Work Text:
“Hello, patient 11037. How are you feeling?”
“...Like shit.”
David’s darkening eyes could only stare at the odd-looking screen in front of him. Not helping the screen’s eeriness is the cat-like body that it is mounted on. Although the motivational speaker didn’t have any energy to focus on anything but the screen, he wouldn’t be surprised if this bizarre machine-animal hybrid somehow managed to make the door to the therapy office vanish just to force him to see this whole “operation” through.
“Has the treatment been working?”
The silent glare David gave to the machine answered the question that was raised.
“So…what are your remaining symptoms?”
“I guess I…believe that I can’t be anything apart from either the best or the worst person…and it’s getting in the way of my relationships and wor-”
“So, basically, you’re still a little bitch!”
David rolled his eyes in response to the robot somehow breaking away from its programming just to trash talk him.
“Yes. Very mature of you, mysterious therapy bot.”
“I was just joking, snowflake!”
“Okay, people left that shit back in the 2010s.”
“I’m not human! I can say what I want!”
“Alright, cut the shit! What the fuck’s wrong with me?”
Finally, the machine gave out an answer in its previously-established monotone.
“Your emotions and logic are at war. Your creativity and analysis are at war. And, most simply, your left and right brain are at war. To fix this problem, I must separate them from each other.”
Internally, David questioned how the machine can solve his mental splitting with literal splitting. However, considering he was at the personal nadir of his mental health, he was willing to subscribe to a full-frontal lobotomy, if it meant somehow escaping it.
His mind didn’t even register the countdown coming from the machine, before an odd electric shock ran through his brain and forced his eyes shut.
Once the shock subsided, he opened his eyes to notice a tall long-haired being in a lab coat that was covered in a luminescent purple from head to toe. David was too shocked and confused at the being’s presence to register the eerie black void the robot appeared to teleport him into. The mysterious being could only cross his arms and stare right back at the bewildered David.
“This is David’s left brain. Objective. Logical. Cold. Analytical. Aware of patterns. He’s efficient.”
A smug grin appeared on Left Brain’s face.
“And a prick.”
Before instantly getting wiped off, and replaced with an irritated frown.
Another being then suddenly appeared from behind Left Brain, excitedly circling around him, much to his transparent irritation. Unlike Left Brain, this being was colored a bright shade of pink and was dressed more casually.
“This is David’s right brain. Subjective. Creative. Sensory. Aware of feelings. Aware of people. He’s emotional.”
Right Brain could only nod and smile at each listed quality.
“And an idiot.”
Not even the side comment was enough to phase Right Brain, for he only shrugged and continued to smile.
Upon hearing the electronic beeps echoing through the dark room, Left Brain began to sing to the set rhythm, his arms remaining crossed and a proud smile stretched across his face.
“I am the left brain. I am the left brain. I work really hard ‘till my inevitable death-brain. You’ve got a job to do? You better do it right. And the right way, is with the left brain’s might.”
Suddenly, the electronic beeps began to get more energetic, cuing Right Brain to start his verse. Unlike Left Brain, he was very mobile, gesturing and moving around his purple companion.
“I like Oreos, dick, and pussy! Yes, in that order! And I laughed for at least an hour, after watching Sausage Party! Carl! I am the right brain! I have feelings! I’m a little all over the place, but I’m lustful, trustful, and I’m looking for somebody to love! Or put my penis in!”
Almost as if picking up on Right Brain’s out-of-control hormones, Left Brain conjured up an image of a guy, the glowing bright red body being the primary showcase of its nature as a holograph. Or whatever Left Brain and Right Brain are. Speaking of which, they both stood behind David and, much like a boxing coach, began rubbing his shoulders and continuing to sing into his ear.
“Here comes a hot male, here comes a hot male. Puff your chest out, take your phone, and check your e-mail. Our evolutionary purpose is to repopulate. But since we can’t do that, let’s see if we can go on a date.”
David may be straight, but who wouldn’t fall in love with this apparition’s confident expression, muscular build, and passionate yellow eyes? And it appears Right Brain shares that same sentiment, as he looked at the creation with an expression that could only be described as “lust”.
“Holy smokes! I think he might be the one! There’s something about him! I just can’t describe it!”
Both David and Left Brain answered that statement in unison, complete with the same deadpan yet down-bad expression.
“Muscles.”
“I am the Earth. He’s the glorious sun! I want him to trust me! And I just want to-how do you say it? Choke me with those arms? YES, CHOKE M-”
Before the red hologram could turn around to hear the embarrassing thoughts spilling out of Right Brain, it was dissipated by an irritated Left Brain.
“Alright now, Right Brain. You’re being insane!”
“No, Left Brain. I’m just being alive! You should try it. You might like it!”
Although Right Brain continued behaving flippantly, David could notice his eyebrows ticking in a familiar way.
The same eyebrow tick that came every time some idiot in the audience demanded the answer to a question that was already answered five minutes into the start of his latest speech.
Anger was rising between the two mental sides. And David could do nothing to stop his heartbeat from quickening and matching the background music in its frenetic beat.
