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it’s a soft saturday morning where the rays of sunlight are just peeking above the horizon and tasting the cold hard steel of city buildings. it’s picturesque, unique and beautiful in just the way classic city folk like it. typically when he’s awake at this time, wonho takes a moment from the studio or dance room to watch the final minutes of sunrise. the sight revives him, gives him energy and motivation to keep at his work and studies.
on this particular morning, he’s not alone on the steps outside the building, a human shape huddled on the stairs down below, hoodie up and scarf bundled around his neck. by the sign of the scarf wonho assumes it’s minhyuk or hyungwon and settles on hyungwon by estimation of height. (also, he knows hyungwon’s silhouette pretty well so the prospect of minhyuk was already incredibly low.)
hyungwon is silent when wonho comes to sit next to him. the younger man is wearing a black mask across his face, the shadow of the snapback casting over his eyes, the hoodie hiding whatever else the cap doesn’t. he’s bundled up again himself and it’s cute, arms wrapped around his bent long legs, gray sweats loose against his thighs, slippers soft against his feet. wonho feels the urge to lean his head against hyungwon’s scarfed-up shoulder but he holds back and simply lets out a loose sigh.
“hyung, do you ever,” the brunette starts, his voice rough with sleep and wonho suddenly wants to pick him up and take him back to the dorms and force him to sleep more, “do you ever wonder if you were played?”
“played?” questions wonho, tilting his head slightly with his response. hyungwon looks up at the sky, neck bare and exposed, eyes closed and waiting. even though wonho can’t see his mouth, he knows the youngest vocalist is frowning.
“sometimes, i come out here after practicing my dancing,” hyungwon brings his head back down and stares at his feet, “and i watch the new day begin and i can’t help but wonder if i’ve been played, tricked and shoved around.”
wonho feels his throat constrict. “hyungwon-ah,”
“i don’t regret participating in the show, i don’t regret going into music instead of acting, i don’t regret any of it because otherwise i wouldn’t be here, monsta x wouldn’t exist, i wouldn’t have a second family like i do now, i wouldn’t have discovered so much about myself, but sometimes i just wonder how much of a piece in the games i am.”
“it depends on what game you’re playing.”
that pulls hyungwon’s eyes to wonho. his eyes are beautiful, dark and curling with meaning, something wonho can’t quite decipher but he knows he’s seen the look before, just not on hyungwon. it does something to the pit of his stomach and it’s not a good something. hyungwon lets his eyes droop before he returns his gaze to his slippers. “what game are you playing, wonho-hyung?”
“the one i created for myself,” he replies honestly, putting a hand on hyungwon’s shoulder. “i consider it DLC for the game of life, anyone else can download it and include me in their version of life but i make the rules, i create the system, because if i don’t have rules or plans for myself and the way i interact with others, then i’m nothing more than an empty being forever in a state of perpetual nothingness and that’s no fun.”
“it’s too early in the morning for this, namjoon-hyung,” wonho lightly smacks hyungwon’s shoulder and hyungwon turns to him. he has a shy look on his face, teeth biting lightly at his plump bottom lip. “do you have my DLC, hyung?”
wonho smiles at his soft voice. “of course i do. i wouldn’t have it any other way. and look, if you think you’re a piece in someone’s game, make it your game, your own version of life and add on all the DLC you believe will make life even more exciting. i should definitely be included otherwise what’s the point.”
hyungwon laughs at wonho and closes his eyes as he turns back to the risen sun. “i guess i sort of don’t know what’s next for me. what happens when all the levels of this idol DLC have been played?”
“you pick up a new DLC, i mean, you want to be an actor. you can be a choreographer even. or you can go traveling and get a nice wife and—“
“speaking of wives,” hyungwon gives wonho a sly look from under the cap and wonho suddenly feels this interrogation take a turn. “you don’t need one, huh.”
“like i said, my brother exists,” the elder vocalist crosses his arms with slight annoyance. “and what does it matter to you whether i want to marry later in life or not.”
“you’re my friend, practically my brother, why wouldn’t i care? i want the best for you, hyung, like all my other hyungs and dongsaes in monsta x.”
wonho snaps back. “and do you truly think having a wife is the best for me?”
“no, i don’t mean it like it’s an end-all-be-all, just,” hyungwon sighs heavily, “i guess i just wanted to double check that you weren’t gonna use someone to cover up.”
there’s a tightness in wonho’s chest and he grits his teeth in slight embarrassment but more so with irritation. “we don’t talk about that, hyungwon.”
“talk about what,” wonho is tempted to smack him upside his head for being a smart ass. “i just want the best for you, hyung.”
