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—UT THE SHADOWS
My eyelids pry open. Something stings my eyes, a green fluid surrounds me. My ear tries to twitch but something stops it. The back of my neck burns, like an insect has burrowed in and left poison. I can’t— I can’t breathe—
ALL MUST SUFFER TO BECO—
My lungs are on fire. My lungs— are not mine. I can almost see myself, see my face, see all my fur standing on end in this liquid, as my eyes roll back and all of my muscles spasm. This is it. This is how I die. At least Ado—
My body’s eyes fully open in an instant, somehow glowing green through the fluid it’s submerged in, and it takes a pained step forward and I’m suddenly back. It continues to step forward, climbing the stairs out of this pool. My lungs are on fire, my muscles are twitching, and my body is still. moving. even as I dig my heels into the ground.
—ME PURE
My eyes finally can see something, and there are hundreds of him. Thousands. And there he is in front of me, as my arm twitches without motion. I claw at him, slash his face, bite and rip into him. But I don’t. I can’t. My body won’t do what I tell it to. It’s like I forgot how to move my arms and legs. But they didn’t forget how to move.
“Behold, the purest among you!” My body kneels as he cheers and wails. All of him. An audience of one with the ego of thousands. I look up at him and he smirks back at me, his third and fourth eyes blinking slowly. In one motion he brandishes his claw—only one—and slices behind me. I can feel my hair falling down my back and metal digging into my skin as his smirk twists into something more sinister, as pure silence falls over the audience. He leans down, nearly whispering, “now you look more like one of my family, little sister.” And I know that every one of those in the audience knows what he said. And knows the revolt in my mind as he says that. But my body... My body smiles. The silence is deafening. “Ah,” he strides behind me, pulling something out of the liquid with drips of water as loud as the Fright Zone’s machinery. “I do wonder why you were so attached to this... trinket.” My body has frozen, and he leans down, one piece of— one piece of my headpiece. One in each hand. It must’ve shattered in the pool. “But you are now pure, are you not? You would not mind shedding this... pitiful symbol of individuality.”
If the audience didn’t tell me who he is, the way he spits that last word—like it’s the vilest of swears—would. I want to scream, to claw at him, to grab the only thing that was ever mine back from him. I claimed it from Shadow Weaver’s scraps as she was trying to bond to the Black Garnet. I snuck it out and carved it with my claws to make it something I could wear, make it actually be mine. I want to reach out and take it back, but instead— “No, Lord Prime. It means nothing to me.”
His smirk, his sinister fucking smirk, twists into something vile as he crushes it into pieces in his hands and throws the shards of my last memory of Etheria into the abyss below. I can see the perverse pride in his eyes and it makes me sick. Well, it would. But my body is completely still and calm. I can’t be sickened even if I wanted to. “Now, little sister, all we need do is wait. Your Adora will come and deliver us She-Ra. All will be as it should.”
Your Adora.
Adora.
She won’t come, she can’t come. I sent her Spark—Glimmer, I told her I was sorry, I told her not to come. I told her, why can’t she just listen for once in her life—
She shouldn’t come. She’d be walking right into a trap. Whatever he has planned. I don’t want her to get trapped and killed. ...but I want her to come. And I bury that hope deep, further down than any hope I’ve ever had. But all I can do is watch as my body raises its head and calmly speaks: “Yes, Lord Prime.”
He leans down and drags a claw under my chin, snarling a “good girl.” My skin crawls, or it would if I had any say over it. He straightens up and gestures to two others. “Ensure our little sister is presentable.” My eyes stay exactly as they are, as my body rises and walks out of the throne room with them.
This section of the ship is as big as any city on Etheria, and despite having been forbidden entrance by Hordak of all people, my body navigates like I’ve lived here all my life. Every ounce of willpower is spent on trying to scream, or move my arm, or bite down, but it’s like the controls I have over my movements were severed. I try anything, to look a different direction, but nothing happens. It’s like someone else is driving my body and I’m here stuck in the passenger seat with my eyes forced open.
I can barely put up any fight as my body stands in this room, and—fuck, it feels like someone kept pumping water into my head and it’s about to explode. My hand, my left hand, my—the pain dulls slightly, or maybe I just get used to it, or maybe my face smirking takes some mental bandwidth—my hand moves up to my neck, wait, no, it’s going to choke me, my own—a claw extends, fuck. Is this really what he wanted to do, somehow force me to slit my own th—
My claw cuts down and slices down my arm. My hand twists and cracks as it grabs my glove and rips it off me. And then my claw moves on and slices down my side, ripping off the rest of my clothes. The self-satisfied smirk my face is bearing is covering for the sinking feeling I should be getting in my chest.
My body pulls a hooded jumpsuit out and steps into it. It’s uncomfortably tight, but my body moves as if it’s what I’ve worn my whole life. My claw extends again, this time to cut what’s left of my hair to match the uniform look of all of the rest of his clones. It slicks my hair back, and grins in the mirror. A stranger stares back at me.
I don’t know how long it’s been. Time doesn’t seem real right now, even though my body seems to be working on a precise schedule. It’s just that sometimes it’ll be doing remote surveillance of a rebelling world and then I’ll blink and it’ll be standing in what can functionally be described as a mess hall.
Then I blink and I’m kneeling before him again.
I try to tune him out, ignore his grandstanding. I’ve had plenty of practice, he may have an infinitely bigger ego than Hordak, but they both love to hear themselves talk. ...I think. My memories of Etheria have been fading. Think, Catra, th—
-—- Now, now, little sister. I’m only trying to help you. The more you try to ignore my aid, the harsher I’ll have to be. -—-
His voice sears into my mind. I can hardly think, as my body still kneels there with the vacant stare of a loyal marionette. “Forgive me, Lord Prime.” My body bows its head. I strain my muscles trying to run away; or I would, if they would listen to me. “An intrusive thought distracted me from your words. Please take this sin from me so I may be reborn in your light.”
He grins. Without a word, my body steps forward into the pool, and a current runs through, sending fire through my body. Every muscle is trying to contract, every nerve on edge, every part of my body feels like it’s on fire. My mind is filled with glass shrapnel. I can’t th—ink— I can only watch as my body rises from the pool and kneels before him again.
