Work Text:
Dusk (A New Moon Retelling)
Dear reader,
I would like to start by saying, thank you, so much for reading. Like Stephenie Meyer says, the reader is fifty percent of the book. You are what completes this novel, or in this case, fanfiction. I will never be able to express how much I appreciate my readers.
In addition to this, I am obviously not Stephenie Meyer. I won’t be able to portray the characters perfectly, and that is okay. I wish that each and every reader really enjoys this, but that’s unrealistic. If you have a problem with the way that I portray characters, there’s nothing wrong with that. Turn off your computer, shut the tab, or read something else. It would be my greatest pleasure if I could please everyone, but as I cannot, please just bear with me. Along with this, the first few lines are almost exactly copied from the book, with a few words changed to my voice. I prefer to get into the author’s tone when writing fan fictions, so if it sounds familiar, that’s why.
Thank you for making my first fanfiction amazing!
-Nola
P R E S S U R E
I’d really been counting on hearing Edward this morning. It seemed like his image might be the only thing that could get me through this unbearable day. The hole in me had been festering lately, like it was getting revenge for Jacob’s taming of it. Everything burned.
The waves on the shore picked up as I paced, crashing hard against the rocks, but there was still no wind. Everything swirled around me, but it was still, perfectly still, right where I stood. The air had a faint, almost electric charge—I could feel the static in my hair.
Farther out, the waves were angrier than they were along the shore. I could see them battering against the line of the cliffs, spraying big white clouds of sea foam into the sky. There was still no movement in the air, though the clouds roiled more quickly now. It was eerie—like the clouds were moving against their own will. I shivered, though I knew it was just a trick of the pressure.
The cliffs were a black knife edge against the livid sky. I remembered the day Jacob had told me about Sam and his “gang.” The boys—the werewolves— throwing themselves into the empty air was a vivid memory to me. The image of falling, spiraling figures was fresh in my mind. I imagined the utter freedom of the fall…I imagined the way Edward's soothing voice would echo in my head—furious, velvet, perfect…. The burning hole in my chest flared agonizingly.
There had to be some way to quench it. Like blood to a vampire. It was always available somewhere, right? They have a choice. I don’t get that luxury. The pain was growing more and more intolerable by the second. I glared at the cliffs and the crashing waves.
Well, why not? Why not quench it right now?
Jacob had promised me cliff diving, hadn’t he? Just because he was unavailable, should I have to give up the distraction I needed so badly—needed even worse because Jacob was out risking his life? Risking it, in essence, for me. If it weren’t for me, Victoria would not be killing people here…just somewhere else, far away. If anything happened to Jacob, it would be my fault. That painful realization stabbed deep and had me jogging up the road to Billy’s house, where my truck waited.
I knew my way to the lane that passed closest to the cliffs, but I really had to look for the little path that took me out to the ledge. As I followed it, I looked for turns or forks, knowing that Jake had planned to take me off the lower outcropping rather than the top, but the path wound in a thin single line toward the brink with no options. I didn’t have time to find another way down—-the storm was moving in quickly now. The wind was finally beginning to touch me, the clouds pressing closer to the ground. Just as I reached the place where the dirt path fanned out into the stone precipice, the first drops broke through and splattered on my face.
It was not hard to convince myself that I didn’t have time to search for another way—I wanted to jump from the top. I needed to do this, for myself. This was the image that had lingered in my head. I wanted the long fall that would feel like flying.
I knew that this was the most reckless, stupid thing I had done yet. The motorcycles were just the beginning. I think I’m losing my sane mind. I smiled at these thoughts. The pain was already easing, as if my body knew Edward’s wonderful voice was just seconds away….
The ocean sounded so far away, somehow farther than before, as my senses began to slow. My focus lay only on this. I grimaced when I thought of the probable temperature of the water, but I would never let that stop me.
The wind blew stronger now, whipping the rain every direction around me, stacking up the suspension now like bricks on top of me.
I stepped out to the edge, keeping my eyes on the empty space in front of me. I heard Edward inhale, as he was about to speak. Seconds away, I reminded myself. My toes felt ahead blindly, caressing the edge of the rock when they encountered it. I drew in a deep breath and held it, waiting for him.
“Bella.”
I smiled and exhaled.
Yes? I never answered him out loud. The fear that the sound of my voice would shatter the beautiful, fragile illusion. He sounded so real, so close. It was only when he was disapproving like this that I could hear the true memory of his voice—the velvet texture and the musical intonation that made up the most perfect of all voices.
“Don’t do this,” he pleaded.
You wanted me to be human, I reminded him. Well, watch me.
“Please. For me.”
But you won’t stay with me any other way.
“Please.” It was just a whisper in the blowing rain that tossed my hair and drenched my already-soggy clothes—making me as wet as if this were my second jump of the day.
I rolled up onto the balls of my feet.
