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The first time Thea died and came back, it felt like her essence had been passed neatly from one side to the next. Then, due to the powerful assistance rendered, gently placed back in her body.
The second time Thea died and came back, though, it felt like her essence had been ripped apart. She'd never been in so much pain before, and her limbs felt like they were made of cement with weights chained to them. Just opening her eyes felt like a workout.
Sunlight pierced her vision as she came to, groaning uncomfortably. She wanted to raise a hand to try and fend off the light, but her hand merely twitched instead. There was a soft gasp from the corner, followed by a set of footsteps hurrying in her direction.
A moment later, a familiar face popped into her line of sight. "Thea?" Lani asked hesitantly, a worried look on her face. "Are you really awake this time?"
Thea took a moment to respond. She blinked a few times, trying to adjust her sensitive eyes to the brightness to get an idea of where she was. From what she could make out, it looked like she was set up in her and Vacan's shared room in the monastery. That wasn't too surprising. The hospital bay in the temple was smaller and less private.
She opened her mouth, then closed it again, swallowing hard. Her throat was too dry to even attempt forming words. She coughed, then immediately regretted it as pain radiated from her abdomen. Stars danced across her vision as she waited for it to subside, her breathing heavy.
Another figure joined Lani's, blessedly blocking out the ray of light that was determined to beam directly into her face. "Here," Tora said gently, holding a cup of water. "I'm going to help you sit up just enough to drink, alright?"
Without waiting for a response, Tora slid a hand beneath Thea's back and very carefully lifted her just enough to gulp down some water. Every movement had her abdominal muscles screaming in protest, but cool water hitting the back of her dry throat felt like magic. Water spilled down her chin onto her clothes as she drank as much as she could. All too quickly, though, Tora pulled it away and, just as carefully, laid Thea back down.
"I know you're thirsty, but you're still recovering from the poison. We did our best to keep you hydrated, but keeping food and water in your system has proven difficult," Tora explained. "I'd rather have you go slow and make sure it stays down."
"Where's Vacan?" Thea managed to force out, her voice rough and raspy. She winced at the sound of it, but she didn't care. All she wanted to know right now was that he was okay.
"He's nearby," Tora soothed, using a cloth to dry up some of the spilled water. "I made him go stretch his legs. He's been sitting here for two days." She glanced at the young girl next to her. "Lani, will you please go get him? He should be over in, or near, the temple. I requested he grab a few things for me while out on his walk."
Lani nodded, then darted out of the room.
Thea watched Tora's eyes follow the girl out, then immediately snap back to her. "Alright, we have at least a minute to talk alone. What do you remember? I know it's hard, but please try to talk quickly."
"Tora," she said softly. "I died."
The older woman pursed her lips and nodded. "Yes. You did."
"Vacan is going to kill me."
"Vacan isn't going to know."
"What?" Thea exclaimed, only to immediately go into another bout of coughing. Tora glanced nervously at the door, helping her sit up again for another quick drink of water. "What do you mean? He doesn't already know?"
"I raised him," Tora answered quietly. "I may have missed out on a good chunk of his adult life, but I raised him. The way he responds to things, the way he functions... I'm familiar with all of it. And right now, he doesn't realize you actually died. I'm not sure what you felt or saw, but I could see that the amount of time you were gone was relatively short. Under a minute. But you did die. I think he was too focused on getting you to respond to notice, especially since I was already there pumping healing into you.
"There's a lot he needs to process. Telling him now... it would shatter him. He's a deity now, Thea. I'm pretty sure you've figured that out. I'm worried about what would happen if he loses control of himself. He doesn't have a lot of power right now, but he still has a hell of a lot more than he knows what to do with."
Thea pursed her lips. "I can't lie to him. I've already broken his trust by getting myself into this position. Lying to him on top of that? He'll never forgive me."
Tora met her eyes directly. "Is it really a lie if he never asks?"
She didn't get a chance to respond. The doors on the other side of the room flew open and Vacan rushed in, closely followed by Calissa and Lani. Immediately, his eyes locked onto hers. A wave of relief washed over his features as he moved to her side. "You're awake."
"I'm awake," she repeated back to him. She tried to reach for him, but once again, her hand only twitched in response. He reached out and grabbed her hand, covering it with both of his. "Vacan, I..."
"Have you had anything to drink yet?" Vacan interrupted, brushing over her attempt to speak. Now that he was closer, she could see the tightness around his eyes. He was fighting to keep his emotions contained. Of course he was — the girls were standing right there. "Or tried to eat anything? Mom probably told you we tried to at least keep water in you, but..." He trailed off.
Thea nodded slowly. "She helped me drink some water. My throat hurts," she paused. "Well, actually, my everything hurts."
"Unfortunately, we've done pretty much everything we're able to do with magic," Tora put in. "Anything left over will need to heal on its own. We can try to relieve the pain, but even that will get difficult, due to the nature of the injury. If you two are ready, we can start to go over what to expect?"
