Chapter Text
000
Monday, 31st January 1955
I haven't done this in so long. How do other girls even start their diary entries? Starting with dear diary sounds so juvenile. This is silly, I'm so silly, why am I even doing this?
000
Like a teenage girl, I resort to slumping against the wall, looking up at the ceiling speckled with mold. Get it together Busby, I told myself. Take some deep breaths, you're being ridiculous. I put my pen down to shake my hand out, asking myself. What do I even write about?
000
I bought this diary because I wanted somewhere to put my thoughts. I have so many thoughts. Life in London is nice, or at least I thought it would be. I thought moving somewhere new, all alone would change me. That somehow I'd become the girl I always wish I could be. The outgoing, social girl who relishes in the attention of male suitors (in a godly way of course, I'm not a harlot). But I'm not. I'm still plain old Delia Brynn Busby.
I don't like drinking and dancing in clubs with men I hardly know. I'm eighteen and I've never met a gentleman that's made me blush. "You're still so young sprout, don't fret so much." or "I wish I found it that easy to keep my heart and mind free from lust. That's a good thing Delia," or worse. "You've always had your mind and heart firmly focused on the Lord, that's an excellent quality to have in a wife." But they don't understand, of course they don't. The shame it'd bring on me and my family if they knew.
000
Don't think like that Delia. You were just a girl — The only reasonable excuse I can come up with the defend myself. You were led astray, it won't happen again. I reminded myself as sucked on the end of my cap, momentarily gathering my thoughts before continuing.
000
I don't want to pursue nursing for a few years, stopping in my mid twenties to bare and raise children. Not that I've got anything against children, they are lovely, truly. I Just…
000
I feel my disobedience sitting on my chest, the wight of an anvil. I hear my mothers voice in my mind reminding me. "Delia, it's a woman's job to bare and raise children. It's what the Lord calls us to do. One day, you'll be old enough to understand." Well, I'm much older now, and I still don't understand. My thoughtful pause, leaving my pen on the page far too long. A blob of black ink settling into the page, spreading out. 'Useless', I mutter, a little too loudly under my breath.
'Delia, is that you in there?' Barbara sang out through the door, knocking softly.
'Be out in a minuet,' I do my best to reply nonchalantly. this isn't weird, I think as I wrap up my thoughts. She won't know I'm hiding in her journaling, surely.
000
The room I'm staying in is great, It's wonderful. The bathroom has running hot water. No boiling a pot. Just straight form the tap. The bath I had last night was lovely and so much less effort. My room mate Barbara is sweet. Her father's a Vicar, Mother will be glad I have a good influence around. I think she's gone out to tea with some other girls form out class but I said I needed to stay home and revise. I'm going to finish our required readings for class tomorrow and get some sleep.
Her friend Trixie practically dragged me out with them. We ended up at a bar and it was actually nice night. I met this girl, Patsy. I forgot my purse in the rush to leave, she bought me a drink. It was very kind of her. I found out we share a class together tomorrow so maybe I will finally have someone to sit next to in my Introduction to Anatomy and Pathophysiology class. I've heard from the second year students that Introduction to Anatomy and Pathophysiology and Legal are the hardest classes so I mustn't let myself get too distracted. It's so late, I haven't finished my readings so I'm going do one before I got to sleep and the other two before class tomorrow.
000
I finished up my journal entry before getting into my pajamas, finishing my reading in my bed.
000
Tuesday 1st February 1955
Waking up is hard, so hard. I'm on my second cup of tea of the morning. Pray for me.
I was going to write in here at morning tea but Patsy and I ended up eating together in the library. I'm quickly scribbling this in the bathroom like a psychopath. I've got Evidence Based Practice next, whatever that entails. Patsy didn't do the readings, she was having too much fun dancing with Trixie. I shared my notes with her, she was really glad I left early. I'm genuinely shocked, she didn't pick on me making notes on them. In fact she kept thanking me. I'd be lying if I said I didn't love it, is that wrong of me? I guess I'll have to repent on Sunday. Next to Patsy, class flew by. I barely noticed the two and a half hours pass. She's really smart, she barely read my notes and she could answer every single question immediately. I bet she'd make for a good study partner. Speaking of, we both have a free gap in-between classes tomorrow so we are going to meet up and do the readings for Thursday's class. Anyway I should get to class.