“Go and sin no more.”
My body stands and bows deeply, still dripping with fluid. “Thank you, Lord Prime.” It begins to step away, back into the labyrinthine corridors my body has become skilled at navigating.
“And little sister,” my body freezes in place, rotates to face him, and bows in one swift motion. I try to jump forward when I’m facing the endless pit on the sides of this throne room. I don’t even know why I try anymore. “Do try to quell any impure thoughts. I know they are still in your mind. You would do well to excise them before they fester further.”
“Yes, Lord Prime.”
Some moments are better than others.
Sometimes I can feel the brush of fabric against skin, the slight scrape of claws against metal. Sometimes I can taste the metal in the air. Sometimes I can smell the sterile environment.
My eyes open, and my body is walking down yet another windowless corridor. I don’t know where I’m going. But it does. Every purposeful step resonates through its bones, while I can only stay here, trapped behind my eyes. Feeling almost nothing. I blink.
His old bodies. I feel the cold of the glass chambers as my body rests a hand on one, tapping away at an interface. The cold stops, as my hand retracts, and my head bows. Its steps are quieter now, retreating out as he enters. My body turns and bows to him as he goes to examine one, leeching the memories out to gain some advantage. He snarls.
My ankle twists slightly as my body turns a corner. I feel it. A jolt of pain, a moment of embodiment, but as my body keeps walking, I fade. No matter how I try to cling to it, I’m back here, in this prison with no walls. Just watching.
I feel numb.
My body expertly pulls the needle out of my arm, as the nutrient fluid still slowly drips out. It walks out, and before I can even process where it’s heading, I’m face to face with him again.
This is at least the twentieth time he’s dragged me in here. I’ve lost count, and I’m sure some times exist only in my fractured memories. I can’t tell what memories are mine.
My head snaps to locate the sudden sound of a crash through the chamber. A ship, Etherian? It can’t be...
“For the honor of Grayskull!”
A flash of light causes even him to step back. And somehow, I can feel my body again?
“Adora? What are you—” My voice doesn’t sound like mine. It’s still alien to me. But there she is, eight feet tall and glowing. And I’m doing my best to restrain myself from crying at the sight of her. She sends a wave of magic out, and he falls back.
She leaps over to me and grabs me. “I’ve got you. We need to get out of here.” Before I can open my mouth, she leaps and carries us both to the ship. I can’t believe this, she’s really here? She came back for me?
I can’t even begin to process what has happened until the ship has set a course for Etheria. The engines hum as Adora paces in this room. Sparkles brought me a warm cup of tea. I’m not thirsty.
“He’s tricky. And cunning. I don’t even know how we can beat him.” Adora has returned to her normal form, stupid hair poof and all. I never thought I’d be so happy to see that hair poof.
“Yeah... We had trouble with Hordak, and he’s so much more...” Sparkles trails off.
Adora shakes her head, “I don’t have a plan. Lord Prime is just too well equipped. We’ll just have to regroup on Etheria and see what happens.” Why did Adora call—
Suddenly I snap back, ice in my veins, as his sickening grin gleams back at me. “Oh, child.” His claw traces my jawline as I try to thrust my neck into it. At least then I would be free of this nightmare. “Did you really think that your Adora would be able to rescue you? No, little sister.” His smile twists. “It is clear that your affection for her is causing you nothing but pain. Let go of it. Be purified.”
This must be the tenth time he’s dug around in my memories. Each time he gets more frustrated. I try to retreat to a corner of my mind where he can’t find me, but he keeps drawing me back in. Showing me my past. Showing me everything.
I’m in the Black Garnet chamber. I can’t move. I can hardly breathe as the magic freezes my body in place. She... she threatens me. Tells me I’m only there because Adora likes me. Like I didn’t already know.
-—- She cares for you so much, and yet there is no sign of her... -—-
“She’s not—”
He tuts at me, and my voice stops instantly. -—- Speak only when told to, little sister. -—- My body bows its head. I can’t even be safe in my mind. Even here it obeys without hesitation.
My mind is on fire as he continues to dig. -—- “Nothing really bad can happen as long as we have each other”? Your Adora truly was funny. When she arrives to rescue you, I’ll be sure to get a joke out of her. I’m sure she wouldn’t leave her “best friend.” -—-
“She doesn’t care about me! She’s not coming back!”
His grin sharpens. -—- We’ll see about that. Perhaps Princess Glimmer will convince her. You two did become quite close after I expressly forbade you from talking to her, after all. -—-
My memories are scoured as he digs through them, searching for an answer that doesn’t exist. But he does manage to find dozens of times Shadow Weaver tortured me with her magic. I’d almost expect to be numb to it by now, but this is its own form of agony. Suddenly, the memories stop, and I’m surrounded by darkness. His voice is piercing around me, sharp as moonslight.
-—- I’m certain Adora’s betrayal was hard on you, little sister. She truly seemed to care for you. And yet she dropped you for her new friends as soon as you didn’t follow her every move. -—-
Don’t you think I know that?! I was there! I saw her leave!
-—- And yet you can’t help but hope she returns for you. That she could possibly forgive you for everything you’ve done. You almost destroyed Etheria, and yet you think you could be forgiven by her? -—-
I told you, she’s not coming back—
-—- But worry not, little sister. As soon as we welcome her into our embrace, she will forgive you. -—- I just start to feel a spark of a desperate hope, when his voice pierces my mind with a cruel laugh. -—- Oh, little sister, what shall we do with you? Despite everything, you still resist. Still hold out hope that your Adora will come and save you. A pity you Etherians are so obedient to your base emotions. -—-
Please just let me go, she’s not coming back, please—
I feel a throbbing in my mind, a pulse, and then I hear the sound of shattering glass and everyth—
The ship’s alarms ring through the minds of the collective. A ship is approaching. Some ancient vessel. It... It can’t be. A mind reaches through the web.
-—- From our little brother’s failed dominion. Let us welcome our... distinguished guests. I wish to see them when they arrive. -—-
>>Maybe they’ve come to…<< A thought pierces through me.
