Chapter Text
I can't wait for today to be over. My show went shit the second Scraps came up with that annoying signature smile of hers. Some of the crowd cheered for Scraps, the rest cheered for other contestants. I didn't really care though, I just want Scraps to stop begging and paying extra to participate. That's right, she pays extra to get on the show, she knows if she doesn't then I wouldn't let her take part. It's whatever I guess, in the end, it’s me who let her on with my own will, so I shouldn’t be complaining, honestly.
Now let’s put that aside, I have to meet up with Brightney today, and although we usually meet up the day after the show gets hosted, she claims that she has prior plans tomorrow with family or something, so here I am going out of my way, the time that I should be taking to relax, instead having to go outside, again, to talk about some random unimportant stuff. Or well, it’s unimportant to me, but Brightney says I should open up to someone rather than keeping to myself? That’s stupid, but I won’t say that to her face of course, she’s just trying to look out for me or something. It’s the thought that counts.
I’ve gotten changed out of my uniform into something more comfortable; a black two piece jumpsuit, a crop top held by overshoulder straps, along with black flared jeans that reach down from my waist. The outfit itself is low effort and classic, but it is comfortable, and for today, I really couldn’t care less about what I’m wearing outside. As long as Brightney doesn’t make a big deal out of it for whatever reason, I think I’ll stick with this. So from there, after admiring myself in the mirror for a moment then two, I finally got out of my house, locked the door, and started to make my way to Brightneys’.
Outside, it’s actively not going so bad as I thought it would’ve, I thought some fans left and right would uncomfortably stare me down, or even get up in my personal space, it’s nothing like that. I mean sure, maybe a few, well a lot, of people stealing glances but it doesn't bother me at all for as long as I put my main focus on the way to Brightneys house.
Though when I was presumably half way there, a certain person crossed paths with me. He had his head down and tensed up when he saw me, and when he lifted his head, I saw the shirt he was wearing. Far too baggy on him but seemed comfortable enough, and it said “VEE’S N1 FAN” on the front. I paused to look at him and he hesitantly did the same.
I shifted my weight onto my other leg, while my hand moved to rest on my hip. I stared for a second before I spoke up. “Big fan are you? That's cool.” I said, honestly I wasn't ever really good with moments like these, god if this gets awkward it's on me. I never know what to say, it doesn't make good impressions on me. That's why I never stay around for one on ones.
The boy in front of me smiled a little uneasy, he was clearly nervous about talking with me. I'll admit, it feels great. I feel superior, I feel like high ground, this poor boy, lord save him. He fidgeted with the rim of the baggy shirt, he seemed to be too awkward for eye contact. He took a little while to find the encouragement to speak up to me. “Yes! I- I love your show and… everything about it! But the trivia questions in particular? They… always have me guessing… I enjoy it. Watching your show… A lot.”
I laughed gently at this, how given the moment he took to think of what to say, he still acts like he's making it up as he goes. “Oh really? I myself love to make trivia questions for my participants. I mean, who doesn't like them? Everyone I know loves them!”
He smiled at my question, looking at me then away again. “Haha..” He laughed, a little hesitant again,
Then raised his finger slightly beside his head. “Yeah… uhm, was that one of your… trivia questions..?”
“No.” I bluntly responded. I couldn't hold my face still for long though. The way he quickly got nervous again, his shoulders being so tense, he's so stupid look at him. I let out a giggle, placing my hand to cover my mouth as I laughed.
His smile returned more gentler this time, then just like that, it felt like all of my worries in the world just left, how I honestly wouldn't mind starting a longer conversation with this little guy. He laughed a small bit as well, before he fidgeted with his shirt again. “Uhm.. Hah, so uh.. Since we're talking in person… Can I- Can you… Can I request for the next trivia, the topic be about music..? I'd like to guess along whenever it's hosted… If- if you want, of course! I'm not forcing-”
I cut him off, my hand resting on his shoulder. “Hey, I would love to make a trivia on music.” I brought my hand back to myself, holding my arms crossed on my torso. “I can't even recall the last time I went with that topic. Give me a week, alright? And I'll even make them a little difficult for you.”
With that, his eyes had a noticeable sparkle when I finished my statement, his smile showing more genuinely now. “Really?! Thank you so much Vee! You're the best, I'll never forget this moment, ever!” I even see him holding himself back from jumping in the air. Does it really mean that much to him? Well I sure am honoured.
I give him a reassuring smile before looking down the street again. I remember that Brightney is waiting for me and she'll probably tell me off if I arrive late again. I look to my fan, who seems to have calmed down, and I speak up to him. “It was nice talking… What's your name?”
He hesitates, of course, soon replying. “My name, I'm Boxten.”
“Nice talking, Boxten, I'll be heading off now, enjoy your day!” I finally said, as I started to slowly walk off, waving Boxten a goodbye.
He did the same, of course, waiting a moment to think before replying. “You too! Uhm, goodbye!” He walked off, but there was clearly more emotion in the way he walked, such as how he jumped with each step and was clearly smiling more than I've ever seen before.
—
That was a week ago now, I hope Boxten enjoyed my show. I can't lie, he hasn't left my mind any peace, I keep thinking about him, how he talks, how shy he is, I wonder how he reacted during the show… Was he smiling, was he struggling with the questions, did I make them too difficult? Is he disappointed?...
