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₊°｡❆
I've lost track of the days we spent not talking, where did he go?
I've been searching for him everywhere. Should I give up, or should I keep on trying?
I didn't even get to confess my feelings towards him.
₊°｡❆
I still mourn him. I still think about him. I still wonder where he'd gone off to.
Why did he leave without a trace?
I never thought to meet him in the snow again but here I am, standing behind him while he’s still completely oblivious to the fact that I'm watching him sit in the snow while he builds snowballs.
I don't even know how I got here, all I can remember is opening my eyes and seeing him again.
Instead of running to him, I just stood there— watching him make snowballs, alone, and smiling. His brown hair blowing together with the wind in a satisfying manner, the light from the sun hitting him perfectly. His face is half hidden in his scarf, making his eyes stick out.
Isn't this familiar?
We last talked in the snow before you vanished, leaving me to regret not saying anything to you.
“Woonhak.”
I said, slowly making my way towards him.
He didn't even look back at me, or even acknowledge me, he just sat there.
“Woonhak?”
I said, tapping his back.
Instead of getting greeted by a warm hug or hello, I instead got hit by a snowball to my face.
“Got you!” he said, running off— carrying the other snowballs he'd made when I was still wiping the snow off my face.
It feels like home.
It felt like the Woonhak I knew.
Even as I wiped the sleet off my face, even as I felt the coldness of the snow, it still didn't feel real. But who am I to complain if this is what I've been searching for?
I smiled at him as he aimed to shoot another one my way. I took the snow below me and made a snowball small enough that it wouldn't hurt when he got hit but big enough that he would feel it.
I aimed straight to his knees so he’d fall.
Shoot.
I watched as the snowball made its way towards him. Straight to the knees, just as planned. He fell backwards, most likely because of the shock, not because of the pain.
I took the chance to run to him as he fell down. As I got closer, I felt a wave of nostalgia hitting me, the kind that makes you wonder:where did things go wrong?
Instead of extending a hand for him, I sat next to him in the snow—waiting for him as he regained his consciousness.
“Well hello there, I don't think greeting someone you left without any words with a snowball straight to the face is a good way to say hello, no?” I said, slapping his back in a joking manner.
“Yeah, but we usually don't even greet each other when we meet, don't we?” He tossed the question back at me giggling.
I nodded, we usually greeted each other with a hug or something.
“How's winter?” He asked, turning his focus towards me, smiling. “It's an okay winter.” I answered by clasping his hands. “It was okay without me?” He flicked my forehead with his free-hand, pouting.
“If I'm honest, I've been searching all winter for you. But here you are, playing in the snow while I suffered thinking you were dead or something.” I continued, “You really got me worried, how can you be so careless?” Instead of answering me, he just stared, probably thinking of something to say.
“Sorry, I thought you wouldn't care about me. Who cares now though, we're back here together again!”
He continued, glancing at me before speaking “You look like you haven't been doing well though, kind of tired-looking. I hope you get better. But now that we're here, let's enjoy the time given to us, shall we?” he said, jumping up, hand still clasped to mine.
I sighed before joining him.
“It's awfully empty in this area, don't you think?” I asked, scanning around the area.
He scratched his head, “I guess I never thought about that part. I mean, more space for us, I guess?” He clasped my hand tighter, swinging it.
Then, he let go, walking towards a nearby patch of snow.
“Help me build a snowman, won't you?” he said, already in the process of making the snowman's body.
I've always associated snowmen with Woonhak, so it's strange seeing a snowman making a snowman. It’s an interesting sight that makes you not able to look away.
I slowly made my way to him, almost tripping in snow and forcing a laugh to brush it off.
“What are we gonna use for the snowman’s decoration?” I asked, there's nothing around us— well, there's some things like small trees, birds, and a lonely road with little to no cars passing by, but that's really it. There's some sounds here and there too, of course. Sounds came from the cars and the birds. The bird chirps sounds like a morning dove. I didn't know they could end up here but, the sound gives me a sense of security, grief, regret, and nostalgia. While the car engine is the opposite, reminding us of the real world.