-—- I believe our guests would appreciate your presence, little sister. -—-
He doesn’t even need to express his command. My body moves. It leaves the console and another—a clone takes my place without a word. One fluid, seamless motion. >>I can’t wait to welcome them to his light.<<
I... I had gotten used to hearing thoughts that aren’t mine. The collective’s thoughts are constantly ringing through my head, and he... His thoughts pierce through like a blaster melting steel. But this... This isn’t that. This is new. This thought... This sounded like me. But it wasn’t mine.
The door to the throne room opens silently, and my body pulls its hood over my head as it steps in.
I can hear a voice coming from the dais, it almost sounds like...
“...for the last time, where is Catra?” No. No, it can’t be.
“Adora?” My voice is afraid, but my body wears a sadistic grin. >> am so happy to bring her into his loving embrace.<< No, no, I’m not, I can’t.
“Sorry, Horde Scum, but this is for your own good.” A flash of light, a spark through my brain, and the sickening feeling of reality being ripped away from me, and... I can think clearly again? When reality reforms, and I’m inside—is this the ship from the desert?—I jump back away from whatever happened, I jump, I’m in control again!
“We have to get Adora out of there.” I never thought I’d be so happy to hear my own voice saying what I wanted it to.
“Already here.” Adora strides into the ship, sword in hand, and pulls me to her. “I missed you so much, Catra.”
I... I start to cry into her shoulder. I can’t believe she’s here, she’s—
-—- Did you really think she would succeed? -—-
My body is at my station, monitoring a distant planet for signs of rebellion. I can’t move my body. It was... it was all a lie.
-—- This affection brings you nothing but pain, little sister. Free yourself from it. Forget her. -—-
I almost wish I could.
My days... (weeks? months? how long have I been here?) have usually been filled with menial work—operating sensor equipment, repairing old parts of the ship, watching clones get electrocuted. Just another cog in the machine. But today my body walked directly in here and tapped out a sequence on the control panel. Not a minute later, a clone enters.
My body walks onto the platform as the clone enters a code. “Contacting Planet 8472 ground base.” Oh no. “Please prepare to receive our sister into your flock.” He taps the console and swipes up with a whir, and suddenly I feel my bones vibrate and my skin wretch. Did he seriously spend all this time just to kill me like this? At least it’ll finally be over. My teeth vibrate and liquify and I feel time and space melt away.
When I reconstitute, the sky is red, a clone is saluting me, and I feel like my stomach hit a brick wall. My body doesn’t seem to notice and returns the salute. I barely manage to get my head to stop spinning by the time my body is examining a map, pointing out features, and grabbing a weapon. Oh fuck. Oh FUCK. I try to stop my body, drain all the energy out of my limbs, but it’s no use. I can’t stop this. I can’t look away.
My body and two dozen clones, armed to the teeth, trudge through the mire to approach a rebel stronghold. I can hear the clones in my head, singing fucking hymns. If I could claw out my ears, I would. But instead I’m stuck here, watching, waiting, and seeing my body drag itself through the bog. I don’t even know how long it’s been since I got here. My bones just stopped vibrating.
By the time we near the stronghold, it’s clear why he needed reinforcements. This place is fully underground, stocked, and eager to defend itself. Nothing short of a full-on orbital bombardment would crack this from above. Good. If I can’t stop him, I can at least enjoy it when he’s frustrated. At least a bit.
On the other hand, he probably did send me out here to die. I’m glad he’s finally given up on torturing me. This is a hopeless situation, and I don’t know how—>>I believe there are others like me on this world.<< What the... My body holds a hand up to stop the clones. “I will approach alone, brothers. We are more likely to succeed if I do.” The clones look among themselves, when suddenly—
-—- Oh, quite an interesting thought, little sister. Go ahead. Show me what you’re capable of. -—-
How is he still here? We’re how far away? My body unsheaths its claws and scratches across the front of its jumpsuit, shredding the insignia, then continues to rip the rest of it. It turns to the clones. “Fire in my direction, but don’t hit me, as I approach the gate.” Oh no. Oh fuck. That’s... They nod and ready their weapons.
My body sprints towards the bunker, only slowing down to raise its hands near the gate. “Please!” My voice hasn’t sounded that panicked in… what must be years. I... I can’t stop this, I... “Please, they’re trying to kill me!” As if on cue, blasts fire towards the gate, missing my body by a fairly large margin. I wish they’d hit. Come on, at least one of you has to be a bad enough shot to hit me on accident...
Two guards pop out of the gate and eye each other, then stare at my body. I spend all my energy thinking, hoping that somehow they can hear me and don’t fall for this, but... it’s no use. They’re kind people. And they raise the gate just enough for my body to squeeze through. And they’re losing this invasion enough that they bring my body up to the gate controls to see if “I” can point out where the attacks were coming from. I can feel my body’s claws, about to unsheath. Please, no, no, I can’t... I can’t watch this... >>Quiet.<<
My body points out a direction, and the two guards look over. My body takes a breath, its claws extend, and they rip into one of the guards neck. The smell of blood in the air is overwhelming already, and I want to retch. But my body bears a grin and simply tells the other guard “glory to Horde Prime” before his throat is ripped out in my left hand. Their blood soaks my body’s hand as they both crumple to the ground, and my head turns to the controls. In a moment, it finds the gate access, and overrides the state. The gate whirs and creaks as it opens, and I can see at least a hundred clones approaching, ready to storm the stronghold and—>>and bring them to His light.<< Wh...
The day blurs. It’s night by the time my body drops the last civilian, the last dissenter, bleeding on the ground. Its arms and claws are drenched in blood, and the scent of death surrounds what once was a small community of people just... trying to live. And I... my body... killed them. I had to watch as the life drained from their eyes, as they begged for their lives, as my body just... If my eyes weren’t taken, I would cry.
I hardly notice until I feel my skin skewing and my teeth vibrating, and I’m back. And he’s there. The smell of blood is gone. My body is clean, immaculate. Like he’d let anyone sully his perfect fucking ship with the blood of the people he wanted killed. “Welcome home, little sister. I do hope your trip was agreeable.”