I've been sitting on the carpeted floor of my bedroom, for a few minutes now, in front of the mirror with my legs to my chest. Okay it's been way longer than just a few minutes, but saying it was a few makes me feel better. Is this what worries Brightney about me? Quote “overthinking” too much? It's not overthinking, she doesn't get it! I'm just, maybe, a little self conscious? Big difference either way.
…Maybe she is right, though, I don't know how long I've been sitting like this. I usually feel like this after shows, sitting, rotting away, staring at myself, wondering if all of this was ever worth it. I keep reflecting on how I did on the show, questions, the struggle, the stress, the overwhelming noises of cheering, I can still hear it. Even in the quiet. “Scra-aps!” “Scra-aps!” “Scra-aps!”
I shoot up off the floor, throwing my blazer off as I turn around and head for my drawers. I hate doing this, hunting down the blade even after all the times I tell myself I'll stop, after I tell myself “This will be the last time.” I dig through all the litter and random useless objects in my drawer. “Where is it?!” I groan, starting to grab things and throw them out. After emptying everything out, I realize it's gone, that Brightney must've gone through my stuff again when I was busy at my show.
I kick the drawer closed with my foot, I fall onto my bed and pull at my hair. “Stupid- stupid Brightney! Fucking BITCH! UGH!!” I toss and turn on my bed, pulling harder, letting go, then grabbing a stronger grip. I groan and whine as I let go of my scalp, now all red and sore, then sit up on the edge of the bed. Shit, I'm so childish what the hell was that? Like an adult tantrum. I threw myself off the bed before my eyes landed on my mirror again.
It's a rectangular shaped standing mirror. I see myself in it, looking like I just ran a few miles, but then I look at the edges, those.. really sharp, shiny edges, like it's calling my name, luring me towards it. I took slow and gentle steps, foot in front of the other, wobbling closer and closer to the mirror. I hesitated, bringing my wrist on the corner. I could feel it, the coldness, the sharpness, so sharp I don't even have to move my wrist to feel a poke. Then I think about Brightney. She got rid of my blade, to keep me from hurting myself in this sense, she cares about me, and I'm here taking it for granted. Then I think about Boxten, what would he think about me? What if he found out I was doing this to myself? Me, Vee, super popular, famous gameshow host, showing her vulnerability to a MIRROR. He'd never think of me the same. I back up, look to the door of my bedroom which is shut tight after I slammed it earlier, as if there was anyone to hear it.
My arm goes down, slowly, gently, but it's still enough, for now. That's one scratch. I bring my wrist back up, then glide it downwards again, a little harder this time. Then I did it again, harder, then harder, I've cut my skin, but it's still not enough. Again. Again. Again. There's blood now, but I'm still not satisfied. I leaned harder and it stung, I let out a shaky breath before going harder and quicker. “..Ow, ow ow” I muttered, but I kept going, I shed a tear but I didn't let that stop me.
I rubbed my wrist against the top corner of my mirror for about five minutes after that before giving in. I am truly pathetic, aren't I. I took her care for granted, now I don't have a right to go to hers and vent, I put this upon myself. My knees buckle and I let myself fall on the floor. She's probably going to want to check on me tomorrow, ugh I should've waited for after our visit to do that.
My back lays motionless against my bedroom floor, staring at the ceiling above. I don't bother to wipe the tears, I don't bother to care for my cuts, I let myself bleed and sob, then close my eyes. I wish I could sleep through everything like currently, forget the show, forget friends- forget living.
—-
I stirred awake and it was already the next day, sunlight glimmering through the gaps of my curtains, lighting up areas of my room. I rub sleep dust out of my eye before sitting up straight. What time is it? I don't have a clock in here, do I… I slowly lift myself up off the floor, my wrist in unbearable pain. I should go downstairs to make breakfast and bandage my wrist. , I think my phone is down there as well, so I can use that to check the time.
I took my time to go downstairs since I walk wobbly after sleeping on the floor for so long. When I made it to the kitchen, I was finally fully awake now, I find my phone on the dining table, it's 6:41am. I'm used to seeing missed calls or messages from Brightney but it's too early for now. Maybe I could go back to sleep at set an alarm for about.. half nine? I would love to, but I'm already awake and it'll take me a while to fall asleep again. Not worth it.
I wrapped bandages around my wrist, for breakfast I've decided to have a cup of coffee, though I don't need it, and a packet of crisps. It was enough for the morning at least. So there I was, on my dining table, with my ‘breakfast’ while I doomscrolled on my phone. Shortly later, around 7am, is when I decided to start getting ready for the day. Brushing my hair, picking out and outfit, might look at myself in the mirror for a few minutes. Are the bandages obvious? What if a fan sees them and I lose my popularity or they all post it on social media? …Whatever, it hasn't happened yet.
10am
This is the time Brightney expects me to start getting ready, that's if I'm not actively sleeping. She'll be soo surprised when she finds out I woke up early today! While I was walking to Brightneys house, Boxten crosses my mind again; I wonder why Boxten only takes this path the same day as my show, I wonder if in another universe, he walked this path the day after my show instead of the same, maybe we would've met sooner, I wonder how his life would be if we crossed paths weekly, just a day away, Boxten.
