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Sua’s dead—a reality that hasn't sunk into Mizi’s head. Not until she smelled the perfume Sua used to use, in the streets when she was taking a stroll. Mizi thought she was fine even though Sua’s already dead, on the surface of course she thought it didn't get to her, but it does. On a random day, she was caught off guard and grief washed over her quickly as the ocean hit the shore.
She stumbled on the way home. When Sua was buried in her grave, Mizi cried the whole time from the morning Sua was buried until the night. She stayed there, sleeping beside Sua’s grave until she was satisfied. Went home to eat and take a bath, and then went back to the graveyard to spend some time in Sua’s grave. It was her miserable routine for a whole week until she got hospitalized because of a high fever. Ivan had slapped her that day—worried and anxious he was. Though he relentlessly apologized for it already. A million times at that.
Mizi could not recall how long it had been, her reminder only being the lines she scribbled on the wall of her room. She had no idea how she was able to go home in one piece, without landing face first on the pavement on the way home. She practically ran home when she smelled that perfume—she cannot cry in the middle of the street, can she? She slowly cracked the door open to her room. She takes in the familiar room, the room she and Sua used to spend their most time in. The room is filled with things Sua used to have—the room they used to share together before. Mizi stared blankly on the wall before writing another line, a line symbolizing another day since Sua’s death. She traces the lines with her fingers, counting quietly.
“Fifteen…” Mizi stops, swallowing down the tears pooling in her eyes. It occurred to her, it's been long—too long without Sua. The fifteenth line wasn't even halfway there. It's too little compared to the lines waiting to be counted.
Still, she continued, “Twenty…thirty…forty…fifty…” Mizi slammed her palm against the wall, her tears preventing her from seeing the lines clearly. Her hands are clearly shaking from how she's been holding back her cries, “How long,” Mizi whispered with a hiccup. She slowly falls to the ground, her palm still pressed against the hard cold wall. This wall used to be filled with warmth, now that Sua’s gone—Mizi doubts this wall could ever hold the same warmth as before.
She pressed her forehead against the wall, “How long has it been,” she sobbed, covering her mouth with her hands. She tries to quiet her cries so as to not worry Ivan, who insists on watching over her for the meantime, “Sua…” Mizi mumbled her name while sobbing, “Sua…” she let out a shaky breath while trying to steady her trembling body. Oh how weak had she become.
Everything changed when she no longer had Sua.
Her days became blurred when Sua died. She continued her days like a robot—though functioning, she lived lifeless. Sua took everything to her grave but she left Mizi.
Was it revenge for breaking her beloved mug? A revenge for hiding her phone? A revenge for pretending everything was fine when it wasn't?
Mizi cried and cried until her eyes gave out. Mizi thought that it would be best for her to just take a rest instead of crying like a baby for Sua. She moved slowly towards the bed and closed her eyes, hoping that maybe this was all a nightmare and that tomorrow she'll wake up—see Sua next to her. Maybe.
——
Mizi cannot believe her eyes—her hands are cupping Sua’s cheeks while Sua giggles on whatever it was she was giggling at, Mizi’s senses are definitely failing her, “What are you laughing at?” Mizi asked, confused. She was sleeping one minute and then now, she's with Sua, just like the old days.
Oh how warm it is.
Sua and her—living in this wretched world. Their relationship was far from perfect but it was all Mizi could ask for. Mizi knows their relationship wasn't defined but she felt loved, it was enough for her. To take care of Sua and to be loved by Sua. After all, how could anyone deny loving Sua? She's adorable, gentle, and most importantly she never denied Mizi anything—always giving her the best of the best.
“It's just that, I'm very happy to see you again.”
“I'm happy to see you too,” Mizi whispered, her thumb caressing Sua’s cheeks—in which Sua smiled shyly. Mizi stares quietly at Sua, her image is not clear, her silhouette is. Her smile is quite different, her voice too. Mizi trembles as she sighs, she tried so hard to preserve Sua’s memory but her brain is failing her.
She had always failed Sua. How many times has she tried to do something for Sua? When she was alive, Mizi tried to do everything for Sua but in the end, she ended up hurting Sua. Who slapped Sua days before she died? It was her. She tried so hard to understand Sua, to make Sua understand her—in turn, it turned their relationship nasty. Although they did make up, Mizi still felt like a failure next to Sua.
It didn't change even after her death.
