I think we’re free after gayo,” Eric says.
Something lights up in Sunwoo’s chest. “I’m free?”
They both calculate the schedules in their heads for a moment before confirming. Eric confirms it with Hyunjun before Sunwoo can stop him.
“No, I can’t go,” Sunwoo says. He can hear the blood in his ears. What is he doing? Where will he even go? Eric looks at him like he’s about to whine. “Okay, I might be late,” he says.
Eric’s eyebrows furrow. “Don’t spread yourself thin. It’s a day off.” Sunwoo can only roll his eyes in response.
Another notification pops up on their phone.
0099ZZZZ
TBZ.Eric
Too busy on 23 :(((((
Wait were free on the 26th
Hyunjunie
Fuck now i have to buy a gift for xmas too?
Sunwoo chortles at his friends. He glances at Eric and watches how intently he looks at his phone. Surely, he’s not offended by Hyunjun’s reply, is he? He reads Hyunjun’s message again and the others, he sees a number next to all of them, ‘1’.
The amount of people in the group chat that hasn’t seen the message or are purposely ignoring it. A new phone number?, Sunwoo doesn’t have the courage to try confirming that.
Eric’s phone stops playing music. The entire practice room is suddenly filled with silence, comfortable for everyone else but him. It’s not usually as quiet as this. Down a quarter of what they started with. He closes his eyes and pretends that it’s a packed house. Thinking back to the somewhat better days. Sangyeon would’ve probably been telling them to return to practice. Kevin would be belting out opera pieces whatever kind of musical he’s into currently. And… well he feels that in that apartment, too. Silence can be too loud sometimes.
How sudden has it been? Sunwoo feels like he just finished a marathon and he’s already been signed up for another one. And he can’t complain, so he just keeps on running. Try and stop Sunwoo on the street and ask him if he’s okay, he’ll probably start sparring out of self-defense.
He looks at the group chat once more before his screen dims and turns off on him. It’s always been quiet, actually. Except in early spring where they’ll meet twice a week, one for each. He wonders how it’ll be this time around.
—
2025, June XX
Sunwoo feels his head throb and his eyes strain. He’s been lying down on his bed in the dark, checking his socials. He knows he should stop for the sake of his wellbeing but it’s either that or it’s going to be the reels and the algorithm from the stupid shit Changmin sends him.
He sees a notification from their official account.
He hears a commotion in the other room. Too many things dropping on the ground. The door adjacent to his opens. Quick footsteps.
Before Sunwoo can call out to check, the heavy front door thuds and echoes throughout the apartment.
Two quick notifications from their group chat.
TBZ
TBZ.Chanhee
Are you alright?
TBZ.Chanhee
What happened?
Sunwoo can run out and catch up to him easily. He can chase him down. He can also quickly run the other way. He shakes his head. If he’s in such a rush then it must be really important.
He gets up and makes his way to the other room. He looks through the gap left in the doorway. He sighs as he makes his way in. He picks up a couple of things that fell from the dresser. Sunwoo carefully arranges them in a way that he remembered. He picks up the diffuser and examines it. He didn’t know he kept the gift he gave him last Christmas.
He hears his phone buzzing in his room so he makes his way back. A phone call trying to come through. It’s from Eric.
He sits on his bed, the diffuser still in his hand. A gust of wind comes through and the room starts to smell like his.
He hears Eric’s frantic voice on the line.
“Dude, what’s happening?” Eric asks. “I can’t reach him.”
Sunwoo should’ve probably read that announcement first and foremost. “I don’t know,” he admits. He goes back to the announcement and skims it. His heart begins to feel heavy.
“Is he injured? Fuck, I told him to take care of his back.” Sunwoo reminds him of that, too but he hasn’t seen him in pain for a while.
“I don’t think it’s that,” he says. There could be thousands of reasons, he thinks. He hates that the best option out of everything is a mild health problem. A cold or sprain. Can be fixed with a couple weeks of rest at home. “He left a couple minutes ago.”
He thinks about him. He’s strong. His mentality is better than his, at least (but Sunwoo’s been trying). He’ll confide in him, probably. They talk about everything, anyway. That’s their whole thing.
“You still there?” Eric asks.
“Yeah, my bad,” Sunwoo replies. He stands up and moves around his room. “I mean. I’m sure it’ll blow over in the morning,” he says. He’ll get an explanation, not that he feels entitled to one. “It’s a hiatus.”
“Personal reasons,” Eric adds. “Did he not mention anything at all?”
