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It wasn’t like Enjin fell hard for Tamsy Caines. In fact it was quite the opposite. A slow burned romance spent over nights in the library studying old books. Sunsets watched over trash heaps and early mornings spent talking over breakfast. The enjoyment of each other. The slow growth of their communication and their connection becomes apparent to everyone.
Tamsy didn’t fully even understand his feelings towards Enjin. He knew he loved the man but it almost felt as if he didn’t love Enjin with the same ferocity that Enjin loved him and it scared him frankly.
Enjin didn’t know how to love without ferocity. Especially in a world as cruel and unforgiving as theirs. He wanted Tamsy to know with each kiss and every touch that he would love him to the end of the world. Maybe that was how they found themselves as soulmates.
A trivial thing to be bound to someone like that. True love they called it. A rare thing. Even rarer for both users to be Givers. Acknowledging true love though was difficult and only once it was acknowledged could the powers it allowed be passed through. In the case of Givers it was access for their most precious item— their jinki.
That was how Tamsy used it to deflect an attack, having picked up the umbrella after Enjin was knocked out. The weapon in his hand left him feeling powerful and strong and Tamsy felt like he had violated the man by using his weapon. If only it proved that Enjin was the perfect loyal boyfriend he so claimed to be. Vastly different from Tamsy’s closed off nature guided by suspicion and lofty goals.
Yet even as they grew closer Enjin could never use Tokushin. Disappointment flickering across his face because Tamsy’s love wasn’t true. It wasn’t even that. Tamsy had no time for it. No time for true love. No time for that sinking welcoming feeling when he was wrapped in Enjin’s arms after sex. They were a team now, maybe. A duo to everyone but the cracks were there in the stone waiting for something to rip them apart.
“Do you not love me?!?”Enjin’s voice bounced off the walls.
“I do!”
“Why can’t I use Tokushin then Tams!”
“I don’t know!!!” He yelled back and looked at him with tears in his eyes. This fight had been building for a while. Tensions between them. Enjin’s frustrations of Tamsy being his soulmate but possibly not having the soulmate truly love him back was a destroying thing.
“Well there’s something. You’re not telling me the truth or you just don’t love me back and that’s rather unfortunate,”Enjin was already moving up to throw on his shirt after having spent days wrapped up in Tamsy’s comforting oasis of hand crafted blankets and garments. They were tense. Tamsy sat on the edge of his bed gripping at the mattress, a cold finding his eyes.
“How are you supposed to tell me what I feel? That my love isn’t enough!” He spat back. “Do you think I do not see the glares we get at every fight and every passing. The looks they give you because you choose to be with someone who’s jinki you cannot use and I cannot do anything more than serve you my heart on a platter for you to believe that.”
“Tamsy—“
“No! They give you these pathetic looks because you choose to stay Enjin! I hear it. I see it! The whispers written in the walls because nothing I do is forced to complete that bond and I don’t get it!”
“I didn’t—“
“You don’t communicate with me, Enjin! And I’m the quiet one between us. I watch. I admire. I see how those kids give you the world in their hearts and ask you to hold them up! I see how people— how people look at me with disgust because here we are and you cannot use Tokushin. I have tried to not care how people see me, but the rumors spread like anima and even Delmon is questioning my motives now. Tense gazes aimed at me and,”He was breathing heavily. His chest tight curled over in on himself as the panic took over him. He would fail in his goal all because he couldn’t love Enjin enough because he was so bad with his emotions and putting names to them and he felt so helpless when people spoke to him about it. Dull nails grabbing his scalp.
“I’m never going to be good enough,”he all but whimpers. He kept himself so locked away from others. Even Enjin in all their time dating had rarely seen an emotional Tamsy. The man whose mask slipped so rarely other than one of amused content or that of a happy cat. The panic? The intense thoughts and fear in his voice. The gripping of his scalp and almost pulling out his hair as he couldn’t breathe. Enjin had only seen it once before. A violent nightmare causes the man to be inconsolable, driven into a corner because of his own past and Enjin could do nothing but whisper sweet nothings and tell Eishia and Delmon he was going to take a sick day. Delmon might have been the only other person who had any idea how bad they got even as rare as they came.
Delmon who had been the one to previously restrain Tamsy during a rare night terror to prevent him from hurting himself. Now it had fallen to Enjin as they were together most night anyways. The practiced ease finds him. The careful way he maneuvers his hands from his hair and skin and Tamsy fighting him every step of the way struggling to breathe as Enjin forced their hands to intertwine gently pushing him back on the bed to rest his body over the other for weight therapy. Eishia said it should help him regulate himself a bit better and ground. Only when Tamsy was a little more coherent although nonverbal did Enjin walk him through some more calming coping mechanisms and the two sat in silence holding hands.