Mizi closes her eyes, breathing in and out to calm herself. But once she opened her eyes, everything changed. Sua is still in front of her, smiling—but her smile is different, there's disgust in her eyes. Mizi opens her mouth to speak but no words come out, “Are you happy? Mizi? Are you happy? Mizi? Are you happy?”
She frowns. What's wrong with Sua? How could she ask if she was happy when she begged—on Sua’s grave to take her too? Does her facial expression resemble that of a happy woman? Mizi’s lips quiver as she lowers her gaze, now she realizes they're in her bed. Her bed is unmade, darkened from the stains and dust that had accumulated for months.
“Sua…” her voice cracked as tears slowly dripped down from her eyes—the sensation she's been familiar with. Her tears never dried up ever since she and Sua got separated, yes she did stop crying at times but it was for a brief moment when she needed to function, otherwise—her cheeks were always flooded with tears.
“Take me with you.”
Sua puts her hand on Mizi's knees, crawling towards her, “Why? Aren't you happy now? You should be.”
“I'm not happy,” Mizi looks up at Sua. She bit her lips before speaking again, “I'm never going to be happy. I cannot accept it—no.” Mizi wipes the tears from her cheeks, “I cannot escape from you. You're there every waking day, you're there when I'm asleep, you're there when I'm trying to live my life. Your reminders lived on and I'm left here to drown in your memory.”
Mizi's left to pick up pieces of Sua scattered in this world. To remember Sua, it is her role that she is failing to play. She's refusing to remember Sua some days, so that the day won't be as heavy. But at night, it would all rush into her. How every little thing in this world was a reminder of Sua. Even the way people dress, walk, talks—it all reminds her of Sua. She can find similarities of Sua to another.
It could've been worse if there's a person who looked like Sua that would happen to bump into her. But fortunately, that hasn't happened yet.
“Sua, I don't want to only relive your memory. I need you to live.”
The door creaks open.
“Mizi? Who are you talking to?”
Mizi froze. She looks at who opened the door and then gazes back at where Sua was supposed to be. Of course, gone. She had hallucinated Sua again—without a fail Sua always appears to haunt her.
“I'm not talking, you must've misheard, Ivan.”
“Do you want to eat?”
“I'll sleep more.”
“Sure.”
——
A week before Sua’s death was when the two of them, Mizi and Sua had fought each other—that led to Mizi and Sua hitting each other. What was that fight even about? Mizi could not remember, all that she remembers is that she regrets picking a fight with Sua, because that week they ended up not talking to each other the whole time. It was only then when the day Sua died, Mizi decided to talk with her. The two of them reconciled of course, decided to go out to eat and maybe shop a little, bond over little things.
Things went well for the most part.
Sua’s hand was warm to hold, she was smiling kindly at Mizi, and for the most part—Mizi could talk to her. But that was all, that night, Mizi could remember things vaguely.
All that was clear to her was the sound of the ambulance and Sua’s blood pooling in the streets. It was a car accident—they got tangled up in a car accident when the car went flying towards the crossroad in which Sua was crossing at that time. Fortunately for Mizi, she was held back by some stranger who happened to ask for directions.
Mizi cannot tell if that was luck. Surely not, separating her and Sua was definitely brought up by luck. It's a cruel trick played by fate. She was there, Mizi could've gone to the grave with Sua but no—fate did not allow such things. She is left to feel and to grieve Sua in ways she had never experienced before. Mizi couldn't even tell what expression Sua held at the time of her death—how she regrets not crossing that road with Sua. She's supposed to hold her hand until the end, but Sua died alone.
In that cold pavement, she was alone.
Oh her beloved was alone bleeding that night. Maybe she felt pain before she gave up her life or maybe she was only struck with pain for a moment before her consciousness slipped away. Mizi doesn't know—but she's supposed to.
Mizi opens her eyes slowly, adjusting to the light seeping from the windows in her room, “Mizi.” She jolts, that soft gentle voice that whispers in her ears. Surely she's not hallucinating it this time.
But to her disappointment, she definitely hallucinated it—Sua’s still dead. She will forever be.
She closes her eyes again, in an attempt to sleep off the pain in her chest. To regain a bit of peace in her sleep. After all, it was only in her sleep could she ever hold Sua. Even if it's all in her head, it was enough reassurance that Sua still existed, though it was all in the past.