“No,” he replies. “I don’t want to assume things, ‘ric.”
“That’s fair,” Eric replies. “Hey, dude,” he calls again.
Sunwoo sits on his bed, he can tell it’s going to be a long night. “What?”
“I’m scared,” Eric says. His heart out his sleeves for the nth time this day probably.
Sunwoo understands. Everything is too new, too unstable, too unfamiliar and not in an opportunity type of way. Sunwoo knows the nagging thought behind everyone’s head. Such a fickle job, one wrong move and… he hopes it doesn’t get to that. Sunwoo hears Eric sigh on the other line. Sunwoo remembers Hyunjun’s situation but that ended as amicably as possible. He contacts him from time to time. Sees him occasionally when they’re both free.
Sunwoo remembers he has to reply. “Are you with Juyeon-hyung?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Put him on. I’ll tell him to calm you down–”
“Asshole,” Eric says with a chuckle. “That’s different– what did he say?”
Sunwoo rolls his eyes when he hears Juyeon’s timid voice. Sunwoo also remembers Eric’s hiatus, still fresh in his memory. Long distance calls that don't respect anyone’s timezone. Gladly, everyone was closer then. And they had fans all over providing endless support. Juyeon, too, was there for Eric more than anyone could physically be.
Sunwoo’s mind flees to Sangyeon. His dearest, Sangyeon-hyung. Everyone’s dearest, oldest hyung. His, above all. He wonders how long until Sangyeon hears about this news.
“Kevin said he’s in the company right now,” Eric said.
Sunwoo stands up from his bed before sitting back down. “Oh– how’d he… Is he in the practice room?”
“No, Jacob is. Jacob and Hyunjae-hyung are still in the studio and they saw him…”
“He’s in the company…” Sunwoo repeats. “So… I guess it’s not an injury then.”
“Yeah, fuck,” Eric says quietly. Then, he shouts at someone. “Where’d they see him, Kevin?”
Sunwoo hears a faint answer. Elevator. They saw him go up with the manager. What floor? Dude, I don’t know. Then, he hears a shuffling and Juyeon’s voice.
“Sunwoo, are you okay?”
Sunwoo didn’t realize he was holding his breath. “I’m fine.”
“You’re alone right now,” Juyeon says. “Do you want to come over?”
“No. I’ll be fine. It’ll blow over, hyung.”
“Sunwoo…”
He suddenly hates the way Juyeon’s concern for him feels. Maybe if everyone stops thinking about the worst then they’ll be fine, just like he is. He’s fine, he’s not worried, he’s also been great at shoving shit under the rug whenever things get too much.
He fakes a yawn. “I just remembered my early schedule for tomorrow,” he said. “I have to sleep, hyung. Goodnight.”
He ends the call before Juyeon can respond. He practices his breathing. Such a hot summer night and Sunwoo’s hands are cold and sweaty. He lies on his bed and reminds himself that he’ll know an answer sooner or later. There’s no use in worrying.
A text notification wakes him up from his nap. Chanhee asks if he’s doing alright. Another one from Jacob asking about the same thing. He looks at the group chat. No reply from him, yet. He had napped for a couple of hours and there’s still no answer.
He checks their text history. A text from a couple days ago with Sunwoo asking if there’s any juice left in the fridge. Finished it!!!! Can you buy moreeeee? Sunwoo replied with a thumbs-up.
He sighs in frustration. He wants to text him. It’s easy. It’s normal. Everyone has been on his case, texting him all night like he’s the one in the notice of hiatus. So, why can’t he do it for the person to whom it matters? Sunwoo has millions of questions racing in his mind. If only he could type one down.
Sunwoo tries to hear anything from the other room. He’s still not back home. He sees the time. He might be asleep by now. Probably doesn’t want to be bothered. He makes himself believe that he’ll see him tomorrow. A quick chat, a word of encouragement full of sincerity, a tight hug, then everything will be back to their normal.
Sunwoo sees him for the last time at the doorway of their apartment, two days after the announcement of his hiatus.
His heart skips a beat. Sunwoo’s about to leave to go to the studio.
“Hey,” Sunwoo says, almost breathless. His thoughts were racing. So many things to say, so many things to ask. All these words are all jumbled up in his throat. In the end, Sunwoo moves to the side so he can come in.
He replies with a curt nod. He lowers the cap covering his face and squeezes his way in. Sunwoo watches him make his way to his room.