Vacan's grip on her hand tightened and his throat worked. But he nodded. Thea gave Tora a barely perceptible nod, trying to avoid jostling her already throbbing head more than necessary. Tora glanced at the girls, who looked back at her with determination in their eyes.
There would be no getting rid of them. They wanted to help, but can't do that if they don't know how to help.
"Very well," Tora took a breath and straightened up. "It's bad. Or at least it was. Like I mentioned, we were able to get most of it healed. But the recovery period is going to be difficult. Your spinal cord had been severed, Thea. That's not something people easily come back from, even with the sheer amount of healing we have access to here. We aren't sure how much it's been healed yet, either. Tests will be run once you're more in control of your body again.
"I'm going to try and help you make sure the muscles get stretched and used, even while you're stuck on bedrest. It's going to be painful, but it's better than having them start to atrophy. I'll do my best to mitigate the pain while we work. Hopefully, all of this will be enough to keep you from needing to relearn how to walk."
Thea grimaced. That was definitely worse than she was expecting, but it did explain why she was having difficulty with trying to move her arms and legs. She could wiggle her fingers now, and if she had the energy to focus really hard, she was pretty sure she'd be able to wiggle her toes.
The longer Tora talked, the stonier Vacan's expression got. She was pretty sure she'd never seen him so worked up before. Sure, they'd gotten into small arguments, and there were several times they'd gotten frustrated with each other during monster hunts. But this... this felt different. He'd made eye contact with her when he came into the room, but hadn't been able to look her directly in the eye since coming to her side.
Lani bounded over to them, coming to a stop next to Vacan. "How can we help, Tora?"
The older woman glanced at the girl, giving her a fond smile. "Your job will be to try and keep her entertained when she's awake. There's not going to be a lot she can do. You and Calissa can take turns helping her out when Vacan or I aren't here."
Thea smiled at Lani, trying to not to let her worry show. "I just hope I don't get too boring for you."
"Never!"
Tora laughed, taking Lani's hand. "Alright, kiddos. I'm sure Thea would like to get some more rest. Let's let Vacan get her tucked in."
Even from here, Thea could see the concern in Calissa's expression, but it wasn't for her. Her eyes were fixed on Vacan. She didn't say anything, though. Just looked at him for a moment longer before giving Thea a small smile, then let herself be led away by Vacan's mother.
The energy in the room shifted.
Both she and Vacan sat there in silence for a few moments, the weight of everything that had happened crashing down onto them all at once. His hands still gripped hers, but he had yet to look back at her again.
Thea broke the silence first. "Help me sit up, please."
"You really shouldn't sit up right now."
"I don't care. I'm not about to have whatever this conversation will be while laying down. It makes me feel like I'm being talked down to."
Vacan finally looked at her, his neutral expression starting to crack. She held his gaze. Another few seconds passed. Then he sighed and stood up straight. "Fine. It's going to hurt."
"I expected as much. I'm ready whenever you are," Thea answered, beginning to brace herself.
It didn't help.
Vacan slid a hand under her back and the other under her legs to shift her entire body at once. Even being as gentle as he was, her vision still went dark with the pain. Her hands gripped at the blankets and it was all she could do to avoid blacking out entirely.
A burst of warmth flowed through her, spanning out from her core and grounding her back to reality. She blinked the stars out of her eyes and tried to steady her breathing back to normal. Vacan had his hand on her stomach, his hand glowing faintly with the remnants of healing power. He held the cup of water to her lips again, letting her take several small gulps before pulling it away again.
"Thank you," Thea murmured, giving herself another moment. He'd carefully positioned her against several pillows, organized to give her the maximum amount of support. Taking one more steadying breath, she lifted her head to look at him.
"Are you sure you're okay to have this conversation right now?"
"No, but I'd rather get it over with. It's not fair to you to put it off until I'm healed up."
Vacan studied her face, then sighed and sat in the chair next to her bed — presumably where he'd been sitting for the last two days. Then he sighed, the tension in his shoulders dropping. He rubbed a hand over his face. "Thea... I... why?" He asked, dropping his hand.
For the first time, she could see the emotion he'd been holding back. Frustration, helplessness, hurt...
"I'm sorry," she whispered back. "I thought we could handle it. I wasn't expecting them to attack us in that moment, but we had a plan. It... it was going well. It was working."
He shook his head. "That's not the point. You didn't trust me when I said we should pull back. I had back up coming, and said we should have at least waited for back up. But you insisted on rushing in. If my mom and the other clerics hadn't arrived when they did, I don't know what I would've done."
"You didn't tell me you had back up coming! When did you even ask for them? Because I certainly wasn't there when you did," she pointed out, doing her best to keep her voice steady.
"You weren't listening! It was a lose lose situation, and I would rather you get mad when the backup showed up than ask, fight over it, and have you storm off alone," he shot back, fighting just as hard to keep his own tone stable.
