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Natsume supposed the room was cozy enough, for a glorified broom closet. The blankets smelled like his cabin and yes, he hated the fact that made him cry now. “You can have a day off from today’s activities” Sydney had said, oh so smilingly and comfortingly in the same tone that all adults used all the time when they talked about him. Probably condescending.
And of course Sydney wouldn’t be condescending, and now Natsume was crying again because he felt bad for assuming that.
And he had woken up just yesterday so happy and unawares. Oh yeah, looks like he was just catching a bit of a cold, he felt a bit tired but it’s fine, not the weirdest thing to happen at the camp. There was the plan with Dolly, which he really needed to be there for right now and everything was fine.
And then today he had woken up late and started sobbing because he couldn’t find his favourite raccoon tail and it had all spiralled downhill from there.
“Hey, pup.” Sydney knocked on the door and Natsume growled at him. “Can I come in?”
“Fine. Whatever.”
The door creaked open and Natsume hugged one of the stuffiesin his nest closer. This stupid nest. He hated that he built it and he hated that it was actually pretty cozy and that he never actually wanted to leave it.
“I brought food.” Sydney said, like it was a peace offering, which yes, that’s how Natsume should absolutely be approached. He’d heard his type A friends talk about their ruts and he growled again, louder, in a way he hoped was vaguely territorial.
Sydney walked through the room, taking care not to step on any of the blankets, and put a tray of cafeteria food on a shelf. It smelled like some kind of pastry and Natsume chuffed at it. He wasn’t hungry, anyways.
“You holding up okay?” Sydney asked and Natsume felt stupidly bad for growling at him. “I know you weren’t doing too well when you came in today.”
“I’m fine.” Natsume snapped.
“Really?”
There was only so much authority Natsume could put behind his voice when he was currently covered in blankets holding a stuffed raccoon like a lifeline and very obviously trying to disguise the fact that he was crying. “I’m fine.” He said before, once again, bursting into tears.
“Ah, pup.” He heard Sydney sigh, sit down on the floor next to him, saw through bleary eyes a camp handkerchief being extended and he took it and held it to his face and inhaled the scent of camp, mushrooms and the sharp tang of antiseptic that wafted through the nurses building.
“It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.” He snotted into the handkerchief.
“It wasn’t?”
Natsume was sure that Sydney was the only grownup in the entire camp that took him seriously, and yet he couldn’t help but be a little suspicious. Nobody ever just took his word for things. He said he was tired, they he was too young to be tired. He said he was the leader of a revolution, they said shut up and go clean the bathrooms. He said he was a boy, they said are you sure and it’s just a phase and are you very very sure?
The camp councilors were a bit different. Not all of them, Juniper was awful and Joshua was worse and Jedidiah was just condescending, but at least here they called him the right name.
“This wasn’t- it’s not right.” He said with a frustrated grunt.
Sydney paused. “Everyone’s first few cycles are a little… overwhelming.” He said, tentatively.
“NO!” Natsume cut him off, tried to build on the anger in him. Type As got angry, right? His brother was type A and he was a jerk all the time pretty much, but that might just be him. Either way it felt better than sitting around being sad and sleepy. “It- I don’t-” He growled again, “I already wasn’t supposed to be a stupid GIRL. And I’m not supposed to be a stupid OMEGA. I’m not- It’s not RIGHT.” He took a few deep breaths and then, because he was already angry enough that he didn’t care if he got in trouble, let out a quiet but well deserved “Fuck!”.
Sydney seemed to understand, thank gods or the mother of stones or the bonfire or where ever Natsume got his dark magic from here. “Ah. The transgender double kerfuffle.”
“YEAH. That.” Natsume pulled up his knees to his chin, clutching at the handkerchief .
“So, you’re type…”
“A. Probably, I dunno. Yeah.” And already Natsume could hear how it sounded. I know, being an Omega is so hard, everybody wants to be type A. You just have to learn to love yourself for who you are. It’s normal to be surprised by your designation, It’s all so perfectly normal, now make peace with it because you’re going to be type O the rest of your life.
“Thanks for telling me, buddy.” Sydney said, shifting a bit. “I know it must be hard.”
Yeah, no crap Sherlock.
“Would you like me to tell the other councilors?” Sydney asked.
Natsume bit his lip and nodded a few times.
“Alright, I can do that.” Sydney stayed quiet for a few more seconds, “You know, you can change your designation. There’slots of trans folks out there.”