“I’m sorry,”Tamsy’s hands signed shakily.
“Do not apologize.” Their fight had faded and left the two with quiet regret. Sure someone might have heard them. Though neither moved to get up. Enjin finally goes to look at Tamsy’s scalp and forearms places he might have gotten before Enjin had successfully pulled his hands away. His scalp was sore and red and Enjin was sure that Tamsy had pulled out some hair for sure. Not that he would tell him that. The blonde is always distressed at the idea of losing his precious locks. Enjin coaxes him to the bath where Tamsy finally gives in and relaxes against Enjin who washes his hair so gently and takes the time to brush and dry it putting it in a braid as he grabs them dinner.
It wasn’t like the conversation made their situation easier.
The tensions will be high. Their anxieties linger with every day, every fight, every single use of Tamsy picking up Umbreaker and seeing it react to his touch. Enjin only to grab Tokushin and be welcomed with nothing.
Enjin wasn't one to admit to failure or heartbreak or disaster but this was also destroying him. Day by day. He knew it wasn’t Tamsy’s fault and now Enjin felt like things were getting worse. They both suffered through pitiful looks and harsh glares. Tamsy stopped holding his hand and giving affection in public and unfortunately Enjin was quite the physical person and hated how badly the other flinched against his touch.
The love was there but something was going to give and Enjin wasn’t sure which of them would break from the pressure first. Tamsy in how the world was trying to destroy him or Enjin in watching how they treated Tamsy in return.
It was true love. The only sort of love that would allow for someone to use their jinki is the special true love between soulmates. Rare and special and something that will destroy one of them if separated. Everyone knew that. Even rarer than that was the true love not being the same for the other person. It was possible that Enjin wasn’t Tamsy’s true love but it didn’t change the fact that Tamsy was his.
“Seriously Tamsy leading him on like this isn’t fucking cool!”A voice Enjin recognized all too well. “What’re you gunna do pretend you’re in love until he dies and you can fucking steal Umbreaker?”
Silence. But he could hear the quiet uptick in breath. The slightest change in the familiar breathing Enjin felt against his chest every night. Could listen to forever. There was panic setting in. That Tamsy would cling to those vile words like poison. He kept a lot more on his shoulders than people realized. Like wings of insults and compliments and memories and the things that made him, him. Weighing down on his shoulders and dragging him down. Iron wings that kept him chained to the cage Enjin knew he should escape from.
And Tamsy?
Tamsy didn’t know when he lost sight of his plan. When seducing Enjin turned to falling in love. When that love turned out to be a soul bond for him and not the other. When the slow trust he’d built with everyone crumbled. His plan was falling apart and he was losing every single grip on reality he had left. Standing here as Zanka gave him the nastiest look, Lovely Asistaff in hand as he scoffed at the other.
“How pathetic,”Zanka instead chose. In a way Tamsy was powerful and used to just kill everyone in the building but… it wouldn’t further his goal. Thus he needed to end these charades. Tired of the panic of his past. Tired of the plots that’d been built up and so easily destroyed.
Because that was the thing wasn’t it? Tamsy knew he felt something for Enjin. Had felt it for a very long time even as he bolted to his room to face the oncoming panic attack.
It wasn’t like they hadn’t been to Eishia or Alice. Was there something wrong with Tamsy? There was always something wrong and he could have told them that. Eisha had said something about needing a push. Tamsy didn’t know what she meant. Akuta was going on a trip soon.
He just had to wait until then and this could all be finished. He ignored the knocks at his door and nails in his palms and the concerned voice of Enjin finding him.
The thing about Tamsy is that even now Delmon prefers his flowers or working jobs solo than his presence. The man that had once helped him through panic and nightmares now giving disapproval was its own sort of hell.
Eishia has put him on leave anyways citing his nigh daily panic attacks. Semiu checking in on him with care. The two women seemed to be the only ones free of judging him and he appreciated them. Semiu would invite him to crochet behind her desk to get him out of the room. The mission taking team Akuta far longer than they thought.
Tamsy didn’t mind because with Enjin not around it made things worse. A few daring cleaners shoved him into walls. Corvus was out on business and even Semiu reminded them that they would be dealt with upon his return. Tamsy appreciated the sentimentality as Tokushin weighed heavily in his hand as he forced himself to his feet.