Evidence based practice was such a drag, I'm glad it is over. Now I have a tutorial, I have no idea what this tutorial is or how to prepare for it. This morning we had our Academic Assessment Tutorial. I'm glad to have Barbara, her friends Trixie and Patsy along in the class with me. We have Sister Evangelina for it, shes really strict. She said her job is to "keep us inline". I feel like I must have done something wrong even though I know this is the first time we have met.
Tutorial 1 was an introduction to the class, we didn't do much work. I got quite a pleasant surprise when I turned up, a tall red head in green checked flannel and Blue high-waisted trousers was standing outside the head nurses door. Half the lesson was Sister Evangelina lecturing us about our duties and responsibilities as students and proper etiquette. We went over what we learnt from A&P yesterday. She's given us both two essays to write that were to hand in by the end of Thursday. One on germ theory and another on ourselves and what qualities we bring to nursing. I don't know what I bring as a nurse. What does that even mean? I'm so tired but I have homework to do, Barbara invited me to Trixie's dorm to study, she said her room mate won't be getting home till later so I can join, I think I'll take her up on that offer.
000
knock, knock, knock sends a jolt of fear won my spine, pulling me out of my reflection. 'Umm, Just a minuet,' I call out hesitantly. Putting the lid on my cap, closing my journal, shoving it in my leather bag as I dart across the room to flush the toilet and wash my hands. That'll ease suspicion surely? I tell myself, butterflies swimming in my stomach as I unlock and open the bathroom door.
'There you are, ' Barbara greets me with her usual bright smile. 'I'm just heading to Trixie's room now.'
'Oh, yes, I'll gather my things now, sorry.' I say as I walk down the hall to our shared room. Swapping out my leisure book for the Anatomy and Pathohisiology textbook, stuffing my spare exercise book in with the rest of my class books.
Barbara chatted at me about some hot guy her and Trixie met. I was too busy fretting about my suspiciously long bathroom breaks to pay much attention. Before I knew it Barbara was knocking on a sandy brown wooden door, this one adorned with small paintings of flowers.
'Welcome!' Trixie squealed, immediately wrapping Barbara in a hug. I flinched as she did the same to me, this is awkward, Mother would tell me I'm being inappropriate. I thought, her perfume as loud as her yellow striped dress. It's fine, I didn't initiate it, she did. I took a deep breath flashing the most genuine smile I could muster. That is such a cute dress I thought staring at her.
'You quite alright Delia?' Trixie asked as we got settled, Barbara and Trixie on Trixie's bed, I made myself at home on the slightly cool floorboards.
'You've been a bit quiet today Delia,' Barbara added.
'Oh. no, no I uhh' I stumble over my own words, adding to my rising anxiety levels. 'I was just admiring your dress Trixie's, yellow is my favorite colour.'
'Thank you! It's new.' Trixie said standing up doing a twirl.
Her skirt flared and raise, my eyeline level with her mid thighs, I felt heat surge through my stomach. look away Delia you creep, a voice in the back of my mind scolded me as i snapped my eyes away. Trixie and Barbara giggled as Barbara, rite fully remarked on the scandalously short skirt.
'Gentleman love a girl in a short dress and heel, you two ought to learn firm me. It won't kill you to show some skin, no matter what your parents say.' Trixie lectured as she made her way to her shared dressing table. Barbara and I shared an uneasy glance as Trixie asked. 'Now, ladies. Who'd like a drink?'
'Oh, no thank you.' Barbara and I say in unison. I add on at the end. 'I'm here to study first.' Barbara and I look at each other. 'Yes,' she adds. 'I'll have one after my homework is done.'
'If you insist,' Trixie mused. Pouring herself a drink, Joining Barbara on the bed.
'What are we working on tonight ladies?' Trixie asked us, getting herself settled.
'I have to write an essay on germ theory for Tutorial 1 and one on what I bring to the table as a nurse or something.' I rubbed the fatigue from my eyes as I spoke, rifling through my bag to find my pen and the right notebook.