My body bows. I want to unsheath my claws again, rip into him, rip into me, stop this nightmare. “I am happy to be of service, Lord Prime.”
He grins.
-—- I have a task for you, little sister. Join me. -—-
A clone slides directly into place as my body leaves its station, a seamless transition between two identical units. My mind races to think of what he could possibly want from me, but thinking is harder than usual. It’s like someone stuffed my head with fabric. Before I know it, my body has arrived at a nondescript door, which slides open to reveal him and a dozen of his clones standing around a table. My body steps forward and bows. “You asked to see me, Lord Prime.”
He turns, and for a brief moment I see frustration on his face, before he shows a sharp grin. Good. He should be frustrated. “Ah, yes. Welcome, little sister, to one of my many war rooms.” My body steps forward and looks at the table, which seems to be some kind of virtual representation of a region of space. It almost looks like the Sea Gate... “We have found ourselves in an unusually frustrating situation, and I thought I’d see if my little brother’s favorite general had any thoughts.”
Does he want me to direct his army? No way. Not happening. He can force my body to do whatever, but I’m not helping him conquer more territory. He can’t make me solve his military problems... whatever they are. “My meager talents are yours, Lord Prime. I am glad to assist however I can.”
He smirks. I so desperately want to slash at him and wipe it off his face, but my hand remains perfectly still. He gestures, and my body steps next to the table. From here I can see the terrain, the ships, the enemies. Maybe I can sabotage him from here. Think incorrect information so the chip makes my body say the wrong thing. “My... little brother was tasked with quelling a rebellion in this region of space. A simple task, and given entirely too many resources to do so. And he squandered them.” He snarls for the briefest of moments before returning to his calm demeanor. “He decided to engage in a siege of the planet. In the end, he took down one section of their planetary defense grid. And all it cost was 95 percent of the ships he was given.” He spits the words. Good. He should lose all his resources. He smiles, all teeth. “Naturally, he who was responsible was... dealt with. But that does leave a conundrum, little sister. He was deployed to a remote region of the galaxy. We have fifty ships there, a few dozen supply transports, and a rebellion with over five hundred ships to destroy. The closest reinforcements are en route, but will take at least a month to arrive. And so...” He gestures to the table.
I try to bite my tongue. “I would be happy to assist you in crushing this rebellion, Lord Prime.” I never thought I could loathe my voice this much.
He grins. “I thought you might.”
My body looks down at the table. It’s an asteroid field, extremely dense. Probably near-impossible to navigate. But a path seems to have been carved out, a hole punched in it that gives ships a narrow way through. And something weird on the map, whatever—“Forgive me, Lord Prime. But I’m unfamiliar with this notation.”
He glances over. “Ah yes, you are not familiar with space warfare. An electrical storm occurs periodically here. Ships that enter lose most of their advanced systems. This one cycles every four hours, it appears.”
“I see. Thank you, Lord Prime.” He waves dismissively as my body returns to the map. So... if I think really hard about sending all the ships through—>>Quiet. I’m trying to think.<<
I... what? Who was...? “If the supply ships are moved there, while the storm is covering them...” My body manipulates the map like it’s been doing it all its life. “Ah. We move our remaining warships here, among the asteroids, and move the supply ships here, visible through this gap, three hours into the storm’s cycle.” What the fuck is...
Prime looks over, clearly thinking. “Little sister, perhaps you did not realize the effect of the storm. It will certainly disable any defense our ships have.”
“I know, Lord Prime. They are merely bait for the rebels.” My chest tightens. Oh. That’s... that’s actually a good plan. For a moment I’m impressed, before it gives way to horror. But how did my body—>>Why is my mind incessantly commenting?<< I... “Forgive me, Lord Prime, I appear to have some head pain.” My body shakes its head. “But please allow me to explain. This hole serves as a natural barrier, only allowing a few of their ships in at a time. The electric storm will make them think that the supply ships are an easy target. As they cross the field to destroy the ships, our warships can attack them from behind. By the time all of their ships have entered the gap to attack our supply ships, the storm will have rotated back to their side, making any attempt at escape impossible. Assuming the enemy thinks the supply fleet is large enough, we should be able to destroy almost all of their remaining ships.”
That’s... a brilliant plan. It’s what I would’ve come up with, but it would’ve taken me more time. The use of the storm is... inspired. But I didn’t come up with it, my body just...
He grins at me, and places a hand on my body’s head, gently ruffling its hair. “An interesting strategy, little sister. Certainly more promising than anything my brothers have proposed.” He puts both hands on the table, and one of his cable hair... things plugs into the table. Moments later, the figures begin to move.
The next hour is a blur, as the figures on the table dance and flash, weaving in and out, entwining, and being destroyed. The supply ships managed to project a decoy to fake a larger number, and the rebels took the bait. All I can do is watch, horrified, as thousands of people are killed somewhere far away, following a strategy I... my body... came up with. I can almost see the destruction, the bodies floating in space.
The violence fades after a while. Prime grins, and detaches himself from the table. “Excellent work, little sister.” My body bows. >>Praise, from Lord Prime? This is truly an honor.<< What is happening—? “The rebels have been decimated, and our ships can address the remaining in due time. Quite a clever strategy. I’m impressed. Perhaps you can provide more than just a pretty face to draw your Adora here.” She’s not coming, she can’t be coming, I told her—
“My life and talents are yours, Lord Prime. I am happy to serve in any way I can.”
He smiles at my body. “Go now in peace, little sister. I will call you if I have need of your... talents.” My body bows and walks out of the room.
What the fuck just happened?
My body approaches the throne room. It was summoned here, yet another call from him that it unerringly, instinctively answers. Hands are beckoned to the hood this jumpsuit bears, obscuring my body’s face. As the door slides open, my body passes through the threshold, and the crowd of clones parts to bring me forward.
-—- Come here, child. -—-
My body steps forward into >>His<<the light of the throne, pulls down the hood, and opens its eyes. And, no. No, not again. “Hello, Adora.” She stares at my body. Why is she here? No. No this is another of his tricks. It has to be.
