Chapter Text
“I’m here for Noah Porter Benson,” Rafael said as calmly as he possibly could to the nurse in the emergency room.
“Your name sir,”
“Sorry, Rafael Barba. I’m one of his emergency contacts, I was called.” He replied politely as he tried to regulate the panic he felt deep within him.
He had received the call as he got out of a meeting. Noah Benson was taken to emergency at Mercy. Unable to reach parent, Rafael Barba listed as the other next of kin and emergency contact. To say that he was surprised she didn’t strip him of the title and duty would be an understatement, but he would bet his life that it was an admin she just hadn’t gotten to.
That being said. He wouldn’t be anywhere else.
It had been over two years since that last night in Forlini’s.
Over two years since she uttered the words, ‘I miss you too’. He had hoped it would be an opening, however small to a glimmer of an olive branch, but alas it was not. He had attempted to touch base a couple of weeks after that and he was once more met with the familiar silence he had been receiving since Wheatley, if not since Stabler’s return.
To which at that point, he had ceased effort altogether.
Noah was the unspoken non-negotiable. When he left, he had sat down with Noah and explained his absence. It came with a caveat that if he ever need Uncle Rafa, no matter where he was he would jump on the plane and come back. Even at 5 Noah understood the weight of that promise because Uncle Rafa didn’t make promises he couldn’t keep. Whilst he was away Uncle Rafa was the one person he can call, whenever he wants without having to ask for permission, with Mommy’s blessing. He talked to Rafael on FaceTime almost every day. Said arrangement was still in place, long after his return to New York, through and the aftermath of Wheatley. He and Noah had a standing once a week hang which was facilitated by Lucy. He’d meet them at the park, or the library. Some Saturday afternoons he would take Noah to matinee’s knowing how he enjoyed theatre. Sometimes Noah just picked him up from school to take him to dance if Lucy was unable. All contact and arrangements with Noah went through Lucy without argument or protest from Olivia, knowing how beloved Rafael was. Acknowledging that Noah’s bond with Rafael was born from his earliest memories and to rip Rafael away from him because of their own issues was selfish and damaging to Noah. Noah learned quickly that the arrival of Elliot Stabler affected the access to Rafael. Rafael was no longer welcome in their home, or at least when his mother was there and he had been privy to some of the off handed, disparaging comments from Elliot about his favourite uncle. For that, and in general Noah Porter Benson was not a fan.
“Mr Barba, he’s in the examination room with the doctor. Come with me.” She said standing to her feet to take him.
“Is he ok? What happened?”
“He was walking home from school. A little girl in front of their apartment building en route home had dropped their ball and went to run for it. Your young man saw a car coming and pushed the little girl away from the danger but he was clipped.” Rafael’s eyes filled with tears, as they reached Noah.
“Uncle Rafa,” Noah cried out to him. Whilst he may have grown, and almost as tall as Rafael in that moment, he wasn’t the teenage boy who spent a lot of time sassing him, he was Noah, the toddler he met, rocked to sleep and read countless books to.
“Papito!” Rafael replied rushing towards him and gently enveloping him in his arms before giving him a once over. He had a few grazes, but nothing looked like it was broken.
“He was very lucky. The car was able to stop with enough time, just grazing him. He has a few scratches from the landing. We will do x-rays and scans to make sure there’s no internal damage.” The doctor said addressing Rafael. Rafael’s arms tightened a fraction as he dropped his lips to his head.
“You scared the little shit out of me kid. Are you okay?” He asked taking Noah’s face with both hands to look at him more closely. Noah’s eyes began to fill with tears as he saw the tears in Rafael’s.
“I’m okay. I didn’t think. I just,”
“Kid, you are your mother’s son. You were incredibly brave, and I am proud of you. But can you please never do that again.” Rafael said pulling Noah back in his arms hugging him tightly.
“You too cool to be hugged by your favourite uncle?” Rafael asked teasingly as Noah laughed,
“Would it stop you if I said yes?”
“No,”
“I didn’t think so. And no, thank you for coming.”
“Kid, I will always come.” Rafael promised.
“Mr Barba, I believe you’re his emergency contact and you have medical proxy.”