“I worked hard to give him everything he cared about. You try to ignore all the things that he was scared about. I’m calm and collected, while you act wild. I am the adult, you are the child.”
“You think you’re the right one every time! You think you know everything, but you don’t know anything. At all! Half of his problems were supposed to be mine! But you wanted everything! I hope that you’re happy…cuz he’s sure not.”
With a look of rapidly-rising frustration, Right Brain jabbed a finger in David’s direction. It was then that David noticed specks of liquid falling down and staining his pants. And it didn’t take a genius to know where that liquid was coming from.
But no matter how much David tried to move and wipe the tears away, neither his arms nor his legs could move from his kneeling position. His whole body could only tremble, as even more tears streamed down his face and blackened the denim of his pants.
Although he had trouble tearing his eyes away from David, Left Brain glared back at Right Brain with a smug expression.
“Well, according to my calculations, you are a…moron.”
“Name-calling? Really? We’re gonna do name-calling?”
“I’m not calling names, I’m just stating facts. And the fact is…you’re a jibbering moron.”
“I’m the moron? Well, at least I don’t play with toys still, okay?!”
“Rubik’s cubes aren’t toys! They keep my spatial reasoning skills sharp!”
Ignoring Left Brain’s indignation, Right Brain continued to mock him. But unlike the good-natured ones from before, these sing-song taunts had far more venom behind them. Venom mixed with righteous indignation at Left Brain’s apathy towards David.
“Left Brain plays with toys! Look at you, Mr-! Mr. Toy-Player!”
Once the taunts battered his ears one too many times, Left Brain swung his arm out, knocking the more touchy-feely side to the ground. He glared at him with an expression that could only be described as rage, as his cool-colored body started to gain hints of red, yellow, and orange, especially his brightly glowing eyes and clenched fists.
“Well at least I did my fucking job! Alright? I kept him working! I kept him productive! You were supposed to look after him! You were supposed to keep him emotionally stable through all this! Now you’re trying to blame me for how he’s feeling?! How he’s feeling! If he’s feeling unhappy, it’s because you failed him! You did this to him! He hates you! I know he does! HE FUCKING HATES YOU!”
As the argument reaches its crescendo, David could only bury his face into his knees and try his best to block out everything. The tears continuing to come down his face in waterfalls. The arguments coming from both sides of his brain. How his whole body was trapped and could do nothing but tremble.
And it wasn’t just David who felt this way.
As if mirroring David’s position, Right Brain sank to his knees and sobbed, much to the shock and regret of Left Brain. The warm colors faded back into purple, as he leaned down and attempted to comfort his opposite.
“Right Brain. Look, I’m sorry, okay?”
“...No, you’re nooooot…”
Frowning in offense at the obscene gesture Right Brain hurled in his direction, Left Brain opted to simply sit by his side. And luckily, Right Brain didn’t push him away.
“Look, maybe there’s something that we could do together.”
Wiping his tears away, Right Brain finally mustered enough energy to look back up towards Left Brain.
“T-Together?”
Right Brain felt some surprisingly warm and comforting pressure on his left hand. Looking down, he noticed a familiar purple-hued hand on top of his pink-hued one.
“Take the best part of both of us, and put them together!”
Although he had to lean on Left Brain to get up (much to Left Brain’s embarrassment), Right Brain sprung up to his feet, as the smile on his face finally returned. And it wasn’t long before David uncurled from his fetal position, and watched as both sides of his brain continued to hold hands, with neither of them daring to let go.
“I’m listening!”
“It would let you let your feelings out. It would let me analyse. So, you can man the themes! I’ll man the form! It’s something that George Carlin did, it’s something that Steve Martin did. It’s something special that we can both perform! Do you know what it is?”
After thinking for a couple of seconds, Right Brain finally spoke.
“Juggling! We can juggle, and juggle our cares away.”
He confidently put his unoccupied hand on his hip after stating his idea, while both Left Brain and David simultaneously facepalmed.
“It was comedy. We could do comedy together.”
“Oh, right! That makes more sen-”
“Initiating reassembly.”
Oh, right. David forgot about the annoying therapy bot, until its voice piped back up. With fear crossing their features, Left Brain and Right Brain grasped the other’s hands and gazed intently at each other, speaking frantically like it was the last time they were going to see each other. While this rapidfire dialogue was happening in the foreground, the disembodied voice started counting down from five in the background.
“Alright, Right Brain! Look, we’re gonna do comedy together, alright?! We gotta do comedy!”
“Alright, Left Brain! I’ll work with you!”
“Look, we can fix him like this! We can make him happy again, I promise! Alright?!”
“Left Brain! Left Brain, I love you!”
“...I know.”
“Experimentation complete.”
With a flash of white light, the therapy bot was back in front of David, with the two sides nowhere to be found. Golden flecks suddenly appeared back in his eyes, as his mind settled back down and he thought back to whatever that elaborate musical hallucination was.
Comedy, huh?
Well, David has always wanted to make fun of the world’s assholes and idiots on stage, and have a bunch of people agree with him. It just might work.