His hand itches to reach out and talk to him. He shakes his head, reminding himself of the work waiting for him in the studio. He’ll be home to talk later anyway.
“I bought the juice, it’s in the fridge,” he shouts. He doesn’t wait for a response before leaving their dorm.
Sunwoo makes his way to the studio and buries himself with work. His phone buzzes a couple of times but he ignores it. He sees that the battery is at its very last percentage, he forgot to charge at home. He ignores it despite his phone being a couple inches away from a charger. Something compels him to finish his work and ignore everything else going on in the outside world. He let his mind wander once, and that was the thought of going home, with him finally back there.
Sunwoo stops by the convenience store on his way home to buy their favorite snacks. He opens the door to their apartment and was surprised by the amount of shoes that are not theirs on the doorway. They must’ve missed him too.
He reaches the living room and sees Kevin and Jacob there.
“We’ve been calling you, dude!” Kevin greets him.
“I’ve been in the studio,” Sunwoo replies. “My phone died,” he explains as he finally charges it.
With a meek voice, Jacob says “He’s gone.”
Sunwoo raises his brow. “Saw him earlier. Probably stepped out for air.”
The door chimes and Sunwoo’s ready to tell him all about his progress on his songs and the snacks waiting when he’s greeted by Changmin rushing in.
“I was able to talk to his sister,” Changmin says. “She said he’s on his way to Jeju.”
Sunwoo’s eyebrows furrow. He just saw him this morning. He didn’t seem too injured to need an extensive leave to rest, but alas. The reason crosses his mind, personal reasons. He watches as the three of them frantically text on their phones.
“Why’s everyone so agitated,” Sunwoo says. “He’s resting, it makes sense for him to go home,” he says as he tries to bury his feelings of being ignored earlier.
Changmin pauses and indignantly looks at him. “Check your phone!”
“It’s dead!” Sunwoo screams back. Everyone has been irking him lately. Always asking if he’s okay, texting him all kinds of encouragement like he’s the one that needs it. “What’s so important that you can’t just tell me directly?”
He hates the way his heart has been working overtime lately. He braces himself for the worst as he waits for his phone to spring back up to life. He tries to get rid of thoughts he can’t help. They’ve been through this before. An extended hiatus. Eric came back stronger. Sangyeon still has several months to finish with his service. He just hopes that he’s healthy and safe during his rest.
Jacob places a hand on his shoulder and passes him his phone with the same template announcement, this time with different texts over it. His ears started ringing. He feels like someone just dumped a bucket of ice water over him. His hands are starting to get numb from the cold overcoming him on such a hot day.
Words. A bunch of words. Words that he shouldn’t be reading in an empty stomach. Words that are starting to get blurry as he continues to read. He scoffs, shaking his head as he re-reads the statement the company gave.
“What the fuck?” Sunwoo exclaims.
He feels something setting on his chest. It’s so ridiculous he couldn’t form a single thought. He’s breathing faster and heavier.
Through bated breaths, he manages to get some out “Saw him today… Did anyone…? He didn’t even… say anything…” he didn’t even say goodbye.
“No one knew,” Kevin says. He grabs the phone from Sunwoo’s hand and guides him to the couch. A glass of water appears and he’s sandwiched between Changmin and Kevin. Kevin’s warm hand caresses his back. It was then that he realized that his shoulders were so tense.
“No one knew. We tried calling him. Juyeon is in the company building right now. Said he’s going to see if he drops by before leaving,” Changmin adds.
“Why…” Sunwoo tries to ask.
It feels like a dream. He feels so disconnected from his surroundings. Everything is suddenly sticking to his skin. No matter how much he breathes in the air, it doesn’t seem enough. He thinks about the last time they were together, just before that night where he left in such a hurry. The last time they hung out was in the living room, with no notion of tomorrow compromised.
Sunwoo didn’t recognize him at first. His hair was freshly bleached blond. He was opening a package. An addition to his room’s furniture that he had been telling Sunwoo about. Sunwoo sat next to him on the floor, passing him screws and tools as he built his dresser.
He lets out a laugh that concerns everyone.
“He just bought a dresser,” he says as if that explains everything. To him, it does. He just bought furniture. A day later, he had to leave in a hurry following his hiatus announcement. A couple days after, he’s suddenly gone.
Sunwoo jumps from the couch and quickly makes his way to his room. He goes to the dresser they just built and opens a drawer. Empty. He opens another and it’s empty, too. He doesn’t get it. He wasn’t the type to waste his own time like that.