To my surprise, there's a similar figure in the distance. That's new, I haven't recognized people for a long while, after I graduated, I've only had very few friends, and being famous, people who say they want to be your friend; only say so for the sake of popularity. When I squinted my eyes, I saw Boxten getting closer. Boxten? Today? “What's the occasion?” I asked, as we were finally close enough to hear each other.
His face showed obvious confusion, he looked to his left and right before looking back at me. “... Occasion? Uhm, what- what do you mean..?”
Of course. Still stuttering, tense, nervous, all that stuff. How could I have forgotten? “I walk this way every day, Boxten. This time in particular! I was only curious.” I said, looking away. Maybe if I look away, he'll pay more attention to- shit, shut UP! You DON'T need attention, envy, ..I wouldn't want to put a burden on him.
He looked away then back at me, shit what have I done. I bring my focus back to him. He looks so flustered it's silly. “I- oh! Uhhm, no there's no special occasion.. uhm, my parents just.. Want me to get out of the house..!” He brought his hands to fidget with the ends of his sleeves, slouching forward a little bit. “Staying in too much! Right? Haha..ha.” He gave an awkward smile, he was so cute though, honestly. His smile is so cute, like something I want to protect… -I'm… getting carried away here.
I nodded along, smiling with him. My cheeks warmed up as I study his stupid little face, for.. a reason. “You’re still living with your parents?” I ask. He looks around my age, if not a little younger. “But no yeah I get that.” I brought my hand up to fix my bowtie, fidgeting. “I stay indoors a lot aswell..” He blinked slowly, like a quiet way of agreeing. We stood in silence for a few seconds before my show came across my mind again. “Oh! Boxten! How did you like the show? Were the questions… okay?” What was that. Did you just hesitate?! Hesitant in front of a fan be so for real, Vee.
His face lit up, his then awkward smile shifted into a genuine one. “YES! I LOVED it Vee! You out did yourself, honest!” He leaned in a little closer, like he got carried away or something. It took him a minute before getting self conscious about the small space between us. He backed away, shrinking under my presence again. Though as much as I love the superior feeling, poor Boxten. “Sorry- uhm, yeah, the show was… decent.”
That was ridiculous. He clearly loved it. ‘decent’ yeah decent my ass. I'm glad he liked it. I smile, before getting a giggle out at his pathetic attempt of regaining his composure. He had his head down, looking away at the ground, he wasn't slouched over but instead up straight, and his hands presumably still doing something as he hid them behind his back. “Pff- hahahah! Oh Boxy, nice cover up, Soo discreet!” I started to laugh in front of him, to which he laughed along; starting gentle, then more heartfelt.
When we both calmed down, there was one more question lingering in the back of my mind. Is it too soon to ask? He wouldn't mind… Right? “Hey, uhm, I have to go now. Though, you wouldn't mind I… can… get your….number?” I smiled, awkwardly. Veeeryyy awkwardly, it was so painfully obvious: my hand on the back of my neck- wait, since when?! My eyes avoided his gaze, shifting my weight from leg to leg. When I did look back at him, he looked.. speechless, sort of like me at the moment. His eyes gleamed and his mouth was agape.
He didn't say anything, but he definitely nodded. A little aggressively, possibly desperate. So shortly after that, I was on my way back to Brightneys house. I wasn't going to arrive early, I don't know if she'll believe me if I tell her I woke up early today, but at least a small scolding is definitely worth getting his number.
—--
I'm sitting on Brightneys’ couch right now, waiting for her to return from the kitchen. She found out about my bandages, she offered to take care of them for me, and she wasn't sugarcoating how poorly I wrapped it, but I won't disagree, I was half assed while wrapping my wrist.
I hear the gentle padding of her footsteps returning. She has a first aid kit and a cup of tea. There was a silence in the atmosphere, but it wasn't awkward; it wasn't eerie or uncomfortable or intolerable, it was peaceful. A mutual understanding between us both. It's always Brightney who ruins it though. “Vee, you know I care about you right? Why don't you even contact me instead of doing this to yourself..?” I didn't answer her, I looked away instead, I remember the guilt I went through whenever I was hurting myself, about taking Brightneys care for granted. I didn't reply straight away, instead I sat there, looking at the ground ahead. “Lets change the topic, we can talk later yeah?” With that, I nodded, smiling gently to Brightney, finally looking at her again. “Well… Valentines Day is very soon! Do you fancy anyone yet?”
I rolled my eyes when she just had to stress out the “yet” like… I can fancy people you know? It might just take a while. “Hm, as per usual, I may not be able to answer your question.” I responded with a random formal tone, just to piss her off as much as she did to me, still don’t know why she hates them so much. Suddenly, a quick mental image of Boxten and me being together crossed my mind. Wait. Me? Boxten? No, God no! He's just a fan, way out of my league! It would be pure humiliation to be seen out in public, with my popularity and his randomness and awkwardness!
“I see you're thinking about someone, hmm?” Brightney cut me out of my thoughts, just to make me feel worse than I did while thinking. “I'm sure you'll find someone eventually, Vee. And whatever, or whoever, you're thinking of; we never know, maybe in a few years time right now I'll be at your wedding!” She giggled to herself, to which I groaned and slouched further into the couch.