Thea stared at him in disbelief. "You really think I would've stormed off alone? I was terrified of them, and you thought I would've tried to charge in alone? Do you seriously have such little faith in me? I wanted them gone as soon as possible, but not so badly that I'd do it alone."
"What was I supposed to think? You promised I wasn't going to lose you again," Vacan said, frustration and hurt creeping into his voice. "And then what happened? I almost lost you again. I tried to convince you to wait, but you weren't listening."
"We had a plan. We both agreed on the plan. And it was working. If you'd told me backup was already on the way, I would've slowed down. I was operating under the assumption we'd have to wait another day for them to arrive," Thea countered, her hands flexing next to her as she slowly regained more control.
"Really? Could've fooled me," he scoffed. "Saying that now, after it has all happened already, is a lot easier than actually doing it."
"All you told me was that I needed to back down because I was too close to it. I told you you're also too close to it. I wasn't going to leave you to deal with it alone, either, regardless of how powerful you are now."
He let out half of a disbelieving laugh. "I know my limits, Thea. I wouldn't have gone in alone, I would've recruited help from the monastery or sent the job back to the guild. Everyone knows I don't work without you anymore."
She shook her head. "There wasn't enough time to send it back to the guild. No one else could've gotten out there quickly enough, and we couldn't risk letting them get any closer to the monastery."
"And that's when we activate emergency protocols here," Vacan pointed out. "Increase patrol numbers. No one goes anywhere alone, traveling in groups of three or more. Children must have an adult with them at all times. If you see something suspicious, report it immediately. Before we showed up here, the monastery already knew how to protect itself. They made damn sure of that after Neonan."
Thea took a deep breath to try and settle her racing heart."It still felt safer and more efficient to take care of it while we were there."
"Even now, you don't trust my assessment of the situation," he said suddenly. "You're sitting in our bed, unable to move by yourself, and you still don't trust my assessment of the situation."
"Vacan, I do trust you. With all my heart and mind. You asked me why I insisted on moving in, and I'm trying to tell you why," she attempted to reason. "I admit that, yes. We... I should have waited. And I'm really, really sorry. I never intended for this to happen. I never wanted to scare you."
"'Sorry' doesn't change what happened. You're still so stuck on the idea that there was only one way to handle the situation, when the consequences of it are what led us here. Stubbornness doesn't change that you almost died, Thea," he bit out. "Again."
She recoiled. "Vacan—"
"Fuck, Thea. I can't... I can't do this right now."
Thea felt her breathing stop, watching as he stood up and turned away from her. "Vacan, please—"
"I need to clear my mind," he continued, ignoring her attempt to speak. "Don't be an idiot. I'll be back."
Vacan didn't look back as he started toward the door.
Thea forced her body to respond to her, using all her strength to throw the blankets back and drag herself to the edge of the bed. She barely managed to get her feet under her as she slid off, trying to take a step forward to follow him.
Instead, she collapsed into a heap onto the stone floor, her legs giving out immediately. A mixture of pain and tears blurred her vision, and with the ringing in her ears and rawness of her throat, she wasn't sure whether or not she was calling after him.
It didn't take long for Tora to return. Thea was barely aware of the gasp from the older woman and the hurried footsteps across the room. She heard what she thought was a soft apology before she felt herself get lifted up and placed carefully back in her bed. Even the pain felt dull, albeit briefly.
Warmth flowed through her again, different from before, but with the same grounding effect. She blinked a few times as her vision focused once again, her eyes settling on Tora, deep concern etched onto her face. Her hand was still on Thea's forehead, glowing faintly.
Just like Vacan's had.
Tears sprung back to her eyes.
"Thea, what happened?"
"I... we got into an argument," she whispered, looking away. "Tora, I don't think... I don't know if he's going to forgive me. He's really upset with me, and... I love him so much, but I royally fucked this one up."
Tora pursed her lips, running a gentle hand through Thea's hair. "He just needs time," she soothed. "Now that he's been able to speak his mind, he needs time to finish untangling everything he's been thinking and feeling."
A few rogue tears spilled down her face. With her energy spent from the stunt she pulled, she couldn't even raise an arm to wipe them away.
That only made her cry more.
"Get some rest," Tora encouraged, using a soft cloth to dry her tears. "I'll find something easy on the stomach so you can try to eat when you wake up again, okay?"
Thea didn't say anything. Tora took that as confirmation and placed a gentle kiss on Thea's forehead before leaving the room, quietly closing the door behind her.
She gave herself another few minutes to cry, trying to let as much of the tension out as she could without letting it become full body wracking sobs. She didn't have the energy for that much exertion.
With what little effort she had left, she managed to weakly trace a symbol on the blanket. A moment later, Brutalitops popped into existence. Immediately, he crawled onto her chest and curled up there. She could feel him begin to rumble as he purred in an attempt to make her feel better.
Calmed by the presence of her familiar, she took a deep, soothing breath. And then settled in to wait for Vacan. After all, he had said he'd be back.