The rest made their way to his room. Kevin’s calming hand is back on him, drawing circles that help him calm down.
“What’d they say the reason was?” Sunwoo asks, staring at the empty drawers that were filled with his clothes. It’s silent. He feels Kevin’s hand stop.
Jacob clears his throat. “They didn’t include anything specific.”
“Speculation,” Changmin adds.
“What does that mean?” Sunwoo asks. Speculation? What kind of excuse is that? He looks at Kevin who’s been silent. He calls him to answer. He begs for an answer.
Kevin shakes his head. “I don’t know, Sunwoo. The answer can only come from him.”
—
2025, December XX
Sunwoo ends up crashing in Younghoon’s apartment. He occupies Changmin’s bed, while the latter sits on the floor. Next to him is Chanhee, who’s playing with Domdu.
His head rests on his propped up hand as he watches Domdu roll on the floor and wag its tail when Chanhee offers a treat. The treat appears in his view with Changmin’s hand shaking it in front of him.
“Sunwoo, sit!” Changmin teases which earns an unamused smile from Sunwoo. “Sunwoo, bark!”
Chanhee pushes Changmin’s shoulder. “What’s wrong with you!”
Changmin looks at Sunwoo’s dejected state. “Sunwoo… open up!”
Sunwoo finally chortles at Changmin’s ridiculous attempts.
“Can I borrow your phone?” Sunwoo asks Changmin, the latter quickly holds his phone with vigor. He deeply sighs as he finally comes to a conclusion on what he’s going to do on his day off on the 26th.
“What are you gonna do?” Changmin asks.
“It’s… I’m not going to do anything weird,” Sunwoo says and winces at how suspicious that sounds.
“Borrow Chanhee’s instead,” Changmin says, which earns him a frown from Chanhee.
“No, I need yours. I just need to check something.”
“Tell me what it is,” Changmin presses. “I might give it to you if you’re nice about it.”
Sunwoo sighs, running his hand across his face. The ability to lie just leaves him. “I need… I need someone’s phone number, hyung. Please.”
Changmin’s eyebrows furrow, quickly changing into shock as he gets what he means. He looks at him like he grew two heads. Like his request is so unbelievable that he’s asking for that much, as if his pleads mean utmost disrespect.
“No… Sunwoo, you can’t bother them.”
Chanhee momentarily stops playing with Domdu to focus on them. “Who’s phone number?”
Sunwoo pleads Changmin with his eyes with the best of his ability. “I need it,” he says. “I have a free day on the 26th-”
“So? That’s three hours back and forth. And people will surely know, Sunwoo!”
“We’re not free on the 26th,” Chanhee interjects. “We have a flight to Beijing.”
“So?” Sunwoo exclaims. “That’s midnight anyway,” he says. “Just… Can’t you just give it to me?”
“Maybe if you stop being an asshole about it, I will.”
Sunwoo closes his eyes to roll them or else Changmin will surely poke them out. “Please, Changmin-hyung. I need his sister’s phone number. I can’t just do nothing about it,” he says. He hesitates before he continues. “Everyday I feel like something’s eating away at me. I need to know if he’s okay. That’s all.”
Changmin’s expression falters. Chanhee changes from shock to pity. To hell with it all, Sunwoo will take all the pity they send his way if it means he can have the chance at knowing something, anything about him after radio silence..
“She might not answer,” Changmin warns. “You have to be really respectful about it, Sunwoo, okay?”
Sunwoo nods. He knows how to act properly when it matters. Changmin gives him the phone number and he thanks him profusely.
He makes his way to the living room. Staring at the phone number. He doesn’t even know what to say, what to ask. Will she even answer like Changmin warned? Sunwoo wants to be respectful and mindful. A simple greeting, maybe ask about the whole family, offer words of sincerity, ask about him. If they refuse to respond then Sunwoo will respect that and swear to never contact them again.
He hears the door open from Changmin’s room and Chanhee comes out holding Domdu. He makes his way towards the couch and offers a smile to Sunwoo.
“Be careful,” Chanhee says. “If not for yourself, then for us.”
Sunwoo nods. “I will,” he says.
“You don’t even have to think about me. Think about Eric,” Chanhee says. “Or Sangyeon-hyung completing his service. Or just Cobie-hyung, should’ve started with that.”
“I’ll be careful,” Sunwoo says, meeting Chanhee’s eyes. “I promise. I won’t do anything stupid.”