Then I think about Boxten, again. Forget popularity, forget his awkward posture that I've never seen him without. Theoretically, right, would I ever see myself with him?- No. I like him. As a friend. “Brightney, I…” Yeah, I should let Brightney know, maybe she can give me advice..? “I like him as a friend! -Well, can I really consider him a friend? I- basically got a random fans’ number but… honestly, I enjoyed talking with him last night..”
Brightney raised her eyebrows at this. I know what topic she's about to bring up. About fans, friends and fake friends. Brightney is a friend, a great friend! She's not friends with me because I'm popular, if anything, she'd want to stay miles away from being popular. She's only ‘known’ because she participated in my show more frequently than others. She lets me visit, vent, and she cooks my favourite food. She's always on about keeping an eye out for people who claim to be my friend for the sake of becoming famous, using me. To be honest, I should ask Boxten something similar to that maybe. He doesn't even seem to be the type to want to be seen by at most three people at the same time, I think it's very unlikely. To my surprise… “Whatever you say. Do you reckon you'll ask him out on Valentines?” She raised a single brow, eyeing me.
I didn't appreciate her eyeing me like that. Though I do take a moment to contemplate, me and him. More so if I do then how should I do it? Flowers? Love note? What else is there… A fancy dinner date? With slow jazz in the background? And the air is full of romance? I take a breath in through my nose, hesitating. “Maybe…” I paused for a moment to think again before continuing. “We haven't been friends for that long anyways… We haven't hung out, we only talk when the both of us have no better to do. Wouldn't you also think that confessing so soon is a little far stretched..?”
Brightney finally sat down beside me, I looked away, I'm not getting emotional over this, never in a million years. Why does it have to be Brightney, why can't I just- vent to myself, through the mirror, that way I won't have to see the sympathetic expression on her face then regret opening up to her. “Vee, don't think about it too much.” She placed her hand on my shoulder. “You don't need to confess to him so soon if you still aren't sure.”
I nodded, taking a moment to think before replying. “Yeah, I know.” So I guess that's something to think about during the week, not that I have priorities anyways for as long as I've finished making questions and answers for my show anyways, I'm available until I host it.
—--
[ I'm writing this at almost midnight, I haven't journaled in a while so I'll catch up on everything that happened throughout the two weeks. ] [Journal]
Two weeks after that brings us to February 13th, Valentines day is right around the corner, me and Boxten have been hanging out together when neither of us are busy. Usually on Tuesdays, shows are hosted, Wednesdays I visit Brightney, then all the rest of the days I'd be available to hang out unless I want to rot away in my bedroom. Going outside is something I haven't really been comfortable with. Ever since the show started, going outside felt humiliating, until I got famous, everything was overwhelming.
On days that I go outside to hang out on, it is always either Boxten, Brightney, or on rare occasions, both. The first day me and Boxten hung out as friends, I reminded him to ignore my popularity status, and I'll forget about any awkward moments, the best part is it rarely ever got awkward. I'd talk about suggestions for the gameshow, he'd talk about music. Boxten really did know a lot about music, actually, now he's got me starting to believe that my questions that one time were too easy…
I have had a lot of support from Brightney recently. When I tell how I feel, she'd give me her best advice, and even tell me that if I do decide to confess, how to do it and in what order. She has honestly made me feel more confident within myself, the two of them have got to be the best things that have happened in my life; Brightney is amazing in every way, comforting, supporting, encouraging me through everything in my life. On the other hand, Boxten, ever since I've met him and gotten closer, my mental health has gotten slightly better than before. Who am I kidding, a lot, really. Hurting myself has become less frequent as an occurrence, being with him has gotten me out of the house more times a week, and one thing I've been very proud of recently; Boxten has gotten comfortable enough around me to vent to me!
I've felt very proud of myself ever since because I have very few friends and half of my friends are my family. Being friends with Boxten has helped me emotionally and mentally, more than I'd like to admit.
Currently, I'm picking out an outfit to wear since I’m planning on confessing to Boxten tomorrow. Should I wear a suit? A dress? Something casual? No, absolutely not. What to wear, what to wear. I have a dress here which I honestly love, but I think it's too revealing… How about.. A cute off shoulder top along with some flared jeans? I could actually take a photo of it and ask Brightney for feedback, but I feel like I've been bothering her a lot recently, I feel like I'm not giving her enough time for herself. I'll go with this outfit and hope for the best. Now, my hair, how should I do my hair?
This is going to be a long night. Spending time playing with my hair, contemplating life decisions, if all of this will ever be worth it, will I get anything out of this if he says no, what if he only says yes because he feels too pressured to say no, pressured by my fame, what I would do to him if he says no…
Surely he knows I'm not that cruel.
—
9:25am
So it's morning now. I went with the top and bottoms I mentioned last night. I'm actually very nervous right now. Why?! Why am I so, whatever it's called! Like- I'm afraid I'm going to get rejected, humiliate myself, get embarrassed. I should've taken the time to go over if he likes me back: any signs, hints, I'd consider getting flustered a point but he gets flustered all the time.. Or at least, for as long as I've seen him. The likelihood he likes me back is low. So so low. I'm about to go into a shop, buy some flowers, and pray he likes them.