“No, Bella!” He was angry now, and the anger was so lovely. So beautiful…
I smiled and raised my arms straight out, as if I were going to dive, lifting my face into the rain. But it was too ingrained from years of swimming at the public pool—feet first, first time. I leaned forward, crouching to get more spring….
And I flung myself off the cliff.
I screamed as I dropped through the open air like a meteor, but it was a scream of exhilaration and not fear. The wind resisted, trying vainly to fight the unconquerable gravity, pushing against me and twirling me in spirals like a rocket crashing to Earth. Like I was free.
Yes! The word echoed through my mind as I sliced through the surface of the water. It was icy, colder than I expected, but the chill only added to this new high.
I was proud of myself as I plunged deeper into the freezing black water, swimming excitedly. I hadn’t had one moment of terror—just pure adrenaline. Really, it wasn’t scary at all. Bring on a real challenge!
That was when the current caught me.
I’d been so distracted by the size of the cliffs, the obvious danger of the high, sharp edges, that I forgot about what was waiting for me underneath. I never dreamed that the true menace was lurking far below, in the form of the water.
It felt like the waves were fighting over me, jerking me back and forth as to determine which would pull me into pieces. I knew the right way to avoid the riptide: swim parallel to the beach rather than aimlessly struggling to get to the shore. But the knowledge did me little good now, as I was nearly blinded by everything, the rain and the water, the waves all around me. I didn’t know where the shore was.
I couldn’t even tell which way the surface was.
The angry waves continued to argue, tossing me around and around like a rag doll. Gravity was all powerful when combating the wind, but it was useless against the waves. I couldn’t feel a downward pull, just the battering of the current in every direction.
I fought to keep my breath in, to keep my lips locked around my last store of oxygen.
It didn’t surprise me that my delusion of Edward was there. He owed me that much, considering that I had made it, I was not dying. I was surprised by how sure that knowledge was. I am not going to die. I am almost there.
“Keep swimming!” Edward begged assuringly in my head.
Where? There was nothing but darkness. There was no place to swim to yet.
“Don’t give up!” He ordered.
The cold of the water was finally numbing my arms and legs, fingers and toes, but it faded as soon as it began. It was all more of a dizziness now, a helpless spinning in the water.
But I listened to him. I forced my arms to continue reaching, my legs to kick harder, though every second I was facing a new direction. It was torture.
“Damn it, Bella, keep fighting!” He urged.
Okay.
I didn’t want to fight anymore, though. It wasn’t the lightheadedness, the cold, the failure of my limbs giving out in exhaustion. I was almost happy that this was almost over. That it would all turn out somehow. I would make it to the shore, I have to. I can’t die, not when he’s waiting for me there. I saw an image of him on the shore.
And then I saw him. It was so clear, so much more defined than any memory. My subconscious had stored Edward away in flawless detail for this very moment. I could see his perfect face as if it were really there, the exact shade of his icy skin, the shape of his lips, the line of his jaw, the golden glint in his worried, angry eyes. Of course he was upset, naturally. I had deliberately done the opposite of what he made me promise him. I couldn’t bring myself to think of that day. Not here, not now, not ever.
His teeth clenched, and his features stressed in rage.
“No! Bella, no!”
My ears were soon flooded with the freezing water, but his voice was clearer than ever. I ignored his words and concentrated on the sound of his voice. Why did I even keep fighting? The thought of death’s release brought on an indescribable warmth. I was so happy where I was, dying with the image of him, so perfect and clear. Even as my lungs burned for more air and my legs cramped in the icy cold, I was content. I’d forgotten what real happiness was like.
Happiness. It made the whole dying thing pretty bearable. The current won at that very moment, shoving me abruptly against something hard, a rock invisible in the gloom. It hit me solidly across my chest, slamming me like an iron bar, and the breath whooshed out of my lungs, escaping in a thick cloud of red and silver bubbles. Water flooded me everywhere, my lungs, my arms, my head. The happiness dimmed with the feeling of heat, an inescapable burning in my chest. The iron bar pulled me farther away from Edward, deeper into the dark ocean floor.
I saw his face again, but as if it was the first time I had seen him. His hair was a bit longer, he had cut it after a while of me knowing him, just a bit. His eyes were black, hungry for a part of me I wished I could give him, the part of me that was now painting the water red.
I saw the side of his angled jaw, his image from a different view, driving me in his volvo to prom. I hated dances, more than anything, or so I thought at the time.
I saw Edward on my birthday, crouching over me as blood pooled on my hands from a mere papercut, his face white as stone, his breath cut off. He could barely help me, but it didn’t matter. All I cared about was that he was there with me. I despised the decorations, the attention, everything, but I’ve gotten used to it.
The peace in my body was now indescribable. My breathing ended. The taste of salt faded in my mouth, and the pleasant lilt of Edward’s voice sounded farther and farther by the second. Everything began to slow.
