Archive of Our Own

I think there’s is nothing worse that looking bad in front of a pretty women. I think there is: looking bad in front a pretty, smart and important women. My hair was a mess, with loose threads in my head, my uniform beret’s fault, my uniform which was also super wrinkled. My cheekies was also so red because of the warm that i take to come over here. 

The things it is that i worked all night and half of the morning, before i get the calling. So i just run and take the subway and come straight to the school. The warm and the sweat in the streets and the station it’s normal, more if you’re running, not just walking. I though it was an emergency. Well…It is in fact, depends if your child was the bitten one or not. 

— That’s why we resolved to call you here. Do you understand what is that about, miss Pattranite? 

I blinked. I didn’t understand a word. I was concerned more to look presentable, fixing some of my hair, meanwhile the director was not looking at me. Walking to her chair in the table. The way i am looking like, she’s must thinking that i am a terrible mother, who can’t raise her own child. 

Damm. She was so pretty and impressive that was hypnotized for a while when she sat. Should be a crime looking that nice. 

— I am, i’m sorry, i was so stressful in the phone that i didn’t understand much. I just came running… — I opened a frágil smile. 

Focus Love. You’re a mom here. Be serious. 

— It’s okay. I understand. Im going to be very honest with you, Miss Pattranite, N’Sun it’s having some uncommon behavior. She used to be a calm and loving girl, we aren’t understand what is happened to her. It’s a little difficult to follow. Can you tell if there is something affecting her? Some big changes or anything? 

— I don’t know, i really don’t know. The school is kinda something new to her… But as you know, she’s a great child. This is the first time since she started here, two months ago, that i am called. 

— Listen to me, Miss Pattranite, it’s normal kids has some behavior, It is very common to have all these behaviors in daycare centers, in environments with children who are still learning and who cannot communicate, but when certain behaviors persist, and other unusual behaviors appear, it is our duty to be concerned, you know? 

I just nod my head in affirmation. It’s impossible to me not feel shame, looks like it’s all my fault. I can’t not think that I am terrible. The position was not helping, it looked like I was a child being lectured.

— So i called you here to forward you to a multidisciplinary team, with a child therapist, speech therapist, pediatrician, i think all this group of professionals will help us to understand and help her, also he can develop skills,mostly in the talk. I honestly think it’s her time. Do you understand the importance of that professional support for him, Miss Pattranite? I honestly don’t want to scare you. 

I think for a while. Of course i understand and support this, i just don’t think my money understand that. 

— Yes, i got it, I understand. I just don’t think that we’re… 

— Don’t worry, the school has this support service. I call you just so you know, and because I wanted to meet you. I have known your sister, but i never met you before. And also, your participation, the participation of the family in all this process, in unity with the school, it’s important. I just wanted you to know that your participation and presence is necessary. 

— Yeah, of course, hm… I'm going to try to do more of this, it’s just… i have a timeline kinda confuse of work, that’s why you see more of my little sister here. 

— Are just you three at home? 

— Yeah, just the three of us. 

She was being so professional, and i was cutting the back of my mind creating thing with us. thinking that we’re was in a first date. Well, kinda it is. But this is professional. Love, stop making this… it’s just, it’s a good idea, and she looks so smart. Imagine dating someone with knowledge on how to be a good parent, since you’re so lost… 

She nodded her hair while was playing with a pen in her table. 

— What are your occupation right now, Ms Pattranite? 

— I am a full time chambermaid in a hotel. 

— How does it work in your job? How are your hours? 

— I usually do nights and mornings, and extras, like 48 hours for month. When I am free, Sun is here. Actually, it has been like three weeks that i’m didn’t have a all day free. 

— Maybe we can help with documentation to your boss. 

— No. No. It 's okay.,, —  I need to be a better mother — I'll talk with him. And I'll be here more Miss… Sorry, I don't know your name. 

At this point, we had already gotten up, and she was ready to shake my hand, as if we had closed a deal, as if we were really getting to know each other privately...

— Pansa, Pansa Vosbein. 

She has the same first letter of the name as mine. We’re going to be like PP. Perfect. 

Looks like the name of the love of my life. 

— I promise I'll be here more, Miss Vosbein. 

I'm really terrible. 

— Pansa. — she says, she’s in front of me and smiles educated. 

— Miss Pansa. Ok. 

— And I hope to see you more times, Miss Pattranite. We will call you or to miss Bonnie to inform you about the next process and what we’ve talked. 

— Ok. Can I see her for a while now? 

Mrs Pansa opened her smile, with teeth showing, eyes closing a little, like a moon. Wow. 

— Sure. I knowed you would say that, and I think Sun will love it. 

My girl was so quiet sitting on a cloth on the floor of a room, meanwhile a teacher was presenting a very big book of stickers, telling a story. I almost cried. Looking at Sun was always reminding me of the reason I was living. 

I have never been lucky in my life. Neither Bonnie. We lost our parents when we were kids, I was fourteen and Bonnie eleven. Then our sick grandmother came to take care of us. She was the only person we had, as was she. Grandma had a lung disease that was slowly killing her, though she never showed any signs of weakness. We didn’t know it at the beginning. Although we had government assistance, with her pension, I decided to start working early to help out at home, whether it was selling brownies at school or serving at a Japanese restaurant.

Grandma sold her own house to pay off debts and invest in my university studies which would begin next. Grandma died just a few days after I started the uni. 

It was the worst time of my life. 