9:36 am
Alright so I found a pretty tulip flower bouquet with blue and purple flowers. They look pretty, smell amazing, and Boxten told me once his favourite colour was purple, specifically darker, so if he doesn't like this, I will be very surprised. I've asked him to meet up with me at around ten in the morning today. It's probably suspicious enough since it's Valentines day as well. We are meeting up in a park with a nature walk and a lot of flowers and plants. I like to go there sometimes to clear my mind, to get out of the house, or when Brightney is busy.
10 am
Anxiety fills me when I see the figure of Boxten in the distance, that also means I will be confessing my feelings to him any moment now. I hold the bouquet behind me, hiding it from his view. While waiting on him being close enough, I spent the time rethinking about what I was going to say to him and how.
We're face to face now, and the entirety of knowing each other, comparing him right now with when we first met, he is so obviously more comfortable with being around me, unlike when we weren't as close. He was tense, hesitant, and nervous. He does still act like that, but it's shown in a way that you wouldn't understand. I love him. He looks at me, speaking up. “Vee! What's up? Need anything or just down to hang out?”
I snapped back to reality, my hand clenched around the bouquet behind me. Suddenly, I hold it between us, leaning it closer to Boxten. “Boxten, I've brought you here to tell you that ever since I met you, my life has flipped and became unbelievably so much better and easier for me to live in. Throughout the weeks of knowing you and getting closer day by day, feelings that I never knew I had within me started to grow, and I want you to know..” My voice cracks, I begin to show nervousness. “That I- uUhm.. let's get straight to the… point.. I love you. Boxten, I love you more than I might be able to show, this is my way of confessing…” I look at him in the eyes, he looks at me back.
He begins to fidget with his shirt, looking down, then away, and finally, back at me. There was silence, my arm slowly getting weak while holding it in the air. I see him take in a deep breath, his cheeks clearly growing warmer. ”U-uhm… Vee..” He sniffed in, hesitating, as badly as he usually would've when we first met. “Uh.. I.. right..” I get anxious, he's probably nervous to turn me down, I knew it. I shouldn't have gotten so comfortable. Now I've ruined our friendship because of a stupid feeling, I'm so stupid, I should've seen this coming, if I was on my own right now my wrists would be getting the hell cut out of them. He looks at me, his head tilting. I'm scared. “Ever since I started watching your show… Uhm.. I've felt the same way and uh- well..” My eyes widened in surprise. Out of everything I expected, this was the last thing on my list, and that's if it was even on it… “I really like you, Vee. I love you… to- too..”
A smile threatened to make its appearance on my face, but there was nothing I could do. I smiled, giggled, then laughed under my breath.. God, this was all so stupid- so silly… I handed the bouquet to Boxten, who took them with much appreciation and a hint of care. He brought them closer to himself, allowing him to lower his head and smell the flowers in it. He smiled, then I smiled brighter, I reached out my hand and he held on, I brought him close then we went on a peaceful slow stroll through the parks’ nature walk. The atmosphere was strangely quiet considering that I presumed a handful of other couples would come here. To my surprise, there were only a few. More birds singing than people, the leaves dancing with the wind beside us, kids in the far distance playing in the park, dog owners out for walks, but the nature walk was made for us. Only us. It was written in the stars.
—
11pm
That night, I laid on my bed, staring into the ceiling, going through everything that happened, do I regret any of it? Did everything go perfect; the way I wanted it to go? That felt… Weird to admit. Nothing usually goes the way I want. I’ve gotten so used to the universe just wanting me to fail, any way possible, whether it be a mental thought or in the open embarrassing moments. I put so much effort in revising and theorising whatever might happen and whenever. Did the universe finally give up? Of course not, don’t get ahead of yourself, Vee. Just appreciate it. Boxten, he… loves me. He loves me back.
I shoot up to sit on my bed -rather than lying down- and a smile creaks through. “He loves me!... He LOVES me YOU HEAR ME?” I stand up, punching the air and cheering. “YEEESSS!!!” I’m so lucky… Lucky me! Lucky Boxten he gets to be with me… Right? No one gets a chance to be with ME. He better be appreciating this moment as much as I am…
I drop back onto my bed. Looking down at the floor, my legs gently swing off the bed. How can we hang out after this..? Should we consider them hang outs- of course we should! What else would they be? …Dates? It’s not too soon for a date… Is it? Who even cares. It’s my life. And that means I’m doing what I want to do!
My eyes landed on my phone, which was sitting deserted with my digital clock on my bedside table, charging. I tap the surface of my phone twice, just to turn it on. No new notifications? Ugh. As usual. Should I text him? Would he even be awake at this time? How would I even structure it? Should I just ask and not think twice? To get it over and done with? I should think about the downsides of asking him… Is it too soon? Is that all? That’s my only reason to not request it. But good sides? We can get closer I guess. We can spend time talking and eating together. More pros than cons! You know what that means!