I felt a tear fall down my cheek, despite being underwater. Lazily, the water inside my lungs began to choke me, as I came to terms with this ending. This is what Edward was afraid of. Bella Swan, forever eighteen. It would happen either way, if I was a vampire or not. I shied away from blaming this on him, and instead of placing the fault, I accepted.
My eyes shut sluggishly, burning from all the saltwater. I let out one last breath I had been holding, and sunk to the floor, arms floating above me as I fell. My mind faded to darkness as if at the end of a movie.
Goodbye, Edward Cullen. I loved you, was my last thought.
B R A Z I L
The worst thing that could ever happen to anyone in the entire world is a definite understatement. Tears pooled in my eyes as I brought myself to sit down. My first thought was not anything rational. My mind sped as I held back vomit that would never come up, seeing as that was impossible. The beginnings of a thought began to form. I would go to Volterra and provoke the Volturi, something I had planned to do soon, anyway. The grief of this situation had weighed too heavily on me, and seeing as that was a good idea, I had marked a day to go. Living now in Brazil, it would only be a short run, maybe a few days.
My mind was foggy. That was first. I didn’t quite understand. I couldn’t process this deep emotion. I had only ever felt love for the past few months. My subconscious didn’t know what was going on.
Bella was gone.
I had expected myself to freak out or something. This doesn’t feel right. As soon as Jacob Black confirmed the news Alice had first called with, my phone was shattered into twenty-thousand and five-hundred-eighty pieces. Exactly. I looked for something to distract me. Crushing my only cell phone was not a wise choice, but was anything a good decision now?
She will never be back. It’s one life for humans. One life. I began to breathe, only to express my stress. Heavy, heaving breaths at first. I felt something deep and physical. A pain I had never before experienced in this life or my last one. My eyes latched onto a spot on the wall, opposite from the bed I had taken a seat on so as to not faint, which was also impossible.
She’s dead.
She’s dead. I will never see Bella Swan again.
I doubled over, vomiting blood. All I could see or smell or taste was the drugged human blood I had consumed today. Rusty and metallic, no longer heavenly. It swirled around my teeth, my lips. I felt it everywhere, I was drowning in it. It was so potent, striking me with such pain as my eyes began to roll back into my head. The blood slowed, nearly out of my system. As it did, the color of my eyes surely changed with it. Empty and dead, like a piece of me was heaved out with the rest of their blood. Death, this is what it must feel like. This is how Bella felt. My Perspherone, I have doomed her to my world. I have turned her into her worst nightmare. My head spinned with possibilities; possibilities of what this could have felt like for her. She was gone. Forever. She breathed in a final human breath and breathed out a final human breath, said a last word or a prayer, and that was the end of Bella. I panted, pursing my lips as the heartbreak consumed me like all-fire.
A drop of blood fell slowly down my cheek. I pushed myself up to look at my sorrowful face in the mirror. I was crying blood. I was crying blood. It was everywhere. It was on my hands, on my pants, on the floor, staining my lips, down my cheek. So much blood. So many different people, the last bit of them now painted all over me. Sympathy flooded me as I thought of all the Bella Swans of other men. No one could love a girl like I loved her, but I’m sure someone was at least close.
My pitiful self stared back at me still. I watched my chest go up and down, so fakely, as if I was pretending to be human. I had never felt more human in the last one hundred years than now. I tried to think of anything but her. My deep black eyes. My life before her. My father. Anything. I was desperate, more desperate than ever before. I fell to my knees, sobbing as I finally caught a glimpse of her in my memory. My memory. I could have saved her. I could have a thousand more memories. This is all my fault. More proof of what a blatant monster I am. Heavy shakes erupted throughout my body and into my soul. I buried my face into the floor, and with steady breaths, I spoke a word finally.
Bella.
Her name on my lips sent a wave of rage and heartache. How much I hated myself at this moment! I swore to never leave her. I promised her forever, a forever in my world. How could I let my selfishness kill her? Her. Bella.
This world will never see Bella Swan again.
I will never see Bella Swan again.
I let out a deep cry, moaning in pain as I felt another outburst of blood, and tasted it before anything. It swirled around, painting me in red again, in the remains of innocent humans. I had let Carlisle down. I had let Bella down. I had killed Bella.
Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, pitiful murderer.
I will never learn from this. This tragic day is the last day that the world knew Bella, and I will make it the last day it knows me, the last day of horror for this place. I screamed in pain, feeling stab after stab directly in my throat through the blood. Nothing is ever as satisfying as the first time down, especially human blood. My Bella, gone. This second death of me will not be as satisfying as the first.
There’s nothing I want to do more than this. My mind concluded the one thing more intense than my love for Bella; my hate for myself.
I stood up, blood spilling from my lips. This is the end of Edward Cullen. The avenging of Bella.
—Volterra—
Goodbye, Bella Swan. I will never forgive myself for what I have done. I set my last thought in stone before dying at the hands of Jane.