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I was once a useless card. Useless to the world and then one fateful day, I was appointed to be the Knave of Hearts for the Country of Hearts. You would find me adventuring off in different countries embracing different cultures and livelihoods within. It used to seem like a wonderful thing to become one with purpose. Overtime, I began to hate this job. This role of mine makes me seem like a walking dead man. I despise it. I despise it all.
This world is not beautiful. It is not welcoming or lovely as it may seem. You will have to face reality at some point. I was so happy to feel like I belonged to the world. In time though, all I saw were dead bodies and clocks splattered everywhere. When I closed my eyes, that was also all I saw. I swear, I can hear the whispers of the people I have killed. It haunts me.
I have been a knave for many years now. In my first year, I was innocently training away to learn how to fight and defend myself and the people of this country. I did not think I would be so merciless to the citizens of Wonderland. I remember the look the King of Hearts gave me when he appointed me; it was filled with sadness. He knew what would happen to me in time. I wonder if he grieved my innocence.
Just like anyone, I fell into my role in record time. I killed those who were in the Queen’s path of glory. I have never met the Queen – she has never invited me to her palace. Why would she? I would only be bringing in splatters of blood and the hauntings of the ghosts that followed me. All citizens knew me as her personal assassin. I do not deserve to be alive. I despise my own being.
The castle is filled with many ruby and luscious pounding hearts. They once used to belong to the citizens of Wonderland. The Queen of Hearts had the power to replace each heart with a clock. Why did she do so? What was the purpose of this tragedy? She took any heart that she could get her hands on – playing with them like toys and breaking them whenever she pleased.
If I had known I was being followed by her men, Jihoon would have never been caught in this horrible chaos. He would not have isolated himself from the world. He would still be smiling the same radiant smile that had made me fall in love with him as he tinkered away. He would have never been the Timekeeper of the Clock Tower. He would be the happy tiny Timekeeper of the Timekeeper’s Gate instead.
I despise it. I despise it all. I wish I had never ruined his life. I wish I had the capabilities to turn back time and never stepped foot in that clock workshop. I love him too much for him to be holding onto this pain. He will never speak his mind aloud – holding everything in. One of these days, his clock is going to explode.
As time goes on and as you settle into your role, you will begin to trick yourself thinking that you could do good for the world. At least I know I have, I may be known as the Queen’s personal assassin but with all the clocks I see lying on the ground, I collect them. Why do I do so? They deserve to live a meaningful life and maybe they will become someone like me. One who has died multiple times only to be fixed again. They have a better chance of escaping the wrath of the Queen of Hearts. I believe in them. They will not be caught by me nor her.
Once you become a card with a face, you will regret it. Everyone wants to live life with a purpose, right? I truly believe as a faceless card, you will manage to do so. You can do so much and smell the roses on the way. Everything is dreadful. All you will see is blood on your hands. Their souls engraved into your minds. Piercing screams that haunt your dreams. Dreams? No, I mean nightmares.
I do not deserve love. My world hurts, and my world is Lee Jihoon. I am so sorry for everything. I do not deserve this perfect being. I can no longer make him happy. I am but a coward.
A knave of cowardice. Yet, I still love him.