Chapter Text
“Deli,” Charlie says, pointing out the window.
“Repair,”
“Speed lime-it,”
“Charlie, would you shut up back there?” Dennis crows from the front seat.
“What, why!” Charlie argues, “Did you guys know that every one of these signs says something? It’s not just like– scribbly letters to trick your brain?”
“Christ, Charlie, yes, we all know that– because we all know how to read!” Dennis replies with his usual annoyed cadence.
“All of you?” Charlie looks around the car, everyone just stares back. “Well what the hell, guys! Why didn’t any of you tell me how cool reading was! It’s like– magical and shit!”
“We should not have to tell a middle aged man that reading is cool!” Dennis says loudly.
“Yeah, plus, reading isn’t cool,” Dee chimes in from the passenger's seat, “The only thing I read are tweets and break-up texts when I’m drafting them, right Dennis?” She smiles eagerly, doing that weird kind of huffing laugh she does after a terrible joke.
“Well, Dee, obviously you’re the one on the receiving end of those texts, but you do raise a point,” Dennis pauses, “Reading blows.”
“Yeah, reading is for nerds, not cool jocks like us, right Dennis?” Mac adds, leaning forward in his seat.
“Christ, do you all need my validation today?” Dennis huffs. “But correct, Mac. Reading is for nerds. Jocks like me have sworn off all forms of unnecessary reading.”
“Yeah, jocks like us.” Mac adds dopily.
“No, no. Just like me.” Dennis shuts him down.
Frank stops munching on the pocket full of fertilizer he’d stolen from the school for a moment to speak, “Ehh, I dunno Charlie, I think it’s nice you’re reading. Might come in handy when we’re mixing our potions.”
“Thank you, Frank! At least someone here supports my dreams.” Charlie replies.
“Since when has reading been your dream?” Dee questions bitterly.
“Since– since that nice teacher lady taught me how!”
“Oh, okay, so what, since 25 minutes ago?”
“Yes, since 25 minutes ago, what is there some kind of– of a limit on dreams? Just cuz mine aren’t old and completely unrealistic like yours–”
Dee cuts him off, “Ohh you take that back! My dreams are completely realistic, you wouldn’t know realistic if it bit you in your–”
“Okay, okay! Shut up!” Mac yells over Dee and Charlie’s budding argument. “Why don’t we all just agree that it’s nice that Charlie can read– even if he learned 30 years late,”
Charlie glares but lets Mac finish talking.
“But no more reading street signs because you’re annoying the shit out of us.”
Everyone is quiet for a moment before they all voice various versions of neutral agreement.
Charlie goes back to looking out the window, admiring the letters and words on buildings as they drive past. He doesn’t care what Dennis says. Reading is magical.
*
Charlie huffs with frustration, staring at the jumbled letters on the book cover he’s currently attempting to read. He hits his fist against the bar with frustration, unable to sound it out.
“Woah, woah, Charlie, calm down there,” Mac hisses from the seat adjacent to Charlie’s, “You can’t just go around slamming shit when I’m this hungover.”
“This word is one hundred miles long! Like– are we sure it’s even a word, because, I’m starting to think it might be hieroglyphics or some witchcraft thing, Mac! I might have to burn this book!” Charlie rants frantically.
Mac lifts his head off the counter, peering over at the book Charlie is currently fixated on. “... The Very Hungry Caterpillar?”
Charlie stares down for a moment.
“Oh, yeah, okay! I see it now. Cat-er-pill-er.” He chuckles.
Mac scoffs and goes back to laying on the counter.
Charlie flips to the first page.
“Ooh, no. Uh, Mac? We’ve got a problem,”
“What now!”
“There’s that word again,” Charlie points, showing it to Mac.
“So what! I already told you what it was!” Mac replies, exasperated.
“But… it’s still the same?”
“What do you mean, ‘is it still the same?’”
“Like… this one, this is caterpillar too? It’s not a trick or something of that sort?”
Mac stares blankly for a few long seconds. “It’s not a trick! How could a word be a trick, Charlie! It’s a word, it doesn’t ever change!”
“Never..?”
“No! Never! C-A-T-E-R-P-I-L-L-A-R will always say caterpillar, okay? Always.”
“Hm, okay, I see,” Charlie holds his chin up high, as if he’s pontificating on something of deep intellectual importance. “And… that goes for every word, or just caterpillar?”