“and i want the best for you. don’t worry about being a pawn, you’re not. you’re not just a ploy. you’re the main character of your own game, the best friend in 6 other people’s games, the cru—“ he cuts himself off before he continues but doesn’t miss the hot pink that strikes hyungwon’s cheeks. “you get my point.”
“i’m sorry, hyung.”
“don’t apologise for something you can’t control, hyungwon-ah, that only makes it worse than it is.”
“i still think about it.”
a lump forms in wonho’s throat and he coughs loudly before standing up. “let’s go inside, it’s getting cold and my fingers are going to turn into icicles at this rate.”
“is it bad that i want it again?”
hyungwon’s eyes are light and curious now, so different from the darkness full of self-meaning wonho remembered seeing before. he had seen that look on his own face, a look of struggle, the struggle of figuring out who one is and what they are in life. this look though is different, it’s cute and wonho wants to sock both himself and hyungwon in the face repeatedly. “it’s not bad, but it’s probably just hormones, we’re all still growing boys.”
“but,” hyungwon looks down as if in though, tongue darting out to lick at dry lips before he returns his gaze to wonho, “it’s not just that moment that i want to experience again…you can upgrade DLC, right?”
and wonho chokes on air and his tongue because yes, DLC can have upgrades but this, this that they have between them shouldn’t be upgraded at all. it was already a mistake when wonho let his actions precede his thought and caused a riff that only recently has been overcome. if this upgrade destroys so many other DLC packages wonho has in his life, it won’t be worth it. or would it? he doesn’t know and he doesn’t want to find out.
“not this hyungwon, never this.”
“wonho-hyung,” hyungwon stands up too and wonho suddenly feels incredibly small and vulnerable and his emotions are starting to get to him, it’s really too early for this and he’s so tired. “i don’t want you to be forever alone.”
“so you want to upgrade this,” he motions between himself and the taller man, “to a pity hookup then? the keep-wonho-from-being-lonely 2016 update?”
hyungwon’s eyes flash with anger and his slight dialect comes out in his heated speech. “you think i’d treat you so low as to fake my sexuality so i can pity how much you love me?”
“don’t say that word!”
“then don’t claim what i say about you to be an act of pity. i meant what i said, i’m not faking this.”
wonho takes a second to truly comprehend hyungwon’s words. “what are you trying to say. be explicit with me, drop the DLC metaphors and spill it.”
“look, forget it,” hyungwon adjusts his hoodie with a slight snarl. “i’m going back to the practice room. if kyunnie-ah is looking for me, tell him i’ll be there. if anyone else asks, just tell them i went on a walk.”
“why changkyun?”
“because he knows what you’re too dense to notice, hyung.”
with that, hyungwon leaves wonho on the steps of the building, leaving only the ring of his words in wonho’s head as a marker of his presence.
it’s a soft saturday morning where the rays of sunlight are piercing the sky and the orange halo glow around the sun is dissipating. it’s picturesque, unique and beautiful in just the way classic city folk like it. typically when he’s awake at this time, wonho takes a moment from the studio or dance room to watch the final minutes of sunrise. the sight revives him, gives him energy and motivation to keep at his work and studies.
on this particular morning, wonho is drained, confused, and conflicted between putting hope into something he wants and reading too much into a possibility he’s mustered. so he does nothing about it and goes on as if the latter part of their conversation never happened though it lingers in his mind, thoughts of upgrade and hyungwon’s desires.
it’s a few weeks later when wonho trudges into the dance practice room late one night half awake but unable to sleep and catches changkyun in hyungwon's lap, hyungwon's fingers dancing through the younger's hair with a look of affection wonho had never seen before that everything really begins to click for wonho.
and it’s a good click. it means he’s not alone. it means there more to people than he thinks and it’s a scary notion, but comforting as well.
so he stands outside the slightly parted door and tries not to let his emotions get to him when changkyun mutters something along the lines of caring intense affection for hyungwon and hyungwon reciprocates and wonho knows if he had asked again he could probably be in that position right now. and he wouldn’t be stuck here with apparent unreciprocated feelings watching the guy he fell too hard for confess his feelings to another guy.
wonho smiles though as he walks silently away, suddenly drained emotionally enough to sleep. he's happy though, happy for hyungwon. sometimes the way someone want to play the game isn't the way they should. it's just unfortunate that wonho's trepidation pushed hyungwon away.
then again, wonho thought as he closed his eyes, the memory of hyungwon's lips on his own seeping into his every being, maybe he pushed hyungwon toward something instead of away from him.
wonho can accept that as hard as it may be to do so because part of love is wanting happiness for the other person, right?