Some of the weirdest feelings mixed to one sound. It calms me down in a way that feels wrong.
Everything that's happening feels wrong.
I’ll savor the moment anyways.
He stopped rolling snow and gave me a moment of silence, thinking.
“You go grab branches, I'll use my scarf as the snowman's scarf, we..give up on the nose and poke holes in the eyes!” he exclaimed, grabbing his phone and taking a picture of the snowy landscape.
I searched in my pockets for my phone, grabbing it and taking a picture of him. It wouldn't hurt to savor the moment a little more, who knows after this meeting I won't see him again? If this is the way we say goodbye again, I'll probably just stay quiet about my feelings for him and mourn him again.
“Why’d you take a pic behind me? I'm covering the view. If you wanted to take a pic, you should've just told me!” He said, moving out the way. I whispered a quiet ‘thanks’ and took a picture of the snow. Compare the two pictures and you can easily tell which one was more beautiful.
“Woonhak. Stay here, I'll go grab the branches.” I said, waving my hands as I slowly walked away, watching him wave back, jumping along the snow.
Again, it should be a normal sight, especially considering the fact that we're talking about Woonhak. The same jolly fella who jumps around, throws tantrums, and is always energized.
Over the years where I met him, it seems like he had matured along the way, yet he still stuck to his energized self somehow. It's a refreshing thing about him that makes you want to stick with him. This time, this meeting and sighting of him, it feels rare. I don't know if it’s the fact that I haven't seen him in a long while or if it's the fact that nostalgia blinded me, but it's not a thing that I should worry or focus about right now.
It's a rule me and him share, a rule where even when you're down and in need of comfort from the other, we don't focus on the fact that you're down. Since somehow, we’ll always find ways on how to cheer each other up by each other's presence.
But sadly, ignoring your feelings isn't always a good idea.
Something that I've hidden away from Woonhak is the way my heart beats faster when I see him. The way I stumble while walking when I realise, this guy is really special in a way that only I could see. The way I look at him and the way he looks at me. I've learned to know that the feeling that I'm talking about is no other than love.
I've fallen for him, and that's a really big mistake I should've fallen for. A mistake I've sworn to never be admitted.
So I think it would be better for the both of us if I just stayed silent and ignored my feelings as the rule goes.
. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁ ᨒ↟ 𖠰
Entering the small patch of trees in the distance, I sat down. The reason I actually came here was to wonder about the possible ways on how I ended up here. Inside my heart, I should just enjoy the time left I had with him but my brain still wonders, how did I end up here? How did he end up here? Where will he go after this– “Grab the sticks quickly!” I heard him scream. I looked back looking at the tiny figure of him, waving his hands,holding a snowball.
I stood up, grabbed the quickest sticks near me and ran towards him, half because I was scared that he’d go missing again if I was too late and half because I’d like to finish this quickly so we could do other things together.
I wouldn't say that I ran like my life depended on it, but I also wouldn't say I was skipping my way there. It's like chasing after someone as you see them slowly enter the train station.
˚₊‧꒰ა ⛇੯‧̀͡uִ₊°｡❆
Upon arriving, he slapped me on my back in a repetitive motion. I couldn't feel the pain, and I think that was because of how numb I've gotten from the cold, but I don't know.
“Why did that take you so long!?” He said, turning my position to face him.
“Ive already finished the snowman's body you know, and I'm half done with the snowman's head. Look!” He pointed at the snowman’s head and body.
The snowman’s parts were divided, the head was on the ground still being built and the body was an averaged sized snowman body, sitting and waiting to be made. And there was this snowman standing in front of me, who of course was Woonhak. A snowman making a snowman basically.
The thought of that made me laugh, a real one, not the one I used when I fell in the snow or anything. And the thing is, I haven't laughed for a long time. It's funny how I actually laughed at a stupid thing that shows how miserable I really was without him. And that's not really a good thing to relate to.
