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This was a bad idea. He knew it from the first second on. Not that getting drunk on a thursday night with Amanda Reyes would have been a great idea, but kissing her back surely was worse. And taking off first her shirt, then her pants, then his own.
No, this all had been a terrible idea. And still, it did happen.
It happened only once, but once was enough.
Three days after the little girl was born, Sinclair went to the medical station to see her for the first time.
Her skin was a soft looking mixture of his and her mothers skin tones, and on her head, there was a fluff of dark hair. The color of her eyes was still undetermined, all he was able to recognize was that they were his favorite pair of eyes on the entire Ark.
The newborn baby, 'Raven', as Amanda told him, was laying in her mothers arms, barely able to keep her eyes open due to tiredness. Amandas husband Floyd was sitting on a chair next to the bed, constantly running one finger over the skin on Ravens arm. He was smiling like it was the most beautiful day of his life.
Sinclair phrased his congratulations, his heart feeling heavy as a stone inside his chest. He knew exactly that this child was his. He didn't need any confirmation from anyone or any DNA test, he knew from the second he first saw her.
He wouldn't tell Floyd about what happened, though. He was a friend, and he looked so happy, Sinclair just couldn't bring himself to speak the truth. He would just let them be a happy little family, just like it was supposed to be, and keep away from them.
Floyd died when Raven was 5 years old.
He went to work like every morning, worked next to Sinclair like every day, when suddenly he stopped responding to what Sinclair said and Sinclair heard the dull noise of something heavy dropping to the floor behind him.
When he turned around to see what happened, already feeling that what he was about to see wouldn't be a good thing, his friend was laying on the ground, eyes and mouth wide open as if he was surprised by something, barely breathing anymore.
Sinclair immediately called for Dr. Griffin and tried his best to reanimate the other man but at the time Abby arrived, it was already too late.
He accompanied Abby and Floyds dead body into the medical section, where Abby wanted to make a few tests, even though she already assumed that it was a heartstroke that killed him.
Sinclair didn't find it in himself to continue working on that day.
On his way to the lunch hall in the evening, he passed the door to the room family Reyes lived in. Even though the doors were really thick, he could hear the hysterical screaming of a young girl, and his chest aches. It was a mixture of crying and shouting, rage and sadness mixed into one noise, and Sinclair felt as if someone was sticking a knife into his stomach. He felt the urge to knock on that door and comfort his daughter, but disturbing the family in such a situation would have been inappropiate and he knows that Amanda wouldn't let him get close to Raven.
With a heavy heart, he continued walking to the lunch hall. He didn't manage to chew a single bite down that day.
Finn Collins surely was a decent young man.
Sinclair met him a few times during lunch or when they passed each other on the hallways, but they never talked. He looked very confident and seemed to be wild at heart, but he treated Raven with kindness and respect ever since they first met when they were children, and he always did everything to make her feel better about her life, since her mother decided to drink herself stupid and trade Ravens food rations for more alcohol.
Knewing that his daugther was now dating a boy, that she slowly became a woman, made Sinclair feel uncomfortable and proud at the same time.
Raven was a beautiful person, inside and out. He was able to see himself in her from time to time, her interest in technics and her warm heart that always put others first, and the color of her eyes. They were the same tone of brown like his own.
He tried to talk with Amanda about her behaviour a few times, he visited her when Raven was in school, but Amanda never talked to him. She just kept saying that he should leave them both alone, that she had everything under control.
Sometimes she threw up while screaming at him.
One time, when it was an especially bad day, he threatened to tell Raven and the council that he was her real father, so that she could live with him instead of in this hell.
Amanda just looked at him for a few seconds before a disgusting smirk began to form on her pale face.
„She would hate you for not telling her, you know that as well as I do. She would never forgive you for lying to her for 15 years.“
And Sinclair didn't dare to put the 'friendship' he had with the young woman at risk. If she hated him, she wouldn't let him help her anymore. If he just kept quiet about his secret, he could continue sharing his food with her and teaching her the most interesting things about his work.
So he decided to not say a single word.
The day he told Raven that he made it possible for her to be a zero-g mechanic, she smiled so bright, Sinclair felt as if his inside was melting.
She was filled with joy and disbelief about her unexpected luck, and she didn't stop smiling the whole day.
He made it sound like it was an easy thing to do, to change the terms and to convince the council that Raven was worth the effort, even though it took him weeks of arguing and discussing and nearly losing his job that one time he annoyed Kane a bit to much with it, but ultimately, he did it. He knew that these news would make Raven overspill with happiness, and there was nothing he wouldn't do to see his daughter smile.
When Sinclair heard that Raven, his little girl, flew down to earth on her own, he was sure his heart stopped beating for a minute.
It was a suicide mission, and he couldn't help but shout at Abby for risking his daughters life, even though he didn't use these words. Abby looked at him with confusion about his outbreak before apologizing earnestly.
The days it took until Raven was able to make contact to the Ark, were the worst days he ever had to experience in his entire life.
He was sure that his daughter was dead, and he wasn't able to speak to anyone about it.
He couldn't eat and drink, he even skipped work because he just couldn't concentrate on anything else.
Sinclair regretted not telling her. He thought he was a monster for not telling her the truth about her father. He was so sure his daughter died, and he wasn't a father anymore.
When Abby told the others that Raven made it, and that the other kids are mostly alive too, Sinclair was so relieved, he couldn't talk properly.
He tried not to let it show too much, so he decided to face the wall instead and act as if he has to work on something there.