I slouch back against my beds’ headboard and lean over to grab my phone, unplugging it from the charger. I open Whatsapp and click on “Boxy” . Yes, I named him that, it’s corny but I couldn’t care less. My eyes land on the ‘active now’ text below his name. Huh, so he is up. I start typing to him. “Heey Boxy boy, call it too soon, I’ll worry about it later.. Let’s have dinner? Tomorrow?” My thumb hovers above the send button. C’mon, it’s just a request… Send it already! I see Boxten start typing. He sends a message. “Hii Veee!!!!” Awwh, I can just imagine the smile on his face right now!! I go to delete the start of my message. “-Heey-” to “Haaii” then I send it. I cringe behind the screen, expecting to be judged, expected to get laughed at- hey, Boxten wouldn’t laugh at that. Speaking of Boxten, he starts typing again. “YEAH YES SURE!! Where?? When?? Sry-” I giggle at the way he texts.. So informal, so careless. My dad taught me to grow out of informality whenever he started planning my takeover of the gameshow.. It’s still cute to think about. “Hmm…” one message, then another. “Say… Cosmic Restaurant if you’ve ever been there? I personally love it. Around 6 or 7 pm? If you’re available then?” Boxten took a second before typing immediately. “YEAH I will! Aaaalways available..!!” “Nice, see you… Don’t stay up too late now!”
12am
I turned my phone off, not bothering to go to the floor to grab the fallen charger. Why should I do that? I’m sooo comfy right now. I place my phone on my bedside table, glancing at it before looking back ahead of me. Not that there was anything to focus on anyways. My eyes closed as I shortly fell asleep. …Surprisingly.
—
[Journal]
9am
I woke up at 9, I don't know why I'm surprised. Isn't it normal to wake up naturally after eight hours of sleep? Well, of course it is. But I'm not used to it. We don't talk about why. I got some random clothes and dressed up, while brushing my hair I thought about visiting Brightney. I shouldn't get used to going to Brightneys' house for unimportant things. I've already mentioned a similar topic but Brightney only considers this unimportant because she said one time about being… Aroace? Whatever that means. Basically she's just not the one for romance as she would say. She acts like she doesn't read ‘smutty’ books... I still wonder why she has those…
Should I go out to Brightneys to see how long I can spend before 6? Would she be busy? I mean, she's like always busy.. She re-does her to-do list literally every night. I wish I had something to do all day while I wait. How about going over my questions for the next show?
[In person]
I dropped my journal on the bed, which lowkey fell off a second after. Time went by so slowly that it wasn't even funny anymore. I pick up my phone and open tiktok, messaging Brightney there. “Brightney, are you busy today?” To which I hope she doesn't get the wrong idea since it's Valentines day today. I waited for around five or ten minutes and only then did she see my message. She replied “Out with someone, sorry!” Just my luck. What are the chances if I go outside and walk about that I'll come across Brightney? And her someone? Wait, does Brightney seriously have a boyfriend? And she never told me! It's Saturday today, and the majority of shops are closed today. Obviously some will be open. Should I go out?
10am
I question what to do while doomscrolling. This is insane. Instead of going outside or doing something productive, I'm sitting on my bed doomscrolling on tiktok. I turn off my phone and drop it on the bed. I stand up and head for my bedroom door but then I hesitate. What if Boxten or Brightey calls? And I don't have my phone to answer them? I quickly go back and grab my phone before going out of my bedroom.
I walk down my staircase and head for the kitchen. I can make breakfast, but I don't want to be full for our date and disappoint him. Though, Brightney always tells me to never skip breakfast, no matter the occasion. … But she's not here, is she, she won't know. Wait. But then what if Boxten sees me as gluttonous if he thinks I've had breakfast and still gobble down all of the food at dinner? You know what. Doesn't matter. I don't care what he thinks. Totally.
I turn to go into my living room, I drop myself onto the couch and turn on the television. What should I watch? Right now the news is on, but honest, who even cares about that. I skip through the channels. “Woah, Vees’ gameshow? Sure does sound interesting! I wonder what happens in it.” I giggle to myself at my own sarcastic comment. Aware nobody actually is listening, it'd be more scary if someone was listening over not. I turned on Vees’ gameshow and skipped to my third most recent one. Believe it or not, but I don't really watch my own show, at most, I watch those single minute long videos on tiktok with a clip of a random time in my show. It feels like I'm being mocked or something, but they do it to other gameshow hosts, they're clearly jealous.
[Journal]
12pm
I can't wait! Six or seven more hours to go from here. I spent a few minutes on tiktok again after the show finished. Now I understand why Boxten seemed obsessed with them, I would even be my own biggest fan if I had a bit more of an ego.
1pm
I start appreciating how the majority of my for you page on tiktok is often my own content. Unfortunately, some of Scraps’ video appear on my for you page as well, but I just scroll by. I don't have the time to scroll through comments saying either “You're so pretty” or “Suhlut”.
I hate to admit it, but when I see a new notification in my inbox, I hope more than I should that it's a message from either Boxten or Brightey.
2pm
I started to look at myself in the mirror again. Contemplating how I look, if the dress I picked out was good enough. Debating if my hair looked greasy or not. Nothing some dry shampoo and a ton of brushing can't fix! I'm not going to wash my hair/shower until my hair is greasy.
4pm
Spent longer than I should’ve on that. Now my arms feel weak and my head is sore. It all worked out in the end. Now I'm starting to think about how to do my hair.
-Make up?- Obviously I'm going to add makeup, I want to be worth looking at for Boxten.
Sometimes I wonder if I ever had a girl in love with me. Random thoughts.
4:30
Make up done, lowkey running out of space on this page and I don't want to write on the next page because then my already fucked up journal wouldn't be aesthetically pleasing.
5pm
Pulled out a few dresses, thinking over the first option if it's best or if I should replace it.
6pm
I'm going to leave now.