“Yes, we will need you to complete and sign the consent whilst we get him to x-ray.”
“Sure, are you taking him now? I can see how far away his mother is,” he said knowing the Olivia would want to see Noah before he went in for x-rays and scans. Rafael went to call Olivia and it went straight to voicemail. Which he knew meant she was probably somewhere that had no reception like Rikers or in the middle of interrogation.
“Go on ahead. I will keep trying.”
“Honey, you’re going to be okay. I will call Aunt Manda and Uncle Fin, they’ll know where your Mom is.”
“They’re working a really big case. She was going to be in interrogations most of the day which is why Elliot was supposed to pick me up from school, but he never came. I waited for an hour, and I tried to call him and Mom but they didn’t answer so I headed home. I sent them a message to let them know. How much trouble do you think I’m going to be for not waiting?”
“I’d be willing to bet her worry will trump any trouble you may be in for not waiting, but don’t quote me. I’m not the best at reading your Mom these days, but I’m a lawyer so we can plea you out of any grounding.” Noah laughed,
“Thank you Uncle Rafa.”
“Always kid, now go. Hopefully you’re back before your mother gets here,” Rafael replied knowing he would be at the receiving end of whatever emotion Olivia was going to walk in with.
Before calling Rollins he tried her phone again and it went to voicemail so he had left a message this time.
“Captain Benson, Rafael. You would have gotten a call from Mercy Emergency regarding Noah. He’s fine. He has a few scratches. I am here. They called me when they couldn’t reach you. He’s ok. He has gone in for x-rays and scans as a precaution. He’s in good spirits. He’s a little more worried that you’re going to yell at home for heading home after not being picked up. Anyway, I am going to call Rollins and or Fin so they can fill you in before you get the message from the hospital and panic. Come as soon as you can.” Rafael took a deep breath and called Rollins.
“Barba,” she answered. Rafael was grateful that Rollins was back at SVU, she could hopefully convey the message to Olivia calmly.
“Hey, don’t panic.”
“Way to lead a conversation Rafael, what happened.”
“Noah was brought in at emergency. He was clipped by a car. He’s ok. He has scratches and bruises and he is currently being scanned and x-rayed for precaution. I’ve seen him. I’ve talked to him. He’s okay. He mentioned that you guys are in the middle of a big case and Liv was going to be in interrogations all day which is why Elliot was supposed to pick him up. He waited an hour but he was a no show. He tried to contact both Elliot and Liv, but neither picked up so he sent them both a message to let them know he would make his own way home and promised to let them know once he was there safe. En-route a little girl ran after a ball not looking to see that there was a car coming for her. Noah pushed her out of the way and he got clipped. The car was able to stop in time that the impact to him was not as bad as it could have been. Again, he’s okay. A little shaken, but he’s okay. Can you tell her before she listens to her messages from the hospital? I think it would be better to hear it from you. I also left her a message, but I doubt she’d listen to that.”
“Okay, I will go in now. Her phone’s in her office. She’s been in the interrogation room for hours. You doing okay?”
“I managed to put a semblance of a brave face in front of the kid and now that I know he’s okay I am manually putting my heart back in my chest.”
“You did good Barba. Hang tight. Give the kid an extra hug from all of us. We will be there soon.”
Amanda knocked on the door and Olivia looked up. Rollins waved her out of the interrogation room.
“What’s up?” Amanda handed Olivia her jacket, bag and phone.
“We gotta go. Noah was in an accident. He’s okay. He’s in the hospital. I’ll drive you in. Fin is taking over.” Fin dropped his hand on her shoulder, before heading in the room to take her place.
“What kind of accident? Is Elliot with him?” Olivia asked.
“No. When they couldn’t reach you they called Rafael. He’s there with him. He said to reassure you that he has seen Noah. He’s talked to him. He has scratches and bruises but he’s okay. He will stay with him until you get there to make sure he’s not alone.”
