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SomeSortofItalianRoast
Tony grinned, holding up the signed document stating that he was to be the Grand Marshal of the New York City Pride Parade in a few months. It was something he was looking forward to, and for once, Pepper was okay with him being in the papers.
“Tony Stark to Lead the New York City Pride Parade” was the news of the day, and what news it was. It only took several months for the furor to die down, just for it to fire back up again in the immediate lead up to the Parade. And then it was announced that all the Avengers were joining him on the float.
The morning of the parade, Tony and the Avengers dressed out for the parade, in all the colors of the rainbow. Tony tied the Pansexual flag around his neck, letting it drape around him like a cape. He sent the suits into the sky, each wearing a flag, until the sky was full of flying colors. Colors streamed around the suits, around Tony, and around the Avengers. Not all of them had chosen to wear their flags, but enough of them had that they were quite the visual on the float.
At the end of the parade, Tony gave what felt like a million interviews, all while the wind blew the flag around him like a cape, the colors streaming and flying behind him. It felt great, to be part of something so important, and something so visual. But it was exhausting, just smiling and waving all day, wandering around the float, and giving interviews. And he hadn’t even been one of the Avengers throwing souvenirs off the float!
Regardless of how thrilled he was to be the Grand Marshall, he was even more thrilled when he was able to go back to the Tower and sit down for the first time in what felt like years. He had just sat down with an exaggerated groan of relief, when Alpine ran past him, chasing… was that a mouse? On the hundredth floor of a skyscraper? In Manhattan?
airas_story
He’d barely had time to be baffled before Alpine pounced, stunning the mouse with a swipe of her paw and then catching the stunned mouse in her mouth.
Tony wrinkled his nose in disgust; he had not needed to see a mouse massacre today. Alpine turned towards him and Tony noticed the mouse was still squirming, Alpine had apparently not applied enough force to kill the mouse. Tony was pretty sure that was weird, but he supposed Alpine was just classy that way.
Alpine approached him, tail flicking proudly at her catch before she jumped up onto the couch with the mouse still in her mouth as though she was presenting a gift.
Hell no.
Tony liked gifts, he did. But not when said gift happened to be a live mouse. “No,” Tony said. “Do not drop that here.”
Alpine only moved closer, seemingly insistent he take the mouse from her mouth. Which was not happening.
“Nope,” Tony said. “Go away. Go give that to Bucky. Or Steve. Steve’s a pushover. He’d love a mouse; he’d probably give you all the treats you could ever want for not killing it.”
Alpine didn’t take no for an answer, settling on his lap, the mouse still squirming in her mouth and staring at him in demand.
What had Tony done to deserve this? Everyone knew that Alpine’s favorite was Bucky while she mildly tolerated the rest of them. So clearly this gift was actually a power play to establish dominance.
Tony was tempted to push Alpine off his lap, even if that was normally a sacrilege action when it came to cats. “Go away,” Tony said. “I am not taking that thing. I’m sure plenty of people in this tower—” and he still hadn’t figured out how a mouse had gotten up here, that seemed suspect, “—would love your little gift.”
Alpine just stared.
Just as Tony was reconsidering his idea to push Alpine off his lap to free himself from Alpine’s power play of gifting live mice his phone sounded in its something’s-wrong-but-the world’s-not-ending alarm.
He glared at Alpine as he checked it.
There was a text in all caps. DON’T EAT THE PARADE CANDY! LOKI ENCHANTED IT. STEVE’S AN ORANGUTAN, BUCKY’S A MOUSE, AND CLINT’S A KANGAROO!
Tony froze as he read the text then looked back at Alpine who was still holding the mouse in her mouth.
“Shit.”
Jesmalestiel
“Well, at least you didn’t kill him,” Tony sighed. “JARVIS, call Dr. Wizard.”
Stephen answered on the third ring. “What do you want?”
“Short version is that my teammates have started turning into animals around here. We could use some of your magical prowess, Glinda.”
“I’m out of town for half a day, and you’ve already managed a disaster. Good going Stark.” Stephen grumbled. “Do you even know what time it is here?”
“Hey, don’t blame me for this, it’s all Loki’s fault. Bucky is currently a mouse trapped in the jaws of his pet menace, and according to Nat’s text Steve is an ape swinging his shield around New York and Clint the Kangaroo is picking fights. We need you back here.”
“I’m already here,” Stephen replied, closing the portal behind him. “Let me see him.” He held out his hand and Alpine carefully put the squirming mouse in his palm. Tony could now see how careful she had been to not injure the supersoldier, whose arm seemed to have transformed with him. Now that was genuinely fascinating, he’d never seen a mouse with a vibranium prosthetic before.
“This is witchcraft. Not my realm of expertise,” Stephen mused, carefully running his hands across the mouse’s back, surprisingly gentle given his (deserved) reputation as someone with awful bedside manner.
“Do you at least know how long it will last? Is it reversible? According to these news reports a significant portion of New York has transformed.”
“Like I said, this is outside my expertise. We need to find Loki and figure out exactly what happened.”