“Well, that’s gonna be hard,” Chanhee teases. “Say hi to him for me, if you can.”
Sunwoo mimics the rhythm of his heartbeat with his fist on the door. Three quick knocks then he stops. A lull in silence proceeds but his ears begin to ring. He’s about to knock again when the door suddenly opens and he’s hastily pulled inside.
His head spins with the forceful grabbing of his arm. The door is shut close with a thud and a tentative hand on the additional lock.
“What do you think you’re doing, Sunwoo?”
Sunwoo can’t believe how long it has been to hear his name uttered in that voice. He heavily breathes through the mask covered with a scarf.
“How’d you know it’s me?” He asks, voice muffled, since he went through the effort of thoroughly disguising himself.
“No one’s stupid enough to do this,” he bites. Then, with a scoff he adds “Do you really think I won’t be able to recognize you?”
after everything? goes without saying.
On the contrary, it was hard for Sunwoo to recognize the man in front of him. His eyes were defeated and the bags under them are more than noticeable. His unbleached roots heavily contrasts the remaining brassy bleached hair that was supposed to be his new look. It looked like he had also forgotten about shaving, with the perpetual razor burn he gets being covered with a growing subtle.
“Seriously, Sunwoo,” he warns. “You know you’re not supposed to be here. You know you can’t be seen with me,” his voice, still raspy, carried a stern tone.
Sunwoo knows that he shouldn’t be here at all, but what kind of person would he be if he hadn’t tried?
He takes his back pack and opens it. “You left your shirt at home, and I forgot to give back your diffuser.”
He looks at him like he grew two heads as he stops Sunwoo from taking them out.
“What the hell? Keep it. There’s no use in endangering yourself like this for nothing.” Sunwoo couldn’t stomach the way he talked about himself, like he’s some plague to be avoided. “How’d you even find out where I live?” he continues.
“It’s not like it was hard to find,” Sunwoo says to feign nonchalance but he immediately regrets it when he notices his sudden agitation. “No! No, I didn’t mean it like that. I was… I contacted your sister,” he admits. “I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t have done that but-”
“You shouldn’t have,” he says. “Don’t do that. Don’t do this.”
Sunwoo catches his eyes. His name tries to crawl out his throat but the threat of spilling tears with it stops him from doing so. He wonders if he’ll say it weirdly. Over pronounce a syllable, butcher a vowel, have it be stuck on the tip of his tongue like he’s savoring it for the next time.
But, Sunwoo knows that in the path they’ve chosen, next times are hard to come by.
“Haknyeon-hyung,” he calls out. He quickly blinks his eyes and he swallows the sudden influx of saliva pooling in his mouth. “Hyung… I-”
“Sunwoo, you can’t be here,” Haknyeon says but Sunwoo decides to remove his covers instead.
“We’re alone,” Sunwoo says, placing his discarded scarf and coat in his arms. “I was careful, I promise.”
That wasn’t enough to convince Haknyeon. “I don’t care how careful you are,” he says. “You know what would happen if… if you were seen with me.”
He’s thought about it a million times over. He’s thought about it every time. In the practice room, in the studio, on stage, at home. It wasn’t dangerous before. It used to be their normal, and for a while, being seen together was celebrated. He longed to be seen with him, to be with him, again.
Sunwoo lets shame get the best of him.This silence, this awkwardness, like a wall stands between them and he’s getting cold feet all of a sudden. He wants to cross the line, he wants to tell him everything. Have you been thinking of me, too?
He feels that everything he wants to say will end up sounding selfish. Like he’s just here to clear his conscience. He wants to say something, but what does Haknyeon need to hear from it all?
“Put your mask back on-”
“I missed you, so much,” Sunwoo finally says, and it didn’t take a toll on him like he expected it to.
Haknyeon shakes his head, “You’re not listening to me-”
Sunwoo watches Haknyeon grow tiresome. Still, Sunwoo continues. “Can’t you let me miss you in peace? Even just for a little bit?”
He groans, he’s not getting through Sunwoo. “It’s not safe-”
He reaches for his arm that’s been holding the additional lock ever since. “You don’t have to protect me, here. You shouldn’t have had to.”
Sunwoo tests his luck. As fast as he had been pulled in, it shouldn’t be hard to push him out the door again.
“Have you eaten yet?” Haknyeon asks in defeat.
Sunwoo examines the small apartment as Haknyeon arranges the side dishes on the table. A one-bedroom apartment in the middle of a nondescript city. Barely furnished. He wonders if Haknyeon will have to move elsewhere after this encounter. He hates the idea of having inconvenienced him further.