'Which one will you do first?' Barbara asked me.
'Probably the A&P essay. I've jotted down an outline already so it shouldn't take long.
'And you, Barbara?'
'Oh, Law revision and I have some questions to answer but that's it.'
'I'll do my law with you, I bet we can get it done in half the time if we do half each then copy each others answers.'
'That cheating, Trix.'
'No it's not, its called time management. Delia, what's your take on it?'
The two girls stared down at me. Silence hung between us as I tried to gather my thoughts. 'Well, I-I'
the door opened, like a savior Patsy crossed the threshold. She must have changed her outfit since our tutorial because she was now wearing a just above the knee length tight emerald green dress. 'I say, some-' Patsy said as I watched her stride confidently strode into the room, taking off her heels. 'Oh! Hello, Delia! Why are you on the floor?' She stood in front of me, towering over me. I felt my heart in my chest, pumping blood through my veins as she put her hands on her hips.
I didn't know she would be here, why didn't anyone tell me she would be here. I felt myself begin to speak clumsily. 'Umm I-I' I stutter, pathetically enamored and lost for words. This woman does things to my brain. I can't think, that's a lie. My thoughts are consumed by her long, toned, pale legs. Don't look up her skirt, Don't look up her skirt. I tell myself as I bum scutch back a bit, best to avoid temptation. I look to Barbara and then Trixie for guidance, what am I doing on the floor? I ask myself, my thoughts feel so muddled and far away. I can't just sit on a strangers bed, that's not- That's defiantly inappropriate.
'Sit on my bed,' Patsy ordered, breaking my inward spiral. Picking her pajamas up form underneath her pillow. 'I'll be back I'm just going to get into my night cloths. You guys don't mind do you?'
'No not at all,' Barbara reassured. 'This is your room after all. we can leave if you-'
'Its all good, I'll change in the bathroom.'
'Patsy, were all girls here. you can change in here.' Trixie chimed in.
'We won't look.' Barbara reassured. I sat on the floor, my body still as a board. I'm dreaming, this is a dream. I thought as I heard Patsy say.
'Okay, are you going to stay there on the floor all night Delia?' Patsy smirked at me.
'Um, no. no.' I heard myself say as I stood, straitening out my worn puffy skirt.
'Good, you're up, unzip me will you?' She turned around, facing the curtains, holding the front of her dress. Looking over her shoulder at me.
I felt myself blush, heat and a knot of anxiety? I think it's anxiety, what else could it be? settle in my stomach. Is that a smirk on her face? I question, does she know? I feel a fresh wave of butterflies swim around in my stomach as I tentatively close the distance between us. I'm losing my mind, why would she be smirking at me, Delia that's unnatural.
The turned her head back as I slowly dragged the zipper down, exposing the milky, pale skin on her back. Sparsely ordained with freckles and feint outlines of subtly sculpted muscles. Her perfume filled the air around me, enveloping me in its sweet floral musk. I'd never smelled something so divine. The zipper stopped, caught on the Seam of her waist band. I sheepishly looked at the band of her brazier, a beautiful baby pink. Don't linger Delia, this is bad enough as it is. tugged at it, at this rate I'll be at the Chapel all day on Sunday repenting for my crimes. I shift my stance, crossing my legs firmly together as I yank on the fabric again. Still stuck, this is embarrassing, I can't even unzip a dress.
'Oh if you hold to gather the fabric above, it'll-'
My mouth has never felt so dry, I'm keenly aware of how sweaty my palms have become as move my fingers to pinch the fabric together just above the zip. I feel her stiffen and wiggle letting out a small giggle.
'Sorry, your fingers are cold.'
I feel my face growing hotter, the squirming in my gut making me want to crawl out of my skin. 'Sorry,' I zip the dress up a little then down. 'There we go,' i let out the breath I'd been holding.
Patsy turns around to face me. Explaining, 'it's not just you. The zipper on this dress always gets stuck, thanks for that.' She pulls the fabric down her body, stepping out of it. My eyes Dart down, I didn't mean to. I don't know why I did it. Before I caught myself wringing my hands together as I walked to her bed, taking a seat facing the opposite direction. My stomach hurts, I feel nauseous. I should go home. I think as I massage my stomach.