“I don’t understand. Elliot was supposed to pick him up from school.” Amanda let out a breath and gave her the recap as she drove to the hospital. Olivia looked at her phone and saw the numerous missed calls from Noah, the hospital and Rafael. She read the messages from Noah asking her what he should do and after an hour of waiting, he sent another to say that he was going to head home because there was no one at the school anymore and it was getting creepy. He promised to let her know as soon as he got home. She listened to the voicemail messages, from the hospital and finally Rafael’s.
“Captain Benson, Rafael…” despite the formality he knew exactly what to say to reassure her. She hadn’t seen nor heard from him since his last attempt of communication after that night at Forlini’s. She knew he was leaving the ball in her court. Two years later, she had yet to make contact.
“Rafael,” Rafael looked up from the paperwork he was completing to see Olivia and Amanda headed towards him.
“Where is he?”
“He’s still in x-ray/scans. I asked if they could wait for you but they didn’t want to delay in case there was internal bleeding. He’s fine though. They just want to rule it out. He has a few scratches and some bruising. He’s a little shaken. He’ll be relieved to see you. I’ve finished the paperwork, but if you want to do a once over before I drop it back to the nurse,” he offered as she shook her head. Rafael gave her a polite nod and headed out of the room to return the clipboard to the nurse. Just as he made it to the door she grabbed his hand,
“Thank you.” She said sincerely.
“Of course.” He replied before leaving them.
A few minutes later Noah was brought back into the room, the nurse advised Olivia that the doctor will be in shortly with the results.
“Mom,” Noah said happy to see her as she rushed over to him to take him into her arms.
“Baby, are you okay?”
“I’m fine Mom. I promise.” She held his face, much like Rafael did earlier to inspect him.
“Uncle Rafa’s already done the once over, like repeatedly.” Noah assured her.
“Hi Aunt Manda,” Noah greeted flashing a smile at his pseudo aunt.
“Hey buddy, good to see you in one piece.” Noah glanced up at his mother,
“How mad at you that I started walking home. Am I going to need legal representation?” Noah asked making her both Amanda and Olivia laugh. Olivia pulled him into her arms once more.
“Well your legal representation is currently filing your paperwork, but luckily for you, you won’t need one.” She replied kissing him on the forehead. The doctor had come in a little while later to advise that all scans and x-rays was clear. Noah would more than likely be sporting bruises for a few days, but he will make a full recovery to all their relief. The doctor was signing him out within the hour.
“They’d like for you to sign something,” Rafael said as he came in. Olivia dropped another kiss to Noah’s head and nodded.
“Hey Kid, you’re in good hands. The doc mentioned he’s signing you out of here. I’m sure you can sweet talk your Aunt Manda in picking up pizza and ice cream on your way home. Drop me a text tonight before you sleep and we’ll pretend you’re 5 and I’ll force you to listen to me read you the Gruffalo.” Noah grinned, the Gruffalo was his favourite bedtime book.
“You’re leaving?” Amanda asked, as Rafael and Noah exchanged a somewhat understanding look.
“Yeah.” He answered without further explanation knowing Noah didn’t need one. He was limiting fall out.
Rafael dropped a kiss to Noah’s head.
“Thank you Uncle Rafa. I love you.”
“I love you too Papito. Do me a favour, the next time no one comes to pick you up. You call me. You call Aunt Manda. Lucy, anyone and everyone in your favourites list before you start walking home. Don’t wait an hour, you wait 15 and then you start calling. You hear?” Noah nodded.
“Let me know if you need anything.” Noah fiercely hugged his godfather before reluctantly letting him go. Rafael slipped out before Olivia returned to Noah’s room.
Olivia clocked Rafael’s absence immediately, she looked at Amanda who confirmed that he had left with a nod. She looked down at her phone, wanting to call him to come back, but she didn’t know where to even begin.
“You’ve been signed off sweet boy, you ready to head home?” Noah nodded.
“My legal representation suggested I sweet talk Aunt Manda to pizza and ice cream.” Noah said cheekily,
“Well let’s be real, if you couldn’t get it past me or Aunt Manda your legal representation would be sending ubereats your way.” Olivia replied dryly whilst Noah grinned knowingly.
By the time they arrived at the Benson’s Sonny was waiting there with the girls, pizza and ice cream. Uncle Fin came a little later. They were winding down when Elliot knocked on the door.