—-
[In person]
I'm standing outside the restaurant that me and Boxten both planned to go to today. Today. This time. I for some reason doubt the time, if I got something wrong or messed up somewhere. I hope Boxten didn't forget.
The sky above is dark with no stars. I mean, I know there are stars, but there's too much light down here to see them. Why can't I just be cinematic for once. The atmosphere is warm and relaxing with the occasional cold breeze. I actually wouldn't mind if Boxten was late. This is nice. My eyes closed as I leaned against the brick wall behind me.
“Vee!”
I jumped, my eyes opening instantly as my eyes look at who's approaching. It's Boxten! I'm so happy. He was all dressed up, and he'll not point it out but I can just tell he was in love with me. I walked in, Boxten following behind. We went up to the register thing except I don't know what it's called. “Table for two? VIP?” With that, Boxten glanced at me, I stared back. “What? It's crowded as hell down here.” I pulled out my phone to pay then we went upstairs.
As they opened the doors at the top of the stairs, wow, it was very not crowded. Just barely some people. Saw scraps sitting on her own like a sore loser though. We sat somewhat nearby her, the size of the chairs basically hid her since she's pretty short. Just saying that because she's slouching really badly. I wonder why she's in VIP right now on her own. Shouldn't she be saving her money for the next bribery attempt to let her on my show?
Just like that, I heard the doors behind us creak open again. Already? Another person again? I hope this doesn't continue and get packed with people. The VIP area pays extra recently since a lot of people like to come here, especially since it's Valentines.
Boxten and I have been minding our own business nethertheless, looking at the menu we got handed since we walked in. The person who walked in approached us, I felt tapping on my shoulder, I peek over behind me. Brightney..? “Oh, Brightney? Uhm, hi. What are you doing here?”
She smiled and didn't reply, walking past to sit with Scraps. She glanced over at us, finally responding. “Uh, going on a dinner date with Scraps? Obviously?” She giggled, looking at Scraps who gave me a cocky smirk.
My jaw dropped, I looked over at Boxten to see if he was seeing the same thing I was seeing. But all he did was looked up at me, gave a smile then looked back to the menu. Does he seriously not care? Since Scraps was looking at me as well as Brightney, I looked at her with my hand in the air pointing towards Scraps. I didn't say it out loud, but I did mouth the words “That slut? Why?! Why her?”
Brightney spoke up, breaking the ‘silence’. “Relax, we’re only pretending to date to get the couples’ free meal deal here.” She finally put her focus on Scraps. But I saw the way Scraps looked at Brightney, and believe me. I didn't let that go unnoticed. I may not take action just now, for as long as Boxten is around. But Scraps better know I'm not letting her have a chance with Brightney.
Finally, I brought my attention back to the menu. And just above it, I saw Boxten peek upwards. What could he want? He leans in a little closer, lowering his voice, glancing between me and them. “Why are they getting a free meal deal when the money that they're saving is then spent on the VIP area..?” He whispered, leaning back, clearly genuinely confused.
Then I started to think in the same mindset. Especially since VIP is more expensive recently. Brightney I'm sure she's fine to suit herself, I don't think she's the type the waste money, but she doesn't necessarily save so much. I don't have a fucking clue what Scraps does, not interested anyways. She just better pipe her ego down thinking she can get on my show again.
I looked to Scraps and Brightney, then back to Boxten. I giggled. “I see your point. That is a good question.” Smiling, I paused, then spoke up again. “Well, do you know what you're going to order yet?”
With that, Boxten lowered the menu, folding it closed. “The uh, mash, sausages with gravy will do me fine..”
I tapped my thumb on the table, thinking of a nice way to say this. “Is that.. All? Will that fill you okay?” Boxten nodded, leaning back in the chair. He gave off a guilty expression, to which I felt empathetic for. I reached over, held his hand in mine, rubbing circles with my thumb. “That's fine, if you are hungry later let me know alright?”
I loved this. The way his cheeks warmed up, how his back slowly straightened again to reply to me. He speaks quiet, having to come closer for me to hear. “I will, thanks. Sorry- my father claims I'm a ‘picky eater’, there's a lot of things I don't really like…”
I nodded, speaking low as well just for the sake of matching him. “No, I get that. I actually know a few picky eaters, usually like the same things, I'll be sure to make you food you'll love, Boxten.” I don't. I lied. I can just hardly cook and I only know Brightney Boxten and other show contestants. But anything to make him smile, to which, it worked. Ugh he's so adorable, I love him. Thinking about cooking, I wonder if me and Brightney could cook together.
The doors to the VIP area opened, it was a waitress. She comes towards me and Boxten first, I glance at Boxten then back at her. Her name tag said ‘Ginger’. She was honestly very pretty, too pretty to be working in a restaurant, as a waitress out of anything. “I'll have bacon with eggs, nothing too big.” She didn't even judge, she didn't steal a glance, she didn't eye me. Boxten should be fine with this.
When she brought her attention to Boxten, he glanced downwards, tilting his head. When he looked up, he finally spoke up again. “I'll have, uhm,” He inhales. “Mash, sausages, and gravy? Please?” To that she nodded, scribbling away, then went off to the others’ table.
While waiting on our food, I spoke up, starting a conversation with Boxten.”Boxten. Ever thought about being a contestant for the show?”
