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Nightcord's meeting had already ended a few hours ago, yet Kanade was still up, no matter how late it was or the very cold room she was in without being sheltered enough. Her mind was worse than ever these days, and she wanted nothing else than to rot in her seat, to compose until her body gave up, although that was usual for her.
Sometimes, when her own mind allows her to, she thinks about how she's surrounded by love; she has Honami, who hasn't left her even in her worst moments; she has Ena, who's always worried about her, always valuing her words, and she has Mizuki, who's always making sure she's alright and who has the ability to brighten her world with just a few words. And obviously, she has Mafuyu.
Even with all the words in the world, she doubts she could ever describe what she feels about Mafuyu. When they first met, it was "someone who I want to save," but now she isn't sure that's the definition. Their relationship has grown so much that now it's not only the idea of saving her that keeps her going, but it's also seeing her in the mornings, eating together when Mafuyu forces her to stop eating those not-so-healthy instant ramen she always eats, and admiring her with that warm gaze that was only reserved for the purple-haired girl while she works on their group's lyrics. all small things that convinced her that the only word that gave a meaning to their relationship was love, and nothing else.
Now, she can't help but think about how little she deserves that. She has done nothing to compensate for the fierce, unwavering love everyone's been showing her; she hasn't saved any of them, she just has been useless. She has only hurt those around her, she was the reason her dad was in the hospital; she was a curse. Her songs were never enough, and while everyone was getting better, she was still stuck in the same place she had stayed in all these years.
Without noticing, she started crying. It started soft, like the tears would stop easily, but they didn't, and now she was ugly crying at her desk. She was so, so tired, but she couldn't stop now. How could she stop when she was always lacking something? when every note she played on her keyboard, everything she worked on on her computer, and everything she couldn't get right was a reminder of how she achieved nothing?
She forgot she wasn't alone, too immersed in her sadness that she almost didn't notice the hands taking off her headphones, trying to wipe the tears that wouldn't stop falling.
"M-Mafuyu?" she mumbled, embarrassed that the other girl was seeing her like this. She should be sleeping, right? She had school tomorrow, and she woke her up with her stupid tears. "What are you doing—"
Mafuyu didn't let her keep going, instead guiding her into their bed. It's been so long since she slept there instead of on her desk, and Mafuyu was so, so warm in this cold weather that all her protests died down in her throat, and instead, she left herself relax in the way the other girl's hand intertwined with hers, in how her gaze was fixed on her, and in how she caressed her hair and kissed her tears away. Mafuyu was being stupidly sweet, and she couldn't help but smile, the tears gone before she even noticed them.
She didn't sleep well that night, her mind still plagued with insecurities and uncertainty, but when she woke up, and Mafuyu was already gone for school, the warm feeling of her still lingered in her chest.