Sunwoo sits in front of Haknyeon. On his side is a bowl of rice, and on Haknyeon’s is a tall can of beer,
“I don’t get one?” he asks, pointing at the can.
Haknyeon glances at the clock. “You can’t go home drunk late at night. Everyone knows you’re lightweight,” he teases.
Sunwoo rolls his eyes. “I’ll just say I was out for a run, no one knows where I am-”
“That’s the problem,” Haknyeon says and he takes a swig from his can. Sunwoo takes it as a sign to start eating. He tries the side dishes and nearly cries as he tastes the familiar flavor, how long has it been?
The comfortable silence settled in but Sunwoo knows it shouldn’t last. He can’t be too complacent with this. This can’t be their new normal.
“You’re going home after you finish, okay?” Haknyeon says and Sunwoo nods. “Don’t you guys have a schedule tomorrow?”
He nods, placing a grain of rice into his mouth one at a time. “We have a flight to Beijing.”
Haknyeon shakes his head. “The flight is going to be at dawn, no?”
Sunwoo shrugs. “Couldn’t sleep.”
“Have you tried going home?” Haknyeon retorts.
“Too lonely,” he admits. An open can of beer appears in front of him.
He fiddles with the drink. A thought passes through his mind. “Why aren’t you home for the holidays?”
Haknyeon scoffs. “I don’t think this is considered a vacation, Sunwoo.”
“Right, fuck. I’m sorry.” He forgot. He wants to forget it, so bad. “Still,” he doubles down. “We kinda expected that you’ll be back in Jeju.”
The silence stretches and Sunwoo can tell that Haknyeon doesn’t want to say anything at all.
Curtly, Haknyeon replies. “Court trials.”
He nods. “I read about that,” he starts. He takes a sip of the beer and passes it back to Haknyeon who immediately drinks from it. “The article… from billboard. Fuck,” Sunwoo breaks. “I’m sorry, hyung. I’m sorry I can’t be there for you.” Sunwoo keeps his gaze down at his bowl of rice. Counting each grain of rice. “I wish… I wish I could do more, I wish I was able to do anything at all,” his voice falters as he finishes.
Sunwoo looks up to see Haknyeon’s eyes glisten. A small smile forms on Haknyeon’s lips.
“You’ve done a lot, Sunwoo,” Haknyeon says. “You shouldn’t have to concern yourself with this. It’s not your fight.”
“But it’s yours,” and that’s basically the same thing. “I can’t just do nothing. I read it, your interview. Over and over again. And at that time, before the final announcement,” he pauses to gulp down the rice stuck to his throat. “I wished I texted but I couldn’t. I don’t know why I couldn’t, hyung. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, Sunwoo. You didn’t do anything wrong,” Haknyeon says. “You’re not getting any more beer. What was that, a sip?”
Sunwoo chortles. He takes what he’s given. He doesn’t push further, knowing that their conversation weighs on Haknyeon more than it does on him.
He pokes at his rice bowl. Sudden drowsiness overtaking him. “Can I sleep here?” he asks, on the off-chance the older will relent.
“I’m calling you a taxi in ten minutes,” Haknyeon says. “You have a flight in a couple of hours. You should’ve used this time to catch some sleep.”
Sunwoo tries to think about the schedule ahead of him. It’s the year-end festivals and an overseas fansign. He thinks about Haknyeon who’s sitting in front of him. When will be the next time he’ll see him again? Will he open the door for him again if he decides to come back? Will he still be here? How would that make Haknyeon feel?
For a moment, he stops thinking about work. He has eight minutes and counting.
“Will you be here for New Year’s?” he asks.
“Please don’t try to come back here,” Haknyeon replies, reading him. “You’re not… No one is welcome here. Please don’t contact my sister about me, again.”
“Sorry, I…”
“Let’s just meet when the situation gets better, hm?”
Sunwoo nods. When the situation gets better, He assures himself. Wishing for time and justice to come sooner. It will. It has to. Haknyeon has to be on the stage with them again. Next to him on the plane, passing the soccer ball to him in the practice room, knocking on his door from the room next to his. It couldn’t have been easy, It hasn’t been, but he harnesses this hope deep within his heart even if he has to keep it private, to just himself, alone, for a long time. He wouldn’t be a stranger to clandestine feelings, anyway,
Haknyeon’s hand hovers over his bowl. “You have to go home now, Sunwoo.”
