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“Guys! Guys! I got some terrible news!” Mac yelled, storming into the bar where Dee, Dennis, and Frank were sitting. They stopped their conversation and turned to him.
“What? What is it?” Dennis raised a brow.
“No time to explain, you guys need to come see this. Hurry!” Mac motioned for them to get up before rushing back out the door.
The three reluctantly followed him outside. When they walked out, they saw Charlie sitting on the floor against the wall in the alleyway groaning and holding his stomach. There was a sloppy red stain on his shirt.
“Charlie? What are you doin’? Are you okay?” Frank questioned.
Charlie looked at him weakly. “I… I think I’m dying!” He yelled dramatically before coughing loudly.
“Oh, Jesus,” Dennis sighed. He and Dee both rolled their eyes.
“What?!” Frank exclaimed, rushing to his side. “Charlie! What’s wrong? What happened?”
Charlie wheezed loudly, clutching his stomach as he repositioned himself. “Well, I was walking down the street, and I saw these people mugging The Waitress! So naturally, being the hero I am, I rushed in and ordered them to stop and leave her alone!” He explained slowly in a shaky voice. “I managed to scare them off, but not before they stabbed me in the stomach!”
The twins weren’t impressed. “Oh, really?”
“Yes, Dee,” Charlie answered curtly, shooting her a glare.
“Then why is there no stab wound in your stomach? And why are you covered in ketchup?” She pointed.
“It’s not ketchup, it’s blood. Obviously.”
“Shut up, Deandra! Be respectful!” Frank snapped, “Oh, Charlie! I’ll go call an ambulance!”
He went to run back inside but Dennis stopped him. “No, no, no. Do not do that. Come on, Charlie, give it up. This is stupid. Can we go back inside now?”
“Guys, come on! This is probably his final moments!” Mac yelled over them, walking over and kneeling down next to his friend. “What happened next, buddy?”
Charlie continued his story, “Oh, so uh, The Waitress kissed me, and told me how she always loved me and that I was very sexy and awesome and smart and-”
“Dude- Okay, what else?” Mac interrupted.
“Oh, oh, right. And I’m so very sad that I’m dying right now, and that I’m not able to mop the bathroom,” Charlie let out a whine and clutched his core as he slumped further against the wall.
“And?” Mac whispered to him.
“And as my dying wish, I want Mac to be excepted-”
“Exempted.”
“Right, exempted, from also mopping the bathroom.”
Mac shook his head in frustration but continued to play along. “Oh, Charlie, come on dude! Come back to us!” He pleaded as he grabbed him by the shoulders.
“Oh! The light!” Charlie dramatically reached for the sky before resting his hand on his heart, “I-I’m going into the light! Goodbye everybody!” He closed his eyes and leaned back until he laid motionless on the floor. His tongue popped out the side of his mouth like a cartoon character.
“Oh, Charlie!” Frank wailed, breaking free from Dennis’ hold. He buried his head into Charlie’s chest and sobbed.
“Frank, he’s not dead. Charlie, get up and mop the damn bathroom already,” Dennis ordered.
Mac picked up Charlie’s arm and pressed his wrist. “Guys, I think he’s really gone. I-I can’t feel a pulse!” He cried out.
“Yeah, right,” Dee stormed over. “Charlie! Get up!” She yelled right in his face. Charlie continued to lay on the floor, unfazed. She sighed and pushed her father off of him. “Move, Frank.”
The blonde cracked her knuckles before throwing her hands onto Charlie’s sides, tickling wildly. His mouth twitched as he desperately fought back a smile. He tried to keep his mouth shut but a stray chuckle or two crept out as his body shook in silent laughter. He tried his best to stay still but ultimately lost it when he felt fingers prodding and scratching at his underarms.
“See, Frank? He’s fine,” Dee announced as Charlie giggled and squirmed around on the floor like a kid. She looked back at her father, his tears were drying up.
Mac groaned loudly, “Goddamnit, Charlie! You ruined the whole plan!”
Charlie sat up to defend himself. “Hey! It’s not my fault! She played dirty!” He pointed at Dee accusingly.
“I wasn’t playing dirty, I was playing smart! I was using your weakness to my advantage,” she rebutted, crossing her arms.
“Charlie, how could you do this? I thought you were a goner!” Frank interrupted them, throwing his arms around Charlie in a tight hug.
“Aw, Frank, I’m sorry,” Charlie’s voice softened as he hugged him back. “You know I hate lying to you, man.”
Dennis rolled his eyes as he watched. The two were so strangely sentimental with each other. “So, Charlie, are you ready to mop the bathroom now?” He asked as they pulled away.
“What, no way! Why me? Why not have Dee do it? We all hate her, right?” He argued, pointing at the blonde.
“Hmm, he’s got a point,” Mac nodded.
Dee scoffed in disbelief. “What? Are you serious? I’m not mopping the floor! That’s Charlie work!”
“Deandra, grow up and mop the bathroom already,” Frank agreed with the rest.
“No, Frank! That’s not how this works!” She stomped over to Charlie and stared him straight in the eye. “You’re doing it!”
“No. I’m. Not.” He growled back.
“Oh, really?” Dee cocked her head. They were nose to nose, both stubbornly locked into each other’s gaze.
“Wait, wait, guys. I know how to settle this.” Mac walked over before the two had a chance to escalate their feud any further.
“Oh, yeah? How?” Dee turned to him.
Mac was silent for a moment. He looked around at the others before suddenly yelling, “Not it!” His finger flew to the tip of his nose, the rest of the gang following suit.
Charlie stared at her, his eyes wide. He could barely contain his smug smile. “You’re last, Dee.”
“What? No I’m not!”
“Nope, you were definitely last. Them’s the rules, Dee,” Dennis added.
Dee groaned, there was no use fighting this. She knew that she probably ended up last anyway. “Goddamnit! You guys are so fucking childish.”
“Yeah, well, at least we’re not the ones mopping the bathroom,” Mac joked causing the rest to laugh.
“Stupid fucking idiots,” Dee grumbled to herself as she marched back inside.