The whole time, he grinned like an idiot and tried to swallow down the tears of happiness that began to form in his eyes. He felt the urge to hug every single person in this room, but ultimately decided not to.
Once he had himself under control again, he continued working as if the news he had just received weren't the best he had in years.
Maybe one day he would have the chance to talk about everything with his daughter.
When Jaha came to the absurd idea that they should travel down to earth in the Ark, he couldn't decide whether to cry or to laugh about his madness. He knews that they would probably die either way, so he convinced himself to give it a try. What did they have to lose, right?
After he worked everything out, and they were all on board, and the starting didn't work, and Jaha decided to stay on the Ark, and they were finally beginning to move the spaceship, he was sure he was going to die.
That this day was the last one he would ever experience.
It was a desperate mission, dangerous and insane, but he knew that it was their only way to survive.
While preparing everything for their mission, he constantly felt the urge to just go back to his chamber and wait there until everything was over, until he died in his sleep due to lack of oxygen, instead of dying in a massive explosion in space on their way to get to the kids.
To his kid.
The thought of seeing Raven again, even the slightest chance of doing so, was what kept him working. Raven was worth the risk.
When he finally did see her again, he was relieved and devastated by sorrow at the same time.
His daughter was alive, but she was dying.
The boy, Finn, was by her side during the whole operation, and Sinclair was glad to see that he stayed with her during all these days she already spent on earth, that she didn't have to lose the person she loved the most.
The hours during the operation were stressing Sinclair out.
Sure, he trusted Abby, but she had no proper instruments nor disinfectant for the operation and even if Raven survives, it wasn't sure that she would ever be able to walk again.
Not that that would have changed anything about the love Sinclair felt for his daughter. He just prayed that everything would turn out well for her.
It didn't. She was alive, but one of her legs wasn't working anymore.
She was able to walk, but she was in constant pain.
It did get better for a few weeks after the operation, but it got bad again, worse than it was before.
Sinclair was hurting alongside Raven.
It pained him to see his daughter suffering, to hear her saying that she wasn't useful anymore.
He wanted to make her feel better about herself, so he kept giving her work, even though Abby told her not to work too much, because he knew how much she loved to be productive.
He tried to make her laugh with stupid jokes while they were eating their lunch, and sometimes it worked.
He felt alive everytime she smiled.
Seeing Raven possessed by this chip-ALIE-thing was messing with Sinclairs head.
She spoke in her own voice, but at the same time, it was the voice of someone else.
She sounded familiar and strange at the same time.
It was as if two people were trapped in one body, and it was creepy as hell.
Raven has suffered enough, Sinclair could barely stand seeing her struggle again. He felt as if he had to do something about it, but he didn't know what.
He tried to think of a solution, but he didn't know enough about this thing inside her head to actually be helpful.
He could just stand there and pray that the delinquents were able to save his child.
He just wanted her to be safe.
„She's all I have left.“, he said to Clarke and the girl nodded understanding, though it was impossible for her to understand it even the slightest.
He was determined to keep this secret to himself for now. Maybe he would find a fitting situation in the near future to talk with Raven about their relationship.
For that day, all that mattered, was, that she recovered.
The pain he's experiencing numbs his senses.
He sees light, but he can't make out where it is coming from and why. He smells blood, it smells like stale, but he isn't able to say why there even is blood to smell in the first place.
All he knows, is that he has to hurry up to get to his Raven, to his little blackbird. He needs to see her, he needs to know that she isn't hurt.
He hears himself falling to the ground before he gets to feel it. Breathing begins to get harder for him with every second.
„Stay in the rover“, he hears someone saying. He's almost sure that it's his own voice, but it doesn't sound like him at all. „Stay in the rover, stay in the rover.“, he repeats over and over again.
Suddenly, his daughters face is leaning over him, he can see tears streaming down her cheeks.
She says something and even though he answers, he doesn't even know what they both are talking about.
Maybe about the weather, maybe about Kane.
'Stay in the rover', comes to his mind again, and he begins to remember why it's so important to tell her.
„Stay in the rover.“, he breathes out while he reaches out a hand to cup her wet cheek.
Her skin feels soft and warm, it's a comforting feeling.
He opens his mouth to tell her that he loves her. Damn it, that she's the most loved person on this entire planet. That she is worth so much, that he wishes that they would have been able to spend more time together. That he wishes he would have been braver, to tell her that she is his daughter.
His Raven, his little girl that suddenly developed into a independant, smart woman.
He wants to tell her that she has everything it would take to rule this forsaken world, that she is the smartest and kindest person he ever happened to meet.
That he loves her more than he loved his own life, and that he would never stop doing so, even when he's dead.
Clouds begin to form inside his head, and the lines of Ravens face begin to blur.
He wants to tell her so many things, but all that escapes his exhausted mouth are the same words again and again, to stay in the rover, because that's everything that matters.
It doesn't matter that he suddenly begins to feel as if he is freezing, or that his vision blurrs more and more with every second. All that matters is that his Raven is safe. He needs to know that she'll be okay, that she isn't hurt.
She needs to stay in the rover.
„Stay in the rover“, he tries to say again, but his lips don't work anymore.
He hears Raven screaming as if she's in the distance, again and again, and he just wants to tell her to stay in the rover where she would be safe from the Mountain Man, and he opens his mouth again to tell her, as the world begins to get black around him, and he hears her screaming for the last time, before he's floating through an ocean of nothingness.