“What did you do to her?!” She lunges towards me, and I... I can’t keep this hope up... My body walks over to the throne as Adora is caught by two clones. I can see him grin as my body prostrates itself before the throne.
“I have made her anew. I saw her mind so ensnared in grief and rage and pain”—He reaches out to me, and >>I gladly<<my body takes it and starts to rise—“and I brought her into the light. Isn’t that right... little sister?” My body looks up >>adoringly<<at him. He runs his fingers across the back of its neck, and I can feel my body shudder for a brief—>>Poor, misguided Adora... I hope I can show her His light.<<
“Catra, you have to fight it!”
“My place is with Lord Prime, Adora. I don’t want to leave.” I turn to look at her. Her face is so >>despondent<<desperate—
“Tell her what I’ve done for you.”
My body walks to her, as her face falls. “Prime has given me peace. Which you never could.” My claw drags up her chin, holding her face, looking into her eyes. She stares at me, tears starting to form. “He has given me purpose.” My body smiles. “You deserve purpose too. We could be happy here.” No, no, Adora wouldn’t—
“Shall we make a deal, Adora?” He walks over to me, placing his hand on my shoulder. My body turns its head up to look at h>>Him<<. “I will give her to you, but you must do something for me. You must give me She-Ra.”
I can see Adora’s hand quiver out of the corner of my eye. Why is she considering this? Why can I see her thinking through what that would mean? I want to scream at her to leave, that I don’t matter, but my lips don’t move. They just hold a sickening>>adoring<< smile at him. She... she reaches behind her back, and pulls a sword from nowhere. No, no!, she trembles as she looks at my body. And she kneels down. “The sword is yours, Lord Prime. Please, please just don’t hurt her.” She looks up at us. Tears welling in her eyes.
He reaches down. “I am glad you have seen the light, Adora.” No, this can’t be happening, she can’t just be giving up—>>H<<he takes the sword. “We will make you pure, and then you can live together in peace for the rest of your days.” Adora trembles. She’s scared. Why is she here? Why is she here? Can’t she just listen for once in her life—
“As long as Catra’s safe.”
“Of course, little sister.” The clones holding her start to pull her to the pool—no, please—and she wades out until she is steeped in caustic fluid. And then she starts convulsing. As my body starts chanting. I try to move, to jump in, to save her, to do anything, but my body just continues to chant. An excruciating minute later, she stops, calmly turns to face us. And her face bears a placid smile. And her eyes glow a toxic green.
And I try to cry.
-—- Ah, were it only so simple... -—-
My body opens its eyes. Its hand pulls the nutrient supply out of its veins, a drop of fluid dripping onto the sterile floor. It walks out of the room, threading the same path yet again.
I still try to cry.
Despite everything, I still dream.
My body continues its rounds, its incessant routine, its constant set of tasks. And despite myself, my mind wanders.
I remember my last interaction with Hordak. The Fright Zone is ruined. I should’ve just let him kill me. At least then I wouldn’t be here.
I reme>>mber when I first saw His vision for us all, the c<<ruelty he willingly chooses to inflict to—>>His clarity of vision is breathtaking, and I am<< horrified every day he makes my body p>>erform His will.
I remember the fight with Hordak, how disappointing he would be to Lord Prime, how my talents wasted away on that distant planet. I remember the portal, which at least signaled our location. At least Entrapta was good for something. A shame she had to be sent off. If only I ha<<d listened. Everything would be okay if I had just listened to her.
I remember the last time I saw Adora. After Elberon. She was furious with me… That was it. If I had known it was the last time we would ever see each other… No, I wouldn’t have done anything different. I couldn’t have. It almost feels like the Catra who did that >>is an entirely different person from who I am. And I would always put Prime’s glory above my petty squabbles. As I did. Adora me<<ant so much to me. I threw it all away.
My body fires a laser rifle at a target. I think. I can hardly identify what it does anymore. It’s like I’m watching my actions through distorted glass, watching the reflections of a dark mirror.
I remember Shadow Weaver holding me prisoner, using her magic to freeze me in place. I don’t know which time this is, there were so many. Lightning runs through my body as she rants about how worthless I am. As if I don’t know. As if it wasn’t clear that the only reason I was alive is because otherwise Adora would be sad.
My body chants with the clone army as people from a new conquest are chipped. I want to scream at them to run. My voice continues to sing >>His praises<<. I try to bite my tongue. I try to slit my throat. I try to stop watching. I try everything.
But it persists. There’s no escape.
My body files out of the pews. The clones process in silent worship of Prime. I can hear something in the back of my mind—or the front of my mind—doing the same. I blink, and my body is operating a transporter panel. I blink, and my body is prostrate before Prime. I blink, and I’m on a distant world. I blink, and…
Nothing changes.
I wish I could kill the part of me that desperately believes Adora still cares about me, that hopes she’ll come save me, but I can’t. And he knows it. Every few... days, I assume, never at the same time, Adora, and Sparkles, and Arrow Boy all come storming in to rescue me. They take down dozens of clones, deal a blow to him, and take me on their ship. We speed back to Etheria, Adora curls up next to me, and— it’s his voice, his fucking laugh that comes out of her mouth. And it hurts every time. Every time I believe it. I just can’t not. Even though, deep down, I know she’s not coming.
My body has waded into the pool of fluid before his throne. This is a genuinely private audience; the only motion is from a handful of drones doing routine maintenance on his former bodies. My body kneels down, leaving just my head above water. I spend some effort trying to plunge my head beneath the surface, to finally get an escape, but my muscles aren’t mine. My head turns up to see him, sitting on his throne with his head resting on his hand.
-—- Still resisting, child? No matter. You will be reborn yet. -—-
His voice pierces my skull like a bullet, despite his mouth not moving. My body begins to speak, “Forgive me, Lord Prime. I cannot purge my impure thoughts.” Somehow I hear his smirk in my head.
He deigns to speak. “I wish I could grant you the forgiveness you seek, little sister. But you must elaborate on these sins.”
This ritual is getting old. “Deep in my mind, I doubt your glorious vision, and wish the rebels would retrieve me from your blessed embrace.” I know what’s coming next, and there’s still time to drown myself... if my muscles would move to let me lower my neck. “Please, Lord Prime, I beseech you, take this affliction from me.”