They stagger toward the door. Sunwoo begins to put on his layers again. Haknyeon fixes his scarf for him.
“Why are you wearing the thinnest layers ever?” he says. “Don’t get sick and start bundling up,” he continues. “You know you get sick fast.”
“Maybe you can cook me some porridge then,” Sunwoo says as he sniffles.
“You have to learn how to cook in the meantime,” Haknyeon says. “Your ride is coming soon.”
Sunwoo looks at Haknyeon for a long time. Out of habit, he reaches away to fix a non-existent stray of hair.
“Don’t be a stranger, hyung,” Sunwoo says.
Haknyeon offers a quick, tired smile. He opens the door and Sunwoo squeezes past the small opening. Their eyes, although tired and strained, savor each other’s presence.
“I’ll try.”
Sunwoo arrives at the building past midnight. Their flight is in a couple hours and he felt like he needed to be with someone or else he wouldn't wake up on time. Sunwoo regrets not getting Haknyeon’s number, though he doubts he’ll even give it.
He thinks about going to Hyunjae and Jacob’s apartment. But, surely Hyunjae will press him for details and he can’t lie in front of Jacob like that.
He thinks about going to Changmin’s and they’ll surely know where he’d been. They’ll convince him to move with them, too. Something he couldn’t admit to them before is that he doesn’t want to leave their apartment because he couldn’t just leave the last proof that Haknyeon was there, with him, at some point in time.
Then, he thinks about Kevin who’s probably awake on the other side of the world. He’s probably too busy with his own thing and the last thing Sunwoo wants is to add his burdens on that.
Surely, Eric’s awake, too. But, he doesn’t want to be alone with him and Juyeon, he doesn’t want to be babied since he’ll surely spill his guts out.
Sunwoo had a silly thought of calling Sangyeon, then he got the chills thinking about the consequences of his actions.
There’s a lot of people he can go to and will surely be accepted with open arms, but none of them is the one he wants to see the most.
He goes to their own apartment. He goes past his room and heads towards Haknyeon’s. It was still the same as he left it, collecting dust. He places the shirt in one of the drawers and places the diffuser back. It’s almost empty, Sunwoo makes a note to buy more of the same scent.
He sits on Haknyeon’s bed. With my outside clothes on, what’s he gonna do about it?
Sunwoo had to quickly laugh away the heaviness that’s starting to replace Haknyeon’s presence in his heart.
Sunwoo stares at the stain on Hyunjae’s arm chair. They’re in the business lounge waiting for their flight. By the grace of God, Sunwoo managed to stay up just in time for their manager to pick them up for the airport.
It feels like a dream, or a memory from ages ago when it couldn’t have been more than several hours since he last saw Haknyeon.
Hyunjae catches his attention. “Are you not feeling well?” he gets out of his seat to place a hand on Sunwoo’s forehead. “You’re a bit warm.”
“Just couldn’t sleep,” he reasons. “I went for a… run,” he says, trailing off his sentence as he tries to convince himself, too.
Hyunjae sits back down. “Maybe try another excuse,” he teases. “How about… visiting a friend?”
Well that wakes him right up. Sunwoo was sure that he was careful enough to not be seen by anyone leaving or returning. Who’s he kidding? He lives in a surveillant industry.
Hyunjae looks around the lounge. The members are spread out around the room. Their managers are out of earshot. Sunwoo expects a scolding, but
“How is he?” Hyunjae asks.
Sunwoo nods. He’s doing his best, I think. Cause there’s fuck all else to do. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Hyunjae nods back. “Good.” He leaves his seat and goes to find Jacob to bother.
Eric plops down on the seat next to Sunwoo.
“You didn’t go straight home yesterday,” Eric says. “You skipped out on our hangout and you said you’ll just be a bit late.”
Sunwoo rolls his eyes. “Why is everyone keeping tabs on me?”
“So, there’s this thing called being worried about your friend-”
“I know,” Sunwoo says. “I was doing exactly that.”
Eric’s eyebrows furrow. “What?” he asks. Sunwoo shrugs and lets him figure it out. “Oh! Like. Oh. How? Why- I mean if I could I definitely would but-”
“I could,” he says. “And I did. And I swear I was being careful about it until Hyunjae-hyung suddenly told me he knew.”
“Well, he knows everything,” Eric says, then he whispers “How is he?”
Sunwoo moves closer, “He’s fine. I think. I don’t think he’s fine at all.” Who would be?