“Soo..what do you think?” He asked, all smiley and hopeful looking.
“It's nice.” I answered, flicking his forehead.
“What was that for?” He jumped back in surprise, covering his forehead.
“That was for being greeted with a snowball to my face.”
“You’re still mad about that!?”
“I hold grudges, Woonhak. Even for simple things like that.”
“Thats unfair–”
Before he could even finish his sentence, somehow— somehow, the snowman's head broke. And even before I could react, he was already on his knees frowning like the snowman was more important than me.
I sighed,
“Is this like one of your tantrums again?” I asked jokingly.
“Well I wanted it to be but I'm matured now, I'm a changed man!” He answered by getting back on his feet and wiping the snow off his gloves in a classic Woonhak style—The one I fell in love with even after many successful attempts of not.
⋆☕︎ ˖
If you haven't caught on yet, I don't think I'll ever meet any other being whose soul is more pure than his.
The thing about Woonhak is he's always charming one way or another. You just can't help but get pulled by his gravitational pull into his circle either. It's a known and proven fact about Woonhak that you can't ignore.
Really, you just can't ignore Woonhak in general, he’ll catch up on your plans and somehow get you to talk to him as well. To put it into simple words: Woonhak’s the type of person everyone adores somehow.
After wiping his gloves, he started gathering back the snow and slowly putting the snowman back into place.
“Theres no use, just make a new snowman head.” I pointed out.
It would take less effort to just make a new head instead of trying to fix something that's already broken, it’s like trying to fix a broken glass cup with tape. On the bright side, it might work, but it won't last long— It'll end up broken again. I'm giving the cup about 16 seconds maximum, fill it with water and it's done for.
“Why are you so negative?” he whined, shaking his head as if he's disappointed upon hearing my answer. Another thing to point out about Woonhak is that when he's focused on something, he won't give up on it, like ever. You can tell him that he won't be able to do it, but he’ll still end up trying. Strange how he gave up on us though.
I placed my hands in my jacket pocket where it was warm and watched as he attempted to put the snowman's head back together, watching him fail over and over again in the span of a few seconds, maybe 10—He’s still trying to fix it.
If he just moved on from that snowman's head, we’d already be putting the snowman together now. It's a funny sight, especially when you know that it won't work. There was a moment where he just stood there, scratching his head looking back and forth at a fresh new patch of snow and the old half sliced snowman head.
“Is it really impossible?” He asked.
“I thought you wouldn't give up.”
I answered, taking one of my hands out from the pocket and bending down to grab snow. Then I broke it in half and tried putting it back together. It took me a few tries but it did work out in the end.
“Try again, look. I just fixed this snowball. You can do it, I believe in you.” I said, a part of me told me to throw the snowball straight to his face but instead, I walked up to him and placed the snowball in one of the snowman's half heads.
“Whats that supposed to do?”
He asked, staring at the snowball.
“Motivation.” I calmly answered, walking away and putting my hands back in my pockets to watch him fix the snowman's head.
“Motivation…” He repeated, staring deeper into the bump left by the snowball in the half sliced snowman head. Slowly bending down to fix it again.
❆₊°｡⛇₊°｡❆
I swore I could hear him repeat the word ‘motivation’ over and over again while trying.
“Stop saying motivation over and over again.” I pointed out, catching him off guard.
“Okay.” He said, still focused on the snowman.
He continued trying again and again, until I saw him stand up and wipe the snow off his gloves. Is he done? I wondered.
“I'm done!” He exclaimed, running to me and pointing to the snowman's head. “Do you like it?” He continued.
“Yeah. I do.” I answered, smiling at him while he's smiling at the snowman's head.
“Let's actually put it together and finish it, shall we?” I asked him, taking one of my hands out to hold one of his hands.
He didn't answer. Instead, he turned his head to look at me, nodded, and smiled back. and this time, at me. Then, he led me to the half assembled snowman.