Yeah, not til he turned 18 and that might as well have been forever. “Gee, great.” He huffed. “My parents are going to love that. Maybe it’ll take them another three years to accept it.”
Sydney huffed a little laugh and Natsume didn’t hate it because he could tell it was commiserating. Okay, it was kind of nice to be around someone who kind of sort of understood. Was that actual thoughts or stupid omega hormones? UGH, he was beginning to regret using It’s Totally Normal – A Teen’s Guide ToYour First Cycles as a firestarter when his parents had given it to him. He could have skimmed it first, maybe.
“If it helps,” Sydney said, “I’m type A and I make nests too. And I think everyone gets pretty emotional.”
And of course Natsume knew that, well, maybe not exactly that but he knew that nothing was trinary and yadda yadda yadda and all that.
“It’s not the same.”
“Yeah, I know.” Sydney took another few minutes to exhale a long exhale, then stood up, leaning on the chair he had put the food on. “Do you want a hug, handshake or high five?”
Normally Natsume would answer with some convoluted secret handshake that seemed to change every time he tried to teach it to people. Normally he really wasn’t much of a hugger. But Natsume was looking at normal in the rearview mirror and really a hug sounded great right now so he stumbled to his feet and sunk into a big tight bear hug.
“It’s gonna be okay.” Sydney said, squeezing him tight before patting him on the shoulder and walking out the door. “I’ll check up on you again in a little while, I’m here if you need me.”
Natsume felt colder watching him go and curled up again in his blankets, shoulders sinking.
Exhaustion. Natsume was more tired than he had been when he pulled an all-nighter last finals week, more exhausted than he had been when he stayed up til three in the morning to get his copy of The Umbrella Academy signed, more fatigued than he had been after he had snuck out with Dolly and a can of Nightmare Powder and tried to astral project to the center of the lake. At this point the shock of the dysphoria was just a dull ache, like he was lying on top of a brick and no matter how he moved he couldn’t get comfortable.
The pastry did smell good, like chocolate and butter. Natsume wasn’t sure how Michael got butter, the HarmlessMart stuff had been recalled weeks back and his cabin had destroyed the rest, but it wasn’t just that that stopped him from eating it. Because, really, who hadn’t seen all the movies of Omegas presenting and having sleepovers and eating chocolate and watching sad movies and blah blah blah. And that wasn’t him. He was a revolutionary,he ate chocolate on his own terms.
It must have been a few hours of fitful sleep later- he could hear the faint ticking of the clocks that he thought might have come from the office- when there was another knock at the door, loud and echoing through the air.
“Come in, Sydney.” He called, rubbing his eyes and sighing. He could probably totally go for supper, right? He missed his cabin. He missed camp. This was so so stupid.
“Hey, little man!”
Natsume sat up, growling immediately at the all too familiar scent of sharp cedar and sunscreen. As if his day wasn’t going bad enough.
“Sydney told us about your whole thing!” Said Joshua, pointing at him with a grin that Natsume could only describe as cringe, and he was a quadrobist for starclan’s sake. He used starclan’ssake unironically. He didn’t throw the ‘cringe’ word around lightly. “And I thought, hey! Who better for moral support than another, uh, yknow-” His voice dropped like he was saying something secret, or like he had just discovered what an inside voice was. “transdesignation guy!”
Natsume covered his face with a pillow and groaned into it. Was this really his only choice? What a great and helpful road in life, on the left you had being an overemotional omega forever, on the right you had being cringe and overcompensating all the time just to get any respect. Didn’t he have any other options? He heard how the other kids talked about Joshua and heard how Sydney talked about him over the loudspeaker and heard how Joshua himself talked and it was insufferable!
All he wanted was to just be born a boy, be born type A. Why? Couldn’t? That? Just? Happen??! And everyone thought just because he dressed punk and started revolutions that he had to be so fine talking about it, and everybody thought that just because he was thirteen they could talk down to him. He wasn’t a LITTLE PUP.
And how was he supposed to say any of that to Joshua?
“Go AWAY!” He said instead, pillow still over his face.
“Oh. okay.” Joshua sounded genuinely hurt. Natsume had been able to joke about Juniper since he and Dolly had almost hung him, and yet this was making him feel guilty? What a joke. “But like, I mean, I’m here to talk if you ever-”
“JOSHUA!” From beyond the door, Natsume heard a slam and then footsteps and thumps of a cane against wood flooring. “You BETTER not be in there bothering him! Don’t MAKE me get the broom!”