“Hey, there’s a party?” he asked oblivious.
“Wanted to check to make sure Noah got home okay.” Silence filled the room. Noah was in the shower after being sent there after yawning, his pain meds kicking in.
“We will go on ahead Liv,” Sonny said gathering the girls.
“Me too.” Fin piped in standing up.
“I’m going to check on Noah, make sure he doesn’t need help with anything and I’ll follow.” Amanda said giving Olivia a look as if to say she was staying for as long as she needed to. Olivia knew she would usher and keep Noah in his room until Elliot had left.
“Why would Noah need help?” Elliot asked confused. Fin and Sonny let themselves out quietly before Olivia began,
“Where were you Elliot? You were supposed to pick up Noah.”
“I got stuck in a meeting. I was running late. He sent me a message to say he was going to walk home. He’s thirteen, I thought it wouldn’t be a bad thing. He wanted to be more independent.”
“That’s not the point Elliot, you committed to picking him up. If you weren’t going to, you should have told me, or Fin, least of all you should have called Noah. If I was comfortable with allowing my child to walk home alone, I wouldn’t have entrusted him with you. Had I known, you weren’t going to take that seriously, I wouldn’t have.”
“Liv, you can’t baby him forever. He’s fine!”
“Is he? Because I had to pick him up from the emergency room at Mercy this afternoon. They couldn’t reach me because my phone was in my office because I thought I didn’t have to worry about my child because you said you were going to pick him up.” The blood drained from Elliot’s face.
“Is he okay?”
“No thanks to you.”
“That’s not fair.”
“What’s not fair is that he had to sit in emergency on his own because I couldn’t be reached. Thankfully, his other emergency contact picked up the phone, dropped everything to get to him. What if they didn’t? What if they weren’t able to? What if it was worse? Do you have any idea what it feels like to know you entrusted your child to someone who didn’t care?”
“I care Liv,”
“Obviously not enough. That little boy may not be little anymore, but he is my whole heart and my world and you thought it was okay to let him to make his way home because you were running late and he said he would get himself home.”
“Liv,” Elliot pleaded,
“I need you to go. I can’t even look at you right now.”
“Liv,”
“Go.” Elliot knew there was no talking to her, and he hoped giving her time would lessen the fury emanating from her.
“Okay. I’m sorry Liv.” Olivia didn’t say a word and just opened her door and closed it behind him.
Olivia took a few moments to gather herself. She cleaned up and put dishes in the dishwasher and placed the leftover pizza slices in the fridge. As she approached Noah’s room she could hear Rafael’s voice reading the familiar pages of Gruffalo transporting her back to a lifetime ago. When Noah begged Rafael to read Gruffalo to him every night he was there because he did the best voices. Listening to him read Noah’s favourite childhood book and hearing the different voices he had created for each character was like visiting old friends and her heart hurt for the loss of their friendship, which he knew she was mostly responsible for. She knocked as she heard the last lines of the book.
“Time for Mom to tuck you in bud. I’ll let you go.” Rafael said hearing her knock,
“Oh, and tell Aunt Manda she drooled on her arm.” He added teasingly as Amanda yawned.
“Shut up Barba.” She retorted.
“Night Uncle Rafa. Thank you for today. I love you.”
“Always Kid. Sweet dreams. I love you. I’m glad you’re okay.”
“You don’t have to go,” Liv said, all those present knew that was the nicest thing she had said to him in years.
“Yeah I do. You should get some time with him before he passes out.” He replied not looking at her before hanging up from Facetime on the iPad.
Amanda stood to her feet and dropped a kiss on Noah’s head and gave Olivia’s arm a squeeze,
“I’ll let myself out. You two cuddle.” Olivia gave Amanda a grateful hug before joining Noah on his bed.
It wasn’t long before Noah slipped into deep slumber. She knew that his wounds were superficial but he would be sore the days to follow. He would be staying home for at least a couple of days and she had taken leave to be with him. She knew how much worse it could have been and she was angry at Elliot for gambling with his safety.