Boxten looked up at me, breaking eye contact every now and then. “I uh, have, a few times..” He brings his fingers through his hair. Fingers intertwining with the strands. “In reality though, I couldn't. Physically.” A nervous laugh. “Social anxiety would go through the roof, you know?” I nodded along. I had social anxiety growing up as well, I'm surprised people never get over it like I do though. “Standing, stuttering, In front of however many people..”
I guess that's a valid excuse. Such a shame though. I yearn for the day I can go around screaming that my boyfriend was on Vees gameshow. I giggled, at the thought, but Boxten will probably think I was giggling at him though. “That's fair. Who knows how many other fans have the same problem.” With that he agreed, then we sat in silence again.
Around ten minutes later, I started to get just a little bit impatient, totally. Dinner took a while to get ready. I hope it isn't cold. I hope Boxten doesn't mind. Actually it better not be cold. As if the gods heard me complaining, the doors opened and our dinner was served. From that point on, the dinner date wasn't all that bad, we had small talk from time to time, and I had eye contact with Brightney a few more times. Each time she looked at me, she smiled, is she getting anything out of this? Going on a ‘date’ with Scraps, letting Scraps get all close to her. She knows all the ways to piss me off. But you know what, it's fine. I have Boxten with me, I'll just focus on me and him and forget about the nuisance ahead of me.
—-
8pm
Me, Boxten, Brightney, Scraps and a small crowd of others as well, are all standing around the area in front of the restaurant. We have finished dinner, the restaurant has closed. And it is very cold, much more than earlier when I was waiting on Boxten. It's even worse since I'm in a dress right now. I wonder how Scraps is handling this. I raised my head to look at Scraps, and she's even closer to Brightney than before. Outrageous. I pull out my phone to see if we can get an Uber home, except my phone wouldn't turn on, don't tell me it's dead…
I turn my head to face Boxten while putting my phone back in my purse. “Boxteeennnn…. Have you got your phone?” To which he shook his head. Just great. At least I've been here enough to roughly know my way back home, but walking all of that, in the cold, in a dress, absolutely not. Then I dare to see Scraps and Brightney together heading towards a car. Should I ask if they can drive us as well? I hesitate, my hand holding my wrist. If I don't ask them right now, they'll already be away and I'll miss my chance.
So I approached the two of them, Brightney waving at me, Scraps and her stupid ass smile. Boxten followed behind me, clearly not as brave, since this is Scraps who he should know I hate, and another girl I don't believe he knows. This is Scraps’ car. I see her holding the keys and it's white and pink, AND I know Brightney doesn't have a car. So I have to ask… her. “Sooo, Scraappsss, we're like, so totally friends right?.. Let us hop on?”
I smiled, I don't care if she knew it was fake. She's going to say no, I can't tell by the way she looks me up and down. But since she's with Brightney right now, along with me and Brightney being actual best friends, only that she said yes to. She rolled her eyes. “No right, we absolutely are! BEST friends, in fact.” So before I knew it, me, Brightney and Boxten were sitting in the back, Scraps was driving. I really hope she never mentions this, this is a shame, being in HER car.
I looked over at Boxten. His posture leaned slightly forwards, his head hung low, and his hands on his lap. Oh, but if only there was something I could do to make him feel better… In the blink of an eye, I leaned closer to Boxten. My hand hovered over his leg, bringing my hand closer to his, then I got his grasp. I held his hand. I'm holding his hand!! I smiled, then saw Brightney looking at me in the corner of my eye, in return, I peeked over, smiled, then focused on Boxten again. Now she feels how I felt seeing her with Scraps. “...Sorry” She whispered. Deadass? She actually knew what I was thinking?
With my hand still in his, I brought my full attention to Brightney. I saw Scraps staring me down in the rearview mirror, and so I brought my mouth to Brightneys’ ear, covering it with my spare hand. “This better be the last time I see you with her.” I whispered back. She nodded. Damn. Now I feel bad, she actually just agreed? Does she not think I'm rude? Is she really not defending Scraps like she would usually respond with ‘lets be nice and friendly’ some shit…
The drive was long and quiet, me and Boxten literally held hands the entire ride until we got off. We were dropped on on a random street but Brightney claimed she knew where we were. Scraps waved Brightney a goodbye before driving off, now it was just the three of us. Since Brightney knew where we were, we'll walk with her until we recognise where we were. Boxten was the first between us both and so he left, we said bye then it was just me and Brightney.
Then Brightney, now that it's just us, finally confessed. “Scraps made me very uncomfortable, you know.” My eyes widened. Wow. I thought the contrary of that. “I mean yeah she's a brat and no one really likes brats apart from boys but…” She bit her lip, hesitating. “She dresses and acts like a slut aswell.”
My jaw dropped. “Seriously??” I never thought I'd hear Brightney actually insult someone for once. She's always like ‘with an I feel statement, how does this make me feel’ sort of person, she once said to me ‘lets not talk about people who aren't involved with the current moment.’ God, this is why I like being around Brightney. She always knows how to lift the mood. “She’s like all over you, I was honestly… Afraid that you'd choose her over me.”
Brightney walked closer, bringing her arm around my back and over my shoulder. “No one could ever replace you, Vee. Not even Scraps.” That made me feel better. I stopped walking and pulled her tight into a hug, then she hugged me back.
—
The end