As the days went by, I got worse and worse. I didn't know what I was doing. I still didn't know, even though I told Grandma she could go in peace, that I would take care of Bonnie and handle everything. I lied. It was a very dark period, which, in addition to mourning, also  brought about a horrible confusion of identity.

I made friends with some strange people, who took me to strange places, I drank a lot, and I tried things I shouldn't have... I think that's why Bonnie also had a late adolescence. She didn't deserve it; she was only fifteen.

Something in me knows that I liked women at the time. But, I had to be sure. So, luckily, the first man that I lay down with, made me get pregnant. So lucky, isn't it? It was at a party with strangers. He was pretty, but I let myself do too much. 

I am sure of what I am right now, but I could have done something different to prove. 

I think the sun is the best thing that happened to me though. I think I regret that night, that time, but I'll never regret having her. 

After all that, it is always the tree of us. Love, Bonnie and Sun. 

I had to abandon my studies to work, to raise Bonnie and Sun. While I was working, Bonnie was taking care of Sun, but this year Bonnie started university, and then we had to put Sun in preschool. We didn’t have any problems. Until now. 

— Shit. All that? She just bit another kid, probably the kid deserved — Bonnie said when I told her what happened, she was on her little table in the living room, sitting kinda weird with her laptop, probably studying. — And you pay enough to have that support, guess that’s expected to a rich school. 

— Do you think there's something wrong with Sun? — I just came into our house, after job. 

— I don’t think it’s something wrong with Sun, P’Love. But I'm sure there's something wrong with you. You know, all problems that a kid has it's the fathers.

— Very comforting, thank you. 

— kidding. I think it’s normal that, from the school, to be worried, it’s like a check up, you know? — I murmur in affirmation thinking that’s all that she has to say, but then she stops all that she’s doing and looks at me — But, P’Love…  To be very honest, you really have to be more present. You’re the mom. — Ok. She’s talking seriously right now. 

I sigh deeply. Even my little sister makes me feel embarrassed with myself. 

— I know.  

I throw myself on the sofa, exhausted. I had to go back to work, after the school. 

— See, you said before that I should focus on my studies and just study. But I think we can make it better together. So you don’t get so overwhelmed, and can focus on yourself, on your own thing and also have more time to Sun. I can work and study, we both do part time jobs. It might work. 

I continued to sigh, thinking a little, taking my shoes off my feet.

— You had said that you wouldn't stay in this job for long, that it was temporary, that you would then go back to studying and look for something you like, or something better and more stable.

— Well, the temporary was at least until Sun had five…

— Really? I think you are comfortable and don't want to get out of it.

— Oh. Stop saying that stupid shit cliche and smart, I'm older than you. — I got mad, Bonnie started to laugh. — I’ll just talk with my boss. 

— I’ll find a job. 

Sigh. 

— Fine. 

This time I wasn't looking bad at all. Not gonna lie, I was hot as hell. With the best social formal clothes that I have in my closet. Now I'm looking like a decent and elegant woman, and a serious mother. 

Well, it’s my first day of a new chronogram of hours in my work. After my mandatory work hours in the morning, I spent the afternoon looking for a new job, something closer to the administrative area, since I did a few months of administration, not that it counts. That’s why I'm so well dressed. It’s not because I'm waiting to find a pretty woman who is the coordinator of the children's sector of the school that I'm picking my child. Of course. 

I check my appearance one last time on the bus that stops on the street near the school, before I enter the school. Earlier than Sun's usual get out. 

I was well received by the secretary of the children’s sector of the school called Khun Pam. The school is really big, a big build, and covers all levels of education, except the superior one. But the part of the preschool is very unique and separated from the rest of the build, It's very distinctive and easy to identify, with its organization and decor specifically for children under five, very colorful and decorated. Even the teaching staff and assistants have colorful and fun uniforms and clothing. 

— After lunch time they used to have a nap, but there are always these kids that can’t sleep, at least not in the time, and we take them to our intern playground, there is relaxing music and some toys. Sun is there. Our principal loves to be there too, helping the assistants. She just loves kids, and the kids love her. Sun does not go with everyone. But she loves Pansa… — Pam told me meanwhile we’re going to the playground of the interior area.

When we came there, the room was full of little kids, playing. But, my eyes were focused only on something. The principal, Pansa. was playing with Sun, in her arms, they both had great smiles on their faces. I got stuck. The scene was so beautiful that they looked like mom and daughter. No joke here. I felt a little jealous also, because I guess it’s been a long time since the Sun didn't laugh with me… I wish I could look like that with my own daughter. I felt kinda bad. Sun really isn’t a kid that goes with everyone, different from me, she’s very shy, and then for me to see that was impressive. But it's good that my daughter has good taste and is selective about who she likes. She's better than me. 

This time I guess we both get right. 

I continued watching them briefly until an assistant touched the principal, who looked directly at me. She smiled. My stomach churned. Playing with Sun, still in her arms, and with other older children following her and trying to get her attention, she came close to the door where I was.

I smiled broadly at Sun, touching her hair. At that moment she became quiet and began to play with the collar of the principal's shirt.

— Good afternoon, Miss Pattranite. How are you? Good to see you again.

I had to fight against my delusional thoughts.

— Good. Everything's great! I started a new schedule today.

Pansa smiled and briefly and discreetly looked her up and down. Love appreciated the gesture, aware that it wasn't anything ulterior.

— You're quite adored — , she said, pointing to the children who insisted on trying to get her attention.

— Indeed,— Pansa laughed, quickly playing with one of them. — Did you come to get this little one? — She quickly tickled Sun, who moved, laughing, but soon returned her hands to Vosbein's collar.

— Yes, I'm leaving early to spend more time with her. Come on, my love… With Mommy… — Love extended her arm to Sun, and Pansa also moved to facilitate the act.

But Sun didn't move; she gripped her arms and clung to the principal's neck, her legs too. Like a little monkey.

My heart ached a little, but I pretended not to care. Pansa let out a polite little laugh.

— Ooh. Looks like someone doesn't want to go home now. — She said in a sweet, playful voice — Come on, Sun, your mother wants to spend some time with you. — She touched the child's small hands and almost tried to open them.

Yes, she clung even tighter. Then, the crying began. I stared at Pansa for a second and then turned to the child, who began to cry copiously. Worried. I didn't understand…

— My love. What happened? It's Mommy. It's me. We're just going home… — I whispered to Sun, with all the tenderness I could muster as a mother.

Pansa, beside me, delegated the task she was previously responsible for to one of the other caregivers and then said to us:

— Come on, I'll carry her to the gate.

And so we went. I tried to reassure Sun in every way, talking softly and caressing her, her dark hair and her little face. A painful cry that hurt. I tried not to be bothered that my own daughter didn't want to be held by me. Halfway there, she calmed down and I continued stroking her back until we reached the gate.

— What do you think happened? — I asked Pansa softly.

— Maybe she just doesn't want to leave now. Children need some preparation sometimes. Some advance notice. She hasn't seen anyone else leaving, and she's used to it. It's a surprise, but it's part of it. It's normal.

But what child wouldn't be happy with their mother coming to pick them up? I would run out.

— Come on, princess. Time to go with Mommy… You'll be back here soon, — Pansa said preparedly, firmly, but still gently, slowly moving Sun away from her.

The crying returned copiously. Not only the crying but also the tantrum, struggling to avoid coming to my lap. I was astonished.

— Sun! Sun! What is this, my love? What happened? — I asked directly to her, who continued to cry and struggle.

Finally, Pansa managed to support her in my lap. Yes, she continued to cry and rage. I was desperate.

— It hurts. Sorry…But I have to go back to work…— Pansa said, she seemed upset by the situation. — She'll be fine. She just needs a little time to adjust. Talk to her. — I just nodded — See you later, Miss Pattranite!

— See you! — I said, watching her walk away.

Sun continued to cry in my lap. She cried the whole way home until she got tired and fell asleep.

I couldn't understand. Was she feeling something? God. I'm a terrible mother.

When I gave her a bath, she mumbled complaints that only a child with a unique language could understand. She was angry. She even bit me.

— She what? — Bonnie laughed, putting a spoonful of food in her mouth as soon as she arrived.

The girl arrived with the hunger of a rhinoceros when she came back from college.

— Don't laugh. This is serious. Sun isn't like this. Now she's doing this biting thing…

— Sorry. She must have been very angry with you for doing that. Who told you to keep her away from the pretty principal?

— Pretty?! — Love questioned, shocked.

— Oh. So you noticed too,— Bonnie teased. Love swallowed.

— Hmm. Of course, she really is.

— Relax, it must just be a phase.

It wasn't just a phase. In fact, it seemed like the more I picked Sun up from school, the more she cried and the angrier she seemed. It seemed like she wanted to live at the daycare. It was disheartening and heartbreaking.

That day I had to pick Sun up later than I was going to because I had to work overtime and Bonnie, who was usually there to pick her up, couldn't. We were the last ones to leave the daycare building that afternoon.

I was so, so tired and to make matters worse, It was raining. We were under a bus stop that barely protected us from the rain. Actually, Sun was protected, thanks to me.

— Sun, Mommy can't understand or help you if you just cry. Can you point to what you want? Or if it hurts somewhere? But there are things I can't do, honey. School's already closed and Aunt Bonnie couldn't pick you up today. — I tried to calm my daughter in my lap.

That's when a black car stopped beside us, its hazard lights flashing. This again, it had to be a man trying to drive me crazy, or we were both going to be kidnapped. The window rolled down and then I saw her. It was a pretty principal. I almost died of embarrassment. It was the second time she'd seen me in such a catastrophic state. My hair was half wet and messy.

— Want to get out of the rain? — she smiled, and that smile seemed like it would cure all my problems of the day. — I can give you a ride, Ms. Pattranite, —  she said, already unlocking the door. — Get in! I just don't have a baby car seat… You'll have to protect her. But I promise to drive very carefully.

I promptly did so, without thinking much, putting on my seatbelt and Sun's. 

It wasn't illegal, right? Not the baby car seat, but get a ride with the principal.  She quickly rolled up the windows and pressed a button to start warm air circulating in the small space. As soon as Sun saw her, she started smiling and wanting to go to her lap.

— Hi little angel — Pansa stroked her cheeks and Sun almost melted, moving to go to her lap while I held her — Stay with mommy, auntie needs to drive — and then she moved the steering wheel masterfully.

Wow.

I didn't know what to do, or where to look, so we just continued in a common silence, filled with the light rain that the car muffled outside.

— Where exactly do you live? — The principal asked softly.

— Oh. You don't need to leave us there, it's far. You can just drop us off at the metro station, it's easier.

— I insist, no problem.

— But…

— Seriously, Ms. Pattranite — She turned and gave a small smile.

I couldn't resist, I just let her. Indicating where we lived.

— And how is Sun's follow-up going? I've had some feedback from the professionals, after all there are many children. But how has it been with her?

— Oh. Sun has loved it, it was a little difficult in the first sessions with the change of routine, but she adapted easily. She loves all the aunts, she got along very well — Lately it seems she only doesn't like her mother. — She loves the speech therapist, she's the one she's had the most sessions with at the moment.

— Great. It's all a matter of time and adaptation. — She ran her hand through Sun's hair, who was starting to doze off.

She was so professional, all her words and all her actions reflected that. It was admirable. Was it so bad to feel what I was feeling for her? An attraction. She was so beautiful.

I took the opportunity to admire her while she drove attentively, wearing a red floral dress and sandals. Her hair was very dark black and loose, almost curly. She didn't seem that much older than me, or older than she should be for the position she held. It was beautiful to watch the passion she had for the children and her work. I hadn't seen her earlier when I went to pick up Sun. Or for a few days.

While I felt countless internal emotions with her beside me driving, she was calm beside me, completely unaware of everything I felt. It was a little suffocating. While I wanted to shout how beautiful she was, I wanted to propose to her.

It was pathetic. Almost like a fan-idol thing.

She dropped us off at home and just smiled with a wave, completely unaware of what she was causing me. Bonnie arrived just in time. Right next to us. Observing my dumbfounded expression. It had stopped raining. The daycare was about a twenty-minute drive away.

— Who was it? — she asked, watching the black car disappear around the corner.

— Principal Vosbein.

— Liar. What did you do?

— Stop being ridiculous, it was just a ride.

— Oh, that's a relief. What a scare. The woman is quite professional and responsible to messing with a woman who became a mother in her teens.

I flicked Bonnie's forehead.

— Aw. Just kidding. She's the one who loses a young thing like that. If I had the chance too…

— Shut up. What are you doing here? Weren't you going to be late?

— I am late. You're the one who took even longer.

— Okay. Go upstairs and take Sun — I warned, handing Sun to her — I'll see if we have any mail…

The director must have been right. It was a matter of time and adaptation, and learning, of course. After some time in childcare, Sun was starting to make progress and gradually began to utter words and express herself a little better. The biting and copious crying stopped, she indicated much more what she wanted by pointing, or trying to speak. The therapist even had us keep a routine calendar and pictures of actions to facilitate communication. Our apartment was full of indicative drawings and pictures, it was much easier. Although Sun cried from the frustration of not getting what she wanted at the moment, which is common, she became much more patient. She was speaking “no”, “auntie”, and “Ma”already. I was so happy with Ma that I didn't even care that it wasn't the first word she said. The first word was no.

One free afternoon we decided to go for a walk in the park near the playground. Bonnie was on the slide with Sun when I decided to go buy ice cream.

On the sidewalk, I found the last person I expected. Director Vosbein was in casual clothes typing on her cell phone.

— Director Vosbein — I called without thinking much, I was so happy that I just called smiling, with the ice cream in my hand.

She raised her face and smiled politely, putting her cell phone in her pants pocket.

— Miss Pattranite. — She replied. Always very polite.

— How are you? Nice to see you here.

— Ah. I'm just walking a little to get some air — She delicately crossed her hands behind her back and observed Sun from a distance — I see that you guys too.

— It's been a while since I've seen her at school… — I commented curiously, but tried to disguise it.

And it really had been. About two weeks, maybe? Before that I always saw her in quick meetings or from a distance. She seemed strictly busy.

— I took a leave of absence to take care of some personal matters — She said impersonally, but kindly — But tell me, how is Sun? She seems well. I heard some feedback in passing, but I'm not very up to date, I admit. It's been a while since we've talked directly, —  she smiled. — I wanted to hear from you.

My ice cream was melting, and I took the opportunity to catch what was falling. I noticed she watched my action. Nothing out of the ordinary. She waited patiently.

— Very good! Wow, I didn't even know she could make so much progress in such a short time. What? Three months? — I said excitedly, and Vosbein smiled.

— But that's it, a child accompanied by good professionals and with family support. That's very good, I'm happy. Sun deserves it.

— She deserves the best.

At that moment, we stopped side by side and watched Bonnie play with Sun a few meters away. Both with big smiles on their faces. My smile widened, Vosbein's too. My heart almost exploded. I didn't even know I could be so happy with such a simple moment.

— Can I be honest with you?—  the director asked suddenly.

My heart almost jumped. My mind always wandered in thought. With the possibilities of what she could say to me. I think I also have a late adolescence. Don't they say it lasts until twenty-five?

— Always. — I replied, without taking my eyes off Sun.

— All that anger and rage… — she said thoughtfully — I think she just missed you. Sun missed having you around. Moments like this with family are essential.

My heart leaped a little more. I took a bite of my ice cream. Satisfied.

We watched the two of them for a few more minutes. Until I realized I was hesitating…

— Sorry. I didn't even offer. — Vosbein looked at me. Confused — Do you want ice cream? I'll pay.

— No! It's not necessary, Ms. Pattranite. I have to go back…

— Oh… — I stopped.

Vosbein took her cell phone out of her pocket again and started dealing with some matter on the device. I stood there, watching her. My heart began to fill with the same things it always filled in her presence. That overwhelming feeling of passion. I started to think that I could do something about it. What could go wrong? I never saw any ring on her hand. I took advantage of this moment to double-check and observe her hand. Nothing. I breathed discreetly. She was engrossed in resolving whatever was on her cell phone, tucking her dark hair behind her ear. So professional. So charming.

— Ms. Vosbein… — I called, overcome by a courage I didn't know I possessed.

The director raised her face, without letting go of her cell phone this time.

— Yes?

— Could we…have coffee sometime? — I finally said, but my courage died instantly.

My voice sounded so disheartening that I wouldn't even accept my own invitation. My self-confidence for a few seconds vanished completely. I think I just looked like a desolate woman. For a second, I saw confusion in her eyes.

— Did something in particular happen to Sun? As I said, I'm on leave from work. — Her understanding of the request discouraged me even more — I can refer you to someone who is responsible at the moment. But if you want to discuss it exclusively with me, we can schedule a time at the school and… — She continued, very professionally.

— No. — I sighed — I'm asking if… You'd like to go out for coffee with me? — I asked, my voice lowering even more as my self-confidence plummeted.

I looked so pathetic. In what world would a woman like that, so self-assured, agree to go out with me? A struggling chambermaid with a young daughter and a teenage sister to raise. It wouldn't hurt to try.

I wasn't the most confident woman when it came to other women. Even less so a woman like that. It wouldn't be the first time I'd been rejected. But being rejected hurts. And, damn it! I'm going to have to change Sun's school. Because I won't be able to stand the embarrassment. Right now, she's progressing… Shit! What are you doing, Love?

Understanding appeared on Principal Vosbein's face. I still didn't understand where I'd gotten the courage from.

— Oh…

— Yes. — My cheeks flushed and I took a step back.

The principal put her cell phone back in her pocket, practically in slow motion. She looked at me, but it seemed like she was just staring into nothingness. Her expression was indescribable; nothing about it was real. Absolutely nothing.

All I knew was that I had caught her by surprise.

She didn't know what to say. Neither did I.

Silence. Silence. Silence. Tense atmosphere.

Suddenly, Sun appeared running, and screaming ‘Phi!Phi!”and grabbed the principal's legs. Her expression quickly changed to happiness. She picked Sun up and started playing with her, who laughed easily at the woman.

— Hi Ms. Vosbein, — Bonnie greeted.

— Hi Bonnie, how are you?—  she greeted, briefly stopping her play with Sun. Bonnie nodded.

Bonnie observed me sideways, and of course she noticed my discomfort. I'm very obvious. Especially to Bonnie.

—  Come on Sun, let's get the ice cream, your mom's is gone! —  Bonnie called, carefully taking Sun from Vosbein's lap.

The ice cream I had gone to get for her was gone. I had gotten my whole hand dirty. In a few steps I managed to get rid of it and threw it in the nearest trash can. There was a small grass tap on the ground. I took the opportunity to clean my hands. All of this was a way to escape the principal. I didn't want to look at her anymore. Embarrassed. Embarrassed. The only thing I do right.

— Miss Pattranite — I almost fell on the grass when she called.

— Yes? — I turned my face to her, shook my hands and stood up, wiping my clean hands on my jeans.

I always have to look ridiculous around her. It's ridiculous.

— I have to go back. My mother is sick, I'm taking care of her.

— Oh. Is it very serious? Sorry. Of course.

— No — She laughed a little — She just had a small accident at home and can't walk. I'm going.

Was it my imagination, or was she paying more attention to me now? Now that she knew something. Her look was different. Something was different.

Don't be fooled, Love.

— Okay. Get well soon, to your mother. See you at school, — I waved and turned to approach the girls.

Then, I felt thinner, longer hands gently but firmly grasp my wrist. It was kind, but also determined. It seemed like it was just to let me know I'd forgotten something. But it wasn't. My whole body trembled at the touch.

— You didn't say what coffee will be, — Her voice was the same as always, very normal, flawless, always polite and professional.

But I understood very well what she was saying to me, and to me it no longer sounded normal, and I knew that the end result wouldn't be professional.

I can't believe this was really happening.

— Can I have your cell phone, Director Vosbein?

— You can call me Milk. It's my nickname…—  she said, looking at me, while gently extending her phone.

I extended my hand to greet her with the other hand.

— Love. Love is mine, —  I almost stuttered.

— Okay…Love…

I watched my fingers gently trace her fair, soft skin. I tried my best to touch her carefully, or almost not touch her at all; I didn't want to wake her from her beautiful, exhausted sleep. Her skin was all soft and firm, but the area around her collarbone seemed to have received special attention in terms of softness. It became even more evident when my fingers approached her breasts. 

My mouth longed to explore that skin once more. 

I tried my best not to wake her, but I failed as soon as I gently approached her breasts. I saw her mouth form a smile, even with her eyes closed.

I lifted my face, supporting myself on my arm and hand, to observe her. She took my other hand and bit it, laughing softly. Without opening her eyes.

It still seemed like a dream.

— What time is it? — She asked hoarsely and sleepily.

— Hm… — I leaned over to check my phone; it was early — Almost time for you to go — I laughed briefly.

Milk sighed and kept her eyes closed for a few more seconds, trying to adjust to reality. I continued watching her. It was so good to watch her. And so closely.

— Why did you go back to these weird hours again? I'm tired… —  she complained softly, and I laughed in the same tone.

— It's only for a week. Someone took a vacation. And don't blame me, you could have refused my invitation and not waited for me until two in the morning…

Then she opened her eyes and stared at me.

— I wanted to see you… — she whispered.

— Me too.

She quickly leaned in for a quick kiss. I blushed briefly. I was always stunned by any extra show of affection from her.

— Did you sleep? — she asked, turning to face me.

— For about an hour, I think.

— And then? Did you just watch me?

Bullseye!

— How do you know?—  I asked, shocked, and she laughed.

— I still don't understand why you do that. It's weird.

— How not? You're so incredibly beautiful. Especially when you're sleeping.

— You weirdo…— She touched my nose and then we kissed.

It started slowly. Like only a tender kiss could be. Then the usual intimate excitement grew between our bodies. We didn't stay awake until five in the morning for nothing…

Her hand went to my hair and I climbed on top of her. I sat on her lap, exactly where it caused friction between our intimate parts. Between our lips, we whispered two moans. Milk sat on the bed and pressed my body against hers, while the kiss continued impetuously.

All this until we heard the shower being turned on in the next room. Bonnie would be leaving for work soon.

I pulled away with great difficulty, my wet lips.

We maintained the position quietly for a few seconds, in order to normalize our body's senses.

— Time to go? — she asked softly.

— Yeah,— I replied with evident discouragement, then a sigh.

We carefully and silently moved apart. Milk picked up and put on her clothes. I just quickly put on pajamas.

I slowly opened the bedroom door, and the sound of the shower became more evident. Because the only bathroom in the house was at the end of the hallway between the bedrooms.

Milk walked slowly and on tiptoe, carrying her shoes in her hands. I accompanied her to the living room door. I kissed her lips one last time and closed the door. Bonnie came out of the bathroom the exact moment I stepped into the hallway.

— Already awake?—  she asked suspiciously, drying her hair with another towel.

— I went to get some water.

— And what was that noise at the door? 

Ridiculous girl. Wants to know everything.

— I thought I forgot to lock it…

— Hm.

— Did Sun fall asleep quickly last night?

— Yes. And I think she'll sleep a lot more.

— Aaaah, great! I'll lie down with her, I'll just quickly take a shower..

— Didn't you shower at the hotel? —  she asked mockingly.

Yes! But, you know? Annoying girl!

— Actually, no. I was in a hurry. I didn't want to make noise when I arrived…

— Oh, okay.

Pansa and I had been in this relationship for a while. We preferred to keep it just between us while nothing was official.

On the second night we slept together, I asked:

— Isn't this illegal? Us being together? The principal with a student's mother? — Pansa was lying on her back, her body glistening.

She made a cute face. Thinking for a second.

— Not at all. It doesn't interfere with anything. I just believe we should keep this between us until it's an official relationship.

— Do you want it to be? —  I asked casually.

— You'll find out, —  she replied, before leaning towards me.

We couldn't see each other whenever we wanted, considering our commitments and responsibilities. Especially me, as a mother. I didn't like the idea of ​​being away, of sleeping away from Sun. We'd never done that before. And I didn't want to give Bonnie any reason to suspect anything. So, except for our first night, Pansa would come to sleep over. Sometimes I'd call, sometimes she'd offer to come.

It always came later, after midnight, when Bonnie and Sun were asleep. We couldn't always do it. After all, it made our routines more tiring. Pansa dealt with children all day and had her commitments at night. I took care of Sun for the rest of the day, after work. Sun was almost three years old and needed twenty-four-hour assistance. I loved being with my daughter, especially now that I had more time. But I couldn't lie that it wasn't tiring.

Anyway, Milk and I understood each other. And whenever possible, we included each other in our lives.

At the daycare, when it happened, we were strictly professional. No one would ever imagine.

— Hi, Miss, — Pansa greeted, observing me briefly, without any intention. —  Are you alright?

— Wait here a second, Mrs. Pattranite…

I had gone to the secretary's office to get papers. Pansa was there signing papers, accompanied by other employees. Sitting elegantly, while drinking a small coffee.

 — Everything alright. Is Sun behaving today?

— I haven't seen her today, I've been busy. Lots of paperwork. — She always said in a professional tone, although anyone who saw her more closely could notice a slight degree of intimacy in our conversation — But I imagine so, Sun is a wonderful child. If I ever have a child, I want it to be exactly like her… — Her tone was still normal, focused on the paperwork, but I felt my heart beat faster.

What 's she saying?

The secretary returned with my requested papers and asked Pansa to sign, which she promptly did. Then, she looked at me.

— See you later? —  she asked, but it was obvious that only we understood each other.

Sometimes we would only meet briefly in the hallways, she would smile politely and I would smile back. When she was alone, she talked more. When I was with Sun, she would play with Sun, greet her or say goodbye, depending on what we were doing. Other times, she would take us home. When Sun was sleeping, we would say goodbye with a kiss; when she was awake, I would distract her and kiss Milk.

Early one morning, after leaving Sun in the little room, I found the principal almost waiting for me outside. It was one of those weeks…

— Good morning…Would you like to have a quick coffee with me in the cafeteria? — she asked quietly.

— Sorry. I don't want to be late for work…—  I lamented.

— It'll be quick. I'll take you there later...

— Can you?

She crossed her arms and smiled cheekily.

— Of course I can. I'm the principal.

We went to have coffee, lingering a little longer in the minutes.

And so we continued our thing. Supporting each other, including each other, and always understanding each other.

I didn't regret for a moment having invited her out that day. I felt very embarrassed at the time, but afterwards, only joy. Our first meeting at the café was so good. Although the principal just teased me the whole time…

— I didn't imagine you were like that…—  she commented before touching her lips to her coffee cup, with a half-smile.

I watched her act as if she were a goddess in a rare moment. It was always like that. I smiled back.

— Like what? — I took a sip of my coffee.

— I don't know. Hitting on older people and 'authority figure' — She shrugged, laughing.

— Oh. Come on? You're not that old, and if you are, you don't look at it at all. I'd guess your age is the same as mine if it weren't for our height difference.

— What does height matter? You might not have grown enough. That's all.

— Oh. Are you going to leave it at that?

— Seriously. If I didn't know what I know, I'd guess you were seventeen. And of course, I'd never be here…

— I was that age when I had Sun. After that, from experience, I must have aged about five years… — I commented, laughing.

But Pansa questioned seriously:

— Difficult?

— Oh. You have no idea how much — I laughed and she just nodded, waiting — But how old are you really? You look so young for a "high" position.

— I'm twenty-seven. I've always been very dedicated and focused on what I wanted. I've always liked children.

— That's cool. And twenty-seven isn't old at all.

— That's a eight-year difference…

— So what? "I have ten years of life experience alone." I raised an eyebrow and she laughed.

We were silent for a second. I bit my lip.

— Can I ask you something?

— Of course. Go ahead. — She still let her formal side slip.

— What did you think of me the first time you saw me?

— Hm. You mean when you first went to school? — I nodded, she thought.

I remembered that day perfectly. How messy I was. I feel like I've evolved since that day, I certainly wasn't as lost as that Pattranite anymore. But I was curious. Because that's when I first fell for her.

— I didn't think much, I confess. Just a young girl who had bad luck in life with teenage pregnancy, but very hardworking and dedicated. — My cheeks burned, how did she know? Of course she knew. —  Thinking about it right now… You were quite cute, all messy. And all the times after that. Even now.

— Damn. That's the last thing I wanted you to think. —  I huffed and she laughed.

Another minute of silence.

— I confess I only really started thinking about it after your invitation… — I swallowed hard.

— That was about five days ago… — I rested my arm on the table.

— Yes, —  she gently moved her hand closer to my arm, until rested her hand on mine, — But it's consuming me. I'm anxious to know how it's going to be…

We went for a walk in the park. I found out she has a brother who lives in China, and that she had been married to a man a few years ago. Apparently, he didn't want her to work, but she had always been independent. But it was an amicable breakup. I took the opportunity to talk a little about the pregnancy process and everything that happened before, with my parents and grandparents, and afterward. About Bonnie. About Sun.

— Do you have to be somewhere in the next few hours? — she asked suddenly.

— I asked Bonnie to stay with Sun all afternoon. Why?

The director's apartment wasn't big. Maybe it was a little smaller than mine, with two bedrooms. But it was certainly better located, decorated, and structured. And quite modern.

We're adults. We knew what was going to happen when we got there. Based on a desire that was already gnawing at us. I must have been living a dream. I didn't know that Pansa wanted me as much as I wanted her. But it became evident in all her actions. There was no doubt.

I'll never give up on my dreams again.

— What did you want me to have thought? About you, the first time? Did you want me to put you on the table and kiss you right there in the living room like in those adult movies? — she asked at the end. I laughed.

Yes?!!!

— I don't know. Attractive? Pretty?

We were lying half-naked on her super soft, giant-sized bed.

— Pretty?— She laughed. — You're so much more than that. So much…

Our relationship progressed gradually in such a natural way that we didn't even realize it. There were situations that were discreetly included and fitted into our routine. Pansa started picking us up at home to take us to daycare, she brought us whenever she could, and she took us for walks too. We started grocery shopping together, we went to doctor's appointments together, she accompanied me everywhere. And when she took us home, she stayed there with me and Sun, we watched a movie, or just played. She no longer needed to sneak over late at night.

The only person who hadn't yet witnessed us was Bonnie. Not intentionally. But I was determined to change that, that late afternoon. I knew that when we arrived, Bonnie would be there.

I went upstairs with Milk beside me, with Sun in her arms. How could that be, right? You feel all the pain of childbirth only for the child to become attached to another person… Just kidding. Sun and I are best friends now, ever since she stopped being upset with me. I didn't care at all that she had the same feelings for me, for someone else. Of course, only if that person was Milk Pansa Vosbein. My future wife. (Amen)

— Is Bonnie home? — Milk asked before I opened the door.

— Yes. Are you scared?

— Of course not. It's just a little strange, I only saw her as Sun's aunt.

— And you only saw me as Sun's mother. Things change…

— Stupid!

Neither of us was prepared to see what we saw next. Milk was faster than me and immediately put her hands over Sun's eyes.

Bonnie was on the living room sofa. But she wasn't alone. She had another girl on top of her, in a very compromising position. They were practically eating each other, literally.

— N’Bonnie!

The two quickly moved away. I saw the girl who looked more Chinese than Thai stand up. She had a short, casual haircut, and her whole style was the same. Bonnie also stood up, with the most cynical face possible. We communicated with our eyes.

You little bitch. How dare you?

— P’Love. I didn’t know you were coming home now… — Bonnie said, with an innocent tone she didn’t have — This is Emi, a friend from university.

— Hey P’Love, how are you? — The girl approached to give a high five, but not with me. With Milk! Sun practically begged to get off Milk’s lap and ran through the house.

— I'm fine  — She replied politely, lightly patting the girl's palm.

— I'm Love! — I complained — Why didn't you tell me you were bringing someone here, N'Bonnie?

— Why didn't YOU tell me you were bringing someone here? — Bonnie indicated the principal with her eyes — Hi Ms. Vosbein.

— Hello Bonnie. Only Milk, please. — Bonnie smiled ironically.

— What's going on?

— Guys. I see it's my time, I don't want to interrupt the family reunion. I'm going. — The cheeky girl said.

— P'Emi… — Bonnie called her.

— Yes. Thank you N'Emi. I'll talk to Bonnie right now…

The girls said goodbye briefly and then the older one left. Milk kindly called Sun and went to play with her in another room. Bonnie kept smiling mockingly the whole time.

— Do you want to explain what that was?

— Well. You can bring girls here secretly and I can't?

That wasn't what I expected to hear.

— How did you know?

— I'm not stupid, okay? There were days when you practically begged Sun to sleep in my bed with me. I just had no idea who it was with… I can't believe it. You little bitch!

— Hey! More respect, okay? I'm still older than you.

—  What do you want? To lecture me? —  she kept a smile.

— I don't give a fuck who you go out with. But next time, use the bedroom. We have kids at home.

— Yes, ma'am. You can also go to a motel whenever you want. — She laughed and I gave her a hard slap on the head.

Pansa and I had many dates, especially after we made our relationship official.

I'd never been nervous on any of our dates since that first time at the café, obviously. But now, I was. Just like a teenager.

Milk's mother really wanted to meet me. And meet Sun.

Milk picked us up at home at eleven for lunch that Sunday. She looked beautiful, as always. In her most casual outfit of all her casual clothes, after all, she was just going to her mother's house. However, I dressed Sun in her most beautiful and expensive dress, and styled her hair. I did the same with myself.

— Honey — That Love was different, I already knew it — Why are you so dressed up? It's just a simple lunch.

— She's been getting ready since seven in the morning — Bonnie, who never missed a chance to interfere, shouted from her study table.

She wasn't going to lunch. She was invited to Milk's, but said she was going to study. To me, she specifically said she wouldn't go so as not to defame me to her mother-in-law on the first date.

When we went to the room so I could finish getting ready, Milk held my hands and leaned in for a kiss:

— Don't make such a big deal out of this, okay? It's just another normal day, treat it like usual, because this will happen many, many times, —  she tried to reassure me, and I just nodded.

Then, Pansa went to put on Sun's sandals, who was sitting on the bed with a noisy toy.

This was the life I wanted, yes. I smiled and felt reassured.

And it was peaceful. The lunch time. Pansa's mother was practically a version of herself, and even more loving. Besides being an excellent cook, unlike her daughter. That was the only flaw in my love.

— And is your knee better, Ma? —  I asked while helping her with the dishes.

Pansa was playing in the yard with Sun and the dogs. Three dogs. The kitchen sink had a perfect view of the backyard.

— Better, yes. But still with some after-effects. It will take a while to get back to normal, or maybe it never will. Age, you know? Doesn't help. How can a person have an accident like that? Alone? — She had slipped while washing the floor near the garden and injured her leg tendon — And where do you two intend to live now that you're married? — I choked and coughed nervously, but she didn't notice — If you want, there's that house back there. It's not that big but it has two rooms, it's where my son lived before he moved away. You can stay there for a while, it just needs a little renovation…

— Oh. I don't know yet, I have to talk to Milk… — I nodded to the two of them outside again — We have our own houses.

— It was about time. I'm so happy that my girl found someone good to marry…

Marry. Marry. Marry. Whenever I heard the word my chest would throb. Marry… With Milk. And my mother-in-law, whenever she saw us, always found a way to bring the subject up.

For her, being in a relationship was the same thing; being married was the same.

But it took a while for us to actually get to that point.

We had a simple civil ceremony. And then we went to celebrate with friends at a restaurant. The intention was to have a big party a few years later when we settled down. After all, we moved to a larger apartment with three bedrooms. It was in the same building where Milk used to live, only it was bigger. Fortunately, at that time, I had a better job related to my field of administration. I was an administrative assistant at a large shopping mall, and I resumed my education to move up in the future. In addition, we put our parents' apartment up for rent, in case Bonnie ever wanted a place of her own. But, until then, Milk and I still had two children to take care of. Actually, a child, and a precocious teenager.

We intended to finance a house sometime in the future. We intended to finance another car. We intended to take an international trip. We intended to have our wedding party. We intended to do so many things together, as a family.

And as time went by, we did all of that. Sometimes I would stop and be in disbelief at how all of that had happened.

I had no idea how good life could be and how LUCKY I could be.

Milk Pansa is the woman of my dreams. We have an amazing chemistry, both in bed and in life. We learn a lot from each other and we always understand and support each other. She is so patient, caring, and kind. There is practically nothing she wouldn't do for me. Sometimes we argue mainly about that, about her wanting to take care of everything. Like in the beginning, when she wanted to pay for everything and I took the lead, clarifying that we should split and share everything, especially if we were going to be together. She is a very serious, responsible, and committed woman. My admiration for her has only grown over the years.

And when we kiss at the end of the day, before going to sleep, everynight… I'm always sure it's reciprocal.