She took a long hot shower and as she sat in her robe she stared at her phone wanting nothing more than to talk to her friend. Biting the bullet, she dialled his number. Rafael stared at his phone as her name popped up on his phone for the first time in years.
“When you’re done feeling betrayed by me, I’ll be here.” He heard himself say. Despite how much he wanted to ignore her call, he gave his word.
“Barba,” he answered.
“Rafa,” she said softly, her voice cracking. Rafael took a deep breath,
“He’s okay Olivia. He’s lying in front of you breathing. He’s a little scratched and bruised, but he is alive. He is in good spirits and he is beautiful. He saw a little girl and his instinct was to protect her without a thought to himself. He’s brave. He is all the best parts of you and he is alive. Hug him a little tighter. Hold him until he feels real and let your heart settle in his presence. He’s going to be okay.”
“Rafa, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t Olivia. Not because of this.” He said pained.
“For three and a half years you couldn’t bring yourself to answer one call, one text. Because I betrayed you. Over ten years of friendship equated to nothing the moment the prodigal son returned offering you nothing. I take on Wheatley’s case and without hearing me you came at me with anger and betrayal. You willingly ended this friendship born from a betrayal you felt on behalf of someone else like we shared nothing. Like we didn’t have a decade. Our friendship meant everything to me. I believed in it. What a fool I was in the end, because it amounted to absolutely nothing.”
“I meant what I said, I will be here but you and I both know the only reason why you called me is because currently my betrayal is being overshadowed by another. We all know that will eventually pass for you and I am just not really up for falling back into a false sense of security only to have the rug ripped from underneath me. It’s not fair. It’s taken some time for Noah and I to get used to the new dynamics. That Team Mom, Noah and Uncle Rafa was team no more. It took some time, but we got there. Noah may not be mine, but that little boy has my whole heart. He has from the moment you made me hold him that first time and I held him like a ticking time bomb. The fact that you would entrust him with Elliot to pick him up from his half-brother’s place after sending him away after both of your lives were endangered, that you would have Elliot pick him up from school when you’re in a bind without a consideration of me who is with him at least once a week. Who talks to him every day. Watch his every recital. Work on his homework with him. Who read to him and now with him. How that counted for absolutely nothing, simply because you felt betrayed by me. We both know that only reason why I am still an emergency contact is because of an admin oversight. Had you been contactable, you wouldn’t have bothered to call me.”
“Oh Rafa,” Olivia cried, her heart filled with sorrow.
“It’s not nothing.”
“Depends on where you’ve been sitting for almost four years.”
“I want to fix this,”
“Why? What for? Why now? You and I both know if today hadn’t happened you would never had looked back. While not a day has gone by since we met that I have not thought of you, you’ve managed to erase me so easily. Don’t let guilt conjure up ghosts you have long since banished from your life. I’ve meant nothing to you for years, don’t pretend I do now because you’re grateful I answered the phone. It’s Noah. I will always answer the phone because of and for Noah.”
“I am sorry Rafael.”
“Apology accepted.” He replied solemnly and sincerely.
“Good night Olivia.” He said before hanging up the phone leaving her to her thoughts and seeing the last few years through different lenses.
She was reminded of who Rafael Barba was, whose humanity she never doubted. The friend who held her hand in the hospital in vigil after Lewis. Who was on the other side of the phone when she woke up from a night terror. Who was on her couch when Brian was undercover feigning tiredness and inability to get himself home just so she wouldn’t be alone. Her friend who despite his initial fear of children embraced his role as Uncle Rafa, reading to Noah on the nights he was at her place, who built legos with him, who took him to the park on the Saturday’s she was working and he wasn’t. Who during the pandemic and their separation kept in touch, sent funny random things that would keep them entertained during lock down. Who watched the same movies from different parts of the country to lessen the distance they felt. Whilst he left, he never disappeared.
When he came back, she was guarded and ultimately, he paid the price for the original sin committed by Elliot who was never asked to pay. The fact that she zoned in on his taking Wheatley on as betrayal without listening to reason, made her stomach bottom. For the first time, she saw that she abandoned their friendship like it didn’t matter. Everything he had said, was accurate and it made her feel physically ill. Her betrayal far outweighed what she perceived to be his.