Eric places a hand on Sunwoo’s shoulder to console him. Eric’s quiet and Sunwoo didn’t like being alone with his sleep-deprived thoughts. Why isn’t Eric asking other questions? Doesn’t he want to know anything else?
He shakes Eric’s hand off him and distanced himself.
“What? What’s wrong?” Eric catches on.
Sunwoo tries to hold it in but when did that ever benefitted him? “You don’t get it,” he says. “You think I was being stupid-”
“No, Sunwoo, I don’t,” Eric says, his expression turning solemn. “I never said any of that, dude. And I do get it. Of course, I do.”
Sunwoo’s mind flees to Kevin. Strong, resilient Kevin who is currently in a hiatus as of now. But, he’s reachable. He’s mentionable. He can be back in a couple of weeks. He can be seen with Sunwoo and the rest of them in public. Be on the stage with them to perform. Hear his voice without thinking of a memory in order to do so.
“It’s not comparable,” Sunwoo argues. “Jacob-hyung said that Kevin’s back soon-”
Eric looks at him with contempt. “Why are you bringing Kevin up? Sunwoo, I… I lost Haknyeon-hyung, too. We lost him, too. All of us. And we all know that it’s taking a larger toll on you but you can’t forget that he still means something to us, too.”
Sunwoo stays quiet. He feels sick. Eric’s hand is back on him again and he doesn’t push him away.
“It weighs on us differently, sure. Kevin’s too. It’s different on Jacob, on me, you, everyone else and on what they’re capable of doing, of coping. I don’t think you’re being stupid… anymore than your usual stupidity.”
Sunwoo playfully shoves him away but he sits closer.
Eric continues. “And I think you’re very brave. It’s hard… to know all the things you know and feel and not being able to do anything about it. I don’t think I can handle knowing more than him being barely okay without begging you to give me his address.”
“I’m sorry, ‘ric,” he says. “I didn’t mean to snap at you.”
“Yeah you get snappy when you haven’t slept,” Eric says. He puts his shoulder out for Sunwoo to lean on. “C’mon, lie on Hyung’s shoulder and I’ll wake you up when it’s time.”
Sunwoo stares at him with disgust. “We were having a moment, man.”
Sunwoo wakes up just as they’re about to descend. Eric’s knocked out right next to him.
A brief memory passes by his eyes. Or maybe it was a dream, they’re usually about the same person anyway.
In his bright fluorescent-lit room, Sunwoo’s eyes strain as he stares at his computer. He's been workshopping his song for hours and he knows there’s an upcoming photoshoot for them later in the morning.
A knock on his door and Haknyeon’s voice calls his name, Sunwoo doesn’t respond, he doesn’t have to. It’s routine for Haknyeon to check up on him whenever he happens to wake up in the middle of the night.
He feels his warm presence behind him. A hand on the back of his chair and another on his desk.
“It’s not gonna stop sounding like that just because you keep staying up late for it,” he teases.
“So wise,” Sunwoo replies. “And it’s not shit,” he argues.
“It’s not,” Haknyeon says. “So, why stay up so late? You know tomorrow exists, right? You know what I always say: There’s always tomorrow.”
Sunwoo had to blink so hard at what he heard. It manages to make him look away from the screen. He squints at Haknyeon. “You have never said that in your life.”
Haknyeon’s gaze meets his. “I literally just did.”
Sunwoo rolls his eyes. He feels his cheeks tug on the corner of his lips. “Fine. I’ll finish up. You should go back to sleep.”
Haknyeon ruffles Sunwoo’s hair as he makes his way out of his room. “I was going to but someone keeps playing these funky beats over and over again.”
Sunwoo swivels on his chair to face Haknyeon. A fond smile still plastered on his face.
“Lights off,” Haknyeon says before flipping the switch for him. Another routine of his.
“See you later, hyung.”
—
2026, January XX
Sunwoo catches a cold but he persevered through their fansign, festival pre-recordings, and a live performance. After their last year-end performance, Sunwoo listlessly makes his way back to his apartment. Missing out on a gathering with the members because they shunned him and his snotty nose away.
He squints at the package in front of his door. He doesn’t remember ordering food. Maybe at the height of his fever frenzy he was able to place an order long forgotten.
He leans down and reads the receipt stapled on the plastic bag housing a warm, heavy container. An order of large bowl porridge and dak-galbi. On the special note section, it reads:
Here’s me not being a stranger. It’s not the same porridge but this should do, for now.