Instinctively, I followed behind his lead, focusing on him instead of the path of snow.
He let go of my hand and sat comfortably on the snow, holding the snowman's body as if it would do anything. It's stupid, but at least he's trying to help. I grabbed the snowman's head, cautiously trying not to break it again.
As I slowly placed the snowman's head on top of the snowman's body, connecting the two fragile pieces, this all ordeal felt even more familiar to me.
Two fragile pieces trying to fix themselves and making something new by connecting each other. Familiar, no?
Is that what me and him have been trying to do from the start of our friendship years go until now? We knew it worked for a while and that it wouldn't last long yet we still cling to the tiny bit of hope left there for us. Cant say that worked out well.
Now that the snowman's head is connected to its body, you can barely make out the shape of it.
“See? Told you it would work!” He said, jumping up to adore the creation.
I placed the branches accordingly, two on its side and one in its face to make its nose and arms. While Woonhak focused on dotting circles to make its buttons and eyes.
“It's missing something,” he pointed out. Scratching his chin while thinking.
Without any other words, I took off my scarf and wrapped it around the snowman. “There you go!” I said, backing away to give him a clear view of the snowman now.
“That's it! Won't you be cold tough?” He asked, holding his scarf as if he's the snowman being given my scarf.
“I won't." I said, shaking my head.
Instead of taking that as an answer, he took off his scarf and wrapped it around my neck. Smiling at me while I was still processing everything.
“I knew you were missing something too,” he continued. “You and the snowman aren't so different after all. Both needed a scarf from someone.”
✧ ೃ༄*ੈ✩
As I stood there, dumbfounded. I fixed the scarf that was half covering my face.
“Thanks.” I whispered, watching him as he took a picture of the snowman.
“Why are you taking so many pictures?” I asked.
“Why aren't you?” He tossed the question back.
“Youre right, I guess.” I said, taking my phone out and taking a picture of him, hoping he won't find out.
As the wind blows, I could finally sense the feeling of security instead of worry now.
Why was I asking so many logical questions about the situation when I can just enjoy my time with him and let the wind drag me home?
“Woonhak, pose for me.” I said, catching his attention, making him do a peace sign with his hands. Then I took a picture, Woonhak as the focus and the snowman slightly behind him.
This is going to go to my favourites folder, that's for sure.
“What fun things can you do in the snow?” He asked, running around to cure his boredom.
“We could draw in the snow.” I answered before I carved his name in the snow. As if it's like a drag path.
Acknowledging his written name on the snow, he carved my name next to his. In that signature writing style he used. A handwriting that looked like a sixth grader wrote it.
Then I drew a snowman next to the small empty space left next to his name, symbolising him as a snowman while he drew me as a dog.
I'm usually referred to as a dog when it comes to animals that act like me. That's because of my usual energetic styled personality, but if you think about it deeper, me and dogs aren't so different after all.
Dogs come back to you even when they know you're leaving them. Even when they know you won't come back, they’ll still search for you, search for the you they once knew. It's a sad sight to see, especially when they themselves know that you won't come back.
I watched as a bird landed on top of the snowman, scratching it away like it was dust.
“Dang, I can't even draw anything without something disrupting it..” he said, frowning.
I watched as the sun slowly set into the snow. It's funny how I'm always the one watching, never the one admired.
Seeing the sight of the sun, Woonhak turned his focus towards it. Admiring it like I did. It was like a perfect sight, Woonhak standing in front of the sunset in the snow.
“The sunset is beautiful isn't it?” He asked, changing his focus once again, this time to me, smiling.
“Yeah.” I answered him, even when we both were staring at each other.
“Im thankful that I got to watch it with you.” I continued, smiling back at him.
Now's probably the perfect time for me to confess to him, no? There's a sunset behind him and our names were carved into the snow. What more could you ask for? It's the setting for a perfect confession.