So when he returned to his room summoning Tokushin with a smile. Now he could fly for real. Look up and never look back as the ropes spread around the room wrapping loosely around Tamsy’s limbs with gentle familiarity until… he let himself be ensnared. The rope pulling taught and lifted him into the air. Wrapping around his neck and tightening with every struggle listening to the job given to it.
To Tamsy the slow choking to death was exhilarating in its own right. The loss of oxygen and struggling to breathe forcing him to come to terms with his grotesque display of beauty that was stringing himself up. No one would notice anyways. Enjin would be freed. Enjin.
His golden hair and tattoos and the way their eyes always found each other in a room. It didn’t even occur to him that Enjin might miss him. All there was to him was that he was a burden on the man and without him there Enjin might be free of his stain. He didn’t expect to miss Enjin so much or at least be able to apologize for doing what he was doing. Huh.
He knew he loved him but there was a settling feeling of just how much he loved him. If Enjin died he would have seeped for days and probably never recovered or recovered to only double down on his end goal of destroying the sphere. He missed Enjin like the sunsets. He saw the dim light reflect off his tan skin. The light disappeared into lines of red and black that Tamsy had traced time and times again and even kissed time and time again.
Huh… was this feeling the whole time True love. Was loving someone through everyone’s hate of you the real test for his life.
…
….
……
Tokushin reacted to Enjin’s grip. Recoiling and releasing its victim from its grasp in a violent spin. The distaff stood proudly and thrummed with the realization in his hand. Tokushin reacted to him. He didn’t have time to react as Tamsy’s unmoving body collapsed onto him.
“EISHIA!”He yelled, hand on his choker as his voice cracked. “Eishia please Tamsy’s room.”
“On my way,”she was running as it hung up and Enjin had started CPR desperately. Eyes closed. Angry red rope marks around his neck and wrists and Enjin knew they would be there underneath the oversized sweats he wore. His lips tinted blue and a sign of a struggle even as Tokushin sat heavily still intact beside him.
Chest compressions. Eishia was on her way. It was fine, he was fine.
Semiu and August had to all but pull him off of Tamsy as Eishia did her job. Did what she was with the cleaners for good. Ushering August and Enjin out requesting Semiu stay and help. Enjin all but collapsing outside of the door trying to wrap his head around what was going on. Tokushin destransforned at his will and he held in his hand with a death grip. Tears rolling down his face.
“What happened?”Bro looked between the door to Tamsy’s room and Enjin on the ground in front of him. “Is everything alright?” August just shook his head at the loud mouthed designer for once choosing to stay silent and offer his quiet support to a friend. Even Bro catching the weariness and nodding. He sat on the other side of Enjin with no clue what was going on but he had the motivation to support his friend nonetheless.
Semiu opened the door and Enjin all just scrambled up desperately.
“Enjin, I need you to know this is not your fault,”She starts.
“Where is he? What happened? Did you— was he—“
“He’s gone Enjin,”Semiu breathes out in a slow breath.
“Even if we had been able to revive him, his trachea was severely damaged and the ropes were tight enough to cut off oxygen to his brain for an extended period of time there would have been no guarantee he would have been the same man gettin’ up outta that bed.”
“He ain’t dead.. he wouldn’t!!”Enjin almost laughs breathlessly. “He promised he—we—“ He’s choking on a sob, almost hitting the ground hard. The soulmate bond finally snapped and taught to register. The sudden pain in his chest when he entered the building that he called up to being moody and heartburn. The ache of his body the closer he got.
This was real.
He was gone, their bond was destroyed.
“Show him to me please,”He all but scrambled up as he entered the room. Bro and August waited outside as they all took the time to really register everything that just happened. “Leave me alone with him…”
“Enjin please we need to—“
“Leave me ALONE,”he all but growled out. Semiu nodded and led the poor healer out of the room. Semiu must have moved him to the bed, head tilted to the side and jaw slightly open like he was just having a restful sleep. Enjin absentmindedly stroked hair from his face and more tears falling as he realized how cold he was. Fear wrapped itself around him as he broke down. Tears streaming down his face and pathetic sobs wracked his body in a pitiful way.
They were soul mates.
They were soulmates and Tamsy was dead. He knew the other had been struggling. Struggling with battles he quietly fought and things he wanted to do but found himself unable to. He should have done something more. Seeing how quiet he’d gotten, how reserved and how sad he was all the time. Their soul bond finally was complete at the cost of immediately being broken. Tamsy had taken his own life.
He didn’t move. The rigor mortis set into his body but Enjin didn’t move. Holding his cold dead hand and crying. He didn’t know how long he sat there. Maybe he should move and look for a letter to see if he meant to say goodbye.