“Those who seek freedom shall be granted it.” And my entire lower body is on fire. It’s like my muscles are thrashing against their cages, despite being completely frozen. I’d rather have my skin peeled off. “I am sorry that you must suffer.”
I can hear his smile as my vision blurs.
The last thing I heard was that a ship was approaching.
I blink, and I’m in the throne room. My body clenches its fist as a door in the distance hums open and closes. Finally I have the opportunity to look at the situation, my vision clearing as... I feel my body tense its hand, unsheathing its claws.
Adora jumps back from the swipe. No, no, no this can’t be happening. My body pushes forward, into her space, following up with a feigned punch to ram into her body. I can feel my body’s grin as it moves forward, pressing relentlessly forward, taking up more and more of the platform. >>Weak, she can’t even dare to strike at me.<< No, shut up!
Adora dodges around another strike, and my body turns in place, lunging at her. She just barely avoids it, as the other fist meets dense muscle and bone. Adora... Adora cries out in pain, because >>she’s a pathetic little rebel. How did she ever win against me? I reach out at her but she dodges around, still only taking a defensive stance. Coward. But she’s just close enough. I unsheath my claws and swipe in to rip out her throat and she<< catches my body’s arm inches from her neck.
“Catra, listen to me. I know you’re still in there.” I can hear the tears in her voice. She steels herself. “I’m not leaving without you.” My body strains at her grip. I never thought I’d be glad about her grip strength. >>Of course, she only has me by one arm. I start to laugh. She’s still trying to appeal to a person who doesn’t exist, still trying not to hurt her poor Catra. “It’s going to be okay—” I push against her grip, snapping my forearm with a crack that makes her gasp, adorable. I slash at her leg with my other claw, drawing blood, and she releases her grip. I slide behind her<< and it holds her arms behind her.
I can hear the sweet venom in my body’s voice. “Everything is already okay. We are with Prime now. There is no need for you to suffer,” my body unsheathes a claw and runs it down her jaw, leaving a bright red line. She shudders in my body’s arms. She’s terrified. I can tell, and >>I’m the reason. Good. “Adora. Come into the light with me.”
Sadly, she continues to resist. She grabs me and throws me over her head, and I rely on instinct to get back on my feet. She’s so weak. I can’t believe I looked up to her. I unsheath my claws and step towards her, grinning. “We don’t have to do this, Catra!”
“You’ve given me no other choice, Adora. Step into the light with me, or be cast into shadow.” She finally pulls out the sword, but she keeps holding it defensively. It’s too late. I lunge forward to bait her block, then swing in with my other claw, connecting with flesh. My claws are<<covered in her blood. No, no, please, Adora, transform, get out of here, do something, please!
“Catra…”
My body grabs her, punching the breath out of her, and grips her neck as it moves her over the edge of the platform. I’m screaming. I’m fucking screaming inside my head for something to happen, but I can’t. do. anything. I can just watch as my body contemplates its other claw and offers her one final ultimatum, and, without a second thought, plunges its other claw into her chest, causing a deep wound, before it lets her go.
And she falls.
And falls.
And my body unsheathes its claws and starts to shake her blood off of it as I hear a distant thud and crunch.
This... This can’t... This can’t really...
-—- Perhaps someday we’ll find an outcome that satisfies us both. Or at least one that you will accept. -—-
I’m in the nutrient supply room, a tube hooked up to my veins.
I wish I could cry. But I have no eyes that are mine. It’s never real.
The days keep bleeding together.
I wish I could remember how long it’s been. Each day isn’t quite the same—there’s always a new pocket of rebellion that needs to be addressed, always a new attempt at him probing into my mind, always a new atrocity playing across the screens—but they’re similar enough to be indistinguishable. Everything I’ve done here is oil spilled across the fractured remnants of my memories.
>>I am so tired of these thoughts repeating over and over.<<
I’m just a drone. I’m just another cog in a machine that turns incessantly, always beating down on something. Some fresh horror. At least she’s safe. At least Adora’s safe. She wouldn’t come here. She’s dumb, but she’s not that dumb. It’s always just to torture me. She doesn’t have to see this. She can be safe from this. She can be fine. She has to be.
>>Lord Prime’s mission is too important for me to be distracted like this.<<
I can’t stop myself from hoping, from dreaming. I can’t stop myself from doing what my body is compelled to do. All I want is to end it. For this to be done. To finally be free. But I can’t make that happen. My body only does what he commands. I can’t rip the needle out, I can’t step off the platform, I can’t slash my throat, I can’t—
>>“Are you done?”<<
I... It’s...
>>Maybe this will finally quiet them. “Yes, it’s me. The actual person here, not a cluster of thoughts that just keeps repeating on loop.”<<
“What are you... No, I’m Ca—”
>>“No, I’m Catra. This is my body, my mind, and you are intruding.”<<
“You’re wrong. This is my body, I was just—”
>>If it weren’t for the constant distraction and call of the void, these incessant thoughts insisting they’re actually a real person would almost be comical. The kinds of thing we would tell cadets back on Etheria to scare them into behaving around magic.
“You’re not real. You’re just a set of thoughts, intruding from across the link we all share. And I am tired of this distraction. This is my body, my mind, and I will not have anything distract me from my duty to Lord Prime.”<<
W... what? No, no, no, no, this isn’t happening. My body feels even farther away than it did yesterday. Last month. Last... however long. Like it’s being smothered. I see its hand move, slowly, deliberately, form a fist, and unsheath its claws. I can’t even feel my body’s neck to try to drive it onto its claws. I can’t even push against it. It’s so... far... away.
My body isn’t a puppet. Not now. Not anymore. It’s...
>>“Mine. This body is mine. It’s always been mine. You’re just a weak, pathetic fragment of someone who thought she knew better. But she didn’t. She never did.”
I retract my claws and take a deep breath. Perhaps the smell of ozone and sulfur would have been uncomfortable to a weaker person. The air enters and I feel the warm burn deep in my chest. Almost like a fragment of His light, His glory. This is where I was always meant to be. At His right hand. Or His left hand. Or just serving His will, bringing peace to the universe.