Joshua huffed and walked out and some kind of confrontation ensued, but Natsume pretended to be asleep when Sydney popped in to check on him and close the door again.
The pastry was growing stale and untouched on the little stool, Natsume was sipping Gatorade because apparently energy drinks were bad for hydration and he shouldn’t have caffineanyways. Of course they’d let him have Literal Nightmare Fuel but a Reign was too far.
Natsume had once watched a videoessay on the five stages of grief and he was pretty sure he was in the acceptance camp at this point. Life was just going to be horrible forever. He could make peace with that. It made him angry angry angry, but he was accepting it like a pro. Anything to make the bad feelings go away. He really wished they let him have his phone here- really, Sydney might let him have it if he asked- but also he didn’t want to call his family and there was no cell reception anyway. Just a room that smelled a bit like despair that he’d need to leave at some point, and he was still tired.
The door creaked open, Natsume glanced towards it and felt around half of his exhaustion clear when he recognized the person entering.
“Dolly?”
She seemed to be trying to focus on not letting the door creak more than it already was, but when she heard his voice she turned towards him, ponytails smacking against the doorframe.
“Natsume Shoiota, I have a bone to pick with you!” She said, stomping in. “First, you’re in here moping ALL DAY. And nobody will let me in to talk some sense into you because you need space and you’re adjusting. And you don’t come out for afternoon activities which means I had to do trust falls with TAMMY, TAMMY OF ALL PEOPLE-” She paused just long enough to inhale- “While you’re in here snoozing!” She huffed. “Stupid type As, I don’t care if you’re having a stupid rut, you can get over yourself and come out for supper and bonfire with me.”
She stood, crossing her arms. Natsume slowly grinned wider than he had all day, then coughed into his arm, trying to disguise his laughter. He failed and after a second Dolly joined in, reluctantly giving in to the giggles as she stepped further into the room.
“You gonna eat this?” She asked, grabbing the pastry.
Natsume shook his head and she shrugged and took a bite.
“Cool blanket fort.” Dolly said, nudging a blanket with her foot. “Have you just been napping in here all day?”
“Yeah. Pretty much.” He said, sitting up and stretching, feeling his neck crack like a glowstick. “I’m tired, okay, sue me!”
“You’re moping!”
“Am not!”
Dolly exhaled a long, tired sigh and sat on the stool, drawing her knees together and resting her chin in her palm. “The cabin’s been a mess without you. Today Juniper told us a thirty minute long Good Ol Days story and nobody threw anything at him.”
“You’re kidding.”
She held her hands up in a don’t shoot the messenger kind of way.
“Damn.” Natsume leaned back, crossing his legs then standing up and stretching again. He still wanted the nest and the quiet and the everything but found himself feeling a bit less tired.
“Can you come out for dinner? Please?? It’s so boring without you.” Dolly sighed. “The Dark Arts are no fun alone.”
“Alright, alright. Yeah. Sure.” Natsume got up and stretched, then smiled a little. “I can’t let you partner up with Tammy again.”
“UGH, yes, right!” Dolly watched with amusement clear on her face as Natsume selected the two coziest blankets, the three most demonic stuffies and the handkerchief Sydney had given him, wearing the blankets like a robe and holding the stuffies in one big unwieldy bundle in front of him.
“I could hold one for y-”
“No.” He growled.
“You better not be getting all territorial on me, Shoiota.” Dolly stuck out her tongue and he punched her on the shoulder. She, of course, punched him back and anyways the only thing that saved Natsume from the ensuing headlock was Sydney showing up in the nick of time.
“Dolly! Juniper wants to speak with you, he didn’t know where you were. Though he was looking in a potted plant so…” He shrugged.
“You can tell Juniper to swallow an egg!” Dolly grinned.
Normally something like that would at the very least get them told off. Sydney just laughed into his fist. “Oh trust me, I would very much like to.” He turned to Natsume and his honour guard of stuffed animals. “Feeling better?”
Natsume kicked at a spare twig that had made its way into the building. “Yeah.” He huffed, trying to contain his grin enough to be cool and calm and collected.
“Door’s always open if you need it.” It was the first time in maybe forever that Natsume noticed just how tired Sydney looked. His smile was still kind, though. Even though it was stupid and he hated quite literally everything about today, Natsume was kind of glad to be at camp. It always felt a bit more like home than the real thing. He looked away before he did something stupid and embarrassing, like cry again.
“Thanks.”
“C’mon, Matthew made deep fried worm on a string!” Dolly tugged at his sleeve and after a second, he ran after her down the halls.