Mac sighs. “Every word, Charlie,” He winds his animated gesturing down, folding his hands across the bar, “Now stop talking to me.”
*
“I give up! Reading is impossible!” Charlie yells as he storms out of the back office.
The gang all glance over at him from the bar, their conversation cut short by Charlie’s abrupt entrance.
“We’re still on this?” Dennis asks with an annoyed chuckle before taking a sip of his beer.
“Yes I’m still ‘on it,’ Dennis, this is important stuff!” Charlie huffs before taking a seat next to Mac at the bar. “Well, not anymore, I guess.”
“Awh what happened, Charlie? You were doing so well, helping read my prescriptions for me and all that.” Frank says.
Charlie sighs, “Well thanks, Frank, but I think I got to a new level or something. There’s like– get this– did you guys know there’s different species of words?” Charlie asks with a small laugh of disbelief.
He’s met with a blank stare before Mac speaks up, “What?”
“Yeah! I found it in one of those learning books? There’s like– verb, and no-un, and condiment. It’s pretty crazy, guys.”
“Is he trying to say conjunction?” Dennis asks, the question seemingly directed towards the group rather than Charlie himself.
“Yeah, well, whatever it is, it’s impossible. I’m officially done with reading.” Charlie states.
“Okay, Charlie, it’s not impossible. You’re just an idiot,” Dee says, “I bet you don’t even know what an adverb is.” She laughs haughtily. Dennis and Mac join in.
“Well okay then, Mr. and Mrs. Smart, why don’t you just tell me what it is?” Charlie asks.
There’s a few seconds of loaded silence before the three of them erupt into shouting overlapping sentences like, I didn't go to school for that!, What am I, an English expert all of a sudden?, and Do I look like a teacher to you?!
Suddenly, a realization strikes Charlie. “Wait, Mac, what did you say?”
“I said, do I look like some nerd-ass teacher to you?”
“That’s right!” Charlie exclaims, “You’re not a teacher. But I know someone who is!”
Mac looks at him with suspicion, “Wait, you’re not seriously thinking about going back to that school, are you?”
“Oh, I sure am, Mac,” Charlie says with a twinkle in his eye, “I’ll find that nice teacher lady and she’ll tell me every single word there is, then I’ll be a better reader than all of you!” He says triumphantly, practically jumping out of his seat as he strides towards the bar door.
“Charlie,” Dennis calls from the bar.
“Don’t try and stop me now, Dennis, I’ve made up my mind. I’m gonna go to school and learn and read and write–”
“They’re not gonna let you back in there, Charlie!” Dennis says loudly, making Charlie slow down and turn around.
“Why would they not let me back in?” He questions.
“Okay, well, one, that school is for children. You are a nearly fifty year old man,” Dennis says, holding up a finger. “Two, the court barred us from ever volunteering at a school again after the staff there complained,” he puts another finger up, “And, three, you’re drunk and high on glue right now!”
Charlie pauses. “Only the normal amount.”
Dennis scoffs, “Can you just accept that you’re never going to learn how to read? We all did many years ago!” he gestures to the other members of the gang.
Just as Charlie is about to interject, Mac speaks up, “Wait!”
They all look at him, waiting in mild suspense for what he’s about to say.
“I, Mac, will help you, Charlie, get into that school so you can learn how to read!” He says mightily, fixing his posture so he’s sitting aggressively straight in the bar stool.
“What? Why are you helping him all of a sudden?” Dee laughs.
“Because we’re friends, Dee.” Charlie says with a grin, surprised but glad to hear Mac’s willingness to help him.
“Yes, we are friends Charlie, and as your friend and as a good christian man–”
The entire gang groans.
“--I will help you learn to read so you too can enjoy the most importantest, best book that has ever been put on this earth!” Mac shoots up from his seat, hands on his hips, pausing for dramatic affect, “The Bible.”
Charlie shakes his head, “Yeah, okay, whatever. Can you just help me come up with a way to get into this school and we’ll deal with your bible stuff later?”
Mac nods, losing his confident posture as he walks towards the door where Charlie is standing, “Yeah, that sounds fine.”
Charlie hears Frank yell Go get em’, Charlie! as he and Mac leave the bar. The two of them speak with enthusiasm about possible plans as they walk over to Charlie’s apartment. Maybe this whole reading thing will work out after all.