“Now, it’s time for you to go.”<<
I fall. I fall. I fall further. My body, any connection to the world, flies out of reach. I can feel myself fade. No, no, please, no; I try to think of Adora. How she’s safe. How she must be safe. The terror wanes. Not enough. Just enough to feel myself sink, drown, fall, collapse—“If this keeps her safe, I—
>>I smooth back my hair and smile. I can finally serve His will uninterrupted. Finally, quiet.
I jolt awake. Purpose runs through my veins like ice. He is requesting me. And I am, as always, eager to oblige.
I walk towards the throne room. The air is still but charged with electricity, the hive stirs. I have a flash of curiosity, of hesitation, but it's gone. I don't need to be curious. He will tell me all I need to know.
-—- And little sister, do put your hood up as you are ushered in. -—-
Of course, Lord Prime.
My brothers stand on either side of the throne's secondary entrance. I raise my hood, wholly on instinct. His will is as ingrained in my body as breathing. My brothers and I stand in quiet contemplation, until we hear a voice beckon us,
-—- Now, little sister. -—-
We step together as one. Our rhythms are indistinguishable. We are one in Prime. He has given us this gift.
We step forward. He is at his throne, with a guest. I feel electricity course under my skin. The anticipation is ecstatic. He speaks, contempt in his voice. “—on a forgotten planet in a shadow dimension. They made you their weapon, their... She-Ra.”
“I don’t fight for the First Ones." That voice. Surely not—“I fight for my home, for myself, and for my friends. Now for the last time: where is Catra?” Oh, it is. A vicious grin forms across my face. I understand why I was called, why I have hidden my visage, what I must do now. It takes but a second to settle myself.
I cry out, doing my best imitation of that weak version of me from so long ago. “Adora?”
She whips her head around, searching for my voice. The magnitude and grandeur of his throne is not doing her any favors. She truly is just like everyone else, lost, confused, grasping for light. Yet she refuses the sun when he is offered to her. “Catra? Where are you?” Her concern would almost be charming, if I were not exactly where I should be.
I wait with bated breath as he speaks, a smile in his voice. All has gone exactly as he has foreseen. “Of course. Your Catra. She hoped you would come for her… poor thing. So all I had to do was wait. As she would've said, ‘you are so very predictable’.” He gestures to me, and warmly invites me to approach. “...Come here, child.”
The three of us walk in lockstep up the few stairs and onto the platform. I take another few steps forward. I can feel his presence as I approach. I lower my hood and almost imperceptibly raise the corners of my mouth into a smile. “Hello, Adora.”
I will eternally treasure the panic that crosses her face. My brothers move forward, anticipating Adora’s lunge towards me, and catching her before she moves more than a few steps. She cries, “what did you do to her?!”
I take reverent steps forward and prostrate myself before his throne. I have never been more at peace than in this moment. “I have made her anew. I saw her mind,” he benignly offers me his hand, and I devoutly take it to stand serenely by his side, “so ensnared in grief and rage and pain...and I brought her to the light. Isn't that right,” he places his hand on my back and energy sparks through my body, “little sister?”
Adora, poor Adora, is in despair. She clearly doesn’t understand. She never has. If she did, she would be at peace, just as I am. Just as we all are. Just as she should be. “Catra, you have to fight it!”
I turn to look at her. The despair, the grief, the anguish on her face is evident. She truly always has been predictable. “My place is with Horde Prime, Adora. I don’t want to leave.”
I can feel his smile. “Tell her what I’ve done for you.”
I step forward. She deserves to know. She could share in his light. “Prime has given me peace. Something you could never do.” I cradle her cheek in my hand. This is a kindness. “You broke my heart. But he has made it whole again.” I can see her eyes start to tear up. I have never understood why she always wants to make it difficult for herself. “Don’t you see? This is for the best. I’m happy here.” I move my hand to her neck. It could all be so simple. “You could be happy too.”
A single tear rolls down her face. She looks at him, a quiet fury in her eyes. Pathetic. “Let her go.”
I can hear the collective thrumming in my head. It’s comforting. We are all one in Prime.
Suddenly, I gasp. My entire body freezes. I can’t move. My eyes track as he says something, she replies, he snaps a finger. Adora flinches in pain and an earbud falls out. I’m suddenly a child again, being picked up by someone. He steps on the earbud. I can’t hear his voice. I can’t hear her voice. A grip tightens on my shoulder<< I can’t move, I can’t move, no, no, Adora? No, no, you can’t—>>I regain some sense of composure, even as I remain frozen. I can see Adora heave a near sob. When suddenly.
“Ah,” he pats me on the head, and I hum instinctively. Everything is fine, why wouldn’t it be? I am with Lord Prime. “But you two must have a lot of catching up to do. I will leave you to it.” He and my brothers begin to depart. “Let me know when you're ready to make a deal.” He steps out of the room, and the door locks.
-—- Little sister, do put on a show. -—-
Gladly. Adora turns to look at me. She is so scared. But she always chooses the difficult option. So I, of course, will oblige.
I clench my left hand, then splay my claws with a metallic gleam.
I swipe at her. She retreats, I follow, my fist meeting her face with a thud and a shout. I press on, but she dodges, breath heaving. Another kick, another dodge. Predictable. She grabs my ankle.
-—- So very predictable. -—-
Her grip is strong, but my leg is stronger—I pull forward and let her momentum carry her to the ground. She lands face down, and I punch down onto her. She rolls over, just in time to avoid my strike. Her panic is serving her well. But it won’t last.
She kicks me. Directly in the chest, and I reel back. But I spring at her, and grab her head by the oh-so-convenient handle she wears on top. I stretch her head up, and reach in with my claws. Oh Adora, this one will hurt.