'You okay Delia?' Barbara asks, ever observant.
'Yeah, yeah, my stomach-'
'Let me get you a hot water bottle. The monthlies need not be a taboo topic among women. Much less women who are yet to be nurses!'
'I- It's okay, I'm fine. We should study.'
'We will study, once you are comfortable.'
I avert my eyes, my hands busying themselves, twirling my hair as I force a smile and brief but agonizing eye contact.
Trixie return with the bottle
Patsy ask Delia what shes working on
'You sure the other essay isn't easier?'
A small laugh escapes my lips before I can compose myself.
I feel the groups eyes burn into me, 'Oh I. I don't really bring anything to nursing. That's why I'm here.'
'NO! NO, Delia I'm sure you bring many things to nursing. We'll help you think of something.' Barbara coaxed.
'We don't know you that well but you are very kind, that's a necessary quality to have as a nurse.'
'Very thoughtful, always happy to help others.'
'I don't know, I'm just going to focus on this essay I'll think about the other one tomorrow.' I dismiss their compliments, feeling a twinge of guilt as Patsy's face drop. 'Germ theory is easier to understand, maybe I'll get on a roll and do both?' I weakly suggest my stomach still aching.
We work in silence for a good thirty minuets before Trixie starts going on about a handsome man she met while out with Patsy. I do my best to focus on my work until I hear Trixie ask Patsy, 'What about you Patsy? Why weren't you dancing with the young men last night? You had plenty of chaps interested.'
I look up from my page, my eyes darting from Trixie to Patsy.
'What's wrong with simply not being interested?' Patsy asked maintaining eye contact with Trixie.
'Well,' Trixie paused. 'Don't you want to get married? Have a family?'
Patsy shrugged, 'surely it's not too far fetched for a young woman to be focused on her career above romantic pursuits.'
'That's true, it seems like many of the career nurses that are training us are not married.' Barbara chimed in, much to Trixie's dismay.
I felt my heart sink as I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. Unnatural is what you are, my mothers tear filled voice echoed around my mind. I did my best to school my facial expression.
'I'm quite sure there are plenty of men that would allow you to continue your pursuit in nursing, Shelagh has a gob after all. She's quite happily married.' Trixie continued probing. 'Plus, just because you don't want to get married doesn't mean you cant find the gentleman attractive. You can't really expect me to believe that you don't find any of them appealing?'
I looked at Patsy as she smacked her lips, our eyes met. 'I really don't know what to say to you Trixie.'
'All I'm suggesting is maybe you haven't found the right man.' Trixie reasoned, it seemed to me she was oblivious to the discomfort her comments were causing Patsy.
'I don't know about you lot but I'm beginning to feel quite fatigued.' Patsy said abruptly.
'Patsy, you don't have to-' Trixie said, attempting to make amends.
'We can change the-' Barbara said, interrupting Trixie.
I began to pack my things up. Looking at Patsy as I spoke. 'I've had a really lovely night, I don't think your lack of interest in dating is bad or all that uncommon. I know I'm not looking for a gentleman at the moment either.' Patsy gave me a small smile as I stood. I nodded at Trixie before I left. I hope that wasn't too rude, I thought to myself as I walked down the corridor and stairs. I put my bag on the floor and got to work finishing my essay before I went to bed.
Barbara returned to the room just as I was finishing up.
'You didn't have to leave when you did you know. Trixie and Patsy sorted it out.'
'I'd rather not overstay my welcome, plus. I did need to concentrate for this essay.'
'How's your stomach?'
'It's, fine. I'll be okay.' I replied, realizing that my mysterious stomach cramps have seemed to disappear. Maybe it's not that time of the month yet? I thought, brushing off her concern with. 'You know how it is.'
'Yeah, sometimes I wish I was a boy, just a little bit. They don't have to deal with nearly as much blood.' Barbara said, an awkward silence following her comment. 'I'm going for a shower.' Barbara said, gathering her things and leaving the room.