Maybe there was the anxiety of not wanting to deal with it. That deep down whether or not Tamsy had left a letter didn't change the fact he killed himself because of how the other cleaners treated him. Tossed him around like he was trash and nothing more than someone who dared to play with Enjin. He should have spoken up to them more. Said shit but they always choose to do it when he wasn’t around and it wasn’t as if Tamsy was someone who spoke openly and easily about his emotions.
There he was losing track of time. Gris stops by to offer his condolences and all but force Enjin back to his own room so they could move the body. It was a fight but between Bro Santa and Gris they’d managed to convince him. It didn’t change the fact Enjin grabbed his uniform jacket and curled it around Tokushin crying himself to sleep.
Tracing the shapes as he woke up. Feeling the soft material of the yarn between his fingers as he stared. No one had to say anything. It wasn’t like they could feel the hole in his chest that ached. The slow burning across his skin. The sort of pain that didn’t go away after a day or two.
Even as it wasn’t like Enjin moved much. Gris sat with him at least. Zanka tried to stop by. Eishia did a room visit and as much as she knew, this was something she had never seen before forcing her to call in her mother, Alice.
Two days after he was buried. Enjin quiet throughout all of it. Barely speaking to anyone. Alice visited him. Her loud voice usually sparked joy in his heart at her spunk despite her age and everything that happened to her. She was unusually kind and unusually quiet to him.
“It’s called Heart Loss,”she explained. “When your soulmate dies it leaves phantom burns and connections within you. Emotions they felt, pain they experienced. It lingers in their loved one. Sometimes it goes away on its own, other times it’s a permanent thing. The truth is that there isn’t much that can be done for Heart Loss because not much research has been done on it because the phenomenon is so rare.”
“It feels like a part of me is missing Alice,”he whispers. He’d made himself a a bracelet with the string Tamsy used to tie up his hair.
“And it might feel like that for forever, I can give you medicine and guide the ones who love you but,”her voice trails off. It’s weird to him how soft she is right now, how quiet and gentle she is to him. He wonders if she used to be like this all the time. “You lost your soulmate Enjin, that despite as much of a hardass as you are, that’s not something to easily treatable.”
Enjin nods.
One day it might get easier but not now…. Not now.
For now Enjin will wallow in his misery. Watching as Corvus rips the cleaners at what they did. A moment of smug satisfaction at what they did. What they caused.
“Enjin I missed up,”Zanka’s voice cut through the quiet of his room. One of Tamsy’s patterning journals in front of him, a crochet hook in hand trying to follow the neatly drawn out design and stitches and things left by the younger man.
“I know,”he instead whispers counting another row. “You wanted to protect me.”
“He offed himself and we-- I-- I said awful things to him Enjin. That wasn’t okay and he’s dead and--”Zanka looked genuinely in distress. Similarly to the day they met with him in that well. A moment of love coursing through him because he did still love Zanka. A lot of his emotions being dulled down over the days since his passing. It wasn’t really getting easier but the pain at least was becoming a new normal for him. He’d asked for a new choker requesting a more bracelet styled one than a necklace. The sensation overwhelming.
It wasn’t like he was cleared for field work anyways much to his dismay. Anything to get away from the choking desperately apologetic eyes of his coworkers.
“And you fucked up,”Enjin finished for him. A shrug gracing his shoulders. “You all fucked up and Tamsy Caines fucking killed himself.” Zanka flinched at his words but didn’t deny it. Enjin took a deep breath. “That doesn’t mean that I-- That I don’t not forgive you, or that I do or will never forgive you. I think in time I will, but right now? He was my soulmate Zanka.”
“Enjin he--”Enjin shook his head opening the drawer and pulling out the plush box he kept tokushin in. Letting it unfurl in his hands as Zanka took a step back with realization in his eyes.
He forgot how few he told. It was one thing for an incomplete soul bond to lose their partner but a completed one?
“He was my soulmate Zanka, and now I will live the rest of my life with a hole in my heart. Good intentions or not he was just… very bad at realizing what exactly true love was and what that meant to him. I knew he loved me, Zanka. I didn’t need him to know how much of that love was true, or a ploy, or whatever. He loved me and that was enough and now he’s fucking gone.” Tokushin still thrummed with energy but even how Tokushin looked had changed in Enjin’s hands slowly over the few months since his death. Enjin let the yarn spinner return to normal in his hand where he put it away slowly.
“Now.. please leave,”he picked up his crochet hook and project hearing the man leave the room and shutting the door behind him.
One day they might understand, but he equally hopes they never have to feel his pain either.
A dissatisfying tragedy brought about by their ambition of thinking they knew what was best for them. How tragic.