˚₊‧꒰ა ✦ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚
Before I could even say anything to him, I watched him lay down on the snow, looking up at the sky. Looking at the result of the sunset, looking at dusk. That's what I usually do in my free time, did he pick up that hobby of staring at nothing as well?
“Are you making a snow angel?” I asked him, joining him laying down in the snow, still staring at him.
“I wasn't planning to, I was trying to see what you see when you do this, and how the dusk looked like again, for the last time. Thanks for the idea though.” He said, scratching his eyes.
“So what do you see?” I asked, staring at him while he's staring at the sky.
“Nothing.”
He answered.
“Look harder.”
His eyes slowly opened larger, acting as if he saw something.
“What do you see?” I asked.
“Hope.”
He said, in a tone that almost hurts.
“Hope.” I repeated his words.
“Where?” I continued.
“Next to me.” He answered, even when he was still looking at the sky.
He continued,
“I hope that one day you'll learn to forgive yourself for this.”
“Sorry?”
I said to him, confused.
Instead of reassuring him that he was joking, he completely ignored that and just continued talking,
“And I hope that you’ll understand the meaning of this one day.”
Meaning of this.
“You need to move on and learn to let me go.” He said, in a softer tone.
“Move on from what?” I asked again.
“Me.”
He still continued, this time looking at me.
“Move on and change your world for the better.”
“Why?”
“Cause I need to go away and I don't want you to think that I'll come back.”
Those were his last words before the alarm rang.
Before I remembered, he wasn't here anymore.
He hasn't been here for a long time. It's been one year and three months since he'd been gone. And it's been a year and three months that I've been dreaming of the same thing happening over and over again, which was our last meeting. It's as if they're giving me a chance to change things, in the dream universe at least. And every time, I chose to stay quiet.
Funny thing is,
Everyone had moved on, my friends like Riwoo, and Sungho, his friends like Taesan and Leehan.
They all had moved on, and it's like I'm still stuck here in the past, mourning him forever.
Maybe the dreams I've had of us were meant to teach me to accept our ending rather than trying to change it.
Instead of wasting my future by trying to change the past and trying to fight the inevitable. I'll start accepting it instead.
So today, today's the day I move on from him. I accept the fact that that meeting was our last.
Still, a thought stuck to me.
If I knew that, that meeting was the last time I'd ever talk to him, could I say things I wish I said?
Or would I stay quiet and mourn him over and over again?
At last, I'll accept the fact that he won't ever know my feelings. But maybe I'll visit him and tell him before I go and move on.
ִֶָ𓂃 ࣪˖𓉸ִֶָྀི ִֶָ་༘࿐
Visiting his grave, I couldn't stop thinking about how today could be like if I wasn't a few minutes late before he kicked the chair after the message was sent.
It's something I'll never forgive myself for. I have lots of things to feel regretful about, but by far. I regret being minutes late to save him. But again, to let go and move on, I'd have to forgive myself in the process.
Maybe next time I can watch the sunset with him again in the snow.
Or maybe some things just aren't meant to be.
I placed down the bouquet of Scarlet Zinnia flower I bought for him, hoping that that flower will accompany him as I move on from him.
“Let's meet again next time. I'd like to watch the sunset with you again, this time for real.” I said to his grave, as if I was expecting an answer. As I accepted the fact that he won't ever answer me, suddenly, his name doesn't hurt as much anymore. Of course, there's still a scar in my heart that's named after him, but it's as if it doesn't hurt as much anymore.
And so, I’ll be on my way now. I'll stop mourning him and move on. I'll let go of your hands and allow you to go your way without having the burden of me waiting for you. Thanks for everything, really. Thank you for the memories, the laughs, and even all the rough times we gave each other. You’ll always be someone I'll look back to and smile at without any regrets. But now, I'll follow his words and move on.
Which also includes me forgiving myself.
In the end, life keeps on moving without him, and it is about time for me to catch up to it. While he can finally rest knowing I'm back following life, which is easier said than done. It's still something I have to do.
Even if it means having to leave him behind.
˚₊‧꒰ა ⛇ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