“I haven’t seen her since the parade,” Tony rubbed sighed . “Hopefully it’s just another one of her pranks and it’ll wear off soon.”
No sooner had Tony spoken then there was a small pop and Mouse-Bucky had turned back into Human-Bucky… while still in Stephen’s hand, sending them both toppling over. He was also, surprisingly, wearing clothes.
“Where’d your clothes go while you were a mouse?” Tony asked, fascinated.
“I don’t know, and I don’t care.” Bucky groaned, rolling off of Stephen and pulling them both to their feet. “All I want is a sandwich and to never talk about this again,” he paused thoughtfully. “I also wanna punch Loki in the face, even if she’s still in her female form. I’m not above it.”
Faustess
“At least Alpine wasn’t fooled,” Tony said.
Bucky’s scowl softened into a fond smile. “That’s ‘cause Piney’s the best, smartest girl in the whole world.” He reached down to scoop the cat up and cradled her like a baby in his metal arm, scratching her chin with his other hand.
“Salmon for dinner tonight?” Tony offered.
“Hm,” Strange raised his eyebrows with interest. “That’s acceptable.”
Tony frowned. “I thought you needed to go back to Crete.”
“Cappadocia,” Stephen corrected with a sigh. “Minos’ Palace was six months ago. Salmon isn’t common fare there.”
Alpine mrrp-ed in sympathy.
Bucky nodded. “Salmon works for us too. Natalia -”
“Would much prefer something else,” the woman herself interrupted.
“They do a nice steak,” Tony suggested.
“The place with the mashed garlic sweet potatoes?” Nat asked. When Tony nodded, she said, “We should get dessert too. It’s been a hell of a day.”
“Dessert might lure Loki out from wherever she’s hiding, too,” Bucky’s tone was light, but his jaw tightened and lips drew into a tight line. Tony had no doubt that the former assassin was planning to feed the shapeshifting Asgardian princess a knuckle sandwich.
Just then, Thor walked in, holding an orangutan like a small child. Bruce supported Clint, who hobbled in, looking worse for the wear.
“That’s some black eye, you’ve got Barton,” Bucky quipped.
“I’ve fallen off of buildings and felt better,” Clint groaned and sank gingerly into a chair. He hissed in pain as he made contact.
Wordlessly, Natasha went to the fridge and returned with an ice pack for Clint’s face.
“I already gave him some ibuprofen,” Bruce said, running his fingers through his hair. “I tried to keep people away from him, but you wouldn’t believe how many people want to fight a kangaroo wearing purple glitter boxing gloves. I don’t know how Thor corralled Steve.”
“I flew,” Thor explained. The ape in his arms seemed to be nodding off. “And I dispensed with bananas. This one preferred pop-tarts.”
“I told you he was the one sneaking them,” Bucky mumbled.
Tony handed over a twenty-dollar bill.
“I don’t think I can move,” Clint said, “I’m good for it.”
“Pfft, no you’re not,” Bucky grumbled.
Politzania
“Does anyone else find it concerning that Cap hasn’t transmogrified back into his human form yet?” Tony asked apprehensively, eyeing the primate now sleeping in his teammate’s arms. “I mean, we’ve gotten Bucky and Clint back already, right? So why is Steve still making with the monkey business, so to speak?”
“Orangutans aren’t monkeys,” Bruce broke in. “They’re great apes. Specifically, members of the Ponginae family, which diverged genetically from the other hominids - including us - somewhere between fifteen and twenty million years ago. But that still doesn’t explain why Steve hasn’t switched back.”
“Because that’s not me,” Steve answered wearily as he staggered out of the elevator, his clothing in disarray and smeared with what Tony hoped was just mud. “Pretty sure she’s a real orangutan.”
“Then why, may I ask, was this furry creature playing with your shield?” Thor asked, a confused expression marring his handsome brow.
Steve’s cheeks turned pink. “I, well,” he paused, scrubbing one hand across the back of his neck, “I kind of gave it to her, when I was transformed. I guess I thought she was cute.”
“You’re telling us,” Tony replied incredulously, “that you thought the best response to being turned into a great ape was to find yourself a fuzzy girlfriend and go on a romantic date in the park?”
“Steve’s always had a thing for redheads,” Bucky quipped, causing the entire team to break out in laughter as Steve blushed even harder.
The noise woke the orangutan, who opened her big brown eyes and stared around tensely. “Oook?”
Thor replied soothingly - apparently Allspeak extended to human-adjacent species - and she relaxed and made a few more hooting sounds. “Our guest wishes to return home,” he declared, “and her tummy hurts.”
“That’s all on you, buddy,” Clint commented archly. “you should have stuck with the bananas.”
“JARVIS?” Tony asked, “Could you check with the zoo in Central Park and see if they’re missing one of their great apes?”
“An excellent idea, Sir,” his AI replied, “I’m placing a call now.”
“And hopefully,” Stephen commented, his lips quirking up just a bit, “the only bears still roaming the city are heading to Pride after parties.”