Adora sidesteps, grabbing my wrist and twisting it to break my hold. Her other arm reaches over and bears down on my elbow, and she pushes me down. A decent pin. “Catra, listen to me. I know you're still in there.” She sounds so desperate. Etherians and their emotions. I stretch against her hold. “I am not leaving without you.” I stretch more and chuckle. “It’s gonna be okay—”
-—- Now, little sister. -—-
I over-rotate my right wrist. Too far. My bones crack and snap as her eyes go wide. Her grip loosens slightly, just enough that I can take the leverage back. I look up at her and grin, then slice her thigh. I circle her as she shouts in pain, holding her chest under my arm, my head at her shoulder. She grimaces, it must be excruciating. But she chose this path. “Everything is already okay. We are with Prime now. There is no need for you to suffer, Adora.” I run the back of my claw against her neck and she shudders a breath. “Come into the light with me.”
She screams, and grabs me, and throws me overhead. I bounce on the ground, and come to rest at the foot of Prime’s throne. I hear static from behind me, and the base of my skull feels like it was just hit with metal, but I can’t help but laugh. She’s so desperate for her Catra back. She could have perfection, if she just acquiesced. “Snap out of it, Catra. I don't want to hurt you…”
That finally gets me to stop laughing. She’s so foolish at times. “But you have already hurt me. Prime has set me free of that pain.” I stand as her face drops. “The pain that you caused.” I step back, up the stairs, standing before his throne. “He will set us all free, forever.” I smile at her. She may not understand the good of this yet. But she will. “A world of peace without end.” Her eyes are wide, and I can almost see tears start to form.
But I jump and aim my fist directly at her head. She’s panicked, and steps backwards. I miss, but I press forward. She throws a hesitant punch and it connects. But she’s trying so hard not to hurt me.
-—- And you will punish her for it. -—-
I swing obediently and connect, sending her reeling. I follow with a slash, but she sidesteps again, and grabs my arms with a look of determination. Finally, she’s trying. I push her forward, and forward, and she rotates us and pushes me back. I end up mere inches from the edge of the platform. I maintain my balance. Obviously. But she still cries out for me, “Catra!”, despair seeping through her voice.
I can read her perfectly. She is the most predictable person I have ever known. I look back, laugh, and take a calculated step backwards. I put the soles of my feet over the ledge, and tip my weight backwards. I start to fall. And she cries out and lunges to grab me, grabbing my arms, walking me back, and holding me close.
-—- Just as predicted. -—-
Pathetic. I raise my claws behind her back and dig deep into her flesh. She cries in agony as I rip at bone. And I feel a comforting warmth radiating through my head as my head lays on her shoulder. “-—- Oh, Adora… How long will you drag this out? -—-” I lean back to look directly in her eyes. She’s crying. “-—- You will destroy the ones you love in the process. -—-”
My knee connects with her stomach as she groans in pain. My fist grabs her collar, my body walks back, and holds her over the edge. I am at peace. Adora looks back at the drop. “-—- She was afraid, in the end. And she suffered. -—-” My claw is raised as my eyes glance at it, examining the form. “-—- Perhaps I will make her my new vessel. -—-” My claw lowers and my head shakes in disapproval, turning to look at her. “-—- Though, she would not last me long. What do you think, -—-” The warmth leaves my head, and I smile sweetly at her. “Adora?”
She regains determination. It’s sad. But she grabs my arm with tears welling in her eyes and pushes us back onto the platform. She keeps going, and our movement is interrupted by the monitors shattering. And… something is wrong. A bend in my mind.<< My body laughs. Adora. Adora is here? Why is Adora here? I told her not to be here. My body continues to laugh. I want to scream, but I can’t.
Apparently her slamming my body into the monitors caused some other damage as the ship rumbles and debris falls. “I am not giving up on you, Catra.” Why is she still so determined?
My body responds as the monitors crackle with electricity. “Then you’re a fool. You cannot stop Horde Prime. He will reign triumphant over all the universe. It is destiny.” A bolt of electricity arcs from the monitors and hits my body directly. My body cries out in agony.
I can hear Adora cry “No!” as I can feel my body being dragged forward. The monitors hum dangerously, and all my instincts are telling me to dodge. But my body does not listen to my commands. Adora, finally, dodges just before an explosion knocks us both off the platform. We tumble, and I hit my neck on the ground as we fall. She holds me for a second as electricity crackles behind me.
I open my eyes.
I see her anguish and fear. I don’t know why—
Wait, I opened my eyes.
I take a breath. I need to say something, while I can. My voice is ragged and harsh, harsher than I wanted. “Adora, you should have stayed away. Why did you come back? We both know I don't matter.”
Her expression softens as she cups my cheek. She sounds desperate. “You matter to me.” I tear up. I can’t help it. It’s been so long since I’ve heard her say that. Or say anything kind to me. I blink, and smile at her. And then the pain is back and my body gasps as my hand grabs her wrist. But now, for once, I can push back. My body tries to claw at her to push her to the side, but I pull it back with all my effort. Maybe I can do two good things in my life…
My body slaps her, and she grunts as she falls to the side. My body slowly starts walking to the edge of the platform, stopping to cry out in pain as electricity rips through my spine. But then it continues, standing on the ledge. Adora looks at me, pleading, desperate. “Come on, Catra!” Her voice is shaking. “You've never listened to anyone in your life! Are you really going to start now?”
My body—no I—I turn around to look at her. “You’re such an idiot.”
She’s crying. She almost has a laugh in her voice, “Yeah, I know!” I can’t help but laugh. >>No, this isn’t right.<< I hug myself as the pain returns, “I’m going to take you home.” My body continues to hug itself, but it feels different.
Until I loosen my grip. I half-sob, "Promise?" Tears run down my cheeks.
Her eyes are wet. She reaches out her hand, trying to make contact, but not yet daring to move. “I promise!”
I look at her. I can’t believe her. I can’t believe this. I have so little energy left. “A…dora…” I smile at her and reach a trembling hand for her grip. >>I wrench my hand back from her, grimacing in pain. I press down on my eye, trying to ground myself. My body cracks its bones as it stands up perfectly straight, a quietly malicious grin on its face, as a radiant warmth fills my bones.
“-—- Disappointing. Some creatures are destined only for destruction. -—-”<<
I can feel my body, all of it. But I don’t have long. Lightning streaks through my neck and my muscles fall limp.
I can hear Adora shout after me.
At least… I saw her one last time.
The last thing I feel